The purpose of this post is point out why single girls who want kids, but not marriage, should reconsider their lives. My friend Gary was raised in a single parent home as was my friend Janet. They both said it is one of the most selfish things a parent can do is raise a child without two parents.
Children are not pets
I hear many single girls say “I do not need to get married, I can just have kids”. This is the hallmark of a self-absorbed person. A child is not a pet. It is not to fill the void in your life. Children are not toys nor are they something that is to planned like a life passage, school, university, career and buying a condo.
Cat women do not need partners either
These girls see a child as an emotional substitute for putting in the work required to find a quality man. Well I put these girls right up there with spinster cat women, who waited too long past their prime to find a guy (a trend in post modern western countries by the way). These women grow old alone, until special police units have to come into their cat infested apartments to rescue these animals. When I lived in Boston I saw this on the news from time to time.
I do not need to get married
Singles that says ‘I do not need to get married’, need to reflect and see their life for what it is. If you do not want humble yourself to find a man and be his wife, it will be a hard road for you in life as a parent.
Real life single girl parent disaster
I know scores of single mothers, each is a tragedy in their own way and the girls are victims, real or more often self-proclaimed. My neighbour Ania is one. She has a hard sad life. I hope she is not reading this blog. I see her struggle day-to-day. I see her son suffer as his father is off with another girl having a child down the street. She is a professional makes good money but is lonely and overwhelmed.
Her son is feminine. He is being raised by only girls (sister, mother,nanny). Who is going to teach this boy to become a man? Is he going to repeat the mistake of his father? I mean this in the noblest sense of the word. That means a man of honor to take care of a wife and family.
For example, when I took the trash out in my building the other day and saw him in the stairwell, I was in a tank top and one week unshaven face, I asked him how he was doing, if he was going to play soccer this year. He looked scared of me. It is not that look macho at all, it is just that he does not have day-to-day interaction with a person of his own gender. The girls arround him coddle him like a pet. How will this boy grow up to compete in the world of men?
What it takes to fall in love
Love takes humility. It takes subservience. I am a man I must everyday humble myself to my wife, as she does to me. This is love, surrendering yourself to another. If your ego is too large that you can not do this you should not be a parent. Why? I am a parent and it is nothing more than doing God’s work on this earth. It is surrendering yourself for the best of the whole.
Next time you hear a man or a woman say, ‘I do not need to get married’, there is a good chance that ego and self-pride is blinding them. It is the voice of a self-absorbed child wrapped in fear that they might lose something of themself, not an adult.
This is a dangerous type of psychological profile. Someone who says I can take care of myself and have a child because I have a good job, but I do not need marriage. I have news, anyone in the modern world can take care of themselves. It is no great feat. It is pathetic in fact to serve your boss, but not have enough courage to find your other half.
Nature made it this way
Humans reproduce in pairs. Nature made dating and mating to work in twos. We as humans do not engage in afriendshipual reproduction. Everything, even on your body has two sides. You have two eyes two hands. Nature works this way. It is strange to hear a person say they do not need to get married.
I have no idea about the psychogenesis of this belief but I think it comes from fear It is a marriage of ego and fear that would make someone think this way.
Biology is not destiny
A need to fulfill a biological drive, but not having the psychological development to be in a committed life partnership is what these singles are saying. New Flash, fulling a biological urge is nothing to be proud of for either gender. Doing something like being and staying married is. Dating for for your destiny, and not finding fulfilment in self replication alone.
If you are normal and healthy, I think nature wants you do reproduce in a family setting, in a nest with a husband and wife team and equal partnership. We are not just animals but creatures between heaven and earth, we have a dual nature, both animal and spiritual.
This is what all world religions teach. Not a path of self-absorption, because you miss the sweetest thing in life, that is letting go of your fear and ego for true love. What in life can bring you more happiness than love?
Many examples of happy families
Look at Amish families, look at the families of the days of old, look at families in traditional cultures, they are the happiest. Would you not want to grow up in a normal family with two parents? My family was happy and I can tell you it was great. The greatest think you can do as a parent is not to have a career or be a VIP but to raise a happy child with both parents at home who love each other. Look to the positive not the negative of family life. Watch the movie “Family man” with Nicholas Cage, if you have to. Family life is great and there is nothing wrong with love and marriage.
I live in Poland and the world here is all about family and love. If someone is a single parent is because of an event outside of their control. But rarely do people see being a single girl or single guy with a child as an option. Why? Because people think of the whole and not themselves.
Single parents and children lesson
- Love and marriage and family is not something to be seen as old fashion but rather the dream.
- Kids want to have a normal family life with a mother and father. Humans need to be wrapped in love from all side.
- If you are single and pregnant have the child for sure. Feel the fear and do it anyway, have the child, I am not talking about you as a single mother in this post. You are on a different path and God will bless you in ways that you can not imagine.
- If you are single, find your mate, your other half and do not be one of these pathetic career people or people who like to tell the world how they do not need love and marriage to feel complete. I am have seen enough of the world to know that is not true. We all need someone. There is nothing greater in life than love.
- Play to win means date to get married, not just for dating and having a boyfriend. Date to find your husband. Use Internet dating or travel the world it does not matter. Your mission is to find your husband.
Having a baby without marriage is not a bad idea if you see if from the perspective that your baby can be your friend.
The baby , that will be born before marriage, will not be a child but be as a friend of the rest of life. In the case that is is a baby girl, you the child will bond even more with the mother, as a girlfriend.
Ravi,
I’m sorry, but that was one of the saddest posts I have ever read. A baby as your “girlfriend”. I guess you will have to wait at least 20 years before they are even old enough to comprehend the fact that you’ll are buddies. And not that you are the parent ans she is the child. If you raise your child to be your “buddy”, they will never respect you as a parent and will never obey you either.
To be honest, I’m quite disturbed by this article.
Sure, to be in love is to be willing to compromise for the significant other etc., but that doesn’t mean all single women are selfish monsters who “do not want to humble herself to find a man and be his wife”. Marriage can be extremely beautiful, but it shouldn’t be based on the willingness to “settle” for someone just because it is the social norm.
I do have to admit though, having a child as a single woman can be considered slightly selfish in the sense that the child will have a abnormal family structure to start with. Being different can be potentially hurtful for young children if not dealt with properly.
Having a happy mother-father-child type of family is an amazing experience that is impossible to substitute. Love from two is probably better than love from one just judging quantity-wise. I’m sure we’ve all seen/heard our share of happy family stories, and who doesn’t want that?… HOWEVER, those movie-like happy endings don’t always happen. Life is not perfect, not everyone gets to have sports cars and mansions, same with happy “normal” marriages.
Since perfect marriages are not made for everyone, single parent families are not that bad of an alternative. Many people who finally decide to become parents against all the social stigma, are going to be pretty devoted to the cause! Believe me, ugly divorces and fights are terrible for children to witness. Having the beautiful glowing image of a parent shred to pieces during childhood is a horrifying and scarring experience second to none. From the experiences of people around me, I can tell you that the absence of a parent is almost always better than the presence of a horrible parent.
With the high divorce rates we see these days, I would frankly say it’s better to happily embrace the status of a single parent than to settle with a man that you would most likely come to conflict with in the future.
It’s the 21st century. No one’s life mission should be finding a husband. If someone is sure they are willing to commit to the responsibility of having a child, I would say go for it. Committing to a man and committing to child should be independent issues.
Your ideas are a distorted view. In fact it is so off you do not even know it is off base. Look, deary I am not saying you are off base, in fact you articulated your self well and made some rational points. However, they are wrong.
Why? I am married and I have a child. There is no way on earth this child would ever want to do it with one parent. I live near a town called Palm Coast in Florida and there are a disproportional number of single mothers migrate to. They all seem to go for the cheap housing in Palm Coast after the flee from their northern husbands, if they ever had one. I know one gal who abandon five kids to be with her lover down there. Anyway, the child of the single mothers I know all universally have problems. I know them personally and from the pool in our condo complex. My friend Gary growing up mother was single and he said it is the most selfish things girls do.
I come from an old world Polish vision of you get married and stay married and have a family. What is wrong with that? My wife loves me and I love her for all the days of our life and if God rants us more. Our child is happy. I quit my job so I could be home with them full time and work out of my house, even if we are poor, but at least they have a father and husband 24/7.
Trust me deary women want to have good man around. It is one million years of evolution. You go against nature and instinct you will find your self unhappy, like all the single mothers I know. I know a lot and they are all unhappy or at least struggling. If they could have prince charming who loves them helping them there is zero percent chance they would turn it down.