How to stay positive when single

be positive when single

That’s the hardest thing of all,never to become cynical, never to lose faith, never to become indifferent.

– Sergei Lukyanenko, Сумеречный Дозор

When a bee is removed from the colony it can not survive. Similarly when humans do not have a critical level of social and physical interaction, life does not go as well. So the question is, how do you stay positive when you are single?

Lewis Thomas in his book Lives of a Cell – Notes from a Biology Watcher notes this phenomenon in all life forms, even cells. There is an interdependence that reaches beyond the functional. You do not have to be life of the party but you need some interaction to keep you normal. It could even be online interaction.

In some species, the members are so tied to each other and interdependent as to seem the loosely conjoined cells of a tissue.  In other species, less compulsively social, the members make their homes together, pool resources, travel in packs or schools, and share the food, but any single one can survive solitary, detached from the rest.

– Lewis Thomas

We are not bees but the metaphor is clear. There is a component to our life that is not strictly functional and one dimensional, even if we can survive as a solitary detached organism. Man is a social animal. To stay positive be aware of the people you are interacting with. This painful admission is from someone who is an introvert.

When I lived aboard I was lucky to meet people I connected with, and I did not mind spending time with. Often you meet people that are nice, but to spend time with them is a different idea. However, I went through long periods of aloneness. I was thinking, ‘what am I doing here’.  This makes no sense.

Talk it out or else you will obsess about all things great and small.

So what is the answer to negative people and social interaction? It depends on the who you are interacting with. Some people, even me, are complainers, but I am not on the darkside. However, some people just have the aura of malintent around them. It depends on their core nature, are they good or bad.  Good people with depression and negativity do not affect me. Bad people with a false smile do.

If you attach to cynical or negative people, you will absorb their energy.  In contreast, if you attach to positive people you will like two companion plants in a garden, symbiotically help each other, just by being you. Two plants next to each other have benefits a mono-crop does not. Mono crop farmers end up with diseased plants and they have to apply chemicals to compensate. And so it is with humans.

Fake happy is so exhausting

When I say positive and happy, I do not mean fake happy like you might see on Youtubers who are flexing. I mean trying to generally, be upbeat  in my approach to life.  Even if  a small percentage of time I feel better than neutral bouency or a smile, at least I have a good heart.

You want to develop your own internal dialogues and filters for the positive and try not to be influenced by negative energies. This is a form of behavioral therapy in a sense.

The habit of positive thinking plus airing our your fears with a friend

Therefore, how to stay positive when you are single has more to do with the non-relationship, relationships than the having a mate right now. You might spend 1 minute a month with that person, but that person is there for you.  It has more to do with the energy of the relationship and cultivating normal positive filters in your brain.

With this person you can be honest and air out your fears and issues. This is normal. We all do this. I do this with my wife all the time and my wife with me. Once you let it air out, often you just feel better.

You also need to realize no matter how bad it seems, there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes you just have to wait until the answer reveals itself.

I do not believe in the no win scenario.

– Capitan James T. Kirk of the star ship Enterprise.


It does not mean read every self help book out there or get hooked on the dopamine rush of the online marketers flexing and presenting a false sense of happiness. It means cultivating an attitude  like a garden, and remove the weeds. Your body, including your brain is an organism like every other life organism, it grows and progresses gradually. Just make sure what you are cultivating is not dark side energy.

People’s energy will attach to you. It does not matter if you believe it or not.

Dark side attachments from social interactions

Without getting metaphysical there is something to Karma and people’s energies. Do not let these attachments cling to you and start to feed on you. Ask God to free you, or whatever you do if you are a non-believer, burn incense or just be aware.

What about the physical body?

Easy solution. Get a therapeutic massages on a regular basis. I am not talking anything dirty here, but your body as a person needs contact. If you do not have the money join a yoga studio, it almost does the same. Therapeutic massages can be as good as physical relationships in terms of health of the body. Maybe an Epsom salt bath can help too. I usually get a card at a place like massage envy or a groupon special.  Walking in nature in the woods can help also. Ultimately I think the touching of the skin serves a purpose in itself to make you happy and normal.

Yoga in a class (not alone) stimulates the body like ‘relations’. It can help singles transmute energy.


What if the weight of life is heavy?

What if your life circumstances are getting you down with money and job in addition to being single with no one to communicate with. I could write more on this as I often stress about this myself. However, my only reply is this, without getting on my pulpit with a homily.

There’s the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

– Mary Poppins

Youtube as a solution for depression

A temporary fix you can help cultivate the garden of your brain, by watching  select Youtubers. This you can do in your cave. Find a few channels you like that do not overstimulate you. I have one classical or soothing music channel, some people like brainwave channels. I have one religious channel I follow, its pretty good. Brain Holdsworth for example is a calm rational and somewhat upbeat voice on the web. But that is me, and this will only appeal to a few of you. My point is find something similar that fits you. Some high quality content creator that is authentic and honest.

Online friends work in the modern world. That is what Skype is for.

What is the answer?

I know you want some definitive trick to be positive. But life is complex and multi-layered. My solutions and answer to the question, how to stay positive when single is nothing more than learning to cultivate a reasonable positive attitude. Do this by interacting with upbeat people and using some of that good energy to fuel your positive thinking.  Also reading positive books or listening to peaceful (not pump you up) things help.

  • Understand that no man is an island so it is a two fold process, you habits and your interactions.

How does that get me out of single to into a relationship?

If you can do the above, you will attract a better caliber of girl. Girls are by their nature, yin, dark, moody mysterious and are attracted. Contrary to mainstream belief, women are not necessarily attracted to the summum bonum of pop culture psychology: “self confidence”. Rather, women are attracted more to simply a sunny disposition and authenticity.

Therefore, without going through years of psyccordialherapy and dwelling your parents mistakes, trying to puff your chest out with self-confidence like a roaster, better is to  focus on the positive and be real coupled with a light and breezy attitude, until it becomes a mental habit. When you meet the girl of your dreams, and all the drama she will send you, you will be on better footing to keep your wits about you. That is it.


Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

2 thoughts on “How to stay positive when single”

  1. Even after doing all this, the girl ‘of dreams’ will send all the drama your way? Women need zero amount of self-development and even a yolo or twisted character gets them accepted into mainstream society just fine. This is why they’re not worth it for the most part.

    1. What are you saying? Are you saying it is not worth to be in a relationship? My goodness are the alternative is men and women age and become weird, alone and often bitter and do not know all the fun they are missing.

      By their nature, women are more dramatic for various reasons, hormones, nature, their role as future mothers, however, the key is to find your girl. If you find the one for you, and there are scores of good ones that is all that matters. In Western culture, the way women work on themselves are not to develop a sense of humility, but rather self confidence which to some extent is pride.

      You will find that women who were raised in a different culture do not mix the idea of self-confidence with pride as much and the drama is often less than men. Further, men have to be strong enough to weather a few storms.

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