Why people choose the wrong wife or husband

Marriage is a trap only if you ignore the two rules for marriage

If you get married or fall in love with the wrong person heaven help you. It is a purgatory that requires a high emotional price to escape from. Some argue there is no exit, only in their spirit of Camus or Sartre, existential defiance. In fact Sartre wrote a book called No Exit and Camus the Myth of Sisyphus (both recommend quick reads).

However, you you can find an example in American TV fantasy culture regarding marrying or dating the wrong person. Just watch the TV show Once upon a time and the relationship between Prince Charming and Mary-Margret. Misdirected love spins a sticky web.

  • The purpose of this post if to give you two rules of thumb for choosing the right life partner as your husband or wife.
Find a beautiful and idealistic wife. Then you can live your fairy-tale. My wife on the magically beautiful island where we live.

Why the right mate is so important

Who you marry and mate with is the most important choice in your life. Actually it is the only choice that really matters in life. What you do in terms of marriage will echo through eternity. The seeds that sprout from mating will influence the world, hopefully to the end of the world.

That is your wife will determine your children and hopefully your children’s children and generations far into the future, long after we are all gone. So choose your wife right.

Did I scare you? I did not mean to. I am just saying that romantic love brings people together that never should be brought together. The following metaphor will clarify things a bit.

Good looking girls are a dime a dozen, but to find a woman with a Jane Austen sense and sensibility that is the real trick.

Useful relationship metaphor

Each person is a cloth or pattern, make sure you match with the cloth you are dating or weaving with so to speak or the tearing apart will be hard.

Imagine weaving one cloth which is black and white pin strips to another cloth that is a colorful plaid. They just do not match. And each moment you spend with a girl it is like you are a new stitch when you are weaving two clothes or patterns together. If you spend a lot of time with the wrong person, when you need to rip apart and start again it is costly.

So choose the right mate.

The only two things that are important in mate selection

Looks first

My answer is easy. Each person will find a different solution to their life. However, the first rule of thumb is I recommend is find a super cordial lady. Someone physically you can not resist.

They have to be attractive for you, not anyone else, that is the magic of love.

Base the physical aspect on something you are obsessed with. Something on a primal primordial level you can not control. Me, I like long legs on a girl a girl and a classic Roman nose, not the little English turned up nose. I have a wife with long legs, this makes me happy. Does this sound superficial? It is one million years of evolution. My genetic code is attracted to her genetic code. DNA dating the natural way.

Other guys like girls that large cupcakes, the bigger the better and females under a certain size they feel sorry for (I personally never understood this). Some guys like round girls others watchtower. Basically you have to find what does it for you.

For example, I am blond, but my wife although she is Polish is so dark she looks Arab or Indian in the summer. Since I live on the beach where we have an endless summer, I basically married an Indian girl. Genes like to mix up for evolutionary reasons we do not understand, and out subconscious and libidinal mind gives suggestions to frontal lobe.

Find what does it for you, because you do not want to cheat or look at other girls once you are married. So find the one that blows you away and gets you thinking the most dirty things.

Second –  Morals the girls

It amazes me that people choose mates based on anything but looks and morals. Looks and morals are the only things that matter.

Find someone that believes with all their heart in fairy-tales and goodness.

If you want to understand someone ask yourself what is their nature – Marcus Aurelius

How is this not clear?

I am the director for a Luxury hotel and I have seen an inordinate amount of heart breaks and loneliness in my hotel. Every person I chatted with in this situation had a a partner who had some moral defect. I asked them, ‘why did you date or marry them’? Did you not consider morals and high ideals during the courtship process?

My day job is, I run a large resort hotel and meet scores of people everyday. Often the guest in my hotel have heartaches and are lonely.  I ask them why they did not consider the morals of their partner before getting involved with them. They cite reasons like ‘he was a rich guy or she seemed nice’. These are poor answers. Do not be like one of the guests coming through my hotel broken-hearted, staying in luxury but alone. Consider morals as half of the love equation.

If I were to choose one virtue it would be humility.

Only marry someone with humility. Ideally a humble girl, lawfully ideal based and non materialism.

Humility – Find a girl who does not care about money or power or titles or positions or anything. In fact find a girl who might even not feel good about herself. She only cares about doing good in the world.

Find a girl who is lawfully idealistic. This girl will always be on your side and by your side.

Some girls are fickle and will leave their husbands over pride or even trivial things after an argument. Yet, other girls will stick by their man even if in prison.

What I mean by that is find a girl who does not believe in divorce. I do not nor does my wife, it is that simple we are stuck with each other. Someone who believes in good and bad. Not someone who is generally spiritual and bends the rules where it is convenient.

I know a lot of girls who are ‘spiritual’ and have new age candles by their bed but also a package of ‘protection’ by their nightstand in case they meet that random guy online or the club.

I know girls that love their cats but will have little problem terminating an unborn if it is inconvenient.

Or girls that say I am spiritual, but if a marriage is stressful, they have a war party with their friends where they are all affirming each others and nodding their heads like on an afternoon talk show and they determine it is better to just leave. What a lame form of spirituality.

Instead why not find a girl who will be with you for better or worse? Girls will often say ‘he is sick, he has real psychological problems. But are not the vows also ‘in sickness and in health’?

Find someone who understands right and wrong in a concrete sense.

Find a girl who does not care about money. I am an unrepentant capitalist, yet I understand that money is the root of all evil if factored in any way in a relationship. At the first sign of a girl that wants love and money or love and career run and hide.

Finding someone with shared interests is over rated in Western dating. There are a million cool and hip girls that like to do things like ride bikes and eat sushi. Find someone whose ideals are so in the clouds they belong in a different time (century) and place.

What about interests and hobbies and school?

Never confuse school with your education – Mark Twain.

One of the biggest turn offs are people who are self impressed. They feel in someway their career or academic performance means something. It does not. It only is something that might trip their ego up and pride might creep in.

Better is find someone who is sophisticated to your level, but does not care about formal societal measures and laurels.

It does not really matter their education and interests. Once you spend time together you develop mutual interests. You teach each other and grow together. Ironically match.com dating and many other dating sites are based on hobbies and mutual interests and ‘tell me about yourself’. This does not matter. All that matters in marriage partner selection is looks and morals.

What about all the divorces and broken marriages?

Listen to my advice – today is the start of a new way to see the world. Maybe you yourself have gone through the breakup of a marriage, but that was before you heard my advice. Your spouse is your destiny, but you have a choice.

The girl to marry

Here it is: Only consider a super cordial lady who is humble, not materialistic, younger than you, will not have a hyphenated name or keep their old name, does not care about career (preferable poor), will cook and clean without question, wants to have children, does not go out with friend or not that often, believes in the Bible. Basically you want to marry a girl who is like a leggy Russian model from Moscow, yet has the ideals of an Amish girl from Pennsylvania Dutch country.

Got it?

Sound oppressive for the female? On the contrary, most women want to jettison the artificial constructs weaved in their brain by modern materialistic society. They want to have a family and give their children the magical childhood experience they had growing up, with Mom at home and Dad loving Mom.

Vision of a happy family

  • The white picket fence and the family trips to the Zoo, silly Ketchup fights in the in kitchen and picnics in the back yard where the paper plates and napkins blow away.
  • Girl with a vintage 1940s hairstyle, a black and white polka dot dress and a light pastel tennis sweater.

I would not trade this for anything in the world, trust me.

What if there was a messed up childhood. The greatest way you can honor your parents is not replicate their mistakes.

My message is just because society is telling you up is down and down is up, you do not have to live it. Live a fairy-tale romance, I do and anything else in this world pales in comparison.

  • Follow the two rules for finding the right lady friend or fiancé.

Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

11 thoughts on “Why people choose the wrong wife or husband”

  1. I have been up in the graveyard looking for a woman who is gentle, kind, a good home maker, is not into clothes and materialism. No success at this time, but I will keep digging.

    1. Good brides do they exists?

      Absolutely. I married a supercordial leggy girl from the Polish countryside who has a Master’ degree, medical school and yet, all she wants is to be a humble servant of God, like I do.

      Do not marry a morally weak person. Marry someone who has the love of God in their heart and believes that marriage is forever with no exceptions. I do not like morally weak people. We all make mistakes and no one is perfect, but this time get it right. Put all the bad relationship experiences behind you and listen to my advice.

      Marriage is a lifelong commitment and I do not even believe adultery is grounds for divorce. I believe you stick it out even if you are miserable. Yet on the other hand, if you have found a cordial, physically attractive girl who does not hassle you, maybe a little younger and is deeply moral and idealistic and would never leave you, then go for it.

      So to you, I do not understand the nature of your comment I know it was sarcasm but are you saying that women can not be found of high quality? I disagree. Are you saying that girls of a different century are where the honorable women are? Please explain.

  2. I like the two areas of consideration you list. Looks and morals.
    Men are interested in looks, because intimacy requires a certain level of excitement and stimulation. Without that, nothing happens. But with it, both partners keep each other happy.
    Looks can be complicated. Everyone has their own ideal Something I noticed, which I have never seen discussed is how a man will stay with a partner as she ages and swells up like a parade balloon, but if they split up, will only choose a better looking new partner.
    This is a love characteristic in men. As they see it, their wife gave them their best years, and her loss of beauty can be at least partly blamed on him, for bearing and raising his children. So, he stays by her side, although I assume friendship ends between them. But, if they split, he is not going to choose anyone like her, and will find a wife who is attractive, if he can. Thus, the “Trophy Wife”
    Ever notice how ugly, bitter women always ascribe the worst motives to everything men do? Yet there is vast evidence before the eyes of everyone of guys standing by a woofer of a wife who would have placed last at the dog show.
    The competition for an attractive older woman is fierce, and all a woman has to do is age with a little grace. Ha! How many of those do you know?
    And even these women have not figured it out. They still pursue the same men with the same low qualities, thinking they deserve “better” as in better looking, because they are better looking. Never realizing their childish, shallow system of valuing others, and even themselves, based purely on looks, is the problem. Use your brain, not your hormones…..but they never, ever learn. Its amazing.
    Then, the vast majority, resembling a herd of cows in high heels, angry and bitter, accuse men of choosing on looks. Funny, its only bad when men do it.
    It is men like us who have the right of it. We could take the selfish, self-centered route, give up on dating, marriage and children completely, to concentrate on indulging ourselves, and get our friendshipual release from educated princesss. Reduce it to a mercantile transaction, where the woman is a rented depository.
    But it is us, yes, you and I and the other members here, who are keeping the flame alive. Instead of giving in to cynicism, taking the easy road, we choose an alternative, and much harder way. Then we pursue it until we succeed, against all the attacks, denigration and hate driven laws.
    For Love.
    Yeah, Love with the capital L. Fairy tales, Princesses.
    And when you find your love, you marry, you stay happy, you raise cute, happy children. You build websites to proclaim your happiness, and give advice to other men on how to follow the path you took to happiness. And the men come, they too begin to find happiness themselves.
    And the angry materialistics come, see all this happiness, and they shiek, foam at the mouth, accuse you of every low act and motive, because they are enraged that you dare to be happy. After all their work to force you into misery, You dare be happy and they are not.
    They are victims of their own hatred, and can only stand it as long as they can console themselves with your unhappiness. Then you have the nerve to escape and be happy?
    That’s why so many harpies come on here, dredge up decades old, out of the ordinary cases where men abused foreign women, to justify their hatred of you, when its really because, you escaped, and you are happy, and you are helping others escape too.
    How does it feel to be a modern day hero?

  3. It is women who pick the men, got it. They only allow you to think you caught them.

    Women will look for three things money, property and looks. If they cant get a good looking bloke with money and property, they will settle for money and property. They can always find a good looking stud to have fun with. There are millions of men rearing other men’s offspring. They are afraid to to ask for a DNA test for their children.

    Every child should be mandatory DNA tested in the Maternity Hospital. If you take that child out of the hospital, You are claiming responsibility for it.

    I knew of a lesbian nurse, who caught a doctor to mount her & give her one, knowing she was in her fertile time & conceived. He is now paying maintenance until that child is 21. She has cover for her Lesbianism, because she is still in the closet.

    Pornography is hated by most women. Why? Because it shows men what women are capable of and that they are the only female species that will take it, all at the same time. It also shows how women have fun with their with dogs.

    In the Talmud we learn that women were never allowed to have dogs in the house.

    Maybe just have a lovers is the way to go. That way you wont get bored you can send some of them out to work, while you keep the others happy.

    1. You are way off. Humans are complex and societies in the world are also. Your generalizations are based on some jaded US or Western European experience of girls. Women even in the USA do not think like that. I know many girls that just want a nice guy. What about intellect, it is more important than looks in the survival of the human race. What about charity and compassion, these are more important in the human race than money and looks and property.

      Sound crazy? Think again latest DNA research into mating and species survival believes our DNA has a wisdom beyond the reptilian cliches. That is if the human race is to survive our genes are choosing partners that have compassion and are thinking of the whole.

      It is called evolution and it is bigger than you or me.

      A crude example is a lady will choose a Greenpeace guy that looks like he crawled out from a rock over some macho jerk. If the world was full of the people you describe for reproduction then we would destroy ourselves. Geeks, activists, Mr. Moms, creative people get more reproductive selection than some guy with a lot of money. I have been very poor and skinny, to the extreme on both and I go a lot more girls to date than any of my rich ‘good looking’ friends.

      If your experience is different then you have to reexamine your game and pride.

      Also I had to take five minutes to clean up your comment it will be deleted if proper grammar is not used or you use caps and exclamation marks, it looks chat like.

    2. Larry,
      I find myself practically cheering you on, in my cynicism. I think your thinking is almost universal among men here. I sometimes used to say, “Women only want 3 things in a man. Looks, money and a big crank. Then she will cheat on the first two to get the third.
      Its terribly cynical, and I know it, but its also true, for the majority of women here. Feminism has so poisoned the well that few men are willing to invest as much it takes, personally, financially, and time-wise, in an American woman, knowing the percentages are so badly stacked against success. “Smart” guys simply use them for physical gratification, until they get too shrill and demanding, or lose enough looks, then they walk.
      I put smart in parentheses, because I believe smart in this case, means cynical.
      I have as much reason, or more, as any man alive, to be cynical, but try constantly not to give in and let it inform my decisions or actions, nor how I live out my beliefs.
      The problem with cynicism is, its usually true.
      But, what is a life lived defensively, selfishly, cynically? What is life lived without Love, Trust, Forgiveness? Merely existence, survival.
      I want a life of beauty and nobility, based on factors that raise us up, enhance our lives, ennoble our existence.
      I think, if you break it down, that’s why most of the men are here. They do not want to give in to their cynicism, live an ugly life, of using others, protecting themselves.
      So, rather than give up, admit defeat, and take the easy road, they seek alternatives, which in this case means, foreign wives.
      Angry, bitter harpies come on and call us “losers’ and ascribe every low, nasty motive to us, but the truth is dead opposite to that, and they know this.
      That’s what explains their hatred. They cannot stand the thought of your happiness, gained by rejecting everything they hold dear, and which is killing their souls.
      Reject cynicism, keep dreaming of better things, find a way to make it happen. Never give up, never give in, never surrender.

  4. I freely admit, looks are important to a man in marriage. The problem, and this sounds hypocritical, is that women now follow the same formula, and it doesn’t work. Its like two knives, no fork.
    Men choose lookers because they have a drive, and need stimulation and excitement to reproduce. Women need stability and security to ensure continued survival.
    Until modern times, character, conscience, responsibility, security, were all important to women, because these things kept men from walking away and leaving them with a baby.
    Now, women choose like men, go thru endless numbers of empty relationships, and wonder why they cant find a good guy?
    Because they choose stupidly.
    They never learn either.
    When they find a website full of romantic, idealistic men, who value love, marriage and children so much they take extraordinary measures to find it, they write and call us “losers”
    This is stupidity unmatched in history.
    Thank Heaven for alternatives to American women.

    1. Well I married someone from Eastern Europe and do not have to worry about such stuff personally.

      However, I would say with a glimmer of hope the new generation of American girls are a little different, maybe I am wrong and please correct me if I am, but the ladys who are 18 to 28 today have a different world view. They are not as out of control as the materialistic fuels hysteria that reigned for the slightly older crop of women.

      Look I have a lot of neighbors in my condo complex in Florida where I live now that are train wrecks. They are women who played and may have even been married and now out of control in terms of addictions and financially in ruin. They are still trying to play their looks, but it does not work as there are always younger more beautiful girls, who are nicer by the way.

      A strategy for guys looking for a homegrown girl is go for Christians and those who have character. I believe there are many out there. However, I did take a short cut and just married a girl from Poland and have no regrets. I did not even plan it, I was on a trip there as my family is from Poland and boom I fell in love out of no where. I thought I would be a confirmed bachelor, eating Chinese food with my childhood friend George, watching cops on TV, playing paintball, stashing money away for who knows what. Instead my world was turned upside down, in a good way.

      1. Mark,
        I see some differences in our experiences.
        First, although I have experience with Asian ladies, primarily Philippines, but also a bit in China, Japan and Hong Kong, I have basically, no background in the ladies you know. No family, no travels, no language skills, or even dating experiences.
        I looked into Russian/Ukraine ladies based on what I read here, joined some websites. I swear, 99% of the interest I get is scammers. Spectacular young babes, way taller than I, averaging about 22 in age. They write of their great love, desire and admiration for me, a stranger.
        Yeah, right.
        Given the seemingly high potential for being play chess withed, and my near total ignorance, I pretty much ignore this group.
        You speak of the coming generation as having a new attitude. Hmmm, I don’t know your age, but I was 58 last month. I believe that many men seeking foreign wives are older, because they did not seek an alternative until educated by bitter experience. So I feel I am a typical age.
        It is well known that Asian ladies are open-minded about age, but I think it is a mistake to deliberately seek a young, spectacular babe, just because you can. Their being open-minded on the issue opens previously closed windows, and gives you more choices, but the search should still be for love, not young tail.
        And, although Asian ladies might be open-minded regarding age, Western ladies are not, and will react with either amusement at your patheticness, or anger that you dare to consider yourself good enough for her.
        I don’t need that.
        I also would contest your point about women now considering nice guys first. They all say it in their profile, but it is a rare one indeed who is actually like that. They still define “Better” as better looking, and everything, every decision starts there. Its almost universal, from 18 years olds to SocSec recipients. They absolutely do not learn wisdom with age. If you do not fit the physical template, you are rejected like cordial plasma from the sun.

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