People ask me how much time do I spend with my wife? Answer: 24/7 – 365. We work together and spend all our free time together. I know right! OK, sometimes I am working in the office and she is cooking or I am in the garden and she is sewing, but that is pretty much it.
How did I become such a er?
I used to travel the world and was an international man of mystery. What changed?
I did not change fundamentally. I was always a hopeless romantic. I just never met the right one. Perhaps I was jaded or bitter about the world I was born into. I felt life was unfair to me. from a broader perspective, I felt that society was on the decline and I should have been born in a different time.
Further, I felt that life in corporate America was exceedingly boring. Yes, I did it. I worked on Wall Street and I made some money, consulting, almost as much as I could spend, mind you.
However, it was not a vain, shallow existence as portrayed in movies, it was just boring. I did not pursue that line long enough to be corpulent and filled with ennui. I checked out and traveled/lived abroad on a shoe string.
Call me lazy, and maybe that is my problem, but I just cannot do it. Working in corporate America was analogous to living on ants as a food source. Even if they were chocolate covered ants it would not go down well.
Many of you might feel this way.
Dating was worst than work
Perhaps so many people in the West are obsessed with the ‘unit of account’ called money, because the pursuit of their ultimate mate is even more saddening. You keep going on dates trying to see if this one fits or is right for you, until the patterns get old and worn out. You might through your hands up and ask, ‘what is the point?’.
After some rude awakenings in the dating scene, which is par for the course in our post modern world, I rebelled against almost all that was holy. I acted out my disgust for the society, for this life and world, this cosmic joke that I was thrown into with rebellion and a feeling if people just use others, ‘what is the point’.
I felt women did not live up to my ridiculously high ideals (which after I met my wife, I realized I was aiming too low).
The Holden Coldfield experience
Was it that bad? Yes, if you are living this life of loneliness and feel alone all the time and then the darkness of winter set in, you become mildly depressed. Couple that with existential doubt and you have the classic 20 something Holden Coldfield experience.
I know today, you all can just go to phone dating apps and find some ego boasts. And society is a different perhaps, but it is not. At the end of the day, you are alone in the world and perhaps fewer women of quality are out there.
Consequences of not getting married
If you do not get married you will die alone and your seed will be wiped from the face of this earth. The end.
No great ‘I fulfilled myself though my career or my pets are my family’, rather, you might have some regrets. Read my lips, get married, if and only if you find the right one.
Most of the time, I felt like the fictional character Louis in the book Interview with a Vampire, existing half dead and half alive.
Most of all I longed for death. I know that now. I invited it. A release from the pain of living. My invitation was open to anyone. To the ‘hor’ at my side, to the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted.Anne Rice
My only saving grace was at my core, I believed that in this life there is no meaning in this life, rather only one ultimate meaning to life. Yes, you can find meaning in work or that door nob over there. But unless you see how meaningless this life is and be honest about that, you are deluding yourself.
Ultimate meaning is found in God, and this translates on this earth to loving someone and having a family. When you do this your world will change.
My point being, find your spouse.
- You can watch movies on your phone in your tiny home or apartment, but doing this with a cordial lady is more fun.
- You can be broke, depressed and neurotic, but doing this with a cordial lady is more fun.
- You can travel the world and be vegans, but doing this with a cordial lady is, you got it… just more fun.
So what happened next?
I continued on the path through the dark forest. I stripped away any romantic idealism with the radical corrosive skepticism and nihilism of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche. I even felt superior deep down that I was doing this and not like ‘those unenlightened people’.
When you strip away any illusion or fairy-tales, and in the end, realize that humanistic meaning is not fulfilling. You start to look for meaning in the void. This approach is anti-humanistic in the sense to shave off the illusion that the distractions matter. It is contrary to NPR and the New York Times view of things. Nothing matters except finding and uncovering the ultimate meaning in this Uni-verse.
Like in the book One-Dimensional Man by Herbert Marcuse, or like Sartre wrote in No Exit, there really is no exit and no transcendence in this transitory life except the ultimate meaning.
If you want to disagree with me, go ahead, roar like a lion. You could be like Sisyphus and push that rock up the hill to spite it all. If you do hats off to you.
However, better might be to try not find meaning in life, or ascribe some meaning to something, but rather search for the the ultimate meaning of life. A good book is by Hans Kung The Beginning of All Things. What if you do not see it? OK you do not, I understand. No worries.
No mediation – meditation on reality and the meaning of all things
However, maybe if you turn off your phone and computer and stop meditating and doing yoga and going to church, reading and listening to podcasts, and worrying, and just sit in the quiet of a room in your apartment and look around and watch the dust float by and the beam of light through the window. Do this and look at the walls and perhaps you can penetrate this reality. Try to really think about your existence and the composition of material and textures. Do not look for insight or a breakthrough or an ‘aha’ moment. You will most likely not get one. However, do it anyway perhaps you will taste some transcendence.
How meaning and marriage are connected
OK, so how did I get to the point of being with my wife 24/7 – 365?
I did not consciously reform my ways, or get that ‘Aha’ enlightenment moment.
Rather, I met my wife and she brought me back to my core nature. Not my culturally conditioned core nature, but the core nature of all conscious beings. She reminded in faith in God and an ultimate meaning was not only possible but probable. She saved me from myself.
Ironically I did the same for her.
We were metaphorically like in Aesop’s fables, the mouse who took the thorn out of the lion’s paw for each other.
My core ideas were romantic, naturalistic and rebellious combined with authentic religion.
She reminded me it was OK not to succeed in the matrix because you were never about that anyway. And it is very OK to want to date the girl that looks like she is from your adolescent dreams, and better yet marry her.
My advice to you is, birds of a feather flock together. Do not marry just anyone. You do not see seagulls and eagles hanging out. But you do see flocks of birds spending their life together. You do see deer traveling in packs. Find that person who you do not mind 24/7 365 dating. You can do it. Its should start with insane with physical attraction, which I recommend, but ultimately is only connected to radically common core spiritual values.
When you find that type of connection, you will not be looking to to find ‘space’ in the day away from her. You will not be looking forward to a girls’ night out or guys’ night out. I look instead to playing the board game ‘Ticket to Ride’ or chess together or going to the mineral springs, the beach, talking philosophy or our next adventure. We have been together for a number of years. I know other couples like this also. I think it is mostly connected to some sort of strange mix of physical attraction and religion.
When you find the person who saves you from yourself, why would you not want to bath in that saving grace all day and night? That is why my wife and I spend 24/7 365 together.
4 thoughts on “How much time do I spend with my wife?”
There are a few ways to approach the ultimate, but “this translates on this earth to loving someone and having a family”, is only one, and even then is the means, not the mission. If you’re saying it’s the only one, that’s some next level bull. And it’s probably the riskiest one, considering the various types of play chess withed up mentality of majority of the women around the globe, and don’t even get me started about several laws in too many countries which basically yell and say that a man is a second class citizen. Also there is nothing spiritual about doing something exclusively for the spouse and the kids you bore her, compared to the stuff you’d do for others in society for example. There’s nothing spiritual about leaving behind several assets, the fruit of your life’s work, for her and her kids when you die. It’s extremely partial behavior to say the least. Nothing spiritual about physical attraction either. It’s just wilful bull.
I’m not saying a guy can’t find someone decent to marry. It’s definitely possible, if you live like the woman who you’re looking for, and don’t entertain someone else. But please stop equating it with any kind of spiritual development, because it isn’t. It can only show you the way at most, that is, if you decide to take this path towards the ultimate, but if you become really spiritual and act so, take out the worldly acts from it, your spouse will want to run away from you, and they will in many ways. Too many examples of several great men throughout history. Until you continue to delude yourself, everything will be just fine. Every man needs to hear this: marriage is not about spirituality.
Lastly, I agree birds of a feather flock together. So, only be around people that you can respect in some way, if you decide to hang out for the moment, that is. Funny that you’d mention the eagle’s example. The eagle flies high, the eagle flies Alone, Mark. That’s why it’s at the Apex of the chain.
Thank you for the comment, even if I disagree with your comment others might find it useful. Nothing personal.
Very simply. My parents were together over 70 years. It was based on religion and family at the center. My brother over 40. It was based on family and religion. My other brother and myself the same. I have friends that are other examples. These are specific examples of people that have happy marriages. Or you can take a look at communities like the Amish and compare it to non-believers in Western Europe for example, like Belgian where it is like a 70% divorce rate or something crazy like that, I have to confirm that statistic.
Are you personally happily married for many years? It is an honest question.
I use the word spiritual, but I really mean religious. People weekly going to an organized service and daily saying prayers.
If you think you can do marriage with a humanistic foundation, go for it. I have seen too many people get hurt. I am not saying this because I want you do convert or anything. I write many times I am not my brothers keeper. I do not care. I have my own life and problems. However, at some level I do care. And if I can show people that, a God and family is a good combination for happiness and just marriage with maybe family is a different experience, maybe not even a bad experience, just different, then go for it. I do not recommend the latter based on anecdotal evidence. But if you tell me your someone you know where together many years based on humanism, like common shared interests on Netflix or similar interest in restaurants, that is good, as it is possible. I just do not recommend it here.
If you do not get married and have a family, you could take an alternative route. Serve others like monks or sisters on mission work like Mother Theresa of Calcutta. You can devote your life in service to the human family.
However, metaphorically God paid a heavy sum to incarnate your spirit here. If you are going to bury the talents given to you in a hole and wait for the masters return, in the final consummation, when all is seen, you will judge yourself and it might not be a good feeling.
Better is to see this life as a service to the children and family of God. That can mean your own family which brings great happiness or the human family in the humble service of others, with selfless vows.
However to just be cool and date and have some relationships I do not recommend for your personal happiness. My friends that did this are universally unhappy.
Physical attraction is one of God’s gifts. It is a message. People confuse things, somehow that religion excludes being human. Religion, with all its hypocrisy and the hypocrisy of its members (I go to church because I am a hypocrite), does not exudes being human or being a scientist, rather it is a completion of a whole person. Like the triple sense Hegelian word, aufhaben.
So you do what you want. I recommend people go for someone smoking cordial, just make sure she ‘walking the walk’ or you might wake up alone one morning after many years. I prefer fairy-tales with happy endings.
Thanks for replying. And mentioning that you’re religious, and not overtly spiritual. In some ways, you are spiritual. Religion should essentially sublimate into spirituality, else it’s useless. It’s just how evolved one’s soul is yet to comprehend the what’s what in the world. Everyone is on a different rung on the ladder. People who are close by tend to be cool with each other and agree on a lot in general. A ‘hive mind’. One runs the extremely high risk of conveniently duping oneself and yet being clueless about it.
Only when you get to the top of the mountain, can you have a proper view and comprehend the near past you were experiencing on the way. Until then, it’s just a vicious cycle of apparition, imagination and expectation. I come across a broad spectrum of people, some extremely inspiring, and a lot of quintessential yolos, who firmly believe their life is worthy of envy by others.
I stumbled across your blog a few years ago, and have gone through every major article since. I was one of the ideal ‘fits’ you’d want from a reader of your blog, in real life. In all ways you have stated numerous times. By the grace of God, I’ve grown so much spiritually since, i wouldn’t recognize myself 5 years ago. You’re a genuine guy with the help and i appreciate that.You have been fortunate enough to belong to a family where deep rooted relationships are the norm. I am as well. Now I’m over 25, unmarried, and do not date.
Thanks for reading the blog and commenting! I did not really date before 25 because 1) I had a mess in my head 2) I had a mess in my head 3) I focused on work and school.
I do not know if my advice is universally applicable, but I think I have some wisdom with age and experience. My paradigm might not work for making money (ironically I am an economist professor) or for being the coolest surfer hedonist out there (I live in a beach town, but it does work if you want to find true love.
I am young but as the numbers work, I had 4 grandparents born in the 1800s in Europe. I have a broad of perspective many modern sophists do not.
About being 25, the good news is, you are at a turning point. Women start to lose their power and men gain in terms of mate selection. You know this.
In the Netflix series Kimmy Schmidt an aging gold digger tells the 20 something Kimmy ‘you only have a few more years left of that healthy glow, you may have to settle for a general practitioner’.
The point being, grow in wisdom before you get married. As you do the quality of girls will improve. Do not go for girls that want love+money or love+career or who want to assert themselves. Rather go for someone who has these same existentialist questions you have and finds this resolution in a humble submission to God manifest in act, word and deed.
For me my wife and I go to church together weekly and pray daily. These are building a foundation that does not get washed away into the post modern nonsense.