Dating or married to a negative partner

What to do if your boyfriend or girlfriend is negative

A person who almost could walk on water once told me ‘the only thing that changes people is love’. This is a radical statement because of the word ‘only’. If love is the one and only thing that can change anyone, then you have a lot to do.

In this post I give you specific solutions to this dating dilemma. I give you ideas and solutions not found all over the web, but through book recommendations, which are heavy hitters and beyod pop psychology.

  • If you are in a relationship with someone and they are negative, teach them otherwise through love and patience or blame yourself, not them. If you are not married you might leave this person for a more positive person. Life is too short to have an energy vampire drain your energy.

Consider online dating, like Christian dating or any dating site has enough filters for what you want.

If you are staying in the dating relationship or if you are married (no out in my view), there is a lot you can do if your partner is negative. A lot. I believe that every problem has a solution.

Why people are negative in relationships? The main reason people are negative is they do not trust the life process. What does this mean? It is a basic attitude in life, that is not about positive thinking, but rather that life at its core is safe and meaningful.

A fundamental trust in life is learned in the first two years of life and is the cornerstone of any healthy psychological profile (Eriksson). It is learned by the child’s relationship to its mother or surrogate. If a child does not have natural weaning, then as an adult they limp through life in a less than optimal way. I recommend a book ‘What I believe’ by Hans Kung. You can actually read most of it online. It deals with this issue. If you are a girl you might prefer Louise Hay ‘Heal your Body’.

What is a psychologically healthy person? Psychologically healthy people in relationships are not untouched by the battle scares of life (bad relationships, loss of innocence, breakups, divorce, ill-health, tragedy, financial ruin), but rather still retain a fundamental attitude of ‘yes’. This yes is almost synonymous with faith, hope and love. A belief in life as a whole has a purpose above everyday slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Some examples of triggers for negative thinking in a relationship

A negative episode in a relationship is triggered by something and they feel they are sinking in the ocean. Something in their life is not working and they a wave of self-doubt overwhelms them. They lash out and complain and you interrupt as they are bad. They are not, simply in pain.

Negativity becomes like candy, something hard to give up. Since you get more of what you reinforce the negative spiral continues until they can not close the door on this pattern. You find yourself in a bad relationship dynamic.

  • For example, I have back pain and when it hurts I complain all the time. I do not know how my wife can stand me.
  • Other times people complain or are negative because of emotional pain from their past. Usually the way they were raised. If there was a lot screaming and yelling in their house like the Costanzas on Seinfeld or their parents went through a divorce, then for about the next twenty years the child is in emotional pain as an adult. Usually about 40 years old people start to heal.
  • Past relationships, this is the weakest reason to be cynical or negative. If a relationship in the past did not work, it was for the better.
  • The partner is not religious. They can be modern, cynical and not see the world in a sweet way, only as an existential tragical.
  • Economic problems put strains on relationships. But this is one of all the weakest reasons to be negative. I would beg on the street if I had to. It does affect you, but people over-estimate what they really need in life to be happy. I live in Eastern Europe and see how relative wealth is.

What is the solution if you are dating or married to a negative person?

  • Time machine – I have often fantasized about going back into a time machine. To go back in time and change my past. Reading Eisenstein physics I realized you can not. I was disappointed. Until I found a way, literally, through forgiveness. The person who needs healing needs to understand this. Too much time wasted being angry and with regret. It does not matter about the past, live today. See the movie Time Machine (2002).
  • Love – Whatever the problem love is the answer. Read books by Jerry Jampolsky, the eternal optimist, less advice book and more light feel good books. For intellectual weight read Hans Kung which will help dissolve existential anxiety.
  • Let it bounce off you – If you are staying with the person, then be patient. Do not make things worst. Just be happy and ignore their negativity and give some encouragement here and there. Mentally say to yourself ‘cancel, cancel’ when you hear this negativity.
  • Real solution – Have them seek a spiritual solution to the problems in their life. Why do so many bad things happen to good people? Look at the story of Job. Carl Jung wrote that ‘every problem in life after a certain age is a spiritual one’. Ask them questions about life and why they are here. Raise their awareness about the issues of life by asking questions and in a Socratic way, guide them toward self discovery.
  • Book recommendation. – If they are open, have them read a book called ‘Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance by Neal Lozano. It is one of the best books on releasing negativity. This book is mostly about asking out loud freedom from negativity. Asking out load has more of an impact as negative entities real or psychological (net – net it is the same) need to be released.

Is that is? Nothing more. If the person is an energy vampire and you can not deal with it, leave, but if you want to heal their life and breath back a little of trust in the movie of life, help them though love, forgiveness and finding a spiritual solution to their problem.

Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

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