Being Single is No Fun – The Cure

Being single s and here is how to cure it. I know a cure is a strong word, it implies being alone or unattached is a less healthy state. Forget political correctness, it is. It is not a disease but rather a dis-ease.

Like the Beatles song Eleanor Rigby about  ‘all the lonely people’ … ‘no one was saved’.  I do not mean to be rude, but I want you to jettison all illusions. Being single in the long-run leads to depression or despair. You swindle yourself out of your own life. I write more about this here: Being single leads to depression

Being single is painful loneliness you think others do not understand

The female coping mechanism for being single is to unite in something analogous to feral cat colonies,  gain weight and become boring (although they tell themselves they are becoming more interesting, wiser or more beautiful inside).

In contrast, men start down a road of self destruction with drinking, corn addition (did I write corn?)  or being the old guy (but telling people they look much younger for their age) hitting on ladys and recycling cliché meet approaches from when they were young and beautiful. At best they look like Rod Steward.

In contrast the research suggests loving relationships make you happy, these are just two examples:

  • Love and happiness correlated
  • A 75 year-long study currently run by Robert Jon Waldinger, M.Dof the University of Harvard supports the theory of a strong correlation between life happiness and being connected to others in relationships in contrast to being alone or alienate from love.
People say being married is restricting to their lifestyle. I disagree, coupled with the right person you can explore the world together.

Describing the common experience of loneness

Look, we are all healing from the trauma of being brought up in a less than optimal childhoods, or being painfully rejected by a significant relationship, or never even having luck enough to have a normal boyfriend or girlfriend. We perpetually have the pain of of being broken and lonely, until we find our other half.  This is how life sets us up.

Further, there is life’s everyday struggles with money, health, and anxiety.  Who can really have financial security today?  I live in the USA and it is hard, even in this ‘new gilded age’ (yeah right). Yet, of all of life’s struggles, being alone and alienated from love is unequivocally the worst. I can speak from personal experience.

However, it is our singular mission in life to work our way out of our own ‘poor deck of cards’ we were dealt in life. Yes, we were all dealt with a poor deck of cards. Everyone thinks, like the song  “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” (which originated during the time of slavery), that, nobody could understand the suffering and pain you go through in your life. I do.

Self made purgatories

I am sincerely sorry that you, the reader, have had to go through this pain or feel there is now way out.  I am sorry you are lonely and can not find your destiny. I went through this for years and would often metaphorically cry myself to sleep.  When I was single my life was a pendulum between ‘pain-self pity’ and asking ‘why’. Some people have a lot of dates and people interested in them, but are still painfully alone as they have not met the right one. Others, simply have trouble getting dates. It does not matter, the net effect is the same. You feel like the existentialist French philosopher Camus writes ‘ we are are gypsies on the edge of an alien world, a world that is as deaf or our music as it is to our sorrows’.

I have no illusions. Being single sticks because if you are loved, then even in financial hardship and sickness your burden seems light. In contrast, when you are single you obsess about your parents, your childhood, your career, your body, and face, and all the fears become manifest in a neurosis that you can hide from others, but not yourself. Be honest with yourself, this is the way you want to live?

On a lighter note, people try body modification.  Even me, for example, I one time even bought and apparatus to do mouth exercises to make my jaw looked more chiseled and refined. It worked but my jaw hurt, I do not want TMJ. I considered pheromone-based cologne, and this was the tip of the iceberg.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  Why am I single? It was like a dagger in my heart.

The cure for being single

Halfway in my life’s journey, I went astray
from the clear path,
when I awoke I found myself
alone in a dark wood – Dante The Inferno

There is a gender specific cure for loneness and a universal.

The universal cure for loneness is being honest with yourself.  You have to admit to yourself you are lost.  Without your other half, you will slide into slight neurosis and unhappiness like a low grade fever. A painful alienation from clear path of life and this will gnaws at your soul as if you were lost in a dark wood. Do not worry there is a cure. There is a way out. I promise.

The cure is simple. Be aware of this and be honest that you really want to be with someone and you will do whatever it takes to find your other half. For example, I left my six figure career to live off the grid in a far away land where I knew nobody.

You have to pull out all stops. Realizes that no matter what the rationalization or ego defence mechanism you concocted, you can find a mate. No matter how many people in your past are freely renting space in your brain, you can forgive them. It is unhealthy to be single.

It is not what evolution design you to be. You can find your destiny, and every cell in your evolutionary programming will reward you, as your genes will will have a chance at self replication by passing on your DNA.

You do not want to become a batty old spinster or an old maid or that creepy corpulent guy that has extreme views or surfs corn (did I write corn again?) on the Internet and still thinks they are still in the game as a player.  You have to want to be married. You have to want to get married and stay married. You have to yield to the logic of the situation.

That is, a million years of  evolutionary programming has created our brains to bond with another. The Bible write ‘ we leave our parents and cling to our spouse’ or ‘be fruitful and multiple’.  We must stop thinking like a child and reject this hyper consumptive post modern lie that you can play and be single. As years go by, you will become insignificant and fade into unhappiness if you stay single.

Once you are honest with yourself and accept that being single s as it is contrary to natural law, than you need to muster the courage to raise above your self absorbed protection wall you created and seriously look for your other half.

I want to be the impetus for you commitment phobic guys and per-spinster women in you late twenties and thirties to be honest with yourself and go for love, rather than what our society indoctrinated you with, that you can do it alone and focus on friends and career (what a joke).

If you know the why in life the how is easy – Polemic Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche

Above is the why and below is the how.

Incessant checking of your cell phone is not going to win the love of your life, rather develop and live for something greater, like religion and charity.

The question is how to find your other half

  • Be Reptilian -You have to look cordial. You need to be invoke semi-perverse fantasies in others when they see you.  It is in the imagination where the future unfolds.You can not afford to look casual. Wear things that will provoke the opposite gender get giggle like a school girl when they see you.
  • Evolve -You have to develop a disciple of self denial and spiritual progress. If you elevate your mind to a higher level, like Plato wrote “live with the gods”,. If you do, then people will instinctively find you appealing. They will not know why. The reason is evolution and survival of our species is about the brain and higher cortical functions as opposed to rabbits which just breed. I recommend Jacob Bronowski’s Ascent of Man if you want to think more about this subject. However, you need to appeal to your mate on a higher level or else you will just be a Jersey guy or girl. How many languages do you know? What is your Chess ranking? Can you play the Violin? Choose something beyond the convenient plastic wrapped food American lifestyle. Read books and cancel Netflix if you have to, but to get a mate who is quality develop yourself. Read  nineteenth century writer, William James’ book  The Varieties of Religious Experience to broaden your perspective of religion, meaning and happiness. It is non-denominational and  devoid of proselytization (yes I meant this word not the other).

About how to be cordial, I mention a number of brand name stores below because I am practical. Above is the philosophical underpinnings of why you are alone, below is the practical solution.

For men and women:

Beauty is about the eyes but raw attraction starts with the nose. Feed the most important organ in your body for mating:

Human Vomeronasal Organ – Empty your bathroom medicine cabinet –  Yes today get rid of all the colognes, perfumes, make-up, and deodorants and soaps and shampoos. Replace them only with Wholefoods whole body products. The other products block pheromones. Petrochemical derived disposable consumer goods are not attractive but natural smells are. Think evolution and if you have pets what they do to each other, even if they are neutered.  Research Jacobson’s organ.

As long as you are at Wholefoods, just buy organic food from there, and as little in packages as you can. Your skin will glow and you will look better. Be fanatical about a variety of friendly bacteria as this will deodorizes your of unappealing aroma. Go for consuming about fifty different types of strains.  Americans are corpulent because of the processed non-organic food they eat. My skinny European and Indian friends that move to the USA and eat the same type of good gain weight because it is lower quality non-organic.  Do not believe me? Try eating only organic WholeFoods non-processed food for a few months and watch the transformation. Your scent will change and your body will also. If you eat processed food you are putting off a foul scent for attraction. Read up on the Vomeronasal organ and draw your own conclusions.

Get hipster or attitude glasses – Zenni will sell you some for under twenty dollars.

Lose weight –  Strive to be at the lower end of the height and weight chart for a 25 year old no matter what your age. Enough said.

For men – You have a style problem:

  • Clothes – If you are not dressing in Brooks Brothers clothes or at least Hollister if you are on a budget, then you will not get far. You have to dress up, even when you go for a walk or  HomeDepot. Dress for love,  like a movie star. Get in the habit of presenting your best. Give all your other clothes to a thrift store as it is good Karma.  Do not believe me? My friend George and I went to Montreal for a weekend trip.  I went clothe shopping and he stayed in his meet truck reading a Louis L’Amour Western, while I went shopping at a French clothing store.  I wore those same clothes when I met my future wife. He is single today.
  • Hair- You have to go to an Aveda Salon and find an ‘artistic’ looking guy to cut your hair in a classic fashion.  No buzz cuts from cordial lady hairdressers. Hair is a secondary reproductive organ, grow it in a longer side, think Leonardo Di Caprio in the film Titanic.

For women – You have a style problem even bigger than men:

  • Clothes – You have two options, Preppy or European. Most women have no sense of style. I am sorry, it is true. You do not have to look like you are about to walk down a catwalk, but you have to look amazing. Think super tight jeans or a clean preppy look. Remember Mark’s mantra, ‘what girls think is attractive on their own gender is not attractive for a guy’. Study a natural, tight, clean, thin look. Think of the women in a science fiction series as an archetypal base for style. They wear tight clothes, solid over patterns, and look thin. Acceptible patters are thin pinstripe or perhaps plaid.
  • Hair – Most women are not putting themselves out there. For example, you have a ‘cute bob’ or shoulder length hair cut, it is so unattractive. Maybe your middle age woman friends will tell you it is , but I am a guy, it is not. Either grow your hair to the small of your back or cut it really short. Do not colour your hair unless there is a lot of grey. Spend money on conditioners and natural hair products.
  • Plastic is not fantastic – Do not consider surgical alterations of your body. If you must, adipose-derived stem cells from your own corpulent stores. Excess a
  • Be coy – Learn to smile and be shy and do not be opinionated. This is contrary to 90% of the women I know. Do not use vulgar words, rather speak with elegance. Read To his coy mistress by Andrew Marvell.

Where to find your mate

Travel. Forget people in a fifty-mile radius on a dating site to couple-off.  That is lazy. The boy or girl next door does not exist. Spend your vacations, not on seven thousand dollar cruises where people pack themselves, or safe American cities, but go abroad on a shoestring. Be radical and travel alone (non-Middle Eastern because of the politics) foreign country and you will meet people.

Fine a mate who is into an idealist subculture like permaculture

If you must stay domestic, connect to subcultures like permaculture or Catholics or Christians or immigrants for example from Russia, Ukraine or Poland or elsewhere.  People who are consciously living a better life rather than Joe or Jane average. Consider people who go to Wholefoods or if you are a girl, sign up for chess tournaments or Greenpeace. Use your imagination to identify not interests, but rather behaviour that indicates people are aware and thinking of a higher ideal.

Whatever you do, be radical and creative. You need to hold nothing back. Think out of the box. Write a comment or send me an email if you want to really more specific advice but, do something radical in a peaceful positive way, like quit your job and move to another country.

If you really do the above then the next step is to look for a mate.

No matter how different you think your situation is (this is ego speaking) others are going through the exact same thing in their own way. You are not alone. It is the human condition. Prayer for the other lonely people in the world, and for yourself. This will help. remember, we are programmed through a million years of evolution to pair off and mate. I believe in mating for life and not the endless dating culture is the path to back to Eden. Write to me in the comments or personally if you disagree or are about to read this and move on. Stop and think, do you really want to be pass from their world alone?

  • If you just wait for the perfect moment then life will passes you by. Yes that is exactly what happens. Want to get more motivation or advice? Write a meaningful comment and I will reply to your situation.

Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

6 thoughts on “Being Single is No Fun – The Cure”

  1. It’s so hard in the western hemisphere to find a partner.
    Girls are having more and more unrealistic expectation from men.
    They’re only interested in the 10% elite alpha good looking males, and if they can’t have one of those, they just buy a dog and a cat.
    No wonder why fertility is dropping in these countries

    Most of the people in the dating market are emotionally avoidant. They are still there because emotional intimacy terrifies them.

    1. First, anyone can be the alpha when it comes to looks. Look at my prescription in the above article. Achieving alpha male attractiveness is mostly a matter of style.

      That being said, I personally would not risk dating and mating with a Western female, unless she is religious in the traditional sense (spirituality is often a term thrown around used by women who do not deny or restrict themselves in moral action). I know that is unenlightened but it is true. A marriage material western girl is one who is reading the Bible or going to Mass weekly, for example if you are Christian, or something analogous if you are Muslim or Jewish.

      Better would be to consider a foreign bride. From the time since the first human migrations people were dating and reproducing with foreign women. Foreign women will humble themselves, western women would rather have dogs and cats than have a normal family and stay married all their life. Foreign women have and exotic factor and sensuality. Western women often assert themselves so much, that it is better to cut your loses and move on.
      I get home cooked meals from scratch every day from vegetables grown in our garden.
      My wife wants to stay thin, and has no tattoos and speaks languages. You have to be the chooser in the mate selection and not worry about these ‘liberated’ western girls. Better is to ignore Non-religious American women and marry a beautiful blond from aboard who loves you, and make all the other women jealous, they did not get you.

  2. I’m pretty involved with your suggestions, I really believe what you suggest. I’m loosing more weight and I hope to start online dating soon, but I like to know what webs do you suggest or maybe tell us if you can connect me with men who has been asking for your advice. I’m 26, Mexicana, cultured, cute and loosing weight, great cooker, reader etc. Now, what should I do now? What’s next?

    1. If you are a young lady I would really think about what you are looking for, because online dating is like an accelerated timeline for relationships. It is like warp drive, it gets you to a good or bad place faster than the normal trajectory of dating.

      I would assume you are Roman Catholic if you are from Mexico and further these values mean something to you personally. Therefore I would not compromise your personal beliefs, as if you bond with someone who is lukewarm your faith could become the same. Just know what is your core belief system and find someone who shares that. It will be easier and result in happiness, rather than finding someone who does not have the same Credo or a water down version of this. Looks are secondary in mate selection, although it is the bait of initial attraction, as everyone can be attractive with a style makeover.

      For example, I am into everything worldly and humanistic such as travel, literature, work in investment banking, have a nice house near the beach, surf, play chess and writing Apps as an entrepreneur and dress like a hipster. You would think I was a stylish hedonist, however, I am not rather more similar in belief to Thomas Kepmis. I am a man of the world in one sense, but I know this is all illusionary compared to my core belief system. The only thing that matters to me is walking the walk of my faith and my family. When I met my wife it was her core values that were the glue for our relationship. We go to Mass every weekend and raise our daughter in the faith.

      Therefore, my recommendation is, if you are from the same background as I am, that is Catholic, to find someone who really takes this seriously. Someone easy going and optimistic and faithful at the same time. Start with Catholic dating sites and dating sites where you can screen people for their world view and outlook. If online dating gets too exhausting or does not work give it a rest and meet just dress well and guys will find you. Maybe take chess up as a hobby, as there is a ratio of ten to one male to female and most of the players are smart and moral. Take your time. You have a lifetime ahead of you. You do not have to find someone this year. It could be in ten. While you are waiting, work on self development and education. I mean what if you have to wait for ten years, you might as well get a Ph.D. or something. I hope this helps but this is what I personally recommend, putting congruency of core values as primary when searching online or offline for a date. Even if you fail, you will have less gray hairs in the end.

  3. Now I do not think anyone is serious about having a relationship in a deep meaningful way. One out of ten people perhaps would entertain a meaningful relationship. However, I now to find that one in ten is like finding a needle in a hay stack. What is the solution?

    1. The idea of a meaningful relationship is only relevant to people who live meaningful lives. Let me explain. Faith is a radical transformation of ones life. For someone who does not have a radical transformation of their life through a high ideals, like religion or humanistic values, there would be little chance the relationship aspect of their life would be meaningful.

      I do not care about statistics, I do care if the world becomes ‘Jerseyized’. I know I will make my choices in life based on what I believe, and there will always be people who strive to be more than cell phones and causal relationships. You have to have the courage of your convictions.

      People who do not live in a meaningful way, are dangerous to those who want to. They will corrupt them, destroy their innocence and ideals.

      If a person does not take anything in their life, beyond the here and now as sacred, then why would they take love, which by its definition transcends day to day human life, seriously? There is something called consistency of values in psychology. That is, if a person has values in one aspect of their life, they will have it in others. Similarly if they have no transcendence in their day-to-day life manifest by prayer and charity, why would they have transcendence in love and relationships?

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