When God is not answering prayers for a Soul Mate

People ask me why their prayers are not answered for a soul mate. Why when they visualize nothing is manifest.

I am not going to give you a cliché answer.

Louis de Pointe du Lac: You must know something about the meaning of it all.

Lestat de Lioncourt:  Why? Why should I know these things? Do you know them?

– Interview with a Vampire

The truth is, I do not know. When you pray or visualize you should see something manifest or at least a sign. However, often you get nothing.

“It’s an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give a greater lustre to our colours, a richer resonance to our words.”

You slide a little bit more into disillusionment and disappointment. You feel prayer or visualization is just one more thing that did not work.  You put them on par with something like trying dating sites, dating apps or even clubbing. In the end nothing works. Why?

Yes, I am sure you can get plenty of dates, and you might have declare your love to someone, even been engaged, but still you are not  married and no soul mate in sight.  Further, to make your disillusionment even worst, you hear a lot of stories of people unhappy in marriages. You hear about break ups after years of marriage.

You might feel regret from all the physical relationships you have had, that did not lead you to the love of your life, and this adds weight to your heaviness.

I am sorry if prayer (or visualization) has not lead you to your soul mate. I know how painful loneliness is, yet hope shire eternal, and the silence of aloneness has deepened you and made you more beautiful, if you do not squared it on a cell phone addiction or other trivial distractions.

Before I give you some ideas on how to find your destiny with prayer, when prayer does not seem to work, let me give you some real life examples when it has worked for me personally.

Prayer is not supernatural wizardry like in Harry Potter, that with an incantation of Expecto Patronum, patronus charm is invoked, but something radically different and more powerful.

Bellow are specific examples of how prayer has moved mountains in my life. These are real verifiable miracles in my life. Maybe they did not violate the laws of science, but they were nothing less then a sign to me that God is here with us living, suffering and like a loving parent leading us to redemption.

Cynics out there can say that my interpretation of the below life events are all a fantasy. For example, it is an anthropomorphic projection ( Feuerbach) or an infantile illusion (Freud) and a function of my psychology, However, my response is:

It is something you have to experience for yourself.

My response is also, to cranks is ‘how is your love life working out for you’?

Below are not tall-tales, but this is me, the author of this site, Mark Biernat. It is my life of intense suffering and pain for many years without end, and how prayer helped me.

Issue in my life and prayer

I have had a lifetime of wondrous events,   I could convey,  that go beyond the scope of this writing, but here are four examples from four categories of life.  I would like to give you examples of God’s action in the areas of:

  1. Medical
  2. Financial
  3. Love
  4. Family

Medical miracle:

I worked at UPS to pay for my university and other physical labor jobs. I injured my back and my knees so bad that even walking in Walmart was not possible unless I was hunched over a shopping cart with my wife helping me. I would work laying down with my computer resting on my chest most of the day. My wife would have to carry my laptop as it was too heavy for my joints.

It was all very tragic. My face even aged because of the non-stop pain. I could not sleep or enjoy my life.

I went to Harvard medical in Boston and saw the best doctor there (everyone says their doctor is the best, but this was a Harvard neurosurgeon), and there was little I he could do, except surgery. Similarly I went to the best surgeon I knew in Europe. The conclusion was unless they were start looking into a back operation/spinal fusion, nothing could be done. But what about my knees and my hip and other parts of my body injured and in pain. Surgeries often have a positive effect for several years, but requires subsequent surgeries on the spine. For example, my friend Jack has had every vertebrae in his back fused except two and a lifetime user of pain medications. Poor Jack, he is highly educated, but lives in an RV trailer in pain. Therefore, I wanted to find a nonsurgical solution.

My life was pain, suffering and lament. There was no out. My life had degenerated to such a point that it lost its sweetness.

To add one more problem to the mix, I had a brain lesion in my pons, a critical area of my brain stem that was symptomatic. It was a cavernous malformation.

My whole centerline from my spine and my brain had issues. This is no light matter.

How my life changed with prayer

I prayed for an answer for a long time.

I believe part of my suffering was to purge our my pride and inordinate desires so I might be a more beautiful person. My ego made me a prideful person.

In fact, during my college days I thought people who were physically ill were basically just weak minded; oh the arrogance of youth.

I thought I was different than others, and judged people. Simultaneously I was jealous, angry at my lot in life and even my parents.

I had ideas like, people who were poor were basically lazy or did not have the brains I had. Wow what an ego I had (have). Maybe you do not have such issues with ego or maybe you do and are not aware of it. My dear friend Stacey said she does not need to go to Church, because she does nothing wrong. Believe me, she needs to go.

This loneliness and physical pain, in my life help remove ideas that were blocking my happiness. I offered my suffering up to God.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. –  1 Corinthians 13:11

It was not until I tried to remove negative thoughts and judgmental feelings and negative emotions that went thought my mind, was the answer revealed to me.

Your cravings as a human animal do not become a prayer just because it is God whom you ask to attend to them. –  Dag Hammarskjöld

Prayer is not magic or supernatural, it will give you what is beyond the imaginable.

How prayer worked for me:

  1. Intention – Have the intention of removing negativity and see these negative circular thoughts almost as a supernatural energy that is feeding off you.  Pray for this metaphorical exorcism if you will. Even if you can not give up the dark side emotions in your heart, having the intention in your head and asking God to remove these is good enough.
  2. Pray for your enemies – Pray for those who have hurt you and wish good to be manifest in their life. Yes, those nasty people, are just like you on a path, even if they are lost. As I walked by people on the street I would try to see their humanity and were they came from.
  3. Pray for  forgiveness.  The first thing I would do when I got up in the morning was as God forgiveness of my sins. Then I would thank God for my blessings.
  4. The Lord give and the Lord takes, blessed be the name of the Lord – I offered my pain and suffering to God said, whatever you give me I will glorify your name, it does not matter.

Oh, do not get me wrong, I am still a petty little angry, resentful person. I spend a lot of time with negative emotion.  But I have the intention of being good and really want to remove these negative attachments from my life.

What happen? – the universe shifted – a mountain moved

I was coming out of Church one day in a small one room church I went to, and I saw a pamphlet, that said, ‘ did you know the Catholic Church approves of stem cells”.  Adipose stem cells that are non-embryonic stem cells come from your body is supported by the Vatican. I really did not know about stem cells. I Googled it.

I found a Doctor in my area. I call him King Julian (not to his face) because he has such a huge ego.

We were not in good financial condition. It did not matter, I put it on my credit card.

I got stem cells, no anesthesia. I just walked in, he took some corpulent from my stomach (which I did not mind), and three hours latter injected it in my body at various locations.

  • After three months – I thought I was ripped off, with little positive effect and more credit card debt. I kept praying anyway.  I offered  my suffering to God and said, God, whatever you want of me, this is where I am. If I am suffering and in pain, blessed be the name of the Lord.
  • After six months – I told my wife, I feel a little better, today, maybe it is the weather (rather than the stem cells), and was able to meet some leaves in the yard.
  • After one year something happened – I found myself cutting trees in my backyard and clearing land.  I cleared a field with a shovel, moving logs and rocks.  I use this as my Organic garden today. I was moving mountains.  Twenty years of intense suffering was healed. The stem cells worked.
  • How can I say God did not answer my prayers?

God lead me to the solution. A crazy solution. I mean come on do you know anyone else doing stem cells?  Everyone takes pain medications and operations.

From that physical suffering I have learned humility (some).

I asked God in prayer, that I might be healed, not for me, but so I might work and take care of my family better.

  • No esoteric healing involved, however, I went from basically disabled to 21 forever, in a year. Who does this happen to? What do you think?

Financial miracle

When I re-immigrated to the USA after living abroad for ten years, I had no money and no car. In someways it was very romantic. We came here with two suitcases and peddled a land cruiser bike from Walmart everywhere.  My wife, my daughter and I lived in a tiny run down apartment by the beach.

I prayed for help. We had a mountain of debt on our credit card.

I prayed for help over a year.

  • I swung and bam, I knocked it out of the park. I got a job making $160,000 dollars a year.  Who makes this money? I got that job after being off the grid for a decade in Europe.

After that I got another job even better, is that normal?  Then I quit that job to spend more time with my family and with prayer I got a job teaching as a professor of Economics at a state college nearby.

On a lighter note, when I got the job as a professor, I did not tell my wife, I just asked her if she was Mary Ann or Ginger, she looked me, and I said because I am the professor.

Yes, I know, no laws of physics were broken here and nothing supernatural occurred, but does there need to be?  God answers prayers in ways you could never dream.

  • Nothing supernatural, but is this not a miracle of going to utter poverty to being the top 1% in a day?

Finding the love of my life – Miracle

My family is my greatest joy. You hear people say this but it is true.  After praying for my soul mate out of the blue my wife appeared. You can read about my dreams and prayers and how I met her in my other posts. We have been together now going on 13 years and happy as ever. She was the girl I saw in my dreams, yet more than I  could have ever imagined.

She is from the other side of the world. I am a New England Preppy and she is from the Polish countryside. Never could have imaged. How can anyone image the future when God takes you on such an amazing journey.

  • No physical laws of science where violated, but God was throwing the dice when I was not looking.

Family miracles

My parents have been together over 65 years happily married with many miracles in their lives with a daily prayer practice.

One example, my brother, Joe, was tested by all the experts, educators and physiologists, that he would not be able to complete high school. They recommended a trade school instead of a high school diploma.  My parents prayed with unwaivering faith.

  • My brother Joe went on to get multiple degrees and is worth over 50 million dollars today traveling the world running businesses, and now literally saving the rain forest.

I could go on with other examples of God’s participation in my life, but my point is not to tell stories, or to entertain, but to give a testament that:

God he does great things for us

He takes care of his children, he watches over us in our despair.

  • Why not tap into the power of the infinite?  My advice  connect with the Divine or you just might be swindling yourself out of your own life.
In the silence of your aloneness, explore the power of prayer to attract the love of your life.

My advice – Visit a monastery to find your wife

My advice is to find a wife or husband visit a cloister.  It is not what you think, rather, I mean for you to experience the power of prayerful people first hand, not something you read in a book.

Silence is the fertile soil of prayer.

  • Take a Yoga retreat like Baron Baptiste if you have the cash.
  • Visit a Buddhist monetary or meditation center.
  • Take a visit to Amish country, the Amish settlements are found beyond Pennsylvania.
  • Take a trip to a monastery of any religion.
  • Go to a hippie type retreat center
  • Do a weekend retreat at a Trappist monastery, they are in many states. At least go for the afternoon and bath in the silence and power of their prayer.

Directory of Trappist Monasteries

Why not try a visit? Is Tinder or Craiglist personals really working that well for you? They usually have a nice gift shop full of books that you would not find normally. If you did this, your spouse will not appear like magic, as God is not a powerful wizard, but you will have planted a seed.

With prayer it is about planting a seed, watering it and taking care of it.  Take care of your intention and be patient and wait for it to grow.

Work and Pray – the harvest is coming.

Also read classics by saints and monks of the past. Read Thomas Kempis for example. Read the Bible. Or read modern day theologians like Hans Kung  or classic inspirational writers like Anthony De Mello, Normal Vincent Peale or Neal Lozono. Read these by your bedside this is my advice. However, if you really want to see prayer in action. If you want to experience silence and prayer find a group that practices it, because silences is a practice.

How do you see yourself in this Universe

I do not care if you are under the spell of Richard Dawkins or you are too prideful to believe, or you were not brought up this way,  or whatever, it is not my problem. It really is not, I have my own life. I am not my brothers keeper. However, I would say this:

If you see yourself as a speck of dust floating thought this universe then that is what life will give you.  If you see yourself as infinite that is what life will give you.

You need to trust in God. Like in the movies when someone says ‘give me your hand’.  Trust is almost synonymous with faith.

Be patient in prayer and you will be happily married. All the days of being single does not add up to the happiness of one day of being with your soul mate. It might take years rather than months. But do not give up.

Just remember, prayer is not a technique. It is not magic. Faith, is not a creed or a declaration, but a radical reorientation of one’s life.

I don’t know Who – or what – put the question, I don’t know when it was put. I don’t even remember answering. But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone — or Something — and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefore, my life, in self-surrender, had a goal.- Dag Hammarskjöld

Remember, God is not a super magician.  God is an active player in the game of life with us. He sets up the rules but does not violate them. However, he does throw the dice when we are not looking. He cares and loves us in ways we do not know. He is our loving Father and Mother and suffers with us.

Many people ask where is God in all this suffering on the earth. Where was God in the concentration camps of WWII for example.  I believe the answer is, he was there suffering with them.

God’s ways are not man’s ways

God will help you find your density but in ways you might not expect. Remember, God is not supernatural. I do not believe in anything supernatural. To believe in the supernatural is contrary to the laws of physics and science. To believe in the supernatural might be even contrary to religion, as it would boarder on superstition.

Nothing about prayer is to be connected with a trick or technique.

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for.

I do not want to leave you with a post and no practical ideas to take away:

However, prayer is real. You will find your soulmate if you pray for your soulmate.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? ‘Prayer’ is your left hand and ‘action’ your the right hand. Together they make a sound that resonates when placed that changes the universe around you.

Action Point – make yourself cordialter than cordial

I do not mean to cheapen the inspirational power of this post, but I am a practical person. People respond to looks.

Make yourself super cordial. So cordial that people’s hearts beat when you come into a room.  We all can be model cordial.

  • Shape – If you are out of shape, get toned. Even use exercise as a form of monastic self flagellation.
  • Clothes – Wear inexpensive but tight fitting cool clothes. Who does not like a body in clean, solid color tight clothes, consider brands like Hollister or from the thrift shop, or be preppy if you can afford it. Who does not like a girl in a while button down shirt, or a guy that looks like Hipster entrepreneur.
  • Glasses – Get cool glasses, you can get them for under twenty bucks at a place like Zenni Optical.
  • Hair – If you are a guy spike your hair up, and if you are a girl grow your hair long.
  • Shoes – Does not have to be expensive, a woman in jeans and red shoes gets attention for example.

It is that simple. You can look like a model or a member of a teenage heart throb boy band.

Next work on yourself intellectually and culturally. Self actualize during your purgatory and wait for your spouse.  However, I think as long as you are intellectually curious, that is enough, more focus on making yourself physically attractive.

Do this in conjunction with prayer that is sincere, and as described above.

How long should you wait for love? Live the question and at sometime in the future when you do not realize it you will be living the answer.

Prayer – find your method – wait for your soul mate

Make it not about finding your mate, but about making yourself a better soul, and if you find her or him on the way, thank God. Since as humans we tend to be ritualistic (for various reason), make your own prayer technique or use one from the religious tradition of your ancestors, if you are not religious. Be creative, for example, St. Ignatius use to pray laying on his back or facing Jerusalem.

If you are into visualization, no need to look too deep into techniques. Any technique is fine, or make your own. I like the pink balloon technique and whispering in your mind before you fall asleep, as well as pure visualization and fantasy.

In conclusion

You will leave all your single friends scratching their head, as they see living a normal life of taking your kids to the playground.  In start contrast the cynics will be the oldest ones in bar, still trying to meet women with Tinder or something. So do not worry about the cynics, they just get burned.

Do like the faithful have for generations, not give up, just persevere and be faithful in your prayers. If it takes time, let it take time. My message to you personally, if you are looking for a husband or spouse, pray, be patient, the love of your life is coming.

Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

10 thoughts on “When God is not answering prayers for a Soul Mate”

  1. Mark, a masterpiece of a post. Thank you very much for being a strong inspiration to us all.

  2. Great post.

    I know for a fact that prayer works, even if it doesn’t seem to be working for me lately.
    I was healed of something years ago, I know it was because I believed God heard my prayer and that I was healed. I believed it (that I was being healed) with all my being.
    I was healed instantly. No doctors, no medication, only faith. A bona fide miracle.


    1. Yes, thank you for that testament.

      ‘For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible’.

      God is not Deus absconditus the hidden God or the God of the philosophers, but an active participant in our life. The Absolute operating in the subjective. Each persons experiences like yours or mine will be personal according to our life situation.

      God is not separate from the world and man; he is not outside all that is; inherent in the world and man – Hans Kung

  3. Thank you Mark for this great website that you have set up. I enjoy reading your articles.

    I am a young single woman from the Middle East and I have been trying very hard for several years to find my soulmate but still no success. I had a traditional upbringing and I come from a conservative family. I am a woman of faith and always praying to God to lead me to my soulmate and future husband. However, the men I meet either do not want to get married, or they want to get married but they do not have a relationship with the Creator. I am healthy and I exercise regularly, men consider me attractive (I do not mean it in an arrogant way), I am educated, intellectually curious, fluent in several languages, open to other cultures and have travelled to many places. The reason I am writing all this is to tell you that I have applied the practical ideas that you provide at the end of your article in my own life. I also hope that you can help me in my quest, since there are many good men on this site who are looking for their soulmate, so maybe my soulmate is among them.

    Peace and blessings to you,

  4. Hey Mark, great website. I’m 47, and have been searching for my soulmate my entire life. I’ve always had a perfect image of her in my head, but have never found her. Not even my ex wife of 18 years came close. I’ve dated many women since she left me, and have become jaded and cynical. As I got into my 40s I decided to stop searching for her and simply settle for a simple decent companion in fear that as my dating pool got smaller and smaller, both because anyone decent in my age group has already been taken, not to mention my own age and half-way decent looks and weight weren’t gonna last forever. So, not unexpectedly, my last few relationships have been pretty unpassionate to say the least, but felt that was going to be my lot in life and I had accepted it. Your website however has given me new hope. Maybe the problem all this time has been I’ve only searched for love in a 100 mile radius here in the states. I’m not fond of long distance relationships, but maybe something could happen. I love travel, and although moving to another country isn’t an option as my children live here, your website has given me hope and I’m willing to simply go and see what’s out there. Literally, searching overseas is about the ONLY thing I haven’t thought of trying to find my missing soulmate. Wish me luck and thanks!

    1. Mike, I am glad you wrote me. I hear this situation a lot. I think what you need to focus on is not what characteristics your soul mate should have but what is your vision. What is your fantasy or dream? What is your dream vision of a girl? In your imagination, who do you see? In your hopes, who do you hope for?

      What is the painting your are painting in your mind’s eye that naturally bubbles up from your subconscious? Not looks in the cover girl Maxim type of looks, but from your subconscious? If you have this attraction combined with faith that will naturally bring this passion. Physical attractiveness, this subjective irresistible physical quality, that came from the dreams of my adolescence, was what I wanted. So if I were you I would start looking aboard or different places in the US or North America. If you tell me more about you, I can give you some more ideas.

      1. Well, you and I seem to share much in common when it comes to preferences in women and relationships. Thin and cute in appearance, quirky and nerdy. think Audrey Hepburn or Zooey Deschanel. But also in what we want in relationships: shared Christian morals and worldview, commitment, patience and friendship and most importantly, passion for each other, both knowing with certainty that they’re with the right person. This has been eluding me my entire life. Granted, I’m a huge nerd, have very eclectic hobbies, and have very old fashioned morals and beliefs. But no amount of active (online dating, similar interest meet ups), or passive (prayer, visualizing, backing off and waiting) seems to ever bring me closer to my soulmate. This is over the past 7 years since my divorce. I was married for 18 years. Even though I gained two wonderful daughters from that relationship, I regret having settled and wasted that valuable time. Now I’m older, less desirable, and fear my soulmate has already been taken. I continue to pray that God will bring us together, but in recent years I gave up. I’m currently with a girl I’d describe more as a life mate than a soul mate. Closer to a friendship than a passionate relationship. We’re both honest about how we feel, but as she isn’t content to settle as I am, and I doubt it will last much longer. I think I’ve got it in me for one more last ditch effort at happiness. Maybe travel will be the answer. Maybe I just needed to grow personally. I just need to remember to trust God’s timing is perfect and my prayers will finally be answered.

        1. Its never a last ditch effort. It is an effort that might be the right time now. You really can do it. Not in some fantasy, but in reality you can be living the dream. The most important is to find a girl who is cordial and shares these same values, not in words but in act, word and deed. Why not travel? My goodness this is the one experience you have on this earth. Why not make an effort? People work so hard at their jobs, 8+ hours a day, yet to find a wife, they click an app. Take time to travel, quite your job, or just do not show up, because you have a greater higher mission. Or take a two week vacation somewhere.
          50 years ago most women were nerdy and thin and good morals in the USA. There are many like that here in the States but many more like that in Europe for example.

          You can get your Zooey but without all the Hollywood nonsense. You will get someone much better (for you). Also try not to think in terms of actresses or models, I know it was just an example, but more fairy-tale archetypes.

  5. Pity I don’t look like Audrey Hepburn or Zooey Deschanel.

    1. Why would you need to? Both of those ladies had two husbands and it did not work with either. Here I am writing about a soulmate.

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