People ask me how much time do I spend with my wife? Answer: 24/7 – 365. We work together and spend all our free time together. I know right! OK, sometimes I am working in the office and she is cooking or I am in the garden and she is sewing, but that is pretty much it.
How did I become such a er?
I used to travel the world and was an international man of mystery. What changed?
I did not change fundamentally. I was always a hopeless romantic. I just never met the right one. Perhaps I was jaded or bitter about the world I was born into. I felt life was unfair to me. from a broader perspective, I felt that society was on the decline and I should have been born in a different time.
Further, I felt that life in corporate America was exceedingly boring. Yes, I did it. I worked on Wall Street and I made some money, consulting, almost as much as I could spend, mind you.
However, it was not a vain, shallow existence as portrayed in movies, it was just boring. I did not pursue that line long enough to be corpulent and filled with ennui. I checked out and traveled/lived abroad on a shoe string.
Call me lazy, and maybe that is my problem, but I just cannot do it. Working in corporate America was analogous to living on ants as a food source. Even if they were chocolate covered ants it would not go down well.
Many of you might feel this way.
Dating was worst than work
Perhaps so many people in the West are obsessed with the ‘unit of account’ called money, because the pursuit of their ultimate mate is even more saddening. You keep going on dates trying to see if this one fits or is right for you, until the patterns get old and worn out. You might through your hands up and ask, ‘what is the point?’.
After some rude awakenings in the dating scene, which is par for the course in our post modern world, I rebelled against almost all that was holy. I acted out my disgust for the society, for this life and world, this cosmic joke that I was thrown into with rebellion and a feeling if people just use others, ‘what is the point’.
I felt women did not live up to my ridiculously high ideals (which after I met my wife, I realized I was aiming too low).
The Holden Coldfield experience
Was it that bad? Yes, if you are living this life of loneliness and feel alone all the time and then the darkness of winter set in, you become mildly depressed. Couple that with existential doubt and you have the classic 20 something Holden Coldfield experience.
I know today, you all can just go to phone dating apps and find some ego boasts. And society is a different perhaps, but it is not. At the end of the day, you are alone in the world and perhaps fewer women of quality are out there.
Consequences of not getting married
If you do not get married you will die alone and your seed will be wiped from the face of this earth. The end.
No great ‘I fulfilled myself though my career or my pets are my family’, rather, you might have some regrets. Read my lips, get married, if and only if you find the right one.
Most of the time, I felt like the fictional character Louis in the book Interview with a Vampire, existing half dead and half alive.
Most of all I longed for death. I know that now. I invited it. A release from the pain of living. My invitation was open to anyone. To the ‘hor’ at my side, to the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted.Anne Rice
My only saving grace was at my core, I believed that in this life there is no meaning in this life, rather only one ultimate meaning to life. Yes, you can find meaning in work or that door nob over there. But unless you see how meaningless this life is and be honest about that, you are deluding yourself.
Ultimate meaning is found in God, and this translates on this earth to loving someone and having a family. When you do this your world will change.
My point being, find your spouse.
- You can watch movies on your phone in your tiny home or apartment, but doing this with a cordial lady is more fun.
- You can be broke, depressed and neurotic, but doing this with a cordial lady is more fun.
- You can travel the world and be vegans, but doing this with a cordial lady is, you got it… just more fun.
So what happened next?
I continued on the path through the dark forest. I stripped away any romantic idealism with the radical corrosive skepticism and nihilism of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche. I even felt superior deep down that I was doing this and not like ‘those unenlightened people’.
When you strip away any illusion or fairy-tales, and in the end, realize that humanistic meaning is not fulfilling. You start to look for meaning in the void. This approach is anti-humanistic in the sense to shave off the illusion that the distractions matter. It is contrary to NPR and the New York Times view of things. Nothing matters except finding and uncovering the ultimate meaning in this Uni-verse.
Like in the book One-Dimensional Man by Herbert Marcuse, or like Sartre wrote in No Exit, there really is no exit and no transcendence in this transitory life except the ultimate meaning.
If you want to disagree with me, go ahead, roar like a lion. You could be like Sisyphus and push that rock up the hill to spite it all. If you do hats off to you.
However, better might be to try not find meaning in life, or ascribe some meaning to something, but rather search for the the ultimate meaning of life. A good book is by Hans Kung The Beginning of All Things. What if you do not see it? OK you do not, I understand. No worries.
No mediation – meditation on reality and the meaning of all things
However, maybe if you turn off your phone and computer and stop meditating and doing yoga and going to church, reading and listening to podcasts, and worrying, and just sit in the quiet of a room in your apartment and look around and watch the dust float by and the beam of light through the window. Do this and look at the walls and perhaps you can penetrate this reality. Try to really think about your existence and the composition of material and textures. Do not look for insight or a breakthrough or an ‘aha’ moment. You will most likely not get one. However, do it anyway perhaps you will taste some transcendence.
How meaning and marriage are connected
OK, so how did I get to the point of being with my wife 24/7 – 365?
I did not consciously reform my ways, or get that ‘Aha’ enlightenment moment.
Rather, I met my wife and she brought me back to my core nature. Not my culturally conditioned core nature, but the core nature of all conscious beings. She reminded in faith in God and an ultimate meaning was not only possible but probable. She saved me from myself.
Ironically I did the same for her.
We were metaphorically like in Aesop’s fables, the mouse who took the thorn out of the lion’s paw for each other.
My core ideas were romantic, naturalistic and rebellious combined with authentic religion.
She reminded me it was OK not to succeed in the matrix because you were never about that anyway. And it is very OK to want to date the girl that looks like she is from your adolescent dreams, and better yet marry her.
My advice to you is, birds of a feather flock together. Do not marry just anyone. You do not see seagulls and eagles hanging out. But you do see flocks of birds spending their life together. You do see deer traveling in packs. Find that person who you do not mind 24/7 365 dating. You can do it. Its should start with insane with physical attraction, which I recommend, but ultimately is only connected to radically common core spiritual values.
When you find that type of connection, you will not be looking to to find ‘space’ in the day away from her. You will not be looking forward to a girls’ night out or guys’ night out. I look instead to playing the board game ‘Ticket to Ride’ or chess together or going to the mineral springs, the beach, talking philosophy or our next adventure. We have been together for a number of years. I know other couples like this also. I think it is mostly connected to some sort of strange mix of physical attraction and religion.
When you find the person who saves you from yourself, why would you not want to bath in that saving grace all day and night? That is why my wife and I spend 24/7 365 together.