You can transcend this life in a romantic relationship and achieve happiness. It is like you and the other person against the world. There is a complex stratification of reality and life in all its dimension can be enjoyed and be a pleasure. At the pinnacle, is the source of all love, who makes the tragedy of this life meaningful.
Much of what I have written over the last several years has been skewed towards dating and seeking marriage abroad. This was based on my positive experience with being married to a foreigner wife. My marriage has stood the test of time.
In addition to my personal account, there is good statistical evidence that marriage to a foreigner has a higher probability of success than to a local girl, yet this all depends.
To claim women aboard are better wives or better looking is a simplification. Let me explain.
Who gets Girls? -The Corporate Warrior or the Pirate?
When I lived in Boston and had a corporate job, I guess I was OK in terms of dating material. I dressed well, liked bookstores and sushi and did Yoga and had a Master’s degree. I was funny. I love to travel, art, hiking, reading, came from a good family, and did I mention I dressed well. I had all the checkmarks. However, in a word I was boring.
Think about it, do you want that girl in the office, who is ‘nice’ and has paper cut out hearts in your cube and eats 3 pm birthday cakes from the latest conference room gathering? Or do you want to meet the hottest girl in the club, and take her home, and marry her?
The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason, he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Yet, I was not a millionaire or a pro ballplayer. The latter was not realistic. However, I could climb the corporate ladder, invest in speculative tech stocks and perhaps start to accumulate real estate. This would take some time and a lot of work. However, with that resume, I would expect that I would attract women of what I perceived as more beautiful and marriage worthy. In my humble opinion, that is a lot of work. Living a dreary vain existence just to find something that I had read in my childhood fairy-tales was free from the impediments of this world, that is true love was based on beauty and virtue.
Behind all seen things lies something vaster; everything is but a path, a portal or a window opening on something other than itself.
Wind, Sand and Stars – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
When I was traveling abroad, I instantly started to attract the eye of women which only stars like Brad Pitt or the lastest heartthrob, or some newly minted tech Billionaires hoped to attract.
For years I assumed it was simply the women abroad were just more open to marriage or appreciated what I had. To some extent that might be true. However, upon reflection, in retrospect, it could have been just by virtue of me being cooler, did I attract women. The question is how did I become cool?
Cool guys get cool girls
Cool. Yes, you know like the Fonzie from Happy Days. I went from being a corporate loser with a title: ‘Director, Manager, Project Lead, etc. to some guy living quasi off the grid, who did not worry about money and living on potatoes. I was more about living. I was concerned with exploring life, and on a day-to-day level, not my resume or my house or condo or whatever mattered. I was free.
What girl in their right mind would not love a guy who was intelligent and did not stress about money?
Women and Money again
‘What value is it is a man gains the world and loses his soul in the process? – Mark 8:36
If you think women love money and care about money, you are 100% wrong. Women want a guy who they feel safe with. That is defined as when they have a baby, they will not be carrying that baby through the woods somewhere or living in a car.
That is a big difference than money.
See intelligence is almost defined by the ability to adapt to new circumstances. Think about what this means. It means that movie stars that have money and lose it are not as good as the person who has a resume of defeats but can still rise up and adapt to the situation at hand. It means that someone living the corporate job with the house is OK, just OK. But if you take life by the stones and live abroad, be a DJ, live like there is no tomorrow, women will flock to you. They will feel alive around you.
You do not have to be a dirtbag or a lowlife mind you, you could be a maverick but, one of virtue and dress stylish by thrifting if you have no cash.
When I returned from living aboard and traveling the world, the USA seemed different. Yes, the women were still standoffish but I flew above all that. If I was single it would make less of a difference if I dated a girl abroad or from the USA.
I now had Chutzpah. I was no longer a cube worker but a pirate. Even when I went back into cube life to earn some money it did not matter.
So my point is if you are not dating a Cinderella who looks like a runway model, maybe it is because you have not taken enough life risks. I mean real-life risks like giving your corporate boss the finger.
To get the girl, better than browsing Russian or Asian dating sites, better might be to like the Bible says ‘give your possession to the poor’, a local thrift shop. Cash-out your home and investments. Live with a friend in the meantime. Then one day, when you are ready, when you have a big meeting at work or just a random day, that you are really needed, just not show up.
Rather you are on a plane to some foreign exotic land in a quest. Not a quest for a girl mind you but to save your soul from the mundane, quiet life of desperation most people are living.
Maybe take one bag and a 3.5 lbs Chromebook.
Nothing can match the treasure of common memories, of trials endured together, of quarrels and reconciliations and generous emotions. It is idle, having planted an acorn in the morning, to expect that afternoon to sit in the shade of the oak.
Wind, Sand and Stars – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Live that romantic life.
That is taking life by the stones. You might wind up flat on your face, sick or broken in some hole. But that is what life is about. It is a learning experience. And if you want a princess, you need to be prepared to give up your fears and preconceived notions about this world. The word ‘should’ sound much like the word ‘Sh_t’. Have you noticed that? There are no ‘shoulds’ in life. Learn to think outside the box.
Get the ‘shoulds’ out of your life. I am not just telling you this, I did it. Live a fantasy, and just find your fairly-tale princess. Then you can settle down and live the life of a sucker with a small house with a white picket fence and an SUV and you will be happy because you actually have lived your life.
If you want to know is it better to date the girl next door or marry a foreign wife, the answer really if, it does not matter as long as you are living your life by your rules.
I want you to have a happy life. If you need an extra word of encouragement, write to me from my contact page.
The idea is simple. If you want to get high quality women you need to be idealistic not realistic in any way shape or form. Player and cynics might get women for the short-term but their women are not the who I would personally go for.
The high road is the the easy road if you are authentic. If you really believe in knights in shining armour and damsels in distress, and that this world means something beyond the next Netflix binge or the next provocative insta photo, then you are in luck. The highest quality women are idealistic and they might not be doing something society deems as important but they believe in something greater than themselves in act, word and deed.
If you want to understand something, ask yourself what is its nature?
Marcus Aurelius – Meditations
What is their reason for being?
Most women have forgotten their true nature. Just like you. You may have forgotten who you really are. That you are not just some guy, trying to find a succulent wife, rather, you are a great powerful spiritual being who has passed through Ameles Potamos, the river of unmindfulness (Plato).
This is why you need to remind yourself and tell yourself, ‘the whole world might go to heck in a hand basket’, but you will not. You will aspire to this dreamy notion of romantic love, faith and hope, even if you get burned on every date. You need to be the lonely romantic rebel.
Simple things like being polite and not swearing and opening doors are a start but better is to attend weekly service. I know these seem old fashion but do you not want manner and refinement in the girl that will raise your children?
Be the prince that rescues her. Find a reason to buck the trend even if it causes you years of painful loneliness in the process. Because if you believes this idealism in your heart I promise you there is a beautiful girl who does also.
Find your reason to be idealistic. Not just for her, but for the redemption of your own eternal soul. It is this process of discovery will open your eyes. Not being a hermit philosopher that we all are before marriage. You need to be a little bit touched in the head to have the guts today to turn off the noise and live with the gods. But if you are, you will find your way. I promise.
Your lucky to find a woman like this, who really deep down believes. Many women today do not think in these terms.
Kate : I’m not very good with men. Leopold : Perhaps you haven’t found the right one. Kate : Maybe. Or, uh… maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we’ve been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.
Kate and Leopold
Idealism is not borne from sloth or naivety. Rather be an idealist you need to think just a little harder to be aware of the world around you. Anyone can just get up in the morning, take a shower (or not) and be reactive. Even if you create short and long term plans about your life and have goals this is not idealism. Anyone can search for the answer to life on the internet. However, to live the life of idealism, to believe in something more than yourself and really care about the poor suffering souls of this world and see people as equal to you, this takes some meditation. To believe in love and the struggles and suffering of life and rise above that is idealism.
This is what I am talking about:
Leopold : You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious. Kate : I’m alone with you, do I need a chaperone? Leopold : We are not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honour, I would have informed you of my intentions in writing. Kate : Are you for real? Leopold : I believe so.
Kate and Leopold
Sound silly? Well you can ditch the self help advice of this time and all the ideas of how men and women should be or need to be, and take a cure from the time of romanticism. How did men behave then? What were they dressed like? If someone really did teleport from that time, I promise you women would flock to him. I mean if you meet a women from the 1800s dressed and refined would this not peak your curiosity a bit, especially if it was not an act, but real. This is who she really is.
To want, to have the will and desire, to live beyond the ordinary with your life, beyond making money, getting the girl and relaxing, takes effort. To study philosophy, theology, read the classics, learn a language, listens to classical music, plays chess, goes to art museums or if nothing else, is a sweet person. Yes, focus on eternal ideas like classic philosophy, rather than the sophistry of today. You should be proud you are a classic romantic philosopher and modern women dis you, wear it as a red badge of courage. Your battle scars of life will make you only stronger.
Some women put forth this effort also. Find that girl even if she lives in Asia, Europe,Appalachian Mountains, Siberia or a village somewhere unconnected to this would as you are to reality.
I am not talking about women who are well dressed or detailed oriented with their careers or house, or hobbies. All women gravitate towards this. I am talking about a girl who is high quality.
Traits of a high quality woman
Goes to Church or Service – If I was single, this would be at the top. In the end, only hypocrites go to church. Church the hospital for sinners. That is why I go because I am a hypocrite. Perfect people do not go to church. I do not want to date a perfect person. Marry a weekly churchgoer.
Grows things – Growing up on a farm, growing plants and food or any strong connection to nature. If a girl is not all about nature, then you are not going to convert her to be a grower. Maybe she will honor your interest. However, I can not see a shopping mall girl embracing soil. If a girl does not want to get her hands dirty and is more about ‘mani-pedi’ then, I would take a step back and reflect who you are inviting in your life. Growing and nature is not a hobby on par with an interest in cricket or social media. Rather, a strong connection to nature and growing is transcendent. You need this transcendence in your life. If you are not a service goer than you need to at least transcend in another way. When you are in the garden, growing potatoes or hemp or flowers you ground yourself. You are rooted in the energy of the earth and this allows you to grow wings. I do not know too many chaotic, moody farm girls. Marry a village girl.
Prudent in her demeanor – This includes, being a good listener, puts her napkin on her lap during meals and elbows off the table, not swearing or being too opinionated or wrapped too much into politics, but rather lives with the gods, focuses on things eternal. Marry an idealist.
OK, sorry for all that. You get the point. I am telling you this not for you to be dissatisfied with your current relationship or judge your girlfriend based on ridiculously high standards, rather, be the romantic dreamer and maybe you will meet one too. How to get high quality woman naturally? Be the person you want to attract and that starts with a romantic vision for your life.
People ask me how much time do I spend with my wife? Answer: 24/7 – 365. We work together and spend all our free time together. I know right! OK, sometimes I am working in the office and she is cooking or I am in the garden and she is sewing, but that is pretty much it.
How did I become such a sucker?
I used to travel the world and was an international man of mystery. What changed?
I did not change fundamentally. I was always a hopeless romantic. I just never met the right one. Perhaps I was jaded or bitter about the world I was born into. I felt life was unfair to me. from a broader perspective, I felt that society was on the decline and I should have been born in a different time.
Further, I felt that life in corporate America was exceedingly boring. Yes, I did it. I worked on Wall Street and I made some money, consulting, almost as much as I could spend, mind you.
However, it was not a vain, shallow existence as portrayed in movies, it was just boring. I did not pursue that line long enough to be fat and filled with ennui. I checked out and traveled/lived abroad on a shoe string.
Call me lazy, and maybe that is my problem, but I just cannot do it. Working in corporate America was analogous to living on ants as a food source. Even if they were chocolate covered ants it would not go down well.
Many of you might feel this way.
Dating was worst than work
Perhaps so many people in the West are obsessed with the ‘unit of account’ called money, because the pursuit of their ultimate mate is even more saddening. You keep going on dates trying to see if this one fits or is right for you, until the patterns get old and worn out. You might through your hands up and ask, ‘what is the point?’.
After some rude awakenings in the dating scene, which is par for the course in our post modern world, I rebelled against almost all that was holy. I acted out my disgust for the society, for this life and world, this cosmic joke that I was thrown into with rebellion and a feeling if people just use others, ‘what is the point’.
I felt women did not live up to my ridiculously high ideals (which after I met my wife, I realized I was aiming too low).
The Holden Coldfield experience
Was it that bad? Yes, if you are living this life of loneliness and feel alone all the time and then the darkness of winter set in, you become mildly depressed. Couple that with existential doubt and you have the classic 20 something Holden Coldfield experience.
I know today, you all can just go to phone dating apps and find some ego boasts. And society is a different perhaps, but it is not. At the end of the day, you are alone in the world and perhaps fewer women of quality are out there.
Consequences of not getting married
If you do not get married you will die alone and your seed will be wiped from the face of this earth. The end.
No great ‘I fulfilled myself though my career or my pets are my family’, rather, you might have some regrets. Read my lips, get married, if and only if you find the right one.
Most of the time, I felt like the fictional character Louis in the book Interview with a Vampire, existing half dead and half alive.
Most of all I longed for death. I know that now. I invited it. A release from the pain of living. My invitation was open to anyone. To the ‘hor’ at my side, to the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted.
My only saving grace was at my core, I believed that in this life there is no meaning in this life, rather only one ultimate meaning to life. Yes, you can find meaning in work or that door nob over there. But unless you see how meaningless this life is and be honest about that, you are deluding yourself.
Ultimate meaning is found in God, and this translates on this earth to loving someone and having a family. When you do this your world will change.
My point being, find your spouse.
You can watch movies on your phone in your tiny home or apartment, but doing this with a hot chick is more fun.
You can be broke, depressed and neurotic, but doing this with a hot chick is more fun.
You can travel the world and be vegans, but doing this with a hot chick is, you got it… just more fun.
So what happened next?
I continued on the path through the dark forest. I stripped away any romantic idealism with the radical corrosive skepticism and nihilism of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche. I even felt superior deep down that I was doing this and not like ‘those unenlightened people’.
When you strip away any illusion or fairy-tales, and in the end, realize that humanistic meaning is not fulfilling. You start to look for meaning in the void. This approach is anti-humanistic in the sense to shave off the illusion that the distractions matter. It is contrary to NPR and the New York Times view of things. Nothing matters except finding and uncovering the ultimate meaning in this Uni-verse.
Like in the book One-Dimensional Man by Herbert Marcuse, or like Sartre wrote in No Exit, there really is no exit and no transcendence in this transitory life except the ultimate meaning.
If you want to disagree with me, go ahead, roar like a lion. You could be like Sisyphus and push that rock up the hill to spite it all. If you do hats off to you.
However, better might be to try not find meaning in life, or ascribe some meaning to something, but rather search for the the ultimate meaning of life. A good book is by Hans Kung The Beginning of All Things. What if you do not see it? OK you do not, I understand. No worries.
No mediation – meditation on reality and the meaning of all things
However, maybe if you turn off your phone and computer and stop meditating and doing yoga and going to church, reading and listening to podcasts, and worrying, and just sit in the quiet of a room in your apartment and look around and watch the dust float by and the beam of light through the window. Do this and look at the walls and perhaps you can penetrate this reality. Try to really think about your existence and the composition of material and textures. Do not look for insight or a breakthrough or an ‘aha’ moment. You will most likely not get one. However, do it anyway perhaps you will taste some transcendence.
How meaning and marriage are connected
OK, so how did I get to the point of being with my wife 24/7 – 365?
I did not consciously reform my ways, or get that ‘Aha’ enlightenment moment.
Rather, I met my wife and she brought me back to my core nature. Not my culturally conditioned core nature, but the core nature of all conscious beings. She reminded in faith in God and an ultimate meaning was not only possible but probable. She saved me from myself.
Ironically I did the same for her.
We were metaphorically like in Aesop’s fables, the mouse who took the thorn out of the lion’s paw for each other.
My core ideas were romantic, naturalistic and rebellious combined with authentic religion.
She reminded me it was OK not to succeed in the matrix because you were never about that anyway. And it is very OK to want to date the girl that looks like she is from your adolescent dreams, and better yet marry her.
My advice to you is, birds of a feather flock together. Do not marry just anyone. You do not see seagulls and eagles hanging out. But you do see flocks of birds spending their life together. You do see deer traveling in packs. Find that person who you do not mind 24/7 365 dating. You can do it. Its should start with insane with physical attraction, which I recommend, but ultimately is only connected to radically common core spiritual values.
When you find that type of connection, you will not be looking to to find ‘space’ in the day away from her. You will not be looking forward to a girls’ night out or guys’ night out. I look instead to playing the board game ‘Ticket to Ride’ or chess together or going to the mineral springs, the beach, talking philosophy or our next adventure. We have been together for a number of years. I know other couples like this also. I think it is mostly connected to some sort of strange mix of physical attraction and religion.
When you find the person who saves you from yourself, why would you not want to bath in that saving grace all day and night? That is why my wife and I spend 24/7 365 together.
You can date a girl from the city, the suburbs or the countryside.
You can date an uneducated person, a modestly educated person or an educated person.
If there was a quadrant that mixes these two variables and if you were to run a regression on this, I would speculate that country girls who are educated have give the highest marital happiness. Conversely city girls who are uneducated result in unions that yield the least life satisfaction. Granted these are only two variables, however, I think based on the logical arguments below you would see a correlation.
This is not just because I married an educated village girl, but observed in my life experience. I have seen more successful marriages from people who are not ‘street smart’, but rather embedded with the wisdom of the countryside.
Every generalization is a distortion of the truth
I would say ignore this advice if it does not apply to your current situation.
Universals when looking for a mate
Modern thinking is dominate by the idea that subjectivity is the only way:
In economics, we see a subjectivity in value, Léon Walras, and Carl Menger and William Stanley Jevons.
In Philosophy existentialists like Sartre emphasized a subjective phenomenology.
Psychology is science with a post-enlightenment bias on the individual.
In art, modern art, pop art and digital art with shock value has more notoriety en masse than the classics of then Raphael, Lippi, Leonardo da Vinci, Titian, Giorgione
And in relationships it all depends on what you personally emphasis in your life.
That being said, consider the idea that there are some universals when looking for a mate and ideas that make a marriage happier. Subjective thinking where ‘up is down and down is up’, will lead you to unhappiness when choosing a life partner if you are not careful.
That is because there is something in the hard wiring of the human brain which came about through the process of evolution that influences our happiness when choosing a mate.
We evolved over a million years in the wild. For most of human existence people were hacking their way in the wilderness and burying their dead along the way.
Now we live in some strange surreal fishbowl of metropolis what we can not unplug from.
As a side note, I acknowledge the paradox that most of us, including myself, go fishing in the fishbowl of the city rather than going for rustic wild caught beauties.
However, I think happiness is often connected with people who at least grew up in isolation from, rather than emerged in the mass of humanity. Granted you can find people who are isolated in the city and people who live in online metropolises like Facebook despite a rural location. However, my point is I think isolation is a positive thing when a person is developing their character during their youth, and this is connected to a demographic of growing up in a less populated area.
Values that work for me in marriage
The mirror of my own life are values connected to self sufficiency, e.g. Henry David Thoreau, Romanticism which is connected to rebellion ( I can count on my left hand the numbers of years I lived 9 to 5) but also nature and transcendence (for me religion), education which is connected to my appreciation of liberal arts and a classical education.
If you come from a different reality, perhaps you want to date street smart city slickers but at least consider my ideas here.
Values of the countryside
I naturally gravitate to people that are self-sufficient, romantic, unconventional and rustic. I married someone like this. The skills she posses are almost in her genes. You either grew up with an appreciation for them or you do not.
My wife Kasia:
Cooks (in fact she is cooking now as I am writing, 100% from scratch, she bakes her own bread. I feel like I live like a king)
Frugal with money
Gardens, organic. I can watch scores of videos and read books but somehow she knows more than me.
Attends service weekly
Tutors our daughter for hours a day
Basically does everything we lived 100 years ago.
We have all the modern convinces, yet there is some instinctual drive to be master primitive technology see end product to work done, rather than be a paper pusher.
We do not feel like optimizing consumption is synonymous with optimizing life happiness.
These are the values that come from a small village. It would be hard to educate them into someone.
I want to qualify the terms here. When I mean someone from the countryside I do not mean currently living in the countryside. I mean someone who grew up in a particular demographic concentration. That is, someone who grew up in the countryside and lives in the city I would still consider them a country person, because, the first twenty years of life shape and mold your outlook.
I have experience and perspective: City versus Country
My experience is based on this:
I was born in Philadelphia
I grew up in New England
I worked professionally in NYC and Boston
I traveled reasonable part of the world
I lived in a city in Eastern Europe
My family is from a small village in Eastern Europe
I live in a town in Florida which is being transformed overnight from a small town to a large, but I still have a hamlet here I call my own.
I also teach college. I have exposure to countless college-age students and can see their behavior, work habits, attitudes, intellectual skill and even mortality.
Without doing a deep dive into the academic literature, and I may be proven wrong if I did, based on anecdotal life experience, people in the city tend to be more players as they have more options. People who at least grew up in the countryside, in a village or a town with limited options were protected from the corruption of society.
The world is changing but not to the end. If I were to go to the village of my family in Eastern Europe, the values are still different than Anytown, USA. Similarly, when I talk to girls from Kansas they are different when I talk to girls from Long Island. Where you grow up matters. Where your grows up matters for your personal happiness.
Avengers Villains from the village vs Human City dwellers
Let me tell you a story
I was standing in line at Walmart next to a couple that like they could have been in some Netflix originals cops and robbers show or some comic book movie like Vampirella or Shazam, as the villains. Yet, when I started to talk to them they were living in the county in the countryside and we started to exchanging gardening growing tips. They were calm, warm peaceful people. They were charming.
In contrast, I come across snow bird’s or corporate consulting types from metropolises up North, for example, Long Island. New Jersey, Cities in Ohio here on vacation in Florida. They consistently rub me the wrong way. Even if they are cloaked in the latest fashions I always feel discombobulated after a brief conversation and have to burn incense or something to get their energy off me.
My point being, even in a cordial conversation with someone it can be seen that how and where they grew up makes a difference. Therefore, forget who you are standing in line next to at the , who do you want to live with for the next fifty plus years? A wrong choice, and a small, subtle difference extrapolated out over time could pull you to the dark side. You can not deny that there is a different vibe from metros than from the farmer’s daughter.
More Positive generalizations about the Farmer’s daughter
Perhaps this does not play as strong as a role in the current era as technology has broken down a lot of boundaries. However, there are more variables than just exposure to the Internet.
Girls in the countryside attend church more
Girls in the countryside have their immediate family and extended family in close proximity to watch over deviant behavior
Girls in the village have a calmness because of the fresh oxygen content and low noise pollution and traffic. Life seems to move at a slower pace. Try going hiking in the mountains all day and see if you are as irritable as when you come home from your commute. Extrapolate that out over time and a habit is formed.
Try this experiment yourself, to test women in the city versus county
Women from the countryside greet you with a smile while the city slickers often meet you with cynicism. You do not have to fly across the globe to test this.
Go to a store like Tractor Supply or your local feed store and chat with some people.
Next, go to the nearest large metro area near you and see the vibes you get. It does not even have to be a posh store like Anne Talyor where moneyed girls hang out, rather, any store will do.
Take a reasonable sample of women or people.
Analysis your results and draw your own conclusions.
College students show the same patterns
Even with students, you get some co-ed from small-town Georgia whose daddy is a corn farmer, and they are universality syrupy in a positive way. In contrast, the city girls seem to know it all. I may be wrong but this is the way I see it.
If you are looking for college-age girls, consider where they grew up.
If you talking about a girl from another country I would use a coefficient when analyzing this and some logarithmic adjustments. That is, if you date a Ukrainian girl from Lviv, this would be equivalent to a home schooled girl in Nebraska.
I really need to create a formula for this dating equation. – Mark Biernat
Let me know in the comments if you think that would be a good idea.
However, one thing I want to convey, is being with an unrefined mind can be boring as their ability to navigate and analysis complex issues will depress you. So yes country is good, but not country music type country, rather renaissance peasant type country. Someone who would have an organic garden but can speak another language and will listen to classical music or read classic literature or speculate as you look at the night sky.
You want to find a normal inquisitive girl like this:
Or a intellectual living in romantic isolation like this:
See the best combination is countryside, romantic beauty with intelligence. I am not condemning people because they live or lived in a city, but really consider their values.
Why an educated girl?
Education is a humiliating experience unless you are going into a specialized trade like medicine, law or accounting, in which case it can have the opposite, ego boasting effect.
My wife has a Master’s degree in Political Science and went to a medical college. Do you think I care? I do not, just it is wonderful to spend countless hours talking about the world around us and how we could help or change the world to make it a better place if given the opportunity. We analysis and read (books) on all subject and can discuss. It seems like trivial point, but intellectual stimulation is a non-consumptive higher level human activity that you can derive pleasure from without the need of money or dopamine rushes. You just feel different when your brain operates on a high level and life is a mystery to be explored with the intellectual curiosity of a child. Do you not want this?
Coefficient of Money
Few of us can insulate ourselves from health or money problems after the age of 18. But what you can do is choose a partner who gives you joy regardless.
You want someone who transcends money.
You want someone who is sweet and syrupy but has the intellectual sharpness of a blitz chess player and the refinement of a proper lady.
You want to marry a proper lady. More often than not in my experience that is a countryside girl who has been sheltered and is almost naive or innocent. You want a lamb. Not a wolf or a player.
Post apocalyptic girl
Someone to spend time with in a Post apocalyptic grid down situation or world. Someone so stimulating you do not mind being without your conveniences and stimulating enough you do not have to check your phone or the Internet.
Someone so hot you do not mind helping repopulating the world with if surviving scientist deemed you and that girl as one of the worlds last hopes.
The purpose of this post to to give show you How to stop gaslighting in relationships so you can be happily married (like I am). The definition of ‘gaslighting in relationships’ is emotional abuse of power. It is a form of physiological manipulation. It is an idiomatic expression that has appeared in the collective unconsciousness of those seeking authentic interpersonal relationships. My premise is, it is not stickily a psychological issue but has an energetic component. If you are not aware of this energetic componet the processes of healing will be longer.
I have the cure. I am happily married and I have some wisdom that will help you. However, you have to stick with me and read, not just take the assumption you know what I am about. Read as I would like to help.
The origin of this relationship issue is as old as mankind, but the phraseology first appeared in Patrick Hamilton play Gaslight in 1938 and subsequent film adaptations in 1940 and 1944. It popped up in academic literature in the 1990s e.g. Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation, and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis (Dorpat, 1996) and When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships (Jacobson, Gottman, 1998).
Today social media channels outlined the issues:
Meredith Miller from Inner Integration – Gaslighting the Narcissistic favorite tool
Jordan Peterson with his discussions on narcissism
I highly recommend you spend a few minutes listening to the above.
These personalities are noteworthy mind you, and I am not taking anything away from them, and can even recommend these two at least as a first step. I believe you can solve many problems in your life with Youtube as the personalities authentically try to help people based on life experience.
I would like to say I am truly sorry you had anyone make you feel unworthy or doubt yourself or question your sanity. The good news is most people in the world are not manipulative. Most people are like you, sincere and wish the best on others. It may not seem like that now, but I have been happily married for years and so have my friends, and so can you.
We all have been in a relationship – often playing both roles
We all have narcissistic tendencies and all have to some extent been in a gaslight relationships, it is just the matter of degree for both.
Whether it was your spouse, partner, work, even children or parents. Often for men, it is their work relationship and for women from it is the interpersonal dating relationship.
The key thing is there is a solution and there is a way out of both, narcissism and being a victim of this.
When Psychology misleads you in relationships
If I am brutally honest, the psychological advice that is offered is often not radical enough. I still think there is a bit of Platonic sophistry in modern psychology as it is a cottage industry unto itself.
I know, I know the first thing, I should write is, ‘find the courage to see the patterns and then eventually leave, even depend on the strength of your friends’. However, it not just about psychology, it is about and energetic connection and the meaning of your life.
As a disclaimer I am not a trained counselor and you should always seek professional advice. I am simply a commentator or some observed aspects of Western Culture.
The good suffer in gaslight relationships
When someone manipulates you because they have power in a relationship, the good ones suffer, they are not victims but trusting people who get catch in a web. The innocent and the idealists suffer and the primitive reptilian ones win, for the time being. But in the end, they lose.
Never take revenge, because God will always carry out justice better than you, and if you are really good, he will let you watch.
You have to simply trust that this is not your person to fix or analysis. You are not your brother’s keeper. Your mission in life is not to help or fix or prove anything to a narcissistic person.
If you want to enlighten someone, help poor children in Africa or something. However, do not try to bring awareness to a gas-lighter. This is not your life mission. God will bring justice or healing in this world or the next to a person who abuses the power that they have.
God’s justice is this. God will show them unconditional love. If someone is narcissistic this will be very painful. It is an undescribable pain of purification for someone so far removed from God to feel unconditional love and acceptance.
Think about yourself. Is that not true for you? If someone totally accepted and loved every aspect about you, it would be almost too hard to deal with, and if you are a reader, you are pretty together I am surmising.
Power of the narcissist
Any power people have comes from above, we know this. And if someone abuses this power with a manipulation tactic they will someday have to own it. The reason they abuse their power is they come under some energetic dark-side energy that could have to do with Karma or generational inherited energy passed down or simply most likely pride. However, the reason you are susceptible to that is you do not see your own power or worth.
The reason you fall under their spell is one reason you do not feel good about yourself.
It comes from patterns when you were a child. You do not feel worthy at some level. Perhaps your partner is better looking or has more money or a career or simply more confidence (the latter is usually the case). Their abuse of power taints you for the next healthy relationship. After you leave and it is hard to image you can regain that sense of worth. Just understand, they have the problem. It is them not you.
I still have the solution. You can spend the next ten years or more healing or listen to my solution.
Choose your rut carefully, you will be in it for the next ten miles.
Road sign on a highway construction site
Before I give you my solution for gaslighting – some questions
First, objectively determine if the current situation you are in is real or convenient self-delusion. If it is self-delusion, then without address the bitter truth, you will find your life on a trajectory that will be less than optimal.
You have to differential between gaslighting which is real and those perceived. Often people use a new found term to get out of a committed relationship. Often people will grab as psychological idea from the web, like gaslighting or narcissistic and conveniently apply it to their life.
But if you are not married, it does not matter I suppose, if you feel this way leave.
What if you are married with children?
Second, consider if you are married and have children, this is different and the term does not apply in the same way to you. You need professional help, preferably from a trained Priest, Rabbi or Minister.
The reason is often one spouse is looking to bend their psychological perspective, even subconsciously to fit the narrative. This is tragic. Relationship quitters when kids are involved make a train-wreck out of the family and children because they get pumped.
Metaphorically, like astrology, people fit the terms to their circumstance, no matter how general the characteristics are and no matter what the situation. They project themselves into this situation, however, that does not mean it is real. They do it so they have permission to quit their family responsibilities because times are a little shaky. You have to be objective. You have to see it from all angles.
Is the person physically beating you? Or rather are they just obnoxious and manipulative in a passive-aggressive way? If they are hurting you physically, well you know your answer?
If you are married with children and you feel the person is manipulating you, then it is something else. This person is your spouse, you brought children into this world with them. You work with them to fix it, rather than get a divorce like modern culture will tell you. I am sorry but that is what marriage is about, work it out. It is insane the amount of adults can not calmly sit down and talk to people they brought children into this world with. I understand a lot but I do not understand that.
Gaslighting in a dating relationship solution
However, in every other relationship, from interpersonal to work, the solution is simple, leave. Drop them like a bad habit. If you do not like your job, quit. There are many narcissistic bosses. I do not care you have bills to pay, just leave. Write me and I can give you hints what to do next.
Do not think about it, do not over analysis it just leave. Start a new life. Move to a new city. Where is your sense of adventure? Move to Europe and teach English, just leave the whole toxic area.
The central ingredient to the cure for gaslighting that others do not tell you
Always ask God for help. Ask God to remove and disconnect the attachment. I am not one to believe in any form of supernatural. I am a corrosive rationalist skeptic. However, I can not deny:
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. your philosophy
Negative people are controlled themselves
I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life. When these things happen directed from aggressive people the residual energy attaches to you. I do not care if you think it is psychological or supernatural, it seems to be real. It is like a demon is probing your weaknesses and working on you.
Observe a negative person, their faces are distorted. They themselves are under some energetic control. Take it metaphorically or literally, net, net it is the same. I recommend the book Unbound by Neal Lozano. You can research this yourself or use other ways.
Take that for what it is worth. But the bottom line is if you want full healing, you need to ask God to remove this energy from you. You can go to psychoanalysis this for the next twenty years like Woody Allen or you can accept that life is about energy. We are strands of energy between heaven and earth and all cannot be explain and cured by the followers of the prophets of psychology and self-help. Sometimes, you need a higher power to clear this energy. You need to ask the Holy Spirit or Ruaḥ Hakodesh to intervene with deliverance.
100% No contact – Forever
Then you need to remove yourself physically from this person, Geographically, get far away, even if it sets your career back. Your career I can coach you on, as I am an Economics Professor, just write me. The main thing is get away from them.
Do not call them, do not contact them, do not check them on the Internet. If you do that you are not breaking free. You have to go total radio silence. Zero. How long? Forever. I know this is a hard pill to swallow but they are renting space in your brain for free.
If you are checking them online they are energetically connecting to you and being an energy vampire. If you check them only once a year, that is not no contact.
Go on Survivor or something
Then do things that build your confidence when you leave that relationship. Get a PhD, travel the world, go on the TV show Survivor, Jeff Provost would love to try to snuff your touch. But do something as an ideal minds invites temptation. The main thing is start to see your worth as a human being.
No matter how strong the pull and how many years wasted in the relationship, the solution is the same. You have to ask yourself this:
What is the meaning of your life?
Meaning of life question
The problem for people today in relationships is they have not asked themselves this question to the deepest end. People are not radical enough in their examination of life. They do not bring this question into the relationship. My God, you have to ask your partner this question. How could you be with someone, even intimate and not have this conversation?
When you are intimate you are exchanging energy and connecting. Yet you do not know where they stand etherically and philosophically?
You are a child of God. You are a miracle from heaven. Why would you put yourself in a relationship where the other person does not see you this way?
Why are you in a relationship with a person you do not sit on a park bench, hold hands and talk philosophy with?
You need to have deep philosophical conversations with your partner or you not be in a relationship with them. Take it from a happily married man, you need to converse about the meaning of life.
If you do not know where you are going, you will end up somewhere else.
Metaphorical self flagellation
Why would you be in a relationship with a person who is not chastising themselves to achieve a higher level of humility? Does the other have a routine of prayer and some manifestation s of spiritual asceticism, not for physical beauty, but to make themselves a more humble person. Or at least some element of the spirit of denial for a greater purpose, preferably in an organized religion like Judaism or Christianity or others. I believe in rituals as people that are too new tend to lack this aspect of radical humility.
What would Alexander Solzhenitsyn think of narcissists?
At the Start of the Day At sunrise thirty young people ran out into the clearing; they spread out, their faces turned towards the sun, and began to bend down, to drop to their knees, to bow, to lie flat on their faces, to stretch out their arms, to lift up their hands, and then to drop back on their knees again. All this lasted for a quarter of an hour. From a you might have thought they were praying. Yet in this time we live in people cherish their bodies and with determination and patience practice this body- daily. But they would be mocked and laughed at if they paid the same regard to their souls. No, these people are not praying. They are doing their morning exercises.
Russian author Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Here is the solution. If you are bonding with a partner who is not this path of asceticism to achieve a greater humility, rather one a path about themselves as illustrated in the above poem, I would recommend you escape. If they are about a career or something stupid like that, leave. If they can not engage you in deep philosophical questions about the meaning of life, run. Make a prison break and run for the woods. When the floodlights hit you, you may freeze for a second but keep running. God will protect you if you ask him. Say ‘Lord give me strength’ and keep running. Ask God to remove the negative energy of that person. Pray for the good of that person with a sincere heart. Then move on and remember, forgiving is forgetting. People say I forgive but they do not forget, forgiving is forgetting. It is that simple.
How to meet a woman and court her is easy if you know the secret. I know what I am talking about because I am happily married to the girl of my dreams. I do not know too many people nowadays that can say that.
Since the days of Fiddler on the Roof and matchmakers are a footnote in history, then what is a man to do, or a woman for that matter?
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match
Fiddler on the Roof
The secret to your mate
The secret for finding not just someone to marry, but the right damsel is found in two basic ideas, evolution and fate. This post will the first idea in practical terms so you can get married.
First things first, I would do is not put too much credence in online advice. Much advice is written by unimaginative single people, trying to make money online or just single people, “the blind leading the blind”. Sorry but that is the truth. In contrast, I am married and do this for supplemental income, however, my primary income, I teach economics and even getting a PhD. I reluctantly write this blog for a pittance, but I do hope it helps some people. I can speak with some authority not because of my degrees, but because I am married to a beautiful wife.
If you follow my advice to the tee, you will not just get married, anyone can get married, but get married to the girl of your dreams. However, there is one caveat. My advice will take thinking out of the box and will question your personal beliefs which you might not like. If you can roll with that, then we are good to go.
If I were single today
How would I pick up girl today? If I was single today, that means now, in the time of excess personal technology people and generations in the West who are generally spiritual but not religious, in a world of non-committal Millennials, Gen Z, Xers and Boomers trying again, how would I pick up a woman and make her my bride?
Since I am married, I will never pick up a girl in my life again. We will never break up and if I was alone I would play chess and hang out with my friends but would not be interested in anyone else. That being said this guide is for you.
There are two issues I see, one is technology and the second is people are generally spiritual and are not connected to the ultimate power in the universe. These two issues are interrelated. The first is much easier to address, that is technology and the focus of this post.
Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
Darth Vader Star Wars A New Hope
Technology makes people shallow or at least the addiction to it does. Faith in technology takes away your real power. Do we all agree?
I am a college Professor. In my observation, the students that use their phones the most, are the ones that have the least depth in their thought when they articulate ideas on paper. They circle and loop in their brain with basic ideas rather than probe deeper. Why? Not everything can be crystallized into “5 easy steps”. Information is the lowest form of knowledge, which the Internet is partial towards.
Many articles are written by blog writers/ Internet journalists that do not lead you to challenge yourself and your thinking at a more subtle level. It is this subtle level which is decisive. Do not believe me, consider the game of chess.
Chess as an illustration for deeper and subtle thinking
Chess is a simple game in a closed system. There is no luck nor exogenous variables unless you argue distractions need to be factored in. Chess is a subtle game. That means it looks simple, but it is not. Everything is about the art of discerning what seems to be a simple move into lines that have implications that stretch into infinity. My point is you can not read a post about ‘how to win chess in five simple steps’ and expect to win. And you certainly can not win with a cell phone in your hand.
Similarly, if you are living under the cognitive illusion that love and human interaction and the world we live in is less complex than a silly game of chess, you are in for a rude awakening. My point is you need to rely on your own brain more for mating rather than information or the distraction of technology. Every subtle move you make is the difference between being married to a fairy-tale or losing.
Human evolution and mating is finely honed
You need to realize how complex and subtle mating for life is. The female brain and the million years of evolution behind it designed for mate selection will checkmate you (send you on your way) before you even mate her. The solution is you need to, perfect the subtle art wooing her heart courting a girl.
This is where technology comes into play. Technology creates cognitive dissonance between your basic drives to find a mate and reality. It distorts your vision and mate selection becomes less than optimal. I met my wife in the time of technology, but I met her face to face.
How I met my wife
I walked right up to her and started talking out of the blue. I looked her in the eyes and spoke to her, a complete stranger. When I was filled with fear of rejection or embarrassment, I held my ground. You need to have confidence and courage.
As crazy as it sounds, in the times of swiping dating apps, texting and women calling everyone a freak who approaches them, talking face to face, is what women are programmed to respond. Women’s DNA is not programmed for some digital chat or convoluted introduction.
Real life princesses respond to a prince who will conquer her fears with bravery and be willing to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune for them. They will sent the guards to dump boiling oil over the castle walls, as you try to scale the walls. But you need to press on and rescue her from her tower.
In that millisecond, the girl may think you are a weirdo and even tell her friends that, whoever, if you hold your ground and are charming and cool, she will ask herself, ‘who is this guy?’ That is a man. That is real guts. You do not have to be six feet tall and have muscles, you have to be what a million years of evolution has programmed into you.
If you want a fairy-tale princess you need the courage to do this. You need to be able to woe her in real life from start to finish. If not go back to surfing ‘corn’ and doing whatever you do while you do that.
How to break the technology addiction with that relates to dating
Take a deep breath, you do not have to give up your phone or the computer. Just do not put too much credence in dating apps and try to unplug a little. Structure your online time and do not dissipate your libidinal energies there. Technology is a metaphorical hormone disrupter. You can use it all day long as long as it does not become the way you meet girls, at least exclusively. Yes you will get more numbers with technology, but that is not what you want. You want your one and only.
Learn to chat up women by perfecting the art of charm, lose weight (I am 6′ and 169 lbs), dress like a model with cheap clothes and read books, real books not digital books. Then travel the world. Abandon your house or whatever illusion of stability you have, pause or quit your career. It worked for me. The most important point actually was having the courage to approach women in real life, the other points are helpful.
My point is you need to be radical. This includes countering the ADD technology use with more traditional ways to nourish your brain. Anything, go hiking every day for a couple of hours in the wood, go to church daily or read classics with a paper, not on your phone. I go to the beach almost every day. You need to unplug, and this advice is so simple, but it is important. The painful loneliness you feel when you are unplugged will make you over time a little deeper and see the subtleties of life.
From there your brain can start to kick back into instinct mode. mode is the male version of 1 million years of evolution. That is better than any dating app, or advice from the web, you personally know better based on the hardwiring of your biology.
Why ‘zex tips’ are boring
Analogously, don’t you think articles and advice on euphemistically ‘roll in the hay’ tips are boring and not needed? Of course, they are boring, why? Because you always know that stuff and can do better than anything is written just based on instinct. You do not need a manual to show you how to ‘roll in the hay’, it is hard-wired into your organism. You are better off just to follow your instincts then think about some tip you read or saw somewhere on the web.
People who have Youtube channels on how to pick up girls are boring too in my opinion, because deep down you already know to connect with women, it is in your biological program or there would be no human race.
Why do you think there are so many people in the world because people follow advice on YouTube and use dating apps? Negative, it is because humans have the power to find their mate if you just tap into it.
We were at the zoo this weekend. I observed all kinds of animals. My question to you is, do you think any of the 8.7 million species and the trillions of living creatures and the 7.5 billion people go here on this planet because of online dating and Instagram? What about all over history and evolution, it seems like nature does fine without technology. Perhaps this generation has been sold down the river by people with this faith in technology.
Yield to the logic of my argument, one of the two main you are single you are not listing to your biology, rather you are plugged into instinct disruptors like cells phones.
OK here are some tips
You stuck with me this long on my homily, I can give you some simple tips.
Write letters – You need to write letters to a girl who you like. If you want to impress her, try to write some letters on stationary. It takes effort and thought and but if you are playing to win rather than playing and you really love her, I would do this. It is better than any gift, spending money on her or a text message no matter how clever and cute. Girls do not marry cute they marry someone who conquers them. Read letters of the past or take inspiration from Les Liaisons .
Be Skinny and stylish – Buy mustard color pants, get a good haircut, be 5 lbs underweight. I know this takes effort but I am telling you what gets girls. Do you not also like women that are like this?
Only meet girls face to face – Practice meeting women face to face and skip online apps. Get a Master’s degree or take courses somewhere, do what you need to, go to Church, go clubbing in Europe. My goodness, I bought a ticket to Iceland for $230, I flew back from Amsterdam for $250, I stayed in a hostel with girls in my room in the beds next to me. Forget, online dating these are real women. Book a flight somewhere, stay in a hostel and go site seeing. You will spend more money spinning your wheels around town buying prepared meals or useless stuff that will sit in your closet. Better is to learn to bake your own bread and have a garden and the $800 dollars a month saves is travel money every month. When you travel, I take a Chromebook not a phone. This way I am not plugged in, only check emails. Rely on your instincts to get around and ask females directions instead of being glued to your GPS.
Guys do you hear me? Girls sleeping in the bed next to me in Europe, one studying to be a Doctor anther was biking across Europe, neither one was online looking for dates. The best ones are offline. They dis technology because they are superior choices for mate selection. The ones online are not as good in my opinion.
If you can not try one idea above
If you can not do the above three things to start I would check your urinary levels of testosterone (T) and epitestosterone (E), this can be done at a walk-in lab in any city, USA. Maybe you are still drinking from plastic bottles, a soy user or are unaware of other hormone disruptors.
Therefore, in conclusion, do not get all negative and blame society or American girls, that things are different today or whatever your deal is. That is the dark side that will lead you to wake up at 45 years old and still being single.
Better is, to be honest with yourself and know what you are. I said what you are not who you are. You are not a cyborg, that is a cybernetic organism, half man, half machine. What you are relates to being a product of a million years of human evolution finely tuned to find the woman of your dreams. If you can not understand this you are swindling yourself out of your own life.
When I was in high school I thought women were ethereal beings like angelic vessels. They were examples of virtue, goodness and gentleness on this earth. Females radiated with a light and beauty that was almost unobtainable to us mere mortal men.
I had a rude awakening.
However, my initial premise was correct. This is what guys want, a fairy-tale, a vision, an incarnation of a fantasy.
Of course my idealism was probably connected to the fact I grew up in an old world Catholic family and went to an all boys school, where I was steeped in romantic literature. When I went to college at Wake Forest it was still run by the Baptists, where it confirmed my world view. When I went to Trinity for graduate studies, I was so involved in my work and school, I really had not had adequate exposure to women to understand the world around me had changed.
Once my career (does anyone really have this anymore) was underway, I learn that my visions of the goodness of women did not really exist, or so I thought.
Somehow through the grace of God I met my wife in Poland and we are living happily ever after.
What is the point? My point is my original vision was correct. It was a vision that has been transmitted through the generations and centuries in our collective unconsciousness. It is the primordial archetype for single females. The take away for women is to follow my line of thinking how to get there.
Advice to girls
One critical piece of advice I am going to give to womenkind is this: “understand your worth”. I know it seems simple and cliché but it is not. It is real. Women do not see their real value.
When women compromise this leads to a fundamental unhappiness. They go through life a little bit miserable like someone who can not shake a low grade fever. Why? Because they never see their worth and power in the true spirit of the idea.
Seeing your value is not synonymous empowerment in a feminist sense, because people confuse women’s liberation with the genuine liberation of women.
Seeing your worth as a woman simply means as a female you have the power. It means you have to the power of choice. You can choose to get your knight in shinning armor. You do not have to grasp whatever is out there. You have a magic that guys do not have. You have this certain je ne sais quoi.
You need to understand this je ne sais quoi power. You do not want to be a compromiser. Do not date ‘cool guys’ and feel like someone cares about you and loves you even if he is a bit of a man-boy. My recommendation is marry a prince.
As a rule women do not see their worth. It is crucial that you start seeing your worth as a female. This amazing value comes from the Divine as a gift. It is a free gift. It is not earned but you have it already. You can reject this idea but people who misuse their gift pay a heavy karmic price and often live tragic lives.
Lets be honest here, up until middle school and sometimes beyond, even in college, girls rule. They generally study harder, are more responsible and have been taught self confidence (maybe too much by our society), and tend to make good choices. Then hormones kick in and like a big storm washes away anything but the most solid foundations.
Too good for any man – Enter Hormones
These hormones override much of their rational thinking and female self-esteem plummets. I do not know if it is part of the evolutionary program or not. Because women are superior in so many ways from a behavioral standpoint at that juncture, that without these hormonal changes women would probability perceive themselves as ‘too good for any men’.
Some women are drunk with ego feel this way until they are 30 years old and then it is too late.
Why is this? Nature sets women up to take care of the family, and be responsible earlier. That is why they are given so much. Then it is time to start thinking about mate selection for latter life.
These hormones which are unbridled often drive women to go for guys that they should not be involved with. They comprise their values because they do not see their worth.
Romantic love brings people together than never should be brought together.
There is one solution, that will correct your course. You want to jettison modern values and be that fairy-tale princess who we as humans all have in our collective unconsciousness.
Once you realize your power start to shape and harness it. Refine it or you will be an amorphous blob of unactualized potential.
How to be a princess
If you do not know how to start, do this: develop a prayer routine. With prayer you will move mountains.
It could be coupled with regular church attendance. If you have a problem with that, I can not help you as God is the source of all love and if you do not want to even build your connection to the primal source than I do not know what ideas will attach to you and guide your life.
Better that the “laws of attraction” is to read the Bible in the evening before bed. I am sorry if you think it sounds fanatical but it is not, it is you taping into the infinite source of love.
Women, see your worth as a Divine gift from God to humanity. Do not cheapen yourself because of appetitive drives or feelings of low self worth. Do not go for the first guy that pays attention to you. If you have done this, break the pattern and find redemption is your commitment to your core values.
Stop the online dating addiction
One idea is stay off meeting guys online. If you meet a guy online, they will not respect you. This study hints at why people prefer online relationships over face to face risk taking. Since so many people modify their images these days the time efficiency argument is not as strong. When you meet them they are often not hot.
The above study suggest a correlation between online interpersonal relationships and self-esteem. I think the results are interesting.
Place your phone in the driveway under your car
Better yet. Take your phone, put it in your driveway and run over it. Now you do not have a pacifier to keep you happy. You can keep a piece of it and make jewelry out of it to remind you of your dark love relationship you had with your cell phone. You might have even watch ‘corn’ on it. Your cell phone is keeping you from self development as you are too ADD to contemplate life anymore.
Meeting a guy online does not make the guy work enough for you. He has to earn it to be graced by your presence. He earns it by having the courage to approach you in person rather than behind the safety of a digital screen.
Dating apps are is safe but gutless
And you, feel so safe with dating apps as you can screen out people that do not match your criteria efficiency and get some ego gratification while your at it. You are in full control. In my mind that is gutless. Coward.
Live like there is no tomorrow and put away Tinder and Snapchat.
Retro ideas that work
Play to win and take risks and put yourself in physical places you will meet guys: • Church – You will not go wrong here • College classes – no matter what age you will surround yourself with educated people and your life will improve • Travel to Europe or anywhere around the world – Better is to quit your job and to camp out by a volcano for month or something. • Join a permaculture group – a lot of ecofriendly aware guys • Join a chess club – lots of smart guys • Landmark Forum – People striving to better themselves • Baptiste Yoga teacher training – Hipster guys with a heart
You will have to start to think of radical action to change your life. If you do not, you will lose.
How to refine yourself
Make yourself a princess by refining yourself. I give a lot of ideas on this site, however, the most important point, online dating coaches and online shrinks will not tell you, is pray. Pray that God in heaven will help you improve yourself and refine yourself in ways that will help your life and lead to your love of your life.
Buying flowers or a dinner is not romantic. You will spend money, feel frustrated. The most important point is you will feel empty (besides your wallet) and you will not know why. Anything that involves spending money is not romantic. It can not be, because Romanticism by definition is a rebellion against classic conceptions.
Today our society is markedly rational and anti-romantic. The skyscrapers are linear in construction and more functional. Few people are building anything Baroque, rather, homes are more cookie cutter than Victorian for example.
There is a high premium on functionality and optimal utilization of scares personal resources. Similarly people find practical, efficient ways to find a date, like a dating app.
However, if you are quixotic and joust a few windmills you will get the girl or guy and feel better about yourself.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing
You want to be someone who takes out a newspaper ad like this:
Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
-Safety Not Guaranteed
You want to be a eccentric, genius, bold and beautiful. Reader, listen to me, you are a young man. You are sitting on your computer. You have the whole world ahead of you. I am asking you to be a man and try.
For example, a friend of mine, recently pulled out all stops and moved to Kiev. That is living a life of adventure. That is the start of a romantic life. He left safety and stability behind. He has skin in the game.
I recommend you play for more than you can afford to lose, than you will learn the game.
If you want to get the girl or if you are female and want to find a husband, be romantic. Its not a thought but a life. Do something radical like move to another country. Not a vacation mind you, but pack up a move. You do not have to move, but wake up and change your life in a radical way, a way of adventure and Romanticism, that is lasting. Build a Cordwood house in the wilderness, bike across the country, walk the Appalachian trail, build a time machine, but change your life.
After sometime you will wake up and see the world with new eyes.
Now look with your… new eyes
What did you see? No words can describe it. Might as well ask Heaven what it sees. No human can know. The world had changed, yet stayed the same.
Like a new born vampire weeping at the beauty of the night.
Romantic dating vs Realistic dating
Both genders complain about dating today. Yet the conceptual framework they have been given, has been handed to them by psychologists, popular cultural mores and relationship advisors.
People think in terms of alpha males and rules and tips for dating or conventions about how other people date and interact. Others think in terms of how to fit traditional roles into the dating context, such as, the man should make the decisions and be the breadwinner, and use words like, ‘genetics’ and ‘evolution’ as evidence to support their thesis.
I am not saying that some of the ideas are not without merit, rather, they will fill your head with ideas, and still no wife or husband or at least not the prince or princess of your adolescent fantasies.
Why? Because romantic love is always a subconscious fantasy come to life.
It can not come to life by thinking about it. You must come to life.
The farthest distance is between the head and the heart
What about money? Money seem to have become the magic pixie dust people use to attract a mate. Guys think since they have a stable job they deserve a girl. Some even go as far as flashing their ‘blue passport’ and subconsciously dangle this as bait.
Let me be perfectly clear. The Excel spreadsheets or cube job or whatever way you make your living has nothing to do with love and finding your mate, nor does your house you own or any stability you put out there. Those jobs mean nothing. You think they are important but they actually might imped your Pilgrims Progress.
Being stabe when you are single is actually a little sad.
Be the last of the Romantics
If you want to really get the girl or guy, you need to jettison these classical sterile conceptions that are arguments to your rational brain, and look no further than the Romantic movement for inspiration.
Romanticism was a latter 18th Century and Early 19th Century movement in most recent times. However, the society generally oscillates every few centuries between rationalism and Romanticism in some form. That is beyond the scope of this discussion, but a worthy study, or something to be contemplated.
How to be a Romantic in the 21st Century
You can not imitate the past verbatim. You have to take inspiration and forge a new meaning of Romanticism today. Going to an art museum and meditating on paintings of Albert Bierstadt or any great artist, reading Emerson, Thoreau, Stoker, Tolstoy or Austen or any such authors listed here: Romanticism and idealism or understanding what it mean here What is Romanticism – This will have greater influence on your dating life than yet another right swipe with your index finger on your cell phone.
Study the past to create some distance from the present so we can understand our present in all dimensions and take up arms against the ennui of our time.
Then start contemplating some great escape from your current life.
Romanticism appeals to the subconscious.
Here is a scene from Last of the Mohegans. When a proper high society girl finds herself in a savage wildness with perils all around her.
You are right, Mr. Poe. We do not understand what is happening here. And it is not as I imagined it would be, thinking of it in Boston and London …
Cora (beautiful young lady)
Sorry to disappoint you …
On the contrary. It is more deeply stirring … to my blood … … than any imagining could possibly have been …
You want to be that. That is your 1 step.
You do not want to know it in your mind, but live it in your heart and life in reality.
Better to be living in a cabin in the wildness with the girl of your dreams than trapped in a relationship under the bars of convention and the ‘best choice’.
The founder of Burt’s Bees pick up his future wife hitchhiking and lived in a cabin in Maine. Contrast this with the Wall Street execs or even an Excel superuser or someone who dangles their stable life as bait to some woman.
What life do you really want? Yes, once you are married you build the nest, but not before. Think about being the last of the romantics and like Hawkeye and not fall for the conventions of the society that uses you.
OK, Mark so how do I:
‘How to be Romantic in 12 simple steps’, so I can get the girl’?
That is the paradox, you do not. Stay off Wikihow. Another symptom that we are living in a world of realism is the web has become the largest reciprocal for ‘how to’ advice.
In fact, in its current iteration, that is all it basically is, a how to book. This is based on user experience algorithms, that supposedly lead users to efficient sequestering of information. I wonder if I just bought a set of World Book Encyclopedias from a thrift shop, instead of the Internet, I would be better off?
The web has become ADD and practical because it is designed by programmers, and subsequently shaped by AI. So the sites they serve on the SERP (search engine result pages) are, yes, the ones the programmers and AI think you should see based on their determinate criteria that deem important.
By default, programmers and soulless machines are giving your dating advice
Yes, that is it. So you are basically taking dating advice from programmers when you search the web? Yes. The practical, realistic pages are what people are reading and the mobile dating apps are designed this way and there you have it. They are influencing your subconscious and reinforcing the paradigm.
You get more of what you reinforce
– first law of psychology
The world is reinforcing the paradigm of rationalism.
I foresee that man will resign himself each day to new abominations, and soon that only bandits and soldiers will be left.
-Jorge Luis Borges
Become aware of the art of rebellion
The hopeless romantics are in full retreat or do not exist anymore. Like Jedi Knights, they have faded into our mythology.
People have resign themselves to the philosophy of ‘the best we can do is find a wife or husband on a dating app that fits our criteria the best, optimize our selection when it is our time, and move forward with marriage’. This is a bit utilitarian for me.
Me, I would rather be single or a Trappist monk. At least those guys have a soul.
So how do we change all this and shift the paradigm, get the girl and live happily ever after? We do not. I am not on some crusade to shift the paradigm of extreme rationalism, the matrix we live in today.
I am simply here to make you aware that a veil has been pulled over your eyes.
My suggestion to you is study what Romanticism is about. Nature, transcendence, the individual over the needs of the many and most important imagination. You do not have to be Lord Byron or Gothic. Rather, I simply do not shallow the pill of rationalism so quickly.
Maybe there is more in heaven and earth that our science and philosophy has not dreamed of. Maybe you want to live the life in the spirit of two centuries ago and go on some crusade to save your soul from the godless machine of our time.
So Kenneth why are you looking for a partner? The world is full of jenkholes. But I believe there are purists out there, that is why I put that ad in the paper.
Safety No Guaranteed
Feel the fear and do it anyway and take risks. Your eyes will be open and you will see beauty where others do not.
There is a strange beauty in dis-proportionality.
You will discover the people society think beautiful are subconsciously grotesque, and the ones people never look at, because of some dis-proportionality of character or form, are enchanting, like characters in a fairy-tale.
Anyone who does not dream their life away is wasting their life.
If you radically transform your life, and live as the idealist, the romantic, the rebel, the dreamer, your life might not be on such a smooth course as it is now.
However, once you radically transform your life, the hardest decision will be who do you marry?… Snow White, Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty?
The question of “Why am I not married?” echos in the thoughts of every single who is honest. It begs another questions, where and who is the girl or guy I am suppose to be with? I have the answer to both. If you want to get married, take this advice from a hopeless romantic who is married.
The prince is never going to come. Everyone knows that; and maybe sleeping beauty’s dead.
Lestat the Vampire
People who want to find true love, get married and have a normal family life, in my mind, are ethically superior and happier than people who are perpetual players. This is based on my feeling that life has a purpose beyond people using people for their own ego gratification. There is one exception, if you are single and are dedicating your life to the poor suffering souls of this world, than that is a different story. However, generally, those who aspire to the ideal of marriage and want to find a wife or husband, I respect you and say that is a more worthy goal than pursuing a career and money or other ego gratifying gods of this world.
Fate has a strange sense of irony
The paradox is, if you are fishing for a wife, it does not work as well as if you are hoping for a dreamy romantic girl who lives in your imaginative world.
Like you, I wanted to be set free from the pain of loneliness and always encroaching darkness and despair.
What is a fairy-tale marriage made of?
The answer to this pain of aloneness combined with existential anxiety, is not to find a wife or husband. The answer is to seriously consider if you believe in the idea of romantic love. Romantic adolescence primitive urges couple with a belief in true love and suffering, and the Source of all love, are the stuff great marriages are made of.
Love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and therefore loving, for a long time ahead and far on into life, is: solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves.
Rilke – Letters to a Young Poet
You need to seek romantic love, rather than a wife. To seek romantic love is the greatest of all tasks.
To seek romantic love, you have to believe in romantic love. You have to take this task seriously. I personally believe all love comes from God. If you are a not believer, you can have a happy marriage, however, I do not have any personal experience with anyone who still has magic in their love without God after so many years. It is like you are cut off from the Source of all love, whether, you know it or not. Maybe I am wrong and admittedly I have limited experience in this world, so I could be wrong. I have been with my wife for many years and it is better than the day I met her. That is all I can say. I can say that with a good conscious.
What is the question?
Therefore, you have to seriously ask yourself, do you believe in romantic love? You know the adolescent type feeling of nativity and magic as well as the mature romantic love of Chopin Nocturnes or Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. Do you believe not in marriage but the magic of love?
Seduction of the dopamine rush of the modern world that destroys love
Or is your brain burnt out with the dopamine rush of the modern world? Online ‘corn’ addiction or too many swipes on Tinder or meaningless chats on snapchat?
People swindle themselves our of their own lives.
I do not care, I am not my brothers keeper, I am just asking the question. Be honest with yourself. Do you believe in romantic love? I do not care what your answer is.
If you do not believe, that is your choice. If you do, no matter how lonely you are, and impossible it seems and how used and recycled your feel, you will find your one and only true love.
What is the reward? Somehow, somewhere, when you least expect it your one true love will walk into your life, out of nowhere. It will be so shocking when you realize this and even surreal because you might be living that relationship now. You might not even know it at first, but at some point in time, you will be living it.
Contrary to cynics marriage is great
People who want to get married will live a happier richer life than their counterparts that do not want to pass their genes. Those who want to get married will have more ‘physical relations’, laugh more and feel more fulfilled than those whose seed will be wiped from the face of the earth. They will also statistically earn more – but that does not matter.
If what you are doing now does not work – do the opposite
Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite.
If you are looking for a wife you might be reducing your chances. Maybe uninstalling dating apps from your phone are worth a try. Maybe trying something crazy like trying to meet in person and only in person for a while if worth a try. Instead of searching for a husband or wife, ask yourself do you believe specifically in something called “romantic love”.
Wife or Princess
What I mean is I know a lot of guys and girls that put marriage over love. Practical people. Love is not about practical, it is about being bold and beautiful and living like you are nothing else matters but finding not a wife but a princess.
Guys are looking for a wife. Women are looking for a husband. Nothing wrong with this. I wanted this also. I am there with you. However, at the core, my fantasies were not about a wife. It was not about a lifestyle. It was not about having a family. I was looking for this dreamy hypnotic girl who would love me like I loved her.
This is a huge difference to wanting to find a wife or husband. I wanted romantic love. It did not even matter if it ended in marriage or not. I did not care and was not consciously thinking like that, at least not fully. Women are not objects that fit into my conceptual life framework. They are not an aspect of my life.
I wanted to find a woman who was my life and felt the pain of the long sobs of the violins of autumn that wound my heart with a monotonous languor.
If you are single you want to get a person to fall in love with you and you want to fall in love. You need this hypnotic magic that makes the moon appear in the sky and the stars shine at night, rather than ‘shopping for a wife’.
No girl wants to be shopped.
Conversely, no guy wants to be a girl’s solution for her singlehood. No guy wants to be the babymaker after she had her fun or tried to spin her psychological web and lock down so many other guys, right? How unhigh is that to be someone’s last chance hope. I would rather live a quite life of desperation.
You want to be special. You want this eternal partner to mean something besides a good choice. Again there is no blame here. Most of us want to get married. However, we are human not AI. We are not optimizing our chances at a particular time. We want love, which is something an AI computer can not feel. No dating app, or bridal website will get you to love, no matter how well they are designed. What will get you to love is one thing. The ideal that true love exists. The ideal that love is more important than money or looks or cultural divide.
What is the solution and how to find a wife?
I can only tell you based on my experience. I am happily married for many years. Many players and pick up artist out there still scratching their heads and philosophizing, many online marriage sites trying to sell. Me – I am telling you like it is. You have to be a romantic. You have to be the pick up artist who only wants one girl.
Evil is always possible. And goodness is eternally difficult.
Interview with a Vampire
You have to be the romantic.
Be honest with yourself. Do you believe in romantic love? If you do not I have got nothing for you.
I fantasized about romantic love not a wife. I imaged her in my fantasies before I went to bed. Not as a technique like laws of attraction, but this was my fantasy. Listen to classical music or something besides pop music. Listen to sounds that deepen your feelings. Read books that are from the romantic genre of literature. Do what you have to, unplug and discover what romanticism is about.
I prayed for love. Hands down this will work. However, it takes time, it is not like putting an Amazon order in. If you can not wait, I have nothing for you.
Be a good “duck” – insert an ‘f ‘where I wrote ‘d’. I made myself attractive. Being OK looking and thinking you made money, so you are OK, is so unhigh. You have to look like a good ‘duck’. I would buy stylish (cheap) clothes and make sure I was in top shape with a good haircut, being 5 underweight is not bad, so you are ripped a little. I would learn to chat up girls in person. You have to be a heart throb. I do not mean a pretty boy, I never was one of those, but you have to learn to be charming. You have to learn to be a pick-up artist, but use it for the pursuit of romantic love, not ‘action’. Be irresistible. Look like a good “f” when someone of the opposite gender sees you, but in reality be a hopeless romantic. Be a good ‘duck’ but really someone who believes in eternal love.
Weekly church goer – Me, personally, I would not consider someone who was not a weekly church goer, but that is me. Why would I bond with someone who believes all roads end at the grave, when in my heart I know the biggest lie of our society is that there is that one is like Herbert Marcuse wrote, you are a One-Dimensional Man
You might say I am old school but I am not, I am new school. Old school is using dating apps. New school is the real world. Talk and meet girls in person. This is our relationship program from 1 million years of evolution. Do you think you are so smart you can override your hard-wiring with some little dating app? Be brave and courageous.
Let me know if you have questions. Contact me, subscribe, comment. I want you to find love.
Hi – My name is Mark and I have reluctantly built this site.
My philosophy is ‘I am not my brothers keeper’. However, against all odd, I married the girl of my dreams. Therefore, if I can help others find true love, maybe I have done something good for the world.
I have a unique mission
Find true love and be happy with your life. That would be nice. My mission is to tell you it is possible and show you specifically how. You can find true love even in this postmodern world. If you are painfully lonely like I was and thought something might be wrong with you or the world, then you came to the right place.
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Why a College Professor knows something about love
My name is Mark Biernat. I am actually a college economics Professor. I also, I write language learning programs, and that is what most of this domain is about (traveled a lot of the world). That is nice and gives me perspective but that is not the reason I know about love.
I write about finding true love because most of my life I felt alone. Even when I had countless dates and top jobs living in big cities like Boston and New York as a professional, I was alone. Even when I was poor and unemployed and all the times in the world I was alone. Even if I went to premier schools and had friends and family (I am from a family five kids), I felt the pains of loneliness. I have looks, yet I did not have love. It did not matter. Contrary to the misinformation on the web, looks, job, money, attitude and friends do nothing for finding love. I did not have the love of my life.
I became aware through the pains of life and the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
My doubts had doubts
Something was not working in my life and I started to doubt myself, the world I lived in. Even my doubts had doubts and my mind played with me. Life was almost taunting me, laughing at me. I concluded that the fairly-tale dreams of adolescence were the last illusion to be broken. Until something happened one day.
There is a world beyond a world when it comes to love
I discovered there was a world beyond my every day life.
The girls at the office, my neighbors, my friends of my friends, the people you go on dates with from some Internet dating site were not real. They are living a life of that will leave you with a no win scenario if you try to date, or God forbid marry them.
Either your whole life will be a compromise or you will wind up being left.
I do not want to be living with a metaphorical one way street. I wanted real magic.
If there really is a door in this house that leads to some other world … do you really mean… that there could be other worlds – all over the place, just round the corner?”
“Nothing is more probable,” said the Professor.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S Lewis
I will not give you some cliché statements about love, dating and romance. I will give you advice based on personal experience and wisdom that exceeds anything like the superficial recycled information on the Internet. There are other worlds.
The tragic world you were born into
Do not date the people around you, as our society is largely poisoned by postmodern existentialist nihilistic thinking. The result is many are players changing partners like rides at an amusement part. Even fewer live a fairy-tale and the result is most people life lives of quiet desperation.
Contrary to popular commentary, no gender is to blame. It is simply you have been sold a lie. The approach and way you find love is not what dating sites tell you, nor advice from the experts.
What is the solution
My way is the only way. I know it seems like a bold statement but it is true.
Date people who shares the ideals of your youth. Someone who believes in God, and is walking the walk manifest in humility and asking for forgiveness. Without the high ideals, relationships will degrade into self absorption and subsequently unhappiness. However, with ideals you have a union that you would never have imagined unless you experience it for yourself.
Also, marry someone who to you looks like a super model fantasy. Someone is way out of your league. When I saw my wife, I walked away as she was way beyond my level, and I thought I was top. Thank God I turned around and tried to talk to her.
This blog will tell you where and how to find them. And once you do it will be as if your eyes are open.
If you want to find love you have to have the courage of your convictions.
You have to believe it is possible and be willing to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You have to be willing to be burned, humiliated and defeated.
Whoever is not prepared to endure everything, and to stand firmly by the will of the Beloved, is not worthy to be called a lover. – Thomas Kempis, 15th Century German Monk
And that is it. If you do not have the stones to really fight for love, to be willing to risk it all and play to win, then you need to resign yourself to a life of quite desperation.
The advice on this website will help you find the the love of your life, the love that comes from your dreams and the unspoken prayers of your heart.
And one last thing. Is love worth it? Is it all that I dreamed about? Beyond what I can describe and what I ever could have imaged. Yes, it makes your life complete and happy.