Philosophy, Psychology and dating

Why do you not have a girl or guy to date or at least the right one? That is the question. Here is the answer. The purpose of this post is to address the issues of why people are perpetually single or make the wrong choices from a philosophical perspective. Philosophy and epistemology is what makes and breaks hearts.

You want to put away childish things and look at the world with eyes that piece through the veil of reality and get to the root of the matter. With X-ray eyes of perception you will be empowered to choose the right partner in love. It is that simple. So lets start with a deeper look.

If you are out there chasing women, make sure you know what is going on in their multilayered white and grey matter, not just nice legs.

The problem – Reality is stratified and few people see it
German philosopher Georg Hegel and radical Swiss theologian Hans Kung, have correctly argued there is a complex stratification of reality. Life is not just about a what we see experience with our sensory organs which impress on the tabula rasa of our brain and its genetic background. Nor is this idea of a stratification of reality to be interpreted in a supernatural way. Rather it is an epistemological assertions that in addition to the here and now, and obvious day-to-day realm we operate in, there are other layers of reality that influences our lives in concrete ways.

Some of these layers the human brain can understand, others are beyond the physical brain’s ability to comprehend because of its constructional limitations at this point in our evolution. For example, just like a dog can not see colors, because of the limitations of a dog’s brain, it does not mean colors do not exist. Similarly, just because a monkey’s brain does not understand the notion of planetary orbits, gravity or weather patterns, does not mean these things are not real. Yet the dog and monkey’s world is adequately explained in the world they operate in. However, there are things beyond their grasp that are real. Further they all influence their life’s in ways unseen, even if subtly and indirectly.

The question to us is what is beyond the human brain to grasp? Even if determinist Stephen Hawking explains the mysteries of the universe, he has not, because our brains do not have enough physical layers.

Your role as a human is to increase your awareness of the multi-layers of relativity as much as is possible, so to operate in a more effective way as a human. This includes in the critical area of dating and love. When you make mistakes in dating and romance is is most likely because one person or both is not aware of the layers of reality that are in play during the courtship process.

What does the mind map of your search for a husband or wife look like?
  • Consider that if you expand your geographical reach and date foreign women the number of probable matches increases exponentially. It is not just about finding a psychological and philosophical match but about the blocks you have in your brain.  It is all about knocking down walls in your mind. Why not date Indian or Polish women if they are more spiritual and kinder in a higher percentage than you find in your area? If you are a Christian would you date another religion?

Are all carnal mistakes just a matter of ignorance?

Plato asserted that all deviations from virtue was really based on ignorance. A man would not consciously commit an act that would be harmful if they would see the whole reality. Rather what separated a good man from a bad was wisdom. This is true in dating. We make wrong choices not out of intent, but rather imperfect knowledge of the reality of the world. We choose the wrong girls or guys because, we do not see all aspects of their psyche. I believe this is partly true.  Many of use have eyes and ears and brains that understand this at a conceptual level but we still make wrong choices. We know and hear the truth but we are weak.

A common sense conceptual framework to operate your game with – Maslow

The reader’s digest version of what this means when choosing a mate, with an understanding of something like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It could be any conceptual model you like, but leaping with your head as well as your heart in love makes a lot of sense. Of course no one ever does, including myself because like Blaise Pascal said:

The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.

However, I still believe a level of awareness is important to choosing the right mate. And when flirting and dating think of this model below. Look a little closer at life because it might be related to finding the right girl.

When you are looking at individual humans from a psychological standpoint, I have always been partial towards Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in bringing this to a concrete model. Or for a more radical view, Victor Frankel’s Meaning of life question. These are just conceptual models mind you. However, you need to understand how humans interact and operate if you want to choose the right mate. Both psychologist I can recommend that go beyond the self-help books.

Maslow’s view of psychological reality.
  • Regarding the above image – lets be honest here, most women in the USA have an inordinate focus on safety and achievement (respect). I focus on the other three.

Experience with a price
I speak from experience. I have done both. You do not need to go to such extremes as I did, as all magic comes with a price. I paid a heavy toll to become aware. I recommend the middle way. Stay true to your ideals but also your drives and needs. I really do not care about money and honor, I guess I read too much St. Ignatius when I was in my twenties.

Good guys no girls and bad boys whose life has no sweetness
Some of the most philosophical, aware guys I know do not get ladys. This is because they are more rigid in their world views. In contrast, some soccer fans who frequent the pub and are addicted to let’s say metaphorically painted ladies or at least clubbing and picking up ladys, need to not make their life choices like marriage and children based on the reptilian or at least limbic part of their brain.

As a spiritual person and a Christian I recommend focusing on the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
  • It is just one working model was constructed by Maslow. It is not the end all for all understanding of human psychology, yet it is a pretty good model.

How I met the love of my life
I met my wife in Church, kind of. I met her in a club to the beat of house music actually (she was the cordialtest girl in the place). Nine months later after texting her here and there, I saw in Church and after we went for a walk, we stated dating. We have been happily married for years ever since. You want to find a union opposite regions of your brain when mating and dating.

You need to have some congruency in world views in these areas. I believe the closer the better. If you meet a lady that is all about money and security, regardless how cordial she is, and your focus is on the spiritual, eventually you will be like oil and water.

Finding that universal girl

I believe the universal girl is one that is focused on the spiritual as her lower needs are not excessive. Conversely someone who focuses on the lower areas are with only a few and only if the winds of fortune are blowing their way to sustain these needs. It is like being an O negative blood type. If you a spiritual person you can donate to anyone. If you are AB then your choices are more limited to who you can give to.

Love is almost synonymous with compassion. It is listening and really trying to understand another person and all their uniqueness. Their life trauma they have lived through, even if you do not relate to it. Understand where they are coming from. It answers the question why they behave like they do and without judgment accept them. Being supportive and helping them without conditions and with no limits.

Why I picked my wife from the highest and lowest levels

I am a weak, romantic. Like in the Ancient Greek tale, if given the choice between, beauty, honor and wisdom, I would choose beauty. I would want to be so attractive that I would attract the most beautiful girl. I was one of those guys who was thinking about ladys 24/7. I really did not care about impressing people and only minimally concerned with money if at all. Really much of my life I was chasing cordialties. I met my match when I met my wife. When I thought she was the highest level of attraction and then I realized about a year later she was this deep spiritual insightful person.

A concluding recommendation and quick read that illustrates why people are alone
People find it curious that I write, on one hand about cordial ladys so liberally. Yet on the other hand have a serious spiritual practice which means everything to me. These two ideas seem contradictory. They are not. Further, understanding the dynamics of your brain is important for you and you finding the love you deserve. I recommend the novella by Herman Hesse called Narcissus and Goldmund.

The story takes place in a Catholic Monastery. It is a story of two friends. Narcissus is a brilliant teacher and philosophical master, he stays confined in the walls. Think of Sheldon Copper in a monks rob. In contrast, Goldmund goes into the world to live an appetitive life of debauchery with lovers and sensual delights. At the end of their lives they come together and discover they are two halves of the same person. There are some guys out there that are like Narcissus and some like Goldmund. My point is you want to be both if you want to attract the love of your life.

Like Narcissus many guys epitomize the male analytical brain and good virtue, yet lack the flexibility to bend the rules. It is no coincidence that the analytical rule following one is named Narcissus. There are a lot of lonely good men out there. They take psychological refuge in their walls of their ideals.

In contrast, like Goldmund others are just living everyday as players and as if would be their last. Someday they will be right, and find their last day and are alone. A life without morals is even worst and if you do not end up in the gutter with the other rats, and with passing years you will regret your life.

Author: Mark Biernat

I live in with family between two worlds, US and Europe where I create tools for language learning. If you found my site you probability share my passion to be a life long learner. Please explore my site and comment.

3 thoughts on “Philosophy, Psychology and dating”

  1. Quite good Mark.

    Women often say that men choose based on looks. This is not quite accurate. Men choose whom they will consider that way. If you interest him physically, he will consider you for hi affections.

    In my experience, two things that are important are intelligence, and faith. I think it is hard for people of highly different faiths to work things out, since this is critical to the spiritual.

    Also, two people of sharply different intelligence are never going to establish a true spiritual contact.
    I do believe, as you, that the spiritual aspect is the most important, and binds the others, which will follow.
    Of course I have read much of your writings, and understand what you mean. Idealistic, noble, uplifting.
    Spiritually idealistic people believe in and seek a higher level in their relations. Whereas, non-spiritual seem to use Rom-Coms as their romantic standard.

    I can tell you this, if you are not at least vaguely resembling the physical ideal, your search will be long and frustrating.
    But, if you want real, lasting love. If you want a deep bond between you, that unbreakable connection, seek the spiritually idealistic.

    1. I have to agree with you on the precise way you expressed this. Popular culture will flood many people with misguided messages that women choose on looks. I disagree. The times I was unemployed and not attractive (for various reasons, horrible adult acne, when I first came back from Europe I was a beanpole (surviving on French bread) and other reasons). To my surprise I was still getting a lot of dates, if not the most in my life. Women did not seem to care about looks or money. When I was in Boston and wearing Brooks Brothers and making cash, I was blown off by a lot of women in my poor and ugly times I was not. If you are stylish it helps. But there are much more important forces in play. Women in my experience do go for faith an intellect.

      If a person man or woman were to develop their intellectual side while living a pious life and maybe know something about style (even if it is only from Walmart) they would be virtually unstoppable in terms of getting the dates they want.

      Non-spiritual people might use romantic comedies (I like Rom-Coms) or some other cultural backdrop of measure or guide, however many are just not thinking too abstractly.

      One point I make is free will and awareness are almost synonymous. If you are not aware of something how can you freely exert a choice. For example, if a person whose house is sitting on an environmental hazard is unaware of this fact, how can he analysis and decide on the cost/benefit of moving or disposing of his property. Similarly if one is not aware that there are not only physical laws which operate in our universe based on physics, then chemistry, next biology which can be describe with math, but also spiritual, the ones determinate criteria for mate selection might not result in an optimal selection. These spiritual laws have a real cause and effect (I do not believe it is so simple as many popular books suggest). I also think women are more aware instinctively of these and this is why I agree with you, that you find someone with a spiritual connection it is an unbreakable bond.

      My parents have been married like 65 years and they have this. I have this with my wife and we have unsuspectingly become the quintessential model of what many people around us consider a happy family. I do not care about that of course, but prayerful connections will bond people more than monetary or DNA dating, or something.

  2. I would have to concur that universally women of faith are the most desirable. Me personally, I like to date regardless of religion and culture, as long as they have some. I prefer Christian women mostly, because I favor the way they act towards others in my experience and find that more important in the dating process, more important then anything else.

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