It was pretty bold of me to write on this topic, but I feel many guys out there are conflicted. The idealists are on the run and the world’s social transformation has thrown a rock through their stained glass vision of a holy marriage. That is why I choose to write on the subject of purity in a religious marriage and the psychology of dating that gets you the lady friend of your dreams.
The search for a pure woman is a central theme in many single guys’ lives. Some guys look at it this way, they do not want to marry, for the rest of their lives, a girl who has given herself to someone else. A hundred years ago this was not much of a problem, today with feminism and liberalism chipping away at society, if you even bring this point up to a girl, she will get all huffy and disappear. Society will mock you and say you have a psychological problem. You do not. My post here will help examine the issues from a Christian approach. But it is also applicable to Islamic women, as well as Jewish and Indian women.
Typically guys continue their search for low mileage models. Ideally one that has not even been out for a test drive. Yet they are frustrated, as there are not really any pure women left in their dating age range, at least none that fulfill other criteria for a compatible partner.
The modern Western female attitude on the subject is yet another example of ‘up is down’ and ‘down is up’ philosophy in our society. I mean, why would you not want to share your life, in this sacred and intimate way, with your one and only true love who you marry? What is so wrong with waiting for married before intimacy?
Lets put it all out there, and cut through the formalities, and be honest here. Do you do not want your lady friend to have done all kind of nasty things with other guys, on a whim, or have given her heart to another man, right? She had her fun with some Alpha studs and not expects a life of devotion from you, a Beta, who will be her provider?
Before you get all wound up in a tizzy at my bluntness, I am sorry. My point is to be dramatic, as to bring all this out in the open so it does not fester in your subconscious and manifest itself latter in frustration or anger at someone.
- The main thing is do not feel you are alone and need to be transported back into a time machine to find your fair maiden.
The purpose of this post is to examine this issue of women and purity from an objective view point, but also from a Christian perspective. Yes, I will give you concrete places and counties to find these ‘good’ women, but on the condition that you read my analysis. The historical and psychological genesis of conflicted feelings with this issues men and women have on the issue of female purity. By being aware of the source of one’s feelings is a good source for change or at least compassion.
Therefore, below of what is really going on here. My only request is you consider what I write in my for lack of a better word, homily and analysis below.
The truth is seen not in the beginning or the end but always the whole – Hegel
Religious is always about truth. So this is why I am writing this post. Do clarify the muddled thinking and bring awareness. Only with awareness is there a possibility for one to act on God’s given free will.
I think this post is relevant for women and men who have an interest in dating and marriage.
Where does this idea of purity in women really come from?
One of the things to realizes is the idea of finding a pure woman does not come from Christianity but more from biology. Deep in our subconscious men want to find untouched women because they know there is less chance of disease and other problems. This is pretty well establish that women who have had multiple partners (men also) have higher risk of medical problems, that might even interfere with the ability to procreate. I have read in at least one reputable science article, I wish I could find it, that the idea was around way before religion was codified. It comes more from a reproductive desire for being clean.
Our subconscious obsesses about this, because of this instinctive motivation. Humans are obsessive, ritualistic, cleansing creatures, it is part of our evolution and can even be seen in primate behavior of grooming. We get obsessed with cleanliness because deep in our brains are mechanisms at work connected to survival. However, the desire for purity, bubbles up to our conscious mind which we rationalize as religious thought or proper social mores.
Sure a lot of things are like this, in human behavior, that is unconscious with an evolutionary base, but people rationalize it. The whole formality and interplay of dating for goodness sake is. For example have you noticed how women are more afraid of bugs and spiders than men? My friend George eats bugs to gross out girls. Well this is because insects and the sort, pose a greater threat to a women because she might be carrying children. Women have this fear because of instinct. Men scuff it off that they are braver, but this comes from one million years of human evolution.
Similarly men obsess about a woman’s purity largely because some primordial desire to choose mates which are clean. Girls do not understand this and get all bent out of shape if you even mention it.
Cultural understanding of purity and the evolution of religion
In the beginning, religious rules were closely connected to the rules of a clean properly functioning society. Not that all communities were theocracies, but rather, what was ‘bad’ for society the elders deemed bad in the eyes of God. In Islamic and Jewish cultures, laws about food and washing were and are strictly observed.
Does God really care about this? Man does. If a society contains people who are ‘unclean’, based on their understanding of ‘unclean’ at the time, it could spread disease in the community. Even a woman’s on her moon cycle was considered something to be avoided as she was unclean. We have science now and know that is ridiculous. I am sorry that is such a crock. You can rationalizes it all you want but a woman on her cycle is nothing but the cleansing of her uterus, something healthy and normal. We have science now.
Yet my point is a lot of religious taboos developed from ideas at the time where thought to protect the community. Some good like washing ones hands, and some misguided. Possession might have been misdiagnosed mental illness or epilepsy. Because the world’s great religions predate us by hundreds of years, there are outdated social concepts overlay-ed with authentic sincere religious teachings.
Codification of laws religious, social and political
As mankind developed in more complicated social ways, political laws were codified as were religious and recorded in our holy books. This included rules governing a woman’s purity. A “fallen woman” was almost on par with one who had leprosy. Someone who was sick by the way, might have been in a state of sin or he parents where and this was passed down from generation to generation. This is how man’s obsessive brain started to work. We stated to weave superstition in with authentic religious idea. Further there are guardians and judges of the truth and its rules. Defenders of the Orthodoxy, even if enlighten. I tend to me this way personally. Yet, think of the Matrix, who are you in this play?
Jesus taught it was the spirit of the law not the letter of the law that mattered.
Mankind codified Jesus’ ideas and we have Christianity. I believe Islam did the same with the Prophet, although I do not know the Islamic religion, as well so I am unsure on this point. But I am sure we Christians think in terms of abstractions and did that to Jesus. We codified him or tried to.
The Middle Ages Romantic ideals and the fall of Rome
Contrary to popular believe Christianity actually elevated the role of women in society. From Ancient Rome’s debauchery to the high Middle Ages where females were idealized. In fact, the Church went as far as almost putting the Blessed Mother on par with Jesus as Co-redeemer and emphasize the mythology of the immaculate conception.
Do not get me wrong. I believe in the Blessed Mother and the Rosary with all my heart. I feel this above all prayers of intercession is the most powerful in my personal experience. Yet, I wanted to take a step back examine what is really important to God. That is one’s attitude towards each other and what feelings we have in our hearts.
Also consider in most Christian societies where men were lost to war and disease early, like Colonial America or Anytown, Europe in the Middle Ages, men would marry widows. The chastity lock, really, do you want that back in vogue?
Also consider that ideal is not practical all the time in human life. I mean people use to get married young and not people wait until later. I do not blame women who are fallen and make mistake. As I am not without sin. I believe in forgiveness, the letter of the law is not as important as the spirit of the law.
Here is an innocent joke – A knight has to go to a foreign country and he trusts the key to one of those ‘chastity guard garments’ to his best friend. Five minutes latter, his friend, goes riding after him desperately screaming, ‘it is the wrong key’.
We can skip the next hundred years to the present liberalism of feminism
What began as the genuine liberation of women in the 1920s turned into a wonton hate movement against social convention and men in the 1980s and 1990s. Women flexed their rights and abused them, just because they could.
Today we are left in Western societies with women who smile at guys on the first to third date. I think usually the first date in my experience. After a few hours (or minutes) of meeting a guy, the woman is rolling in the hay with him and doing what is really only meant for her husband on her wedding night.
Is this liberation? Is this good?
Then you get some starry eyes idealistic young man who believes in the Bible and the Word of God and all he has to choose from are these women, who have been with so many guys they know the number but not the names, and even fallen in love so many times it means nothing special any more.
Every girl knows her number, that tells you something. That all is not as it seems for women. Their good times might really them acting out deep desires for love and attention and feeling of unworthiness, to say the least. The psychogensis of a woman’s desire for purity comes from similar thinking about offspring and the need for a devoted provider, which is a sociological benefits of waiting. Divorce and unhappiness are correlated with promiscuous behavior, not to mention disease and broken hearts.
That is why I do not believe in relations outside of marriage.
They are disillusioned also and their dreams have been destroyed also. At some level, even the most harden materialistic would love to be rescued and be that princess lady friend from a fairy-tale, no matter how disconnected she is from the true deeper reality of archetypical.
Part II – How to recover sanity about a Woman’s purity and dating
What is a guy to do?
First lets see which guys are most prone retro-jealousy.
- Guys that had parents argue a lot and even had trouble with alcohol. Drinking seems to intensify and make kids more serious about everything. This takes a lifetime to unravel.
- Guys that have had a religious upbringing in a rule based religion and a high correlation of religiosity in their family, Catholic, Jewish, Islam for example. I tend to think Protestant Christians are more accepting of this as they have less a cycle of guilt and cleansing.
- Guys with self-esteem issues that were picked on or a little bit felt alienated.
- I had a hard upbringing my parents were super strict and I think this exacerbates the desire for purity. It is a little OCD.
- Guys who are prone to jealously (a sin which is also psychologically based).
- Guys that who have by choice or not, had little experience with women.
- Yes considering the above, all guys. I have met some peace and love surfer dude type guys that are not this way from the new wave generation but they are operating at a different level. Most guys feel bad about the current state of women in the West.
My message is this. Try to understand your feelings and understand they are real and have right to be respected. Consider what I have written about why humans have these feelings from a historical perspective. With love and compassion understand these feelings are nothing bad, however, not with righteousness but with compassion. You may be right to the letter of the law, but not to the spirit of the law.
Try to think about the teachings of Jesus and what would he say? Would he condemn anyone? Judge not and you will not be Judged. Is this not real religion? Pray to the Blessed Mother for understanding. Be patient with yourself about these feelings.
Yes but do you have to marry a non-chaste girl? Whatever you want. Just try to be gentle with yourself and look on the world with non-judgment and compassion. This is Jesus and this is religion. Our religion is not easy. It is not a feel good religion. But this is the teaching of Jesus, compassion and he taught it is not our role to judge.
Below I will give you very good resources to examine, but first one more thing.
Realism and a woman’s body
So switch gears on you consider the following points from a realist why purity is not that pure.
Unless a lady lives in a bubble, she has lived an unclean life, even if you marry a good wife. Consider the following. It is meant to be shocking to wake you guys up that women are human not some earthy vessel made of angel hair.
- Male gynecologists have probed her to no end as other doctors. Even me I have had more than one medical ex main for my prostrate. How is not a violation of my body, it sure felt that way. Sure it is medial but you can forgive that but not some girls desire to have a normal life like her peers and have a ‘boyfriend’.
- You want to talk unclean? You think what she did with other guys is nasty and you want to dis her for that? Consider all the places any females rear-end has sat in disgusting places like airport bathrooms. Even how many times a day she does this anyway and what goes on. Women are flesh and blood not a digital picture on the web. Many guys think of women this way metaphorically, as airbrushed dolls because they never really experienced them in day-to-day life and tried to put themselves in their shoes. What if you incarnated into a woman?
- My point is get off your high horse and Glass Menagerie. Think about how C.S. Lewis’ world change when his ideal met reality in his love life. Yes major Christian C.S. Lewis.
What is our true body?
I think I repelled a few women in my quest and inquisition for a pure women. Sometimes my questioning would be like a KGB interrogation and I would make the girl cry. In retrospect of course, I was wrong to be so my judgment on women. But this is human emotion, never clean, always messy. They were not for me. They did not see the world as I did. It is more if the woman regrets or sees it as sinful than if she is or not. This is because our bodies are illusionary and our souls are what are pure or impure. In the next life our bodies will be forgotten and only are souls exist. So you do not want to marry someone with a pure body but a black soul. You want a pure soul and that is all that matters. Did not Jesus say anything from the outside can not make our us impure? It is only what is in our hearts. Some maybe you are the impure one and the girls who have slept with scores of guys are the pure ones.
It is all about their attitude. If they know it is wrong and why, or regret it then it does not matter. But if they put it in your face and reminisce about it then maybe you want to move on. They do not even have to be celibate, just understanding.
Some women go to extremes through surgery to restore their youth and purity. In less developed countries doctors issues certificates (many bogus) to prove this. What folly, think what Jesus would say of this and the society that makes a human feel like this, because of a biological ‘impurity’.
Resources to consider when dealing with feelings of jealously about a woman’s vestal pristine body
- Unbound – Jealously and pride make us obsess over this even further, which infections in our own souls like anger and judgment. Are these attacks from bad spirits? Do demons, if you will prey on our weaknesses? We need to be vigilant that our search for a pure woman is not connected to that. I recommend highly the book Unbound by Neal Lozano. It is an unbelievable book that hits home, I am not a fundamentalist at all, but wow.
- Jungian books – He: Understanding Masculine Psychology, She: Understanding Feminine Psychology, and We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love – or any of the books by Robert A. Johnson
- Beware of Christians – I highly recommend the movie Beware of Christians, it is on NetFlix it is about four guys that go to agnostic Europe and deepen their understanding of what following Jesus means.
- Dante – In Dante’s Purgatory, lust was the least sin there was, as it was inordinate or misdirected love.
- Light film about love – Many of my friends have said they would have no problem marrying a working girl. I have always thought that was strange, too open, but after I saw the movie Mediterraneo, I understand.
In the end, how honest do you want to be about your religion? Tell me if I am wrong, but, God is not an old man in a white rob policing our gentiles from heaven. God does not care if you engage in self-gratification nor condemns you if you have had intimacy. What I believe God does care about is what is in your heart.
Are pure wives better?
This idea you have certainly limits your choices if you think this way. Remember most of life is day-to-day and it is a high price to pay if you restrict your search. Better you find someone who is compatible with and grow spiritually. A girl’s purity is a weak criteria to build a happy relationship with. If pride or honor is holding you back maybe you should again examine this from the above resources I mention, it is really a spiritual battle.
In the end this question is really a spiritual issues.
Best countries to find an untouched woman
So end the end here are a couple of counties to consider if you want a pure woman, if you really, really want to base your search for your soulmate on this criteria. I recommend you search for love and not an untouched woman. I highly recommend this. Further do not go out looking to negotiate or buy a wife. I sometimes things guys want to search the web for the mobile number of a chaste girl, text and chat her up, and after a little interview, import her for marriage. I joke you not, a lot of men think this way. But that goodness women do not.
Also consider, there are many remote countries, but they might be too culturally different. I mean do you really want to date Pygmies in Africa if you are from Connecticut? Maybe, but I would focus on more congruent cultures to your own.
I married a girl from the Polish countryside. But my family is from the Polish countryside. I have some cultural connection and it was easier and natural and unplanned.
I recommend going to Poland and Romania and Italy in Europe and India and Pakistan in the Middle East. There are scores of other countries around the world that have not been corrupted. I lived in Poland and girls really just have one boyfriend and get married. If that is very important to you then maybe consider Poland. I lived there for ten years as my wife is Polish. Yet do not expect to just import one. I moved to the country went native, learned the language and became citizen. This gave me access to women normal Americans would not have.
You can also try Catholic dating and Christian dating etc. There are many match type sites with a little more focus.
If you are not willing to make great efforts you can not expect great reward. Were not the knights in every fairy-tale brave and willing to give their life for their quest? If you want a fairy-tale princess maiden, you have to be a very brace and courageous knight and that includes virtue. Fate and destiny play with us, because when you have developed the virtue to make you worthy, you might not care any more about anything but love.
7 thoughts on “Where to find a pure wife – A Christian approach”
I was raised in a religious family, although I cannot describe it as strict. My dad was a Deacon, sister a nun, brother a Catechist, brother in law a Priest, sister in law principal of a Catholic school.
I personally, never gave much thought to virginity in women, at least not since I matured, As a youth, it seemed some sort of special thing. But, that was long ago when society was different and many girls my age were actual virgins. Sexy, cute, desirable pure ones.
I married a pure woman of 24, and she was not just technically pure, but truly innocent, in mind, body and experience. I cannot say it was anything great. In fact, to a man with any conscience, it is a responsibility, as she is giving you a great gift. Pure girls require special treatment.
I also knew a lady who was untouched 40. She was not as innocent in her ways as the younger, but still nervous about relations, and no, I never got together with her.
In my current search, I almost never even think of it. Mostly because I am older, and many of the ladies I talk to are divorced, and/or have kids, making the issue irrelevant.
Internet, TV and cell phones are changing the world, Westernizing previously purer cultures, to the point even the countries where you could traditionally have a realistic chance of finding an innocent, are no longer like that.
Also consider, technical purity. I can remember in my youth, girls would find ways to please themselves and their boyfriends, while still remaining technically, pure. Obviously, a guy seeking purity in a woman could get fooled by that type, who is not unclean in attitude.
Marry a working girl? Seriously?
I can think of many reasons I would not.
Two street girls and a nun walk onto a football field. What do you call that?
Two wide receivers and a tight end.
Movies like “Pretty Woman” idealize educated princesss as total babes with great attitudes about relations. Most are nasty, diseased, drug-addicted, unclean street trash. Even supposing you find one who is not diseased and/or used up, think of the attitude required to be a educated princess. You want a wife who is willing to do almost anything, with anyone, for a price? If she does not have the self respect to value herself more, what makes you think marrying her will cure her? Would you marry an alcoholic or drug addict thinking that way?
If I were a young, good looking guy, I could imagine holding out for an innocent, as a young guy has time on his side, and if he is good looking, he will have more choices. But for most, I think it would limit your choices to the vanishing point.
There are two kinds of religious experiences growing up, one is easy going and one is legalistic. Even the legalistic ones are open minded in my experience, but if you mix it with other psychological experiences you get a formula for a guy looking for an untouched woman, often obsessively that it exudes him from love and family and children etc. It repels ladys. Not that this is wrong, mind you, it is not, just an idealist that manifests his idealism in a medieval romantic notion of idealism.
It is not wrong to look for a pure girl. It is in fact a good thing. My point is it should not be high on the list of criteria because life is more about making mistakes. It is not your mistakes that matter but your attitude towards them. It sounds cliche and it is, but for someone who is obsessed with finding a big V, it needs to be stated. I was, I do not know why, but it was a combination of my psychology and experiences mixed with my religion and idealism. This is why I wrote the post, because I felt I had insight into jealously and really just wanted to find that one girl who was everything to me.
I was so disillusioned by American girls and their casual attitude towards relations that my strategy went to the dark side. I was to get my numbers up as high as possible until it did not matter to me. Who cares is some lady slept with a handful of guys if I had slept with so many I could not count.
It worked to an extent. It was very immature and hurtful, I had no right to do that. I radically reexamined the whole dating things, decided that purity came from the heart. I also do not believe in relations outside of marriage. I moved to Poland and found a country of people who believed the same, for the most part. But I needed to see my own sins and folly and hurt I created on others and the anger and jealously in my heart before God would open up new avenues for me in life.
I believe with repentance literally comes new life. I also believe like you guys take it way more serious then they need to, and this comes from someone slightly religiously obsessed. But I would say everything changed after I went through my journey to the dark side and back. After I became aware of my quest was misdirect at physical purity not spiritual purity. After that I moved to Poland and found who I was searching for my whole life.
Thank you for the comment. I hope you do not mind I replaced a few so as not to trigger filters in search. Your comments are always welcome as they are interesting to say the least.
Thank you for writing about this topic. C.S. Lewis is a good example of forgiveness. Parents do play a large role in why children become serious about religion. I told my mother I thought pruity was important and she just mocked me. I felt sad because she did not understand. You are right about Poland. When I was in school in America, my classmate was a Polish immigrant. She was very smart, devout and kind. I think when finding a wife I’d like someone at least as good as her.
It is important and that is why I wrote about it. It is not important if the girl is pure or not, but rather her attitude towards it. If a girl is thinking about her old lovers and the great times they had or is she focused on you and has written off the others as youthful mistakes. She see the world as a place of meaning and that includes for me religion and answering the meaning of life question.
All I can say is Poland is a great country and the people there do take love and relationships a bit more serious than my home country of the USA it seems. Here many people take things so disposable and temporary. I see billboards for divorce lawyers everywhere, called ‘family law’.
If guys use innocence as a criteria for searching for a girlfriend, then girls can strict search factors also. Like a guy must have not male pattern baldness in their family, ever. Men and women might have different criteria for searching but the superficiality is manifest the same. And yes it is a little superficial to require this form a woman. I mean as men are you saying you have never had an impure thought?
Do you see how people get separated from the core purpose of finding love?
You are a smart one, Anastasia. How do you think people meet? The superficial nature of people is usually there in the beginning. Impure thoughts can’t be stopped, and the only actual pure things in the world are the things that are not alive such as the sun or the oceans. What do you think the core purpose of finding love is?
Hey, Anastasia. I totally agree with your comment. It seems like there is a bit of a double-standard in this article about how it’s permissible for men to desire a pure lady, whereas there is no mention to men about how a woman may want a pure man for much the same reason as a man would want a pure woman (true love, low disease risk, etc.).
*Note to author* These double-standards are why feminism is still needed so that women are made safe in this world. Feminists don’t actually dislike men, as women (or men) who claim feminism and then attack others on the basis of physical relations are nothing more than powerful men who discriminated against women on this same basis.