Dating in America: I am so lonely and desperate – and I am single
Why is it that Americans feel the need to almost apologize when they are looking for someone? They feel the need to qualify things with statements like ‘ I am not desperate’ . This is so American.
Many Americans behave like if you do not have a boyfriend or girlfriend that looks like someone out of a J. Crew catalog, others will think there is something wrong with you. If you are not chewing the corpulent on the weekends with some group of friend at a clam bake watching the sun set, having dry wine and french cheese than you are not living. This is so lame Americana.
The truth about being single
Here is the truth. Few people have this life and if you were living it would you be happy? Being depressed and alone is par for the course. I was lonely and depressed. If you date someone, but they are not your one and only, that is messed up. It is better to wait until the end of time, rather than to have a temporary boyfriend or girlfriend, especially just for ‘boom-boom’. Why? You are distracting yourself from your real purpose of finding a mate. It does not allow you to feel the full pain of being single and lonely, therefore, push you to action.
Yes being single, lonely and depressed is a good thing. Take it as a sign or a call to action in American speak. It makes us desperate enough to look outside ourselves for someone to rescue and save our lives in every sense of the word. And this is what love does. Have no illusions, love destroys your walls.
American girls tend to be detached
See what happens is many American girls are serial monogamous daters until their 30s for this reason. They are detached, prideful and distant. American girls like this are horrible to date if you ask me. Then when they are in their 30s they want to find this last hope guy. Good luck. Girls should be desperate and lonely in their 20s, We guys are.
Rilke quote on love
If you are single and not desperate and not looking that is totally messed up. If you are single and say, ‘I do not need someone to make me happy’. You are f_kced in the head. We all need love. It is the greatest part of being human. And like the Poet Rilke says Love is the work for which all other work is but preparation. Here is the full quote:
For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been given to us, the ultimate, the final problem and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.
Before I met my wife, I was painfully lonely. I was lost. To be alone feels like 100, no 1000 cold daggers stabbing you deep in your heart. You feel this most depressed at night or when then sun goes down, around holidays in the winter, basically most of the time. Do you not feel this way?
I admit this and I am proud of this. Why? This is how you are supposed to feel when you do not have your other half. This is nature tell you to go out there and find your other half. There is nothing wrong with this. This is good. This is nature. This is the way it is suppose to be.
Look love makes the world go around. I think it is strange if someone says ‘I do not need someone’. This is so play chess withed up. If you do not need someone, you one messed up person. Everyone needs love like plants need the sun.
Do not feel the need to apologize that you are single or feel ashamed. It just means you have the courage of your convictions to wait. What if you do not meet your other half until 50. So what.
Why European girls are desperate in dating
I teach English one on one and I will tell you what I learned. I talk to Eastern European girls who have their PhD’s and are super successful directors of large companies. Since I teach them English I get to talk with many girl one on one about things like relationships and love as it is often brought up in conversation.
They all tell me, all of them, they want to find their other half so they can be in love. They would take care of him and treat him like a king. They want to stay at home and have babies. They like it is a man is interested in them and hope maybe he will ask her out to see if they are their other half. They tell me they are lonely and desperate and do anything to find their man.
When they get married they want to please their man in the bedroom, not thinking about themselves. And you know what? These girls look like super models. Really. I wish I could show you their hots. They are tall, thin and leggy.
This is the way the world thinks and this is normal.
Don’t you want some leggy super cordial girl, and I mean real beauty like on a magazine cover, looking into your eyes with her swollen soft lips, whispering in a somewhat depressed, but soft alluring voice ”I need you, I am so lonely and I desperately need you’.
It is not some Gothic male fantasy, this is reality if you are not in the USA. Contrast that with the American girl dating model of her telling you that she is a strong women and does not need a man. Geez Louise, you hook up and marry with some American girl with even slightly materialistic tendencies, then, all you will have in your life is to wait for is the sweet kiss of death to set you free.
America’s dating scene – When two single people meet it is a date OK?
America on the other hand as such a twisted dating dynamic. You cannot admit you want this or you are single and lonely because if you do you are kind of a old fashion loser. For example in America, if a gal and a guy meet, the girls often say, ‘OK I will meet you, but lets not call it a date’. Let me tell you when two single people of the opposite friendship meet, even for coffee, it is a date. They are meeting to consider if they would be good mates and want to make babies together. American dating is so upside down.
Dating is for mating
Read my lips. If you are an American girl or and American guy. Be honest with yourself. What in your heart of hearts do you really want. Not what has been programmed in your about career or success or keeping up with the Jones. Do you not want to have babies?
This is a strong, deep instinctual urge. Do you not want to mate? Then stop playing games with your dating life and be honest with yourself.
Humble yourself to find your true love
What if you are single you are looking for love and you are lonely and you are desperate and hopefully mildly depressed? If you are you have hope. If you can admit this to yourself, then maybe you will humble yourself , and take action to find the person who you are supposed to be with. If you can not find them in the USA, look in other countries. Even match.com has a European dating website. If you want to find an Irish guy, look on anotherfriend.com. If you want to find a Polish girl look on sympatia.onet.pl. Look through my site and all the recommendations I make for dating sites in different countries. But the best of course is to travel. Important: do not leave this site without checking out my specific recommendations I have in my posts. At least look at the hots or leave a comment. It is OK to be lonely, desperate and depressed. It is not OK not to do something about it. The world is full of opportunities.
180 thoughts on “Single, lonely and desperate is good – not dating and depressed is a sign”
I am a straight man that is looking to have a love life again, and with so many low life loser women that are out there now it is much harder meeting a good one. with so many women that like to cheat today, it makes me upset that i can’t find a decent one to connect with. it is bad enough that my wife cheated on me, and I thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her and have a family. I wish we had the women that existed years ago, and they were very much more educated than the ones that are out there now. the women of today seem to want to have as many boyfriends as they possibly can, instead of just having one to commit too.
I have had and and am asking my Thai friends to set me up with a Thai girl, even my married female Thai friends warn me that once Thai women come to the USA the USA culture ruins them. So they are recommending I take more trips to Thailand, find a women there and bring her back to the USA.
Better solution is build your house on solid ground like the Bible teaches rather than sand so when the first storm comes from transplanting a girl she does not fly.
This is one of the best things I’ve ever read. America is ate up
What we all want is practical advice–not biblical quotes-advice based in reality and science and year 2013 – thank you.
How can you not see the wisdom in that quote? I lived abroad much of my life and traveled the world. I believe in science all things rational, yet to turn your back on wisdom like that is foolish.
Science is nothing more then a method of examining the physical world. It does not answer why is there a universe at all, why we are something and not nothing. It does not address the multilevel humans that we are with. It is a cold dark meaningless universe. Did you not take philosophy in school?
Look a major problem with women today is there is a high flight factor. They leave and become disillusioned. I have seen it over and over with many of my friends. You need to find a girl with ideals, real ideals not some modern patchwork spirituality. Ideals and beliefs that are like I will stay with my husband no matter where we are or what we go through, because I believe in something greater than myself.
How is that wrong advice?
I have been around the world and it works the same no matter where you are, there are sheep and wolves. You find a pretty little wolfka in sheep clothing you will me eaten alive, lonely old and bitter.
You find an idealistic dreamy romantic girl who humbles her self to the idea of God, you will find a fairy-tale.
Best advice ever given:
If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. From my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.
That is a bold statement, I would not recommend ugly rather I think marry a cordial lady, just low maintenance, humble one, and one that will not hassle and be on you.
I am pretty Roma looking, and at 29 I look like I am seventeen. I even purchase modest clothing from the young misses section(not the junior section) and wear them out! I still get snubbed by men around my age who think that I am some underage lady trying to attract potential customers by dressing older.
I get sick and tired of having to produce my driver’s license so that I can prove that I am older than eighteen. Once produced, I am too offended to want to date the jerk, who thought that I was trying to trick him into a honey trap.
Yes, sometimes I convince myself that I don’t need a man, but I do that because I am constantly being snubbed as though I were some dumb teenager.
You men want to pin the blame on women who are lonely, but sometimes men are at fault as to why so many women are lonely in the first place. Women have a hard time being accepted by men just about as men have a hard time being accepted by women. Women say they don’t need a man because they have hard time attracting men for reasons that are not necessarily a fault of their own. She thinks to herself if she can’t attract them than she didn’t need them anyway. Men can be too picky about what sorts of women they want in their bed. If she’s too pretty than I gotta lock her up in case she leaves for someone better, or I gotta say no because she will take more than she gives. If she’s too ugly I cannot allow her smarts to out best mine, and if she succeeds she leaves! Too young looking she’s a trick and she probably has an IQ less than what most people have.
Women are lonely in the first place.
I have great advice for you. Only date men who are idealistic. Men who care about things like the church, read Plato or romantic literature. Why would women date anyone else? Why would women go for any guy less than idealistic? The same advice goes for men. Date idealistic women. There are plenty of cordial women and men that are idealistic. There is even a slight inverse correlation between base and primitive behavior and attractiveness.
If you feel the pains of loneliness, like I did take radical action. Yes I was painfully lonely, then this is a call to action for you to take charge of your life and look for people on or off line that are idealistic. Travel on a shoe string, meet foreigner or local guys or join a Christian dating site. But your determinate criteria for love could start with ideals. How idealistic the person is, then you do not waste your time with players and inauthentic people.
I believe, the more idealistic a person is the more attractive they are. This might have something to do with evolution grooming our mating and reproductive habits towards more sophisticated mentally stable and loyal people for the perpetuation of the human race.
Men are just as lonely as women. God makes us all equal. I have no problem admitting my heart was in pain and almost cried myself to sleep before I met my wife. Why is that shameful? More shameful are the legions of old maids and confirmed bachelors our society is producing because we are ashamed to admit we need to find our other half.
Admit you are lonely and take action to solve this by radically altering your search criteria towards higher ideals. I walk the walk, I did it and have a beautiful marriage.
After a certain age you think to yourself that God must hate you, as you know the answered to the prayer for a girlfriend is not wait but NO! Nearly 50 and no hope whatsoever of meeting someone.
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
But if the desire never comes I guess that make me a
or simply put a loser.
I would say there is 0% chance you are a loser. Single maybe, rejected a lot sure, but a loser, not a chance. When you are single your perspective on life is distorted. Your self worth is often connected to success with the the opposite gender.
I need more information. What specifically are you doing and why has it not worked? What are you looking for in a mate?
You have faith. That is a gift. But it also a responsibility because not every person has this gift. It is a call to action. If you want your faith and vision and dreams to move forward you just can not get down on yourself. When you do ladys are going to sense it and run.
I would pull out all stops. I would get hypnotist-ed for self confidence, or listen to MP3s, read all the Norman Vicente Peale Books on the power of positive thinking or a few of them. But specifically I need to know more about you. What are your interests and what have you tried? Have you tried Christian dating online? have you lived in another country besides this Feminist snake pit of the USA?
See American women in your age group have particularly been affected by feminism. The younger generation less so, and in other parts of the world less. If what you are doing is not working try something else. I can guide you a little if you give me more information.
I think you could easily meet someone. Here is a quick list of things to do write off the top:
1) Get in shape so you are ripped.
2) Get a good Aveda hair cut.
3) Buy cool Hollister or Brooks Brothers clothes, throw out your other stuff.
4) What a few Dicaprio movies and note his style and charm.
5) Practice polish in the mirror.
6) Read – I mean books and things from different points of view
7) Ask scores of girls a day for their number. Take a vacation
The above seems superficial but it is not. It is just adding polish. You clean out your car don’t you? You can clean up your style. A guy with style of any age can get super models.
There is not way you will not meet your mate. If you are looking for a Christian girl, join a very large congregation or online Christian dating.
You make it sound so easy. While I love your enthusiasm, not everyone meets their mate no matter how much they do. You got lucky and met yours which is great. I am staring at 50 myself in a few years and realize I have a couple of years before its over. A lifetime of loneliness is a terrible thing. I just do not understand why women do not want this like we do. Women are so elusive and so uninterested typically. I just do not get it.
It is easy or there would be no human race. Most people get married. Women make it hard because it is part of the screening and testing process to see if you really love them. However, you need to have enough craziness in you to win their hearts. I do not have enough information about you, therefore, I would ask some basic questions for you. Do you go to church once or more a week and involved in the community? If not I would say this is the start of the issue. I know it is lonely but God sends us on these desert crossings for a reason.
Are you in top shape and take care of your skin with the best skin creams from WholeFoods? Do you wear the right clothes, like from Hollister and have a good hair style? If you do not have the cash for such things, let me know I can tell you free to cheap alternatives.
I will be 53 this year and would have no problem, thank God I am married. I got married at 45. You have to be crazy enough to make a girl feel special and really jazz it up with your style as all women like a pretty boy, but most important is ask the Universe for this specifically. If you do not start asking the Universe you will not get what you want.
I personally know many women who would love to get married but can not find a guy who is not a player or a caveman. You have to give me more information about yourself and why you have not succeeded and I an help remedy this, if you like.
I stumbled onto this website through several other links. It’s making my heart sink to read some of this stuff. I didn’t realize how naive I might be? I am a 45 single female, never been married, and no children. I will be 46 soon. I have had several long term relationships and did a little bit of dating, but I am now coming up on well past 6 years without even dating or trying to. I have been very lonely and would absolutely love to have a boyfriend, no pressure, just see how things go, start off as friends and obviously if there is chemistry, wow, that would be heaven. I made a choice to not even try to date as I have watched my life go down the toilet due to terrible depression and anxiety. I am very attractive & fit for almost 46, I am on the witty & sarcastic side, love reading and music & art, really just an eclectic array of interests and open-minded enough to know that there are always more things out there for me to love when I find them or are introduced to them. I am living in a certain hell right now, as I am living with my parents the past year, was not supposed to be this way but didn’t realize used car I bought with my last $8000 was a lemon and I have been stuck and alone and trying so hard to not lose hope but women who are 45, even if they are pretty with fun personalities, do not sign up on dating sites to look for men, or they look like gold digging lady looking for a sugar daddy. I moved out of my parents home at 20 and lived by myself until a year ago. I never lived with a man and always took care of myself. I could have moved in with boyfriends but always got cold feet and wanted to keep my apartments. I was a smart gal for doing so. I do feel stuck and limited in this country and Delaware is pretty awful. I am not looking for a man to come save me from my parents house, but to be honest, if I did meet a man and fall in love and he wanted to come save me, I would gladly spend the rest of my life showering him with my love & gratitude. I feel like my depression would shrink up to the size of a peanut if I found love. Love could probably take the place of these useless antidepressants I take in vain. How terrible to want to meet someone but feel too ashamed of myself to even make myself available. I have no job or money, but I can say with certainty I still bring much to the table and would still be a wonderful partner for a caring and wonderful man.
Look if I were you I would personally start perceiving myself as twenty one forever. I would do the ‘whole Zen’ thing, juice and take vitamins everyday, yoga or at least walk daily. I would read books like Louise Hays You can heal your Life every night. Money is the least of your worries. I had more women flirting with me when I had no job and living in my parents basement. I met my wife when I lived in a two hundred square foot apartment. When did money and job ever have anything to do with true love?
You have so many options in life at your age. You could do any job move anywhere. I move to a country in my forties where I did not speak the language and knew no one. The sky is the limit.
However, I think your issue is more simple. You have this hole in your life as you do not have true love.
I am married and in love and everyday is happiness.
My single friends are all mildly depressed.
This is life. One million years of evolution has programmed us to pair off. You are going against that genetic code.
I think you have to put yourself out there. American culture almost makes it shameful to put yourself out there, rather it focuses on money and career. I say, your worth is intrinsic as God creates all of us with value. You all add up to one hundred percent. The only mission in this life we have is to find and spread love.
What good is it is your have money and career or you go to church, give all you have to the poor and are even burned at the stake as a martyr but do not have love in your heart?
So I personally would really try to change my outlook and realize much of your issues might come from the that you deep down need to find true love. In order to do that, know your prince will not magically appear. Make sure you do not look nice, but you look amazing. We all can look amazing. You have to tip the odds of destiny by putting yourself out there a little.
A lot of bitter, angry control freak men posting. Blaming all women and feeling sorry for yourselves but nine of you pathetic jerks can see their own flaws. Who wants a man who is a friendshipist bully who secretly hates women? With that attitude some of you will be alone for the rest of your life, and fives who are unrealistically expecting tens will only have yourselves to blame. Even if do go into debt to get some desperate mail order bride to marry, she will wise up, get her green card and dump your sorry broke butt.
I am not saying women or men are the problem. I am simply saying, that if I was a woman and I wanted a guy to love and respect me, I would develop the qualities that are worthy of adoration. Learn languages and develop a spiritual disciple to beautify your soul. All women are beautiful as long as are fit rather than obese. All women can attract beautiful, loving, gentle kind men as long as they themselves are this way. For a woman she needs to develop more than a Jersey style and fluency in cell phone texting. Rather, the skills and art of making a man happy. This include, cooking and cleaning and taking care of the man. They need to develop intellectually stimulating activities like chess. Jump up and down and protest, I am not saying all women, have to be like this. Rather the women that want to catch a guy and live happily ever after. I mean if a girl is unwilling to cook, than who will cook for the children? Will they be raised on processed food? I have eaten out maybe three times in the last several years because my wife cooks. I teach my daughter to play chess and we are all one happy family.
The man needs to make the moon appear in the sky and star shine at night for the girl, and be a good human, loyal and gentle. The guy simply needs to shop at Brooks Brothers or Hollister and get a good style and then develop their mind.
This is very basic dating advice. What is so wrong with that?
Well it really does take two too tango nowadays since unfortunately there are so many horrible pathetic low life loser women everywhere since they’re very much too blame for this mess in the first place. Most of the women out there now have no respect at all for us men, no good manors, very difficult to talk too, and yes they will curse at us good innocent men for no reason at all when you just say good morning or hello to them. Very troubled women out there now with a real mental problem the way that I see it which many of them nowadays are really not available anyway.
Well lets face reality here which there are really many women that just don’t like us men at all if you know what I mean which is very unfortunate for us men looking for real love now since we really have no reason at all as you can see to really blame ourselves either since most of these women are really such losers as well. I mean after all our family members were very lucky finding real true love with one another in the old days since love was really very easy to find in those days at that time since most of the women at that time were Real Good Ladies too which really made it happen back then which unfortunately today is a very completely different story. And most of the women back then very much did put these women today to real shame altogether as well.
The problem with that argument is women say the same thing about our gender. The key to be off that track and on another, that is make yourself more attractive physically and as a human authentically deep. If you are a cordial guy that is not focused on anything more being an authentic person, in all that means with the insecurities and awkwardnesses, and jettison the dreadful pop-culture advice on dating, I can not image girls will not flock to you.
You are who you are, some of the ones that will fall for you with your authentic weirdnesses and all, will be the right girls.
The same goes for females. If you make yourself slim and beautiful, you know the Hollister look lets say, and have a deep sense of religious conviction (different from this lukewarm spiritual stuff going around today) and develop your mind, by lets say playing chess competitively or writing novels, there is no way you will not find Mr. Right. Just by default you will find him, by your weekly church attendance or playing in competition at the US Chess Federation or by growing your own food and being part of a permaculture movement.
If you want to drift as a human and get involved in all the psycho babel and materialism of todays culture this will what the Universe will give you, basically players and losers until you are 30 something years old looking for that last chance guy, or talking about your ex with a bitter hue in your life, which will turn off the next guy.
Almost to 50, newly divorced, awful introvert, and will never sink to online dating – don’t see myself dating, just feel old. Will never be the 30 year old trophy the guys seem to look for. I see why women adopt cats or become lesbians. It’s horribly depressing. All I can say to you guys out there looking, take a chance on any woman who catches your eye. There are so many of us will never, ever make the first move.
A lot of it has to do with the fact you are newly divorced. You will recover, give yourself time. I live in Florida and see many older people, and I mean in their 90s dating. If you have given up now, you have to give yourself time. Ask God to guide you.
Men are more lonely at the start of their lives as women have a lot of power, while females at the end because the ratio of men to women change over time. But this means nothing. Make yourself irresistible, get in shape, go to church and travel. Be 21 forever and you will always have guys interested. But first let yourself heal from this last relationship and that will take time.
I’m a woman in my mid 50s, but I’m not dead yet. Read the New York Times wedding section. There are older brides there and not all lesbians either. Stop whining and be more proactive, will you? Even Cinderella had to actually attend the ball in order to find her prince. If you are not going to take responsibility for your happiness in life, then you only have yourself to blame.
I’m so happy I found this article. Living in America I feel like I’m an outcast, because my greatest aspiration in life is to become a wife and cater to my mans every needs and his children. This is a completely naturals feeling for me. I can’t help it. I am very desperate right now and this article just gave me a lot of hope. There is nothing wrong with me and I will follow my heart. I want to find my man.
You know there is someone for everyone. You will find your prince. My wife before she met me was waiting and waiting and one day I appear out of nowhere. I do not have enough information to understand where you are in your life. But generally, I recommend finding someone who is very idealistic and believes in true love, God and family. Someone who you are also attracted to. Maybe that should be the first thing, then figure out the other stuff latter. Where you meet this person, I have no idea. I found abroad has often has more idealistic people than the USA. I think the USA and Western Europe are the epicentre of moral whateverness and players which leads to serial relationship but not marriage.
Trust me marriage is the best thing, it is a zillon times better than being single. Being single stinks.
I am not 29 going on 30 in a few months and stumbled upon this article while Googling ‘how not to be desperate’· Thank you so much for putting my heart at ease. I thought I was being a weirdo crying myself to sleep over being unmarried. My problem has never been getting attention from men. I want the right attention, dating with clear intentions of settling down. Like you put it, dating – mating. Feminism s big time, not only does it make women ashamed of wanting to abide by laws of nature; what God intended for us, but also men find it strange when an educated woman wants to play house. Just because a lioness hunts doesn’t mean she cant have cubs, all the lion needs to do is protect her (them).
ps. I’m from Africa and American school of thought has polluted us just as much.
Being single and alone is very depressing for many of us men wishing to meet a good woman to settle down with, and why in the world would many of us men want to be alone in the first place? When all your friends and family are settle down with their loved ones certainly hurts us lonely men a lot, and I am sure many women out there feel the same way.
I am a single mom, been divorced for 7 years. I have been out on dates few times but I refused to be with someone just to have someone. There are times that I feel lonely and I miss the presence of a man in my life. Sometimes I ask myself why can’t we be with the one we love? Is it too much to ask to be with someone whom I’m emotionally connected to? The reason I got married the first time was because I was 25 and I thought it was time. I got married for the wrong reason. Is it unrealistic to expect true love?
Thank you for allowing me to peruse your wonderful site. It is the second such site I have visited, which espouses the idea that the American women hold material values that are generally incongruent with attaining a fulfilling long-term relationship.
However, I have lived in the USA my whole life. I have always had problems getting a date. My first long-term relationship was my marriage, which recently ended. I am in my mid 40s, and am so lonely and depressed. I am not rich, but I am fit, intelligent, well-educated, idealistic, philosophical, and most importantly, I am kind. I don’t know how to be any other way. I hope none of that gives an air of arrogance; I am just trying to give you an idea of who I am.
Let me be forthright without long-winded preamble on ethics: American women (and perhaps many women in the world) will dismiss a man outright if he is not tall enough, regardless of his other qualities. I don’t think this is deniable except by those taller men who have never experienced it, or women who illogically hold to it, and conflate their clear-cut height requirement, as merely a “preference”. I don’t doubt that some of these women are genuinely only attracted to taller men, but my anecdotal experiences relate a different story: American women want a taller man, simply because it is too taboo to date a shorter man. And in fact, there is an undercurrent of disdain, should an American woman decide to do otherwise.
Regardless of the etiology, I am at a loss as to how to solve my problem. I have received so much advice, and much of it boils down to, “keep asking women out, because it’s a numbers game, and eventually one will say yes.” Here is the problem, I don’t have the time, much less the energy to ask out so many women in hopes that 1 in 50 (as an arbitrary number) will say, “yes” to a date. And even then, there is no guarantee of a match. It’s not practical or emotionally sustainable, because even the hardiest person will get tired of being rejected, and mostly, it is depressing to think that one unchangeable physical trait stands in the way.
I don’t have high standards. all I want is a decent woman, who is spiritual, loving, and meets my (low) physical standard. Please tell me where this dynamic is different, in the world.
Anyone who is desperate for the love of someone else needs to go and get a grip and spend 18 months doing some self-help and personal development. Real women are not desperate for a man and they certainly do not need your love to make them happy. No human should be that dissatisfied with themselves that they need to get their self esteem from someone else. “Depressed women often just need a man” actually just made me laugh..it would be offensive if it wasn’t so hilarious. I am really glad I don’t have to date American men if this reflects their attitude towards love.
Step up, ladies. Desperation attracts weak men. Your own inner strength attracts the same in someone else.
What do you mean a real women? Too much American psychology has mislead women to understand what life and love is about and caused a generation of serial monogamists (at best) who will not experience a life long love of old in the romantic sense. Western women tend to make great girlfriends to hang out with and be cool for ‘as long as the love will last’ (which is a common wedding vows these days). But in terms understanding notions of romantic love and how humans are exiled to this planet alone in the wilderness of life. We are all desperate suffering poor souls who are struggling for meaning and survival. To find your other half and this deep connection that transcend all this existential meaningless is what life is about.
Love is not a competition. Love is about being submissive and meek humility . It does not mind suffering burdens and hardships and knows that with love all things are possible. I recommend reading Thomas Kempis.
Yeppers, I surely did the same as one of the ladies from the comments, I googled my problem, something like “lonely Russian girl in America”, but found this article. I am 27 going on 28, divorced for almost 3 years. Born and raised in Russia, moved to USA to be with the man I fall in love with (my ex-husband) when I was 21. Didn’t work out. I’m told all the time that I’m very attractive, have the biggest heart, which I find is much more important than physical appearance. I have a good career in a dental field, independent, apartment, car, no kids, plenty of free time, but I have social anxiety, I don’t go out anywhere except gym and parks to work out, so after trying on-line dating websites it seems like I only loosing my hope, because I simply can’t find an honest American man (last few months dated an amazing Christian man who wanted to marry me, but even he was good at lying, so I ended it).
Ekaterina, I find this a paradox in American. It is the land of opportunity except in love. You are a beautiful person yet to find a mate who wants true love and is your soulmate is difficult. This is because our society is so face pace and material oriented. How many people here have had a classical education like you and understand authentic in relationships. Their first twenty five years of life have been different then yours and it would be hard for them to understand your sincerity of heart and desire for true romantic love that would last a lifetime.
My recommendation, is look for Catholic or Orthodox guys. I go to mass every week and I see scores of single guys that would love to meet someone like you. Online is also a good place with Catholic or Christian dating, despite your last guy who was not walking the walk. I would try innovate ways, like chess.com or something. There are zillions of brainy guys you might interact with there. Also 23andme.com is a genetic site but a lot of brainy people there hang out and interact. So these are communities not exactly geared towards dating but if you interact a little you will find someone with brains. Or whatever your interest is. Yoga for example is another place or even shopping at Wholefoods, there are a lot of intelligent people who are aware about life. Do not choose an unaware guy.
Choose someone who is aware about something, the environment or religion, or the brain or literature and you will be happy. He does not have to have a lot of money or any. When my wife met me I was living in a 20 meter flat and wearing white t-shirts jeans and sunglasses. I looked like a poor bum drinking carrot juice and living on soup.
But I had a heart and I was funny, and sincere. I do not think I will make a 1/4 million dollars this year, but I could come close (my job is a pain I think I will quiet. My point is find a sincere guy and you can do the rest together.
I was so painfully lonely until I met my wife. I would feel intense pain in my heart every night. But now that I am married, I can barely remember that. So do not give up and try to think outside the box, with geeky ways interact.
I think most of what you are saying is true. I think most of the advice you are giving is good sound advice. Apart from the comments where you tell people to go to church and at the same time go to yoga class. The two are incompatible. Yoga teaches selfishness among other things that are polar opposites to the virtues of humility and sacrifice. I used to practice yoga and meditation and most of the people in them circles were emotionally and spiritually unbalanced people. I was big into it but luckily by the grace of God I had a massive conversion experience and immediately quit it and returned to the Catholic church. The people I have met within the church circles who really seek God and love him have been the most balanced and loving people I have ever met. I think when people follow God then God works on their heart and they naturally begin to desire real authentic love and values but when people walk in sin, they are rejecting Gods love and end up having distorted views on love. Although of course finding love can still be tricky but it is a far more peaceful and fulfilling search than the empty self gratification seeking that comes from a distorted view on love.
Interesting theory that Yoga and traditional religion are opposites. Although I am Catholic and I believe with all my heart the Christian faith is something unique, I mean the words of Jesus were radical, that you should give up your self, however, I think yoga can teach one to be more open and flexible mentally which I think is needed in life and relationships. People in their 20s and 30s often do yoga as they have so much energy not being expressed physically in a relationship that it needs expression. Yoga is a clean way to do this. I tend to shy away from dogma and look at a tree by the fruit it bears. A tree is known by its fruit rather than adherence to ritual or idea (Yes I know I am Catholic and being a high religion it is all about rituals).
I have been happily single for a long time, but what’s really wearing me down is all the stigma and judgement and harassment I put up with. I had a thick skin about it for a number of years. It’s not making me feel like I want to find a mate.
I just want to go back to being happy and single again, but I do have to find a way to deal with all of these self righteous men who think its their prerogative to tell me how to live, to insult me, to harass me, etc. I’m surrounded by the dating pool, and people wonder why I don’t want to date.
As for the first poster who complained about so many loser women, it’s so true. Loser men too.
And finally a word about love. There is more to love than male female bonding. A lot more. A single life is not a life without love. If people had more love in their hearts, they’d live and let live.
And if the dating pool was filled with intelligent, tolerant, creative, sane, productive, loving people, I’d be the first to dive in.
I guess my first question is why would you not want to be married and in love? Do not swindle yourself out of your of live by rationalizing being single is fun. It is not. The fun of being single is to find the person your are to spend your life with. I have infinite more fun being married than when I was single. My recommendation is define your world view and reasons for being or meaning of life. Why are you here on this planet and find a like minded person.
Dating is not about finding someone sane or tolerant but finding someone who sees the world the same as you so you are like two peas in a pod and you grow and learn about life together.
See? This is a man telling me how I feel and telling me what the quality of my life is.
I see you have nothing but good intentions, and you want everyone to be happy, but happiness can and does exist outside the parameters of a couple relationship.
I just came through the most brutal depression of my life, and I can tell you in plain sincerity that I love my peaceful, tranquil life.
Single people get lonely and married people get lonely. If marriage is such a good thing, why are more and more people giving up on it?
I don’t know how long you have been with your wife. Maybe she’s the kind of person who is happy to melt into her spouse, and honestly if you are trustworthy and treat her with love and care, then she is very fortunate.
But if she wants her own identity in addition to her role as your wife, best friend and lover, she’s going to be pretty frustrated when she tries to tell you how she feels, only to hear you telling her how she feels. If she wants her own identity then I will guarantee you there will be trouble down the road unless you learn to truly listen to, and respect her position.
I figure if you are telling me how I feel, then you are telling her how she feels for sure.
One of the experiences of depression is it makes you introspective or perhaps that is correlated to the personality type. I feel we all have a depressive side to us, just some more than others. When I have been on that side I become introspective. When you are introspective you become aware. If your awareness is grounded in reality and not from your depression speaking you can gain wisdom which when you leave the darkness, and we all do, can be applied to the next phase of your life.
The issue is this, do not let the survival mechanisms which you learned during this desert crossing overwhelm the possibility that life is truly better when people are coupled.
It is like the movie “Cast Away”, the things that Tom Hanks learned on the island in his solitude allowed him to survive. But some of those ideas could be jettisoned when he left the island if he wanted to live a truly rich and happy life.
Do you know the triple sense Hegelian word aufheben? Relationships can be this. They abolish the individual by at the same time lift the individual to a greater unity.
For years people have been saying, how long have you and your wife been together and etc. And predicting based on their own failed experiences that perhaps we will not last and we should embrace the pop psychology of American culture that has a post enlightenment bias on the individual. That is hogwash. We are religious humble people who live our lives for each other. My parents have been together and happy for like 65 years.
Living alone is a form of existence, but nothing compared to being in a relationship with God and your spouse. You can not even compare being single to being in a scared bond. Being single sticks because it is contrary to the instinct drive in humans to bond, pair off and reproduce not to mention the spiritual union of course.
I know you were depressed and I am sorry. I do not know the nature of your depression, biochemical or existential but consider when you heal, that maybe a life of self giving is better than self centric. Yes you want to be a balanced person on your feet, but the modern god of ‘self’ seems to have replaced self sacrifice for love in our society in materialistic culture.
When you say ‘this is a man, telling me how I feel’. It sounds like you have swallowed too much liberalism. Liberalism is almost a prescription for longterm loneliness and unhappiness.
It all went swimmingly until you said that I could not even compare being single with being coupled with respect to the happiness quo.
I beg to differ.
Your position is that to be coupled is to be happier than to be single.
Let’s start with that.
First, happiness needs to be defined, and if I remember correctly, if we’re going to be true to the rules of debate as they pertain to the pursuit of truth, dictionary definitions don’t count.
There’s a logistical process or formula that is adhered to when attempting to define the terms of the discussion.
In this case the term is happiness.
Secondly we’d again need to follow a prescribed course after the premise has been clarified, in order to establish it as factual. In this case the argument is “Who is happier? Married or Single?”
Thirdly, and this is to your advantage, since marriage is the societal norm, then the burden of proof would rest upon myself to prove that I am happier than you are.
As soon as a rule of debate is broken, the party who breaks the rule forfeits their position and the opponent wins by default.
Shall we proceed?
I have been married and single. Not question married is happier.
I believe in evolution and a million years of evolution creates a drive for humans to pair and mate and reproduce. Now since we are not just animals and human children take at least twenty five years to raise to maturity, I even think like thirty, does it not make sense from an evolutionary standpoint that humans are rewarded for bonding?
Not just by the way of the nonapeptide hormone in humans, oxytocin but through a myriad of interactions. We are designed to mate and raise children. It is the way of nature and to go contrary to nature often leads to unhappiness.
Now people make arguments that the male is expendable in the equation after mating. That is psychobabble. A child needs a mother and a father. One parent can do it on a level of existence in survival mode. But survival mode is not where you want to be. I know scores of single parents and contrary what you hear in the mainstream media, these people are struggling.
Even the Bible says a child leaves their parents to cling to their spouse and man and women would pair off.
The only reason I can see for not getting married is, if you dedicate your life fully to the humble service of others at the level of a saintly calling.
All human talent in life is really loaned to you. It is a gift. I believe you should do something with it, either love in a context of a family or love humanity by serving in charity work. But to just enjoy being single like a player or through self centered hobbies and pursuits gets boring after a while.
I am not saying that to be mean, I am saying that because that is what I personally experienced and it is pretty universal. Think of all the stories that tell this tale, from The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde to Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice and Lestat’s existential pain.
Better is to live a life of love. I can recommend the book, Love is the Answer by Gerald Jampolsky, M.D or books by Louise Hayes.
Come on, you are a smart introspective lady, with your brains, your life is a blank canvas and you could get any guy you want for love and marriage, create any life you want for yourself.
Love and romance is always the answer. I mean come on, be honest, most women, want to find some super cordial guy that turns their world upside down and makes their heart skip a beat when they come into the room, and that loves you with all his heart and will always be there no matter what. Everyone wants some cordialtie you could be laying next to in front of a fireplace and a glass of sweet red winum and its based on love but games. Being single stinks.
You may say you’re happier married. But I’m happier single. I think what bothered me most about your previous response is the implication that I would be happier married and that my thoughts are the result of too much liberalism – which implies that I can’t think or feel for myself, without someone telling me how to think and feel, in this case, the liberals.
I’m glad you are happier and that you found a partner with whom you connect, and I really mean that. That did not happen for me and circumstances forced a deeply unwanted life of independence on me. I didn’t want this independence, but being forced into to, I can’t give it up now. Because I’ve been married twice, and for me, honestly, single is much, much better. It’s almost inconceivable that I would hook up again. I can’t imagine being under anyone’s thumb and that’s invariably what happens to me when a man is in my life.
Be well and happy. I enjoyed our talk.
You left out that pertinent piece of information that you have been married and divorced twice. I believe marriage is forever.
Even if you are unhappy then you will learn to make yourself make yourself happy. I mean there are people in a culture which I come from, Poland, where the husband is drinking he’s in prison and yet the women stand by their man. In stark contrast American women believe marriage is just another relationship or ego to many. I think it is a generation of American women, this who are now in their upper 40s and 50s. The younger American women do not have liberalism of this nature in their brains to that extent.
Females in the USA often make choices based on the wrong criteria. Then they complain they are unhappy and look at me a victim of an abusive man. They are victims.
These women will be living with dogs and cats and no man.
I know you’re not like this! So this is not about you.
However, why do smart women make foolish choices. It is because the they might have brains but not wisdom. Wisdom is about humility and submissiveness to one’s partner.
Women will jump up and down and scream when I say this, but it is true. It is true for the man as it is for the woman.
My recommendation for marriage is you choose someone based on religion, and authentic religion , that is someone who is walking the walk.
If you are walking the walk and you build a meaningful relationship with somebody who is walking the walk then this is the basis of a genuine marriage. However if you just find somebody who is fun and you have expectations the marriage will be on a rocky course.
I believe humility is what makes a marriage work and pride is what makes a marriage fall. Humility and submissiveness in the choosing of a mate and in staying in a marriage is the key that feminism or chauvinism will not tell you.
The Courtship process is a time when you try to determine if the person is truly living a Christian lifestyle. If they’re not just saying it but they’re actually walking the walk and being authentic about their Christianity. The alternative is building a relationship unworldly criteria it is like building a relationship or a house on sand, surely it will be washed away.
Many people say they are marrying a religious person or he believed in God, what I’m talking about walking the walk. Someone who has immense humility even to the point of self-abasement rather than pride. Pride does come before the fall of every relationship. So the question is not, can you be happy in a relationship, or is it better to be married or not or not. The question really is to what degree of humility you own.
The pain and suffering of this life should teach submissiveness and acceptence of those around you in the world.
I don’t judge anybody that has failed or has fallen rather I’m speaking out against one of the great tragedies of this world and that is pride that ruins relationships.
Pride separates us from other people. Pride keeps us alone. It is the dark-side. Pride will feed the belief that being alone and single is superior to being in a loving committed relationship. There is no way you can convince me that love is not the answer.
I only shared that info with you because I trusted you would not get all high and mighty with it, which is exactly what you did. Then you finish the lecture with a dissertation on pride.
For your information I am widowed.
Now I know you’re not happy – at best you are laboring under the illusion that you are happy and at worst, you’re lying to yourself and everyone else.
You have presumed so much in this response that I have lost any inclination to take you seriously in any capacity on anything.
I give your marriage ten years at most – unless you grow up some, then maybe you’ll have a chance.
“I only shared that info with you because I trusted you would not get all high and mighty with it, which is exactly what you did”
No.. he really wasn’t haughty, at all. Not to anyone who is neutral.
“Then you finish the lecture with a dissertation on pride”
Mark was gracious with his comments, and was trying to find the best way to state his opinion without offending you. Unfortunately, you are extremely sensitive, to the point that you will find offense in the most innocuous of statements.
Mark’s diatribe on pride was simply an explanation on why he thinks religious people are more likely to be good long-term marriage material. I’m not religious, nor do I agree with this, but I understand why he believes such since the Christian religion espouses piety.
I do agree with him: no one wants to be alone. Most people do want to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship. That is so hard to find, for so many people. American women in my generation are too picky and shallow, as a general observation, and exude a sense of entitlement. They expect the world at their feet, even if only for being moderately attractive (without much else going for them).
Finally, with regards to your attitude, Lesser, you state:
“I can’t imagine being under anyone’s thumb and that’s invariably what happens to me when a man is in my life”
For me, this alone shows you are very angry, and were so even before “stepping foot” on this site. What kind of men are you choosing?? Let me leave you with one of my own pet-peeves:
I am so sick and tired of American women saying something to the effect of, “There are no good guys around. They’re all taken!” Umm, no. There are so many good decent guys who are living single, and want desperately to be in a good relationship, but are singled out due to the absurd “laundry-list” requirements of women.
I wrote that it was not about you. It is about marriage and why people should stay married and how to chose a mate, not worldly criteria but humility and service.
I also would not make a comment like “I give your marriage ten years at most”. That is a specific attack on me and my marriage.
Come on, that was rude. I have a family. My wife and I believe marriage is forever and that is it. We have been together many years.
I know you have been through a lot. You did not tell me you were once divorced and once widowed. However, I do not want people reading this blog, to think love and marriage is a bad thing. That divorce is an easy option. I believe we are all our own religion. A living embodiment of our beliefs.
The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: ‘For one person to love another… is the ultimate test, which everything else in life is only preparation for’
Modern society and materialistic culture teaches that divorce is OK and that you can do it alone. I do not believe that. That is a materialistic lie. Unless someone dedicates their life to others, rather than self service, what is the point. Serving the self is boring. This is not about you. It is about ideas in the abstract and lets keep it that way. You have been though a lot.
I believe in love and marriage.
On at least two occasions I supported you in your beliefs, yet you continued to bear down on mine.
I said that I’m glad you’re happily married and shared that I am happier single.
You demonstrate a refusal to accept and respect my position as a happy single person and a rather preachy demeanor which is off putting at best.
I believe in mutual respect. You try to couch your disrespect in flowered phrases but you cannot hide it.
Basically I cannot be a single, happy woman without being politicised, feminismized, demonized, etc.
I can only conclude that you find single women to be a threat.
As long as your wife never wakes up to wanting her own identity and personal power, I’m sure your marriage will be fine.
But what will you do to keep her asleep? As long as the honeymoon lasts, that won’t be a problem. But one day the honeymoon will be over, and she WILL wake up. And when she does, she will very likely want to throw that glass slipper in your face.
It has nothing to do with feminism, liberalism or anything – just a human need to be heard and respected. Most women are expected to give up everything to accommodate a man and in return the man gets to decide when the woman is happy by way of special attention and affection and even lavishing her in material comfort. But that only lasts so long. Without respect, which means really being heard, and understood, it just won’t last – unless you can keep her in a state of semi consciousness.
I did not have all the information as you were arguing about single vs coupled in abstract but when you introduced your specific situation, that is another scenario Look everyone makes mistakes and can be given a pass in certain situations in marriages, such as if you are abandon and there were no children.
If you are windowed I certainly understand you want to be alone. I mean now that I am married and found true love. If God forbid something were to happen I would not get married again. I would just focus on my spiritual life and service to others if I was physically or psychologically able. So I understand where you are coming from.
But I think being alone is not healthy generally and anyone that is single I without hesitation can say, marriage is a wonderful state like no other. You just have to find the right one based on a God centered choice.
Why would anyone want to date a woman with an attitude? Oh my goodness. The reason most people who are divorced or single is because they can not make it in a relationship with an adult man. That is the truth. The only reason I can see to be single is because they are widowed from their last spouse and they want to honor that person in this life and the next, I totally understand that.
This is why this discussion is not about you specifically at all. It is about single women in their 20s and 30s who have not married or women in their 40s and 50s who are divorced.
Another reason people I accept can be single is they want to dedicate their life to God like a nun, which I respect. I personally believe Priest and nuns should get married with an optional celibacy rule but I understand this.
To say someone is asleep because they do not see it your way and sprinkle it with a little language like ‘mutual respect’ is feminism.
Single women who are like 20 something is OK they are looking for a spouse, women over 30 who are single is just sad. They have swindled themselves out of their own life. Is it not better to find a hipster partner in crime to have fun with than rationalizing one’s singlehood.
For example I spend the weekend with my family at the Claude Monet exhibit in Savannah and having fun generally. While most single girls in their 30s were feeling lonely single and depressed.
My message is girls, stop rationalizing and find a man, there are score out there that would love to love.
Well for a good man like me that really had hoped to find a good woman to settle down with to have a family, it is very hard now that so many women that have their careers since many of them are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry, which makes it very difficult finding a good one that isn’t like that at all today.
Yes many women are like this but you are looking in the wrong places. Similarly, many women complain they do not want career men.
Take me for example, as a consultant I can make up to 1/4 a million a year consulting. $250,000 is a lot of money. I choose not to. I take consulting gigs from time to time but I choose my family. We grow most of our own food and go fishing. I spend time with my family. It is a choice. My wife feels the same way.
Find a woman who is walking the walk. Someone who is not ‘spiritual’ but rather loyal to the core beliefs of her religion through rituals and actions. Someone who takes humble service of others seriously, or who has a rich prayer life that include perhaps the rosary.
You can find these girls in church or Christian dating. Or you can travel to other countries and live there. I did.
Tell me more what is going on in your life. What is stopping you from finding the woman of her dreams? What specifically is going on in your life.
Do you read Henry David Thoreau – Walden or Ralph Waldo Emerson?
Have you tried to learn languages or become a chessmaster? Travel and pull out all stops. Quit your job and carreer and take a month at a yoga retreat or weeks in Trappists monestaries. There are many that take guests.
Sell your house. Live a life of courage. If you do not like being single, than find that woman who is waiting for her knight.
The choice is yours, your money or your life?
You have to take life seriously and not just get a job, a cell phone and watch Netflix. You need to live and authentic life.
Read and take inspiration from the classics. Tell me what is going on in your life?
You know what? Love is a lie. At least romantic love is. As soon as I came to realize women are fickle and have no loyalty to a decent man and that they will cheat and leave you when it is convenient for them (often to go after a more financially well of and/or younger/more attractive man) I saw what a lie it is. I was with someone for seven years and loved her with all my heart. She was a large woman at 5’3″ 420 lbs and she was my best friend and love of my life.
Or so I thought.
She got weight loss surgery after six years. We moved into a new house. After a month of this she tells me that she went behind my back, put an ad out on OK Cupid, met a married guy, and wanted to have an open relationship.
She destroyed my heart. And we had plans to marry. I felt like my whole world came to a collapse, and ended up going to couples counselling with her. To try to show her how much I loved her and she meant to me, and I wanted to work through this. That we could be together and fix what the mess was.
Nope. Did not happens. Her obsession with him grew and she put ads out online trying to date men. I tried so hard to make her see my love for her but she wanted “sparks and novelty” as she said.
Essentially she had ugly duckling syndrome – she thought I was the best she could get as an obese woman but now that men were hitting on her she could not resist spreading her legs open for random guys she met online.
I ended up moving out but she kept me on a damn strong acting like she wanted me back then she didn’t and then she did again.
It was not enough to break my heart she had to mess with my mind too.
Never in a million years did I see this coming. She never ever led me to believe she was unhappy or wanted to play chess with other men. But you know it taught me about women:
Women are hypergamous and will always chase after what they deem is the “best deal” they can get. There is zero loyalty there with women.
Go MGTOW. It saved my life. The entire purpose of marriage I believe now is to prop up the wedding and divorce industries. I feel sorry for the poor bastards that buy into this authors lies.
All women cheat. All women drop you at an instant when they can get a better option. Love and loyalty does not exist.
Men get ruined and destroyed through divorce. Those are the ones I truly feel sad for. No fault divorce and family courts automatically favoring women in custody disputes is ruining men emotionally and financially.
“I bet it, I bet it all, threw everything into a pile.
Regret it, got nothing at all, No guarantees no piece of the pie.. Man’s ruin for his own good.” – Prong (Mansruin)
This was your personal experience rather than objective reality. I am truly sorry you had this experience.
That being said, I believe the relationship might have had issues from the start.
I recommend women that are deeply religious to the extent, their life is a practice of humility and self denial. Every act should feed into the whole meaning of their life. If their life is about career or nothing specific, they will yield to the first temptations. Find out what the meaning of life of women are. Is it it about ‘glorifying God by walking the walk of humility and self denial’. Or is it about nothing specific?
I also recommend women that are thin from the start, as this is a manifestation of self control. Women that are not thin or at least fit do not manifest evidence that they can control their basic drives for a greater ideal. Think about it.
I know she was your friend, but she was filled with human weaknesses, forgive her, forget and move on. You are lucky you were not married. All you have now is a broken heart, which will heal with the years.
Next time find a smoking cordial lady whose life is filled with meaning of a greater ideal. Someone who believes in love like you do.
Well since many women today are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very money hungry, which really speaks for itself why us good men can not meet a good one at all today.
I know what you are talking about, and that is why I have this website. I am living proof you can find the girl of your dreams. I did, just not in the USA. The culture norms of gender relations is an aberration from natural order.
Better is not to focus on the abstractions of general society but rather, focus on your personal vision of the ideal wife. When you have this, lock it in your imagination and even meditate on this. Ask God to guide you. Give it time, and it will work. I recommend concurrently you consider international women. If you can not travel there are many in the USA for a start for try foreign websites, I give you many hints here. Let me know what you think.
I just wanted to add a few things more from my last comment. Women these days will never date a good man, like us. This is because men are in situations where they make less money than their female counterparts.
The result they will not consider the male for a lifetime mate as career women have become so very selfish and spoiled over the years which it is a departure from the good old-fashioned women of years ago.
Prior generations considered economics as the seal or bond of marriage, rather than the divisor. That is a partnership based on a division of labor to make ends meat helped marital union.
Many women today do have their independence since they really do need a man to survive, this relates to the salary.
Furthermore, women think that they’re God’s gift to men which makes it hard to settle down with a salt of the earth man.
I am single not by choice rather because of the generation and time I exist in.
The solution is do not consider career women. Turn on your automatic filter for women who factor money into the equation of love even remotely.
For example, I meet female doctors who think that just because they make a lot and have a career, this will confirm their worthiness as good marriage material. Therefore, finding a husband is easy. Wrong. Being attractive as a man or a woman is about being non-materialistic, non-hyperconsumption, authentic, humble and faithful as manifest in concrete action.
Furthermore, for a person to attract a mate, the probability increases when you care of their body, to present themselves as attractive to the opposite gender in an irresistible way. Career women often eat packaged food, sit ten hours a day under stress, and this is counter productive to their goal of a clean healthy look.
From a mental attraction standpoint, a career person is such a turn off, it is a sign of lack of creativity in living. A fit and lean attractive urban homesteader is much more appealing for example. I recommend you consider women abroad and there is no need to transport back in the time-space continuum, rather go to another country to find your mate.
The girl thinks she’s good with logic and debate; yet the emotional (read: non-neutral) logical fallacies she committed convinced me that the author is really a girl and not a guy acting as a girl.
Girl, do yourself a favour and google up the difference between debate and dialectics. Debate is a sport, it isn’t concerned with the truth, it’s concerned with winning. On the other hand dialectics is concerned about truth and intellectual honesty.
Philosophers deal with truth and dialectics while despising debates and intellectual dishonesty (you’ll be surprised how many people win debates by being intellectually dishonest!). The outcome of a debate has as much power in predicting truth as a roll of a dice.
Now, ask yourself: Are you more interested in winning or are you more interested in investigating the truth? Are you interested in learning the methods philosophers use or are you more interested in learning “techniques” to win debates?
Now I’ll start quoting the statements you made that absolutely made me roll my eyes.
Regarding: “Now I know you’re not happy – at best you are labouring under the illusion that you are happy and at worst, you’re lying to yourself and everyone else.” So the girl thinks this is not a presumption. Good logic really; good girl logic. google.com/search?q=girl+logic (warning don’t read the link while you’re drinking water)
Regarding: “I have lost any inclination to take you seriously in any capacity on anything”. How is this relevant? We aren’t interested in your inclinations by the way, we are interested in truth. Google tip: ad hominems. Feel free to list anecdotes of real life people (while keeping in mind “Cherry Picking”, “Confirmation Bias”, “Hasty Generalization”; All terms searchable in wikipedia) but your inclinations no matter how inclining or declining, aren’t relevant to the discussion at all.
Regarding “which implies that I can’t think or feel for myself, without someone telling me how to think and feel, in this case, the liberals” Even the most emotional men wouldn’t arrive at such a conclusion. This statement alone confirms that she’s a girl. Get a grip on yourself girl you don’t have to cry over a random blog post.
Regarding “On at least two occasions I supported you in your beliefs, yet you continued to bear down on mine.” GirlLogic at work again? Do you know how ridiculous it is for philosophers to say if I support x number of your beliefs u must support x number of mine? Assuming your goal is to investigate truth, it’s truth that matters. If you want emotional support, go chat up with your girl friends. I’m sure they will support at least 50 of your beliefs, regardless of how girl-logical those beliefs are.
Regarding “I believe in mutual respect”. context, my girl, context. In this context, it’s truth that matters. We believe in truth. I believe in mutual respect too (as long as you are not you; ‘snigger’), but as I said if you want emotional support go chat up with your girl friends.
Regarding “I can only conclude that you find single women to be a threat. As long as your wife never wakes up to wanting her own identity and personal power, I’m sure your marriage will be fine.”. Google tip: 1) wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_to_conclusions 2) False Dilemma 3) Shooting the messenger
Now if you think my tone is condescending and churlish (rude as however and whatever you want to define it), be glad to know that this is an exercise for you.: Philosophers and truth investigators are able to pick out the points of a message while ignoring the tone of it; they need this skill to prevent their emotions from getting in the way of being fully logical in their pursuit of truth.
I’ll leave you with a rare gem before I leave: Do Google-up emotional barrier versus intellectual barrier.
(really, I’m leaving, so just a tip for u: it’s pointless to dish out an angry reply to me because I don’t really know how I got to this page, prolly as a result of incessant wikiholing; xkcd.com/214/. there’s less than a 0.01% chance that I”ll be wikiholing to this exact same page again).
And pardon, my lady (‘snigger’), for any typos since I obviously cant be bothered to proofread what I wrote and I was typing at an above average speed of ~120 English words per minute.
Really, you are lucky your posts were so deadpan hilarious; if they weren’t, I’m sure me and Scooter wouldn’t have replied. I know its tempting right now for the angry reader to dismiss my entire post with clichés like “doesn’t pass the laugh test” (pun not intendedly unintended) or “attack on materialistics” or “obvious troll is obvious”; yet if you able to dissect this post as philosophers do, you’ll be able to learn something.
This article is nice and all but I am also someone who has been traumatized by a recent break up. My ex was cruel too. He went so far as to call me ugly and corpulent and he said the only way to get him back is to buy him back. I have been feeling like I will never be anything better than second best since then. I like how this article advises that it’s OK to be lonely and desperate which is how I’m feeling now, but could I just pretend for a second if my ex’s comments were true (which I know they’re not because I know if I think about our relationship objectively he only said those mean things just to be spiteful).
Let’s just pretend that I’m stuck in a world where no one would ever love me romantically again. Would that really have to be such a terrible horrible thing that I should be forced to feel inadequate about for the rest of my life? Would I be ed in the head for wanting to feel like my friends and family’s love should be enough? I can think of one person (and only one) person that could keep from being over the edge if something extremely awful ever happened to me and that is my own mother. I also have the no one to come home to problem solved by moving in with my best friend who knows how to dry my tears and make me laugh. It’s probably true that I will find somebody else. I won’t shut down and give up on love just because of my ex, but in the mean time why can’t I feel entitled to accept the fact that there people already in my life who love me so deeply? Is their love invalidated simply because they’re not people I would have make-out sessions with?
I am sorry you have had such a rough break up. Right now there are too many feelings in too many different directions to make sense out of this relationship and how you will view it in the future.
I can tell you this, you are not hopelessly overweight or anything, and you are not ugly. There is no way I would believe it for a second. You are a beautiful person. Often people say hurtful things in relationships because they do not know how to deal with their conflicting emotions.
For example, I know a guy that was engaged to a woman who he had a wonderful relationship with for many years and she told him, she never loved him. I know them both. I know she was madly in love with him.
If a person is in pain for the loss of a love, manifest in many different ways, that is because the love is still there.
My advice is only pet cliche advice. Hang our and communicate your feelings to your friends and talk it over with them, until it is out of your system.
Know there will be a better day, I promise. Time heals all wounds.
Romantic thinking about one’s past – Each person will subconsciously chose their own way, to view their past. Maybe some people cling to their past and romanticizes about their lovers or whatever. I can not even remember anything before my wife. Nor would I ever go back. I go back in my imagination to my childhood but my past, no way. Why? If I love my wife, why would I be thinking about other women, past, present or future. It is so lame. I do not have the urge or desire.
The attitude you take about your past will determine your happiness in your forever real relationship. If you dwell in the past it can in a Karmic way, if you will, affect your future. But that choice is yours.
I wish happiness and if you really get down in the dumps, talk to someone you can trust, as it will take a while to heal. But do not take heed in the biting works of a scornful love. Do something nice for yourself, like go to Wholefoods and get scented candles or natural essential oils or get a massage, or join a Yoga studio, they often have 30 days for 30 dollars.
Being Canadian, and having the exact same dating culture as America I can really relate to a lot of things said in this article as well as comments. I am the kind of guy who has been relatively successful with women in the past, but haven’t had a relationship go the distance. Now that I’m out of school, at the age of 27, I can barely get a date. In the younger generation, it’s way easier for a guy to meet girls in school. I haven’t changed for the worse, I’m still fit, kind, own my own house and have built a future for myself.
What shocks me? It really shocks me that I’m not in demand for women. I look back at my life, I feel like I’ve taken all the right steps to make myself appealing to women but now it’s like a ghost town. I’m in a culture where women are the selectors, where only men are desperate because most of us have so few dating options. What really stumps me is that when I do date, rarely do they not want to see me again. Clearly I’m likable, and when I tell women it takes me months of trying to get a date I usually get confused looks, like they don’t know how much most guys struggle here to get one.
This “hookup culture” in the younger generation has really crushed my chances in finding what I’m looking for. I don’t think most girls understand that their dating market is not the same as their relationship/marriage market. Guys not looking for commitment smile at women they are less attracted to because it’s easier, but this doesn’t mean they would take them seriously. This never happens with the friendshipes reversed. Finding something mutual is so much harder. This culture where women are so choosy, and not desperate at all in their 20s, is just crazy to me. Love needs compromise. Let’s date smarter guys and girls.
If the author is truthful about realistic girls being desperate in Eastern Europe is true I remain hopeful. I will try a few more years here, but my plan is to go look elsewhere if I can’t find something here. It’s sad, that western guys are looking at other countries as an option, but this is what western women are creating by being unrealistic.
Here are a few things to consider.
Now that I am married I am in the circled of married people. The quality of women who are married and are soccer moms are eons above the women who are into the games of dating. Many of the women that are narcissistic and give North American women a bad reputation turn into ‘old maid’. Its sad and true.
Old maids are tragic and I feel compassion for them.
I believe there are people who are narcissistic and those who are humble. It is almost and either or rather than a spectrum. The key is to find the humility in the singles. I do think Eastern Europe has this quality as it is connected to their religion. In the West we are so quick to reject religion because we are above that, but this is what makes and shapes people to be humble. The ego naturally will want to asset itself but it is religion that says, there is a reality greater than I. In Eastern Europe it is still the majority.
However, in the Americas there are Christians and other religions that are wonderful people. I know, I hang out with them. Some are quasi homesteaders and some are just trying to walk the walk. The women are sincere, optimistic, beautiful people. So it does not come from the region as much as the believe of the person. However, this is influenced by the culture of the surroundings.
One a final note, one thing I notice about guys is they have all the check marks checked off, interns of actualizing withing societies measures, but that is not what attracts women. Money does not attract women nor a house. What attracts women is being friendshipy, that means really style. However, this needs to be coupled with a je ne sais qui, such as being into homesteading or chess, or you are learning a language or something that makes you more than a nice guy. Something that makes you a total geek. It could even be computer games as long as you are cool and passionate about it.
If any guy or girl combined style and I mean really friendshipy style, like wow, with intellectual and religious interests they would be unstoppable in terms of attracting the opposite gender. I have had women tell me for example one of the most attractive thing they find in a guy is they are a guy of faith, but those are faithful, humble women. If you just got to match.com or POF and find women with ‘interests’ it is not the same level as finding someone that is living a lived mission. The the point is make sure you have style and have examined the ‘meaning of life’ issue.
I do get where you’re coming from, just a comment on your “old maid” theory. I absolutely agree with this and while it’s hard to feel compassion for them right now it’s their own fault and I’m sure they’re worse off in the end. At least for me, I’m 27, my dating pool is only going to peak over the next decade since a lot of girls prefer men older than them. Being a serial monogamous dater as a girl in her 20s is a very silly move. These girls like the article says should definitely be “desperate” in their 20s. They are at their peak of physical beauty and their ability to attract a mate declines significantly as they move past this stage. It’s funny, the last girl I got semi-serious with, her mom even told her “well your looks aren’t going to get any better” when my ex talked to her about how much she liked me. Her mom, being eternally single for decades clearly knew from experience.
I don’t have a religious bone in my body and I respect that you have faith. I get what you’re trying to say, and I think that religious people definitely have better values and more respect for themselves. I like these parts about religion, and I uphold a lot of the real-life values that religious people often have.
As far as my sense of style goes, I’m generally pretty well-dressed compared to my male peers but I will continue to work on it. I will continue to work on my physical appearance as well despite being a fairly fit guy already. I find it disappointing though that because western girls have so many dating options that they don’t focus on self-improvement a whole lot. I want something more than what most western women seem to offer. I appreciate your comments. It’s nice to communicate with other guys who were in my shoes especially when they found what they were looking for.
I hear what you are saying and I am sorry you have not found ‘the one’ as nothing compares. I guess my question is what are you looking for? You say you want something more, what does this mean, how would you define this? What are some of the qualities or virtues an ideal mate might have in your case? I know life is an art not a science but specifically what are the virtues (from the Latin meaning strengths) your vision might have? I ask this question as interests seems transitory as life changes.
You’re clearly a little bit older than me, and some things in my generation have changed compared to yours so my thoughts may differ from yours a bit. Like I mentioned in my first comment, I’ve had a fair bit of success with western women in my 20’s but not much in the past few years. I can get women, but a mutual physical attraction is so hard to find with women calling all the scordials and being able to choose from a large pool of desperate guys who want them. I have dated women I’ve been attracted to all my life, not going to stop now just because they have became insanely choosy.
I want a woman who meets me halfway, and can actually do traditionally feminine things. All my past relationships, I was the better cook and did most of it. Seriously, these younger girls can burn pizza pockets in the oven. For crying out loud parents, if you can do one thing right teach your kids basic things before they move out. And cleaning, I’m more clean than most girls. I’m all for equality and I fully believe in sharing these tasks but it seems the younger generation woman has forgotten how to do this. A big one for me, is to be supportive. I long for a girl who supports my decisions and what I do with my life. I want someone I can depend on to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and I haven’t felt that in years. I know there are good western women out there, and I see from your posts that you agree. I just hope I can find one before I jump ship on them.
The reason being alone causes pain, is to make humans introspective, to examine their life and correct the course.
I hear what you are saying. You want a nice girl. Someone supportive and with basic humanistic qualities and the ability to cook and clean a bit, because that is what you can do.
I have bad news for you, nothing comes from nothing (nihil fit ex nihilo). The reason a person does not maintain a clean environment, or is not compassionate and supportive is caused by a deeper reason. The primary reason is they do not feel the need (have an ideal) or they do not have the strength (virtue) to support their core beliefs. But first you have to have core ideals.
I know you think I am from another generation but I am not. Let me explain.
I teach college economic theory. When I teach about Adam Smith and the invisible hand is not that theory relevant through the ages? Even though economics is a social science certain ideas are universal. This is because human behavior has some core tenets as behavior is partly based on our genetics and evolution. In other works, because of evolution, humans are geared to strive for economic self interest. It is how we survived in the jungle. Therefore, Adam Smith’s ideas of enlightened self interest has some merit until the human genetic code changes radically. Students ask why study Adam Smith the world is different. It is not. The economic theory still holds ad applies to some extent today.
Similarly, when I speak of desirable virtues in females and males for mating, are not virtues as relevant to the ancient Romans and Ancient Greeks or the High Middle Ages as they are today? A virtue like humility does not go out of style for example. Further, this core virtue supports actions such as being patient and the ability to be empathetic.
So my question is what are the core virtues you admire in a girl?
Further, consider where the origin of virtue come from. It is either because they have answered the meaning of life question in a humanistic way and ascribe some meaning to their behavior or they answer it in a religious context and strive to perfect themselves this way.
If someone is just living without reference to a higher ideal, then you are dealing potential trouble. When trouble hits in marriage, the result will be divorce, when trouble hits economically, there will be accusations and blame. Forget how they cook, that is minor compared to the real challenges of life like ‘sickness and health’, ‘for richer and poorer’. So my question is what is the meaning of your life and what are the virtues you hope they would have.
If I sound hard I am not, I sincerely want you to be happy in love and marriage and not have to go through a cycle so many people go through of falling in love and at the end of the day, they wake up next to a narcissist without any reference to a higher ideal. It is like a house built on sand.
Well just maybe if many of us guys could ever meet a good normal woman that is not bi today, then we will have a great chance, but there are lot of them now unfortunately. Especially the ones that are very nasty to us when we will just say hello to them. I do not get it.
There are scores of women that are normal and looking for love. This whole website is about that. The issue is you need to know what you are looking for.
If I was single, there would be no question I could attract women. You need to follow some of my advice I have written in my articles.
Basically, figure out the meaning of life issue. What is your reason for being and what are your values, if you have that, everything else falls into place. Next look for women that are similar. Hobbies and interest come and go, but the meaning of life issue is central to any marriage.
If you want to increase your attractiveness (your probability to get more women interested), be thin, get a cool hair cut, and wear Hollister clothes, really make yourself look good, we all can do it. It does not matter your age. With that combo women will be attracted.
For me personally, and everyone is different, it was not until I was married that I was happy, because nature via evolution and our genetic programming makes it this way. It is like nature will make you feel the pain of loneness until you mate. However, we are human and not only animals. Our psychological needs are complex, and it is not about reproduction, it is about love.
Until that time, what I recommend based on my experience is develop a mental habit. Almost like Behavioral therapy. But first you need to have a why, and that comes back to the meaning of life issue.
It took about 10 years to develop the habit of mostly positive thinking. I combined my faith with positive thinking.
There is nothing wrong with being depressed. There is a certainly beauty in it, like winter, so do not fear it. However, I found that faith combined with the mental habit of mostly positive thinking did it for me.
You do not have to be like driving with the headlights on high during the day positive. However, you need to be aware to check the negative emotions when you start to go to the dark side.
I just have noted that people who do have a little faith (trust) seem to be able to raise above the strong gravitational inertia of apathy, boredom and negativity. Those without it often find themselves on the flat plain of one-dimensional existential malaise.
Faith is something that raises you up from this flat plain. However, it is not something you can think, you have to feel it in your bones. Faith is a gift. However, I think with prayer you can make this connection and discover that gift you have buried somewhere dark and hard to find.
If you can do this, it puts you in a better place to find your other half, which until you find your other half it will be hard to be truly happy.
Well unfortunately since most women like sleeping with so many different men all the time which it is impossible for them to just commit to only one man, instead since this is a completely different time we live in today which is a very excellent reason why so many of us good men are still single now.
Just too many materialistic type of women everywhere now which it is really ruining many of us men looking for real love today which these type of women are really to blame. Lets face it which the women years ago were the very best of all and totally the opposite of what these very pathetic loser women are today which is really very sad how this society has changed over the years. It has become so very dangerous for many of us men trying to talk to women these days since many of us men are afraid that they will start screaming friendshipual harassment against us just to get us in trouble.
Many of the women of today do have a lot of very severe mental problems which really adds to the problem as well. Many of us good innocent men can really blame the kind of women we now have out there today for this mess in the first place since many of us men aren’t really to blame at all to begin with.
Speaking of the good old days which most women were raised very good by their parents and certainly had a much better personality as well as good manors which unfortunately they don’t have today at all. Then again their parents are a real low life themselves since they just do not care what their children are doing anymore since they really have no control at all over them anyway. It is very obvious why many of us men are still single today since this very much has a lot to do with it as well. And many of us men are certainly Not single by choice either.
sanesingle, God bless your comment. How refreshing to hear a man call out other men on their BS instead of tip-toeing around it like other men normally do. i have read stuff men write that has practically had me in tears, as i am not the type they rip to shreds. i am very tired of all of these broken men who got diced up by terrible women, and now they can never love again and put their hearts away in a box under their beds, letting the rotten win all over again.