How to be a good wife or girlfriend

Good wife or girlfriend – the real guide

I think I can count on my left hand the number of times a girl apologized to me before I met my wife. I am not talking girlfriends but generally at work or anywhere. I do not know why. However, after I met my wife, and when we had a disagreement or even if it was a perceived wrong, with sincerity of heart she really apologized.

My first reaction was like ‘what just happened here?’. A girl with an open heart sincerely asking forgiveness? I am no chauvinist. In fact, I have this same attitude. It is what I learned from reading the Bible in my youth. I do not know if I am a good person or not, but I do know that really saying you are sorry without any ‘but you have to see it my way also’ in conjunction with the apology. No just I was wrong is the point. Just I am sorry, I really was wrong, period, is a very good thing. Give up your need to be right.

If you want to be a better girlfriend or wife sincerely apologizes with all your heart, with no if, ands or buts.

Humility is the sweetest virtue from which all others flow. Let me explain. When I met my wife she said, ‘I do not know if I am a good person’, or sometimes ‘I am a bad girlfriend’. I had never heard anyone say this before. It is total humility. Total surrender. I was use to girls telling me how great they were.

America is a very competitive society (from which I come and am partially programmed by). Countless women I know would talk about all the great things they achieved, even subtly dropping their titles at work or working into the conversation where they went to school. They just like to put it out there. Then they would unconsciously categorize or rank their date on his social economic status. Oh how stressful and base is this to have a girlfriend who cares about such petty things.

In stark contrast, with my wife I did not know she even graduated from high school until a year and a half of dating. It turned out she has a Masters degree from a top school and a few years of Medical school after that. She never mentioned it, nor would she, unless I made her confess. In fact she intentionally avoided any self praise or mentioning anything she accomplished in her life, because she does not believe life is about that. She simply tries her best one day at a time. She does not care about titles or degrees or anything else, but rather who you are as a person. To be a good human is a much better goal than being something great as judged my society.

To be a good girlfriend or wife, understand life is not about showing up or impressing but about genuine humility.

When a person sees their own faults or perceived faults it makes it opens the possibility of improvement.

Always support your partner – never put anyone before your family

If your partner tell you they want to go to the moon, tell them OK, I will help build the rocket. No matter how crazy they might seem or wrong, love them and support them. Always be loyal. Look some women have boyfriend that are in jail and they are 100% loyal in mind and actions. On the other hand, I have meet perfectly good men who have had wives and girlfriends talk about them to their girlfriends in a negative way.

Once you decide to be with someone, do not give up no matter what. If your parents are the problem or whatever, choose your spouse. If me or anyone of my happily married friends allowed our parents input than we would not be married today.

The greatest way you can honor your parents is grow away from them and live your own life. This idea goes hand in hand with support your partner no matter what. Do not let your friends ever have input in your relationship.

good girlfriends and good wives do not talk about their men to other women, except in an exceptional way.

The only thing that changes people is love

A friend of mine, Fr. Gene once told me, the only thing that changes people is love. It is true you know. It is always easier to criticize and argue but to accept is the best. Acceptance and love is the only possibility to make the rough edges in someone will become smooth. It take lots of patience to accept someone. I call it ‘acceptance therapy’. My wife’s friend Marisa says these are the steps I have to take to get to heaven.

So if you see something that you do not like in your partner, maybe it is something that you do not like in yourself. People who try to change others, are people who have their own problems they are not addressing. So do not cast stones at your husband or boyfriend if you want to be a good wife or girlfriend.

Do not be a pain in the neck for your husband to be a good wife

Be happy to be a good wife -Do not blame – do the things that will make you happy. It is very unfair to blame someone or say ‘I gave so much for this relationship’. If you are doing something against yourself then change it. If you do not like the way you look, go open his wallet and go to the mall and buy a nice dress. The point is do not blame other that you are unhappy, make yourself happy and love this person even more. If you will be happy than the whole family will be miserable. Be a happy girl to be a good wife. I mean what if your husband was complaining all the time? It is very hard to imagine that someone would not like your behavior. We always think we are right. But see the other person’s view point.

Do not choose a frog. This is the real secrete to being a good girlfriend or good wife.

The real secret to being a good wife or girlfriend

Choose the right man. No matter how hard you try, if the guy is not on the same spiritual path as you in life or any spiritual path, it will be a hard life. If I married a non spiritual person, life would be a hard road. Why? Faith in God takes great humility and trust. It says, I am not the center of the universe, but rather I am nothing in the measureless gulf of eternity of before and beyond. This humility, gives you great power. There is a power in being powerless. It means love can flow and fill your life. You will be a channel for divine love and forgiveness. And this will be manifest in your marriage or relationship.

To choose your one and only one true love is the real trick. How do you know it is him? My answer is he has to prove it. He has to win your heart and capture you not matter how many times your run away. Women are all about fears. He has to conquer your fears, storm your castle (despite the legions of orcs you send forth to dissuade him), rescue you and bring you to a green meadow so you forget about everything. He has to believe in you more than you believe in yourself or anything. He has to turn your world so upside down so that you have no choice to surrender in love.

Other small ways to be a good wife or good girlfriend

  • Cook and do not make a big deal out of it.
  • Doing little sweet things make you a good wife – My wife is always doing little things for me.
  • Do not talk about or mention or think about any ex flames. Or only do so in regret if he brings it up in jealously. Or that you never had a boyfriend. If you really love your man, you are with him, not those other guys that did not work out. It amazes me the amount of girls that talk about their ex boyfriends. My statement is go to them now if he is he is still on your mind. Your relationship is sacred and you should be honored to be with your partner and they should be the only person in the world.
  • Jealously is good – Hey showing little jealously is OK. I mean we are all narcissistic and want to know someone cares. It spices it up when your partner is jealous and wants only you. You trust each other but this is romantic love not one of your buddies.
  • Give sincere praise – Find something in your man’s looks that you really love. Make him feel special in looks and brains.
  • He is your husband and you are his wife. His your only one. It has to be ‘us’ and we must communicate – is the only way it can be.
  • Be the guardian of the relationship – Teach your man that the relationship is sacred. Going out with the guys all the time or looking at other women is something that is best for love.
  • Be an attractive girl – read my article on how to be attractive.
Being an attractive girlfriend or wife is not what you might thing. It goes against conventional wisdom on the subject.

The bottom line, to me being good in marriage and love it all comes down to your spirituality and faith in God. This message teaches us what it means to be a good human better than any I know. It is like a guidebook, I do not know why people discount it.  What other ideas great or small do you have to be a good girlfriend or how to be a good wife do you have?  Do you agree or disagree with my conception of a good wife or girlfriend?

35 Replies to “How to be a good wife or girlfriend”

  1. Thank you so much, Mark! A very happy new year to you and your wife. I am still reading this article and will comment on it’s content but wanted to thank you for making this article as I would love to know what traits men really want in a partner. Thanks! 🙂

    1. Thank you. And of course, the same goes for men. I mean although this was written about women, the same applies to men of course. The man must be the true champion of his princess. He has to do this with the same humility an forgiveness. Basically in marriage both people have to surrender themselves to the other and give up the need for being right. The need for being right is a huge problem in relationships.

  2. You’re advice of being humble and not bragging is the best relationship advice I have ever received. I think in the competitive, cut throat world in which we live we are taught to be very aggressive and outspoken at a very young age. I am ashamed to say that I myself am guilty of talking back to men I really cared about and being more concerned with being right than being with the man! A big mistake indeed as those relationships never developed further. However, now I am understanding that we women mustn’t treat men as workplace competition but as our partners. We must look out for their happiness, success, and well being as they must look out for ours (but each gender in it’s own unique way).

    I also agree that a woman who cooks will have no problem attracting quality men. It is a very feminine characteristic and brings out a woman’s natural tendency to nurture others.

    Thank you! Great article!

    1. I know many a women back home in Boston where I am from who are dragons in business, but they are 40 something and not married. But again the same goes for men. I men what woman would want to date a man who was egotistical and could not see things from another view point. This is very selfish and immature.

      Real love is when two people have the same ideal and that is the ‘Us’ is more important than the ‘I’, always. I do not know why people do not see this simple point. Often American women (and men) are taught early on to win. To be right, oh look at my resume. How cares, is my reply. The last generation had a high premium on being right and in terms of wars and messed up kids, there was a price. To be a good wife (or husband) drop the need to be right.

      I think people need to step back from the Matrix and look at how they have been programmed. I am a business guy, but I am in no way going to put my job before my wife. You have to ask yourself what is ultimately important in life.

      Take a look around and see all the movies stars or politicians or millionaires, pumped with ego and with tragic relationships. In contrast, I know a number of people who have been married for over 50 years, just humbly living their lives. You have to ask yourself which is the better way.

  3. if Roxanne is still single,
    i’m very interested..in her.-
    just today ‘stumbled’on this site,
    and read with interest some of the articles/comments..

    i just have no clue how to directly
    contact her on here.

    regards,steve

  4. Mark, I couldn’t agree more. The person who is arrogant and self absorbed loses the compassion and warmth of others. Narcissism is not attractive and the need to be right is simply an extension of narcissism and both of these are qualities of an insecure person. Only a woman who is insecure about her own identity (ie. a feminist) and needs validation is always defensive and angry. She attacks you first because deep down she fears that you will attack her. I know this for a fact because I have seen many women do it and have been (ashamedly) this woman, too (although I am trying to make it a thing of the past). A truly confident person needn’t argue over every issue because the relationship is more important to them than self validation.

    Hey Steve,

    I’m single ;). I love visiting this website because it’s unconventional and honest. Women should be thanking Mark for giving us free relationship-saving advice rather than bashing him! I can testify that the advice Mark gives here does work in real life because it works with human nature, not against. I really appreciate his advice and hope he continues to blog for years to come!

  5. No Steve, you are too late, me and Roxanne already married. 😀

    Roxanne, Kya tumane hamari shaadi ka ananda? 😀

    Now to the point:
    The best way a woman can be a good girlfriend or wife, is first and foremost to honor her husband/boyfriend as the authority, head and king of the marriage/relationship and house. Cooking, sowing, cleaning, laundry, raising children are not a curse, but rather a blessing. The bible, my religious book, talks about the structure of a good family and marriage.

    Many people of the modern world, consider the hierarchical structure of marriage to be repressive and antiquated. So, most marriages try to formulate a structure based on a fantasy utopian image of a two-male household. Basically, the wife is turned into a masculine figure who also works a busy career and, like the husband, is a breadwinner. Only, this time you have to breadwinners, competing for power over the throne and since both are focused on enhancing their financial status and career, both will be taken from their homes. In the case of most families from the Eastern world, the women will expect their traditional mothers to raise their kids. However, more and more children in the Western World, who don’t come from traditional families, are raised in institutionalized day-care centers, where they have the privilege of seeing their parents for a couple hours a day before they sleep.

    Hot and S_xy dressed girls who are pursuing multiple-PhDs and are expecting a man to appease all their fantasies and shower them with extra gifts to supplement their salaries from their own careers are basically really crappy girlfriends and wives. Many women only marry up, even if they are making triple digits.

    Narcissist and American Woman are synonymous. It seems they are trained from birth to be demanding and selfish. Usually, its only boys in this country learn the meaning of manners, respect and sacrifice. Most American women learn to be conniving, demanding, greedy and self-absorbed.

  6. Lol, Yonathan, you’re cute and crack me up. 🙂

    I cannot speak for other women but to me being a housewife and mother and being domestic seem very natural and comfortable. I feel upon having children, career women should work less and spend more time at home. I definitely plan to do this someday when I am married and have a family. The quality of life for the children is much better when the parents spend more time with them rather than working long hours, especially when the mother spends more time with them.

  7. “If you do not like the way you look, go open his wallet and go to the mall and buy a nice dress.”

    …What? This is one of the most chauvinistic relationship posts I have read in a very, very long time. Just to address a few parts of this post:

    “He has to win your heart and capture you not matter how many times your run away.” This is the mantra of many guys, which often leaves women with the man that they think is “nice” but they have no interest in. That man thinks that she must be playing hard-to-get, and tries harder and harder to flirt, be with her, while she does not want him, no matter what he does. But she must be running away, so the guy keeps trying and trying, making himself feel horrible and making her hate him.

    “Cook and do not make a big deal out of it.” Sure, if you’re good at cooking and enjoy it. If you hate cooking or burn everything you try to cook but you love to do something else, do that for him. Why should you have to cook? Maybe the to-be husband enjoys cooking, you don’t, but you won’t tell him because you’re trying not to make “a big deal” out of it. So he’s forcing himself to eat the food that isn’t that great because you’re not great at cooking and/or don’t enjoy it, and he can’t cook himself because you’re trying to do all the cooking like “a good wife”. No one should be taking the roles everyone else thinks they should take in a relationship if it doesn’t work for them. If a traditional, woman cooks and cleans and man works relationship is what you both want, go for it, no one’s stopping you. But if it’s not what you want, then don’t pretend it is just to make someone happy.

    As far as not mentioning where you went to school or what kind of education you have – I don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether or not I graduated HIGH SCHOOL. I personally put a high value on intelligence in a relationship. I don’t think my man has to be objectively attractive (I’ve dated plenty of men that aren’t), but having some sort of intelligence is very important to me. Following from that, if a man values their intelligence enough to get a good education, it makes me more interested in them. If I know someone is intelligent and instead of using their gift to educate themselves chose to squander it by dropping out of high school or not working to the best of their abilities, it’s a value that I don’t want in another person. On the same vein, I don’t want a man who doesn’t value my intelligence. It’s an important part of me, and a part of me that I worked hard on. I’ve spent years cultivating my education, why should I feel the need to hide it from my significant other? It seems logical that if it’s a large part of your life, you SHOULD share it, or else leave your significant other wondering why you felt the need to hide it from them.

    As far as never having heard “I am a bad girlfriend” from someone, I’m not sure where you came from. I know plenty of people that have low self-esteem. I have friends who constantly tell me about how bad a person they are and want me to cheer them up and disagree with them. It gets OLD. One of the most common ways to make a less attractive woman seem better is for her to have complete and total confidence in herself. If she’s comfortable in her own skin, knows where she is beautiful and where she is not, she doesn’t need validation from others. She doesn’t need to badtalk herself so other people can say the right thing and make her feel like she’s worth something. If you have no self-worth, how can you ever survive when you’re NOT in a relationship?

    There are plenty of good points in this article (saying sorry with no conditions, be happy, choose the right man, among others), but the rest of the article is so ridden with treating women like you believe they should be treated that it almost negates everything else said. The first quote that I put in this comment was the final straw for me personally (Do I not have a right to earn money ever? Am I required to wear dresses because I am a woman? Am I attractive if I wear nice clothes? The questions are endless).

    Do you also believe that if a woman wants to work and a man wants to stay home with the children that the woman is a bad wife, even if the husband loves her independence and wants her like that? I guess she must be. If a woman WANTS to cook, devote herself entirely to a man, lose who she is and become entirely who he is, etc, then I have no problem with them choosing that. But if a woman wants to work, then what problem is there with her choosing a man that doesn’t have a problem with her working?

    Although I’m sure I could rant more on this subject and the people that read this website regularly (based on categories such as “Middle Eastern girls” and “Indian Girls”), I have a boyfriend to meet. I’m sorry that he knows that I graduated high school, since we met at our mutual prestigious university. I guess I’m a bad girlfriend.

  8. Sorry for the negative comments about some Eastern Europeam women earlier, that came from what our media has created about Russians.Ive met lots of nice Polish women, my highschool teacher being my favorite teacher. I really looked up to her in school. She knew 5 languages and to me at 15, that was impressive. She also dressed well and was beautiful. Your wife sounds like one amazing woman. She is very pretty too.

  9. So where do single American women who are opposite of the majority of women go to find love? What part of the world has the most men who believe like you do? Because I havent met very many that are still single in the US.

  10. The only thing I can suggest is maybe try the countries where the culture favors the entire family. Mark (the Admin) talks about a huge percentage of the Polish population that attend Catholic mass weekly. You could also try Belarus, Latvia, Lithuania, or even Russia. By the way, if you go to any of the big cities such as Minsk or Moscow, be careful because they will probably have people with similar attitudes of the ones you meet in your Scottsdale area or even worse like the ones in NYC. One of my strategies is to visit the local small towns and villages as those tend to produce the friendliest people with the best values. That tends to apply to just about every country but most frequently in Eastern Europe, Russia and South America as much of those countries are agricultural.

    1. I am surprised I did not see this comment earlier. I would recommend Russia and other Eastern European countries, especially the villages. However, not only. Most of my friends in Moscow really want to be good wives. If they have a husband being nice, understanding and patience goes hand in hard with being a good girlfriend or wife.

      I am not politically correct and if a woman does not know how to cook there is something wrong going on with her. Cooking is an expression of love. If a girl does not cook for her boyfriend or husband she is not in love or at least does not know how to express it. She does not have to make the best borscht in town but she should at least try.

      I am not anti-western by any means but I do not know how guys tolerate much of the behavior girls from the west pull when they are in a relationship.

      1. Katya, most of us don’t know any better because we men were raised under feminist culture. We are taught from a young age of what men’s responsibilities are and yet I never hear anything about women’s responsibilities such as cooking. Have you ever seen The Matrix? Think of it that way, our minds are plugged into it. This is the only reason us guys here ‘tolerate it.’ Most of us are not happy and we don’t know why. There are deeper reasons involved but I don’t think you would believe me if I told you.

        I agree with what you say, a woman doesn’t need to cook the best food. Most of us guys are easy to please when it comes to food. I have a couple of room mates, and one of them has his girlfriend over all the time. I have yet to see her pick up a pot and pan and cook something for him. He is always cooking for himself.

        “I would recommend Russia and other Eastern European countries, especially the villages.”

        Do you honestly think that the villages are an option? The Russian fellow Obezyan seems to disagree. What are your thoughts on this?

        1. Most of many of my friends are not from Moscow but come from all over Russia and beyond. Moscow is simply a center and the largest city in Europe.
          The girls from the countryside really are nice girls. Despite maybe stereotypes, they are not simple or ignorant. They grew up in fresh air and with food grown in local gardens and parents that spent a lot of time with them, or at least their grandparents. Family life is important.

          Many of these girls have dreams of leaving their village life behind, but this does not mean they want to embrace western living, simply they want to live in Moscow or travel to Western Europe.

          They tend to be more religious and less cynical.

          However how would you meet them? That is the question. The uneducated ones often date early and marry early. But that does not mean anything.

          The educated do not want to always want marry the Russian guy from the village just simply like you do not want to marry some girl from your home town. There is no excitement or perhaps not match.

          Basically if you want to meet girls from the countryside meet them by doing something in the small towns. In villages, there are often towns that are adjacent to the surrounding villages and these have coffee shops.

          However, a better way, I think Admin recommended going to resort places where Russian girls go, like Crimea or even Egypt. There you can meet Russian girls on vacation. Or places in the summer they might go like lakes. If you speak any Russian at all they are approachable.

          This is not Western Europe or American. Girls will be grateful that you are talking to them and find it fun you are practicing Russian – most likely funny – or they want to practice English.

          They want to get married. They want to have a family. They do not care about money as they are use to living with less. They do care about if you are a gentle caring person.

          I wish I could set up some of my girlfriends up with half the people I know that ask about this but they are not into the Internet dating scene. Therefore, if you want to meet these sweet Russian wild flowers from the forest or village you have to use your imagination and creativity.

          You will be rewarded. Instead of wasting time trying to date an American girl, that same energy could be applied to using your creative brainwaves to meet a marry a Russian girl from the village who wants to love and be love and dreams of it.

          Russian population is decreasing for many reasons, but my friends want to have babies and reverse this trend, not for national reasons, but because they want to be mothers and wives.

          If you want to know something very specific (or general) about Russia let me know. 

          1. I married a country girl from Eastern Europe. She is beautiful has a Master’s degree and graduate work after that and my true one and only soul mate. Why would you put limits on yourself as to thinking your soulmate needs to be from a town or city. What if your soulmate is living in a Siberian village. It is the man’s role to find his princess and rescue her.
            Preconcieved notions are of little use when it comes to playing to win.

          2. I do have some questions, Katya. Your insight is appreciated.

            “Basically if you want to meet girls from the countryside meet them by doing something in the small towns. In villages, there are often towns that are adjacent to the surrounding villages and these have coffee shops.”

            Okay, so go to the coffee shops, what about other types of events such as festivals? Where else should I go in the towns? I guess I have to work on my Russian. I probably will sound funny when I try to speak it, these girls will be entertained at the least.

            “I wish I could set up some of my girlfriends up with half the people I know that ask about this but they are not into the Internet dating scene.”

            I don’t blame them, I’m not into it that much either. There are simply too many variables involved and you never truly know who the other person is until you actually meet them in person.

            Also, one more question. Do you think there is a cultural difference between eastern(Siberia) and western Russia?

          3. There are cultural differences between Siberia and Western Russia like in the USA between the East coast and the West. On one hand, it is all Russia.
            On the other, hand it has a very different political and historical experience. The climate is harder and people are more isolated.
            However, human nature is pretty universal and you are dealing more with human nature issues when it comes to love and marriage.

            What I mean by that the differences between Eastern Siberia and Western Russia are not as important as the qualities of the individual of course. Some girls might want to escape, some girls are seeking true love.

            I think any guy who can not tell the difference between these two types of girls deserves what they get. I know love is blind but please, look at the girls attitude towards life.

            Most Russian girls are good girls. The reports of scammers are more concentrated on a few Russian dating sites. But if you go to Russia no girls I have meet are like that.

            Just like in the USA if you sign up for a cheap unknown online mortgage website as opposed working in the normal way, do not expect everything to be the same.

            But in Siberia or western Russia in the villages I can assure you that there are countless good girls dreaming of their prince. I think there are more princess in Russia than any other country if you define them as good girls who dream of being a good wife and bride and making a home for their family peaceful and loving and warm.

            More places to meet girls from villages in Russia:
            Go to the small shops.

            Go to the Saturday morning market where they sell jeans, household items and food.

            There markets are where the whole village comes out and interacts and is easy to talk to people. People are nice and will talk English or Russian to you.

            However, beside the local food store and the village saturday morning markets in the towns often there is not a lot going on in small town village Russia.

            I would suggest instead of a world tour of Russian villages which will take you forever, try to go an meet Russian girls at vacation spots or mix village and vacation spots if you are serious about finding a Russian bride.

            Also do not rule out big cities. In Moscow there are millions of single Russian girls, many who have origins from the village that come for school and work. They are educated and retain good values.

            If you go to clubs and discos for western guys you will find a mix of girls but if you go to normal places Russian girl go in Moscow or St. Petersburg, from cafes to parks you will find a wife. In fact, it would be hard not to unless there is something wrong with the way you act or a vibe you put out.

            If you scare girls away it does not matter if you are in the USA or Russia you will have an uphill battle trying to find someone.

            You could also try medium-sized historic towns like Yekaterinburg, a little far out but nice or Novgorod which is nice also.

            It depends on your budget and your time. But I guess what I would do if I were looking for a good wife, I would focus on small town and villages girls but maybe in the cities like Moscow and St. Petersburg because of the logistical travel requirements. St. Petersburg has a different feel than Moscow, it is more cultural and historic, Moscow is more like New York, St. Petersburg more like San Francisco but colder.
            There are hundreds of villages in-between these two big cities by the way and trains going between these cities all the time. You can get off on some village you through a dart at on a map and the next day board the train again.

            If you have any questions please ask. I do not know if I helped. But as long as you have a travel visa to Russia and some sense of being able to chat with girls you should have no problem finding a nice wife. Knowing some of the Russian language and maybe who Gogol and Turgenev are would not hurt either. But know what you are looking for or you will get someone else.

          4. Katya, I do not know if I scare girls away or not. I haven’t really chatted with any for a few years, so I might need some practice. I won’t know until I try. You are a big help to me, Katya. I like being able to learn about that place from someone who lives there. I do not know if I am a ‘prince’ as you put it. I am probably more like a squire, would those girls be okay with that?

            As far as the timing goes, my trip to Russia is going to have to wait until I have finished school and plan for it long term. I will probably take your advice about finding Russian girls in vacation spots. I am definitely serious about it.

            Another question, what are the most common topics that Russian girls like to talk about? What are some common hobbies and interests?

          5. Russian girls are like girls everywhere. It is the same idea but different culture. So your best topic if you have nothing to chat about is talk about the English language and how you or they learned it. Every thinking girl has an interest in this.

            Second, the world is large and comparing cultures is another interesting topic. Everyone is interested in this. Don’t you like to compare and contrast your culture to others when you meet foreigners?

            What is it like to live in Russia? What is a Small town like? Why is the economy in Russia like it is, where is going? Travel, where do you go, why, what is the best places to see?

            This is just ice breaking things, but you need to personally have more depth to carry a conversation or it will have a lot of awkward pauses unless you are a funny guy.

            I would say this, a lot of guys think they must approach a girl in a certain way. This goes under the idea of how to pick up girls.

            Here is the secrete we girls keep in the forbidden city. What a guy is about is often apparent not by what he is saying but who he is.

            What do I mean? I mean who you are right now, for good or bad, is the sum total of your all your experiences and self-education. If you conduct your life in a way that is focused on self actualization and development, than you have a good base to talk to any girl. Really, if you can talk about Mozart or whatever you are passionate about, girls will love you even if it is not their interest. They want to fall in love with you not some artificial facade you put out there.

            However, one more spin to this, is you do need to know how to flirt and smile and be a charmer (not a jester). If you combine this with depth of personality you are all set.

            Watch the movie Kate and Leopold and how Leopold teaches Charlie to woe the object of his affection a waitress. Watch that scene in the restaurant and how Leopold takes a different tactic than Charlie. Charlie is a gerrymander whilst, Leopold is a charmer.

            I know this is contrary to the guy approach of taking different lines and approaches to pick up girls, but it is effective even more.

            Sure you can play ‘the jerk’ and maybe you will get a few girls into this, or play ‘the comedian’ and even more girls will like you, but better is play you. You can develop your looks – looks are developed not given – look at girls we develop our looks. But this will only get you a few dates.

            Focus on developing yourself and being passionate about something.

            If you think you scare girls away, I guess my first question is, do you feel comfortable being you? Most people do not. They feel awkward and shy.

            This makes girls react the same as girls are even more awkward and shy then most guys. Then no one gets anywhere.

            What is wrong with you? What do you look like? Why is it that you lack confidence in meeting girls? Talk to me. I am not trying to hurt you but rather trying to understand where you are coming from in terms of your dating.

            The most general answer to your question is Russian girls go for intelligent guys. They like smart guys that know something about Russian culture and the world. That being said, I need more information about you generally.

          6. “Focus on developing yourself and being passionate about something.”

            I’ve been doing that for the past 3-4 years, and I still haven’t come off the assembly line. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I’ve never heard of that movie with Kate and Leopold, and I had to google the term gerrymander because I’ve never heard of it. It sounds like this Charlie would have made a better candidate for public office than a date for Kate. Either way, I will make a note to check out this movie that you speak of. You have some good ideas for ice breakers so thank you for that.

            As far as developing my looks, the only muscle that I have time to work on is the one that counts. That is the one that is in my head. The rest can wait for a later time. I honestly don’t remember the last time I was on any sort of date. It must have been about 4-5 years ago, but I am not counting the years.

            “What is wrong with you? What do you look like? Why is it that you lack confidence in meeting girls? Talk to me. I am not trying to hurt you but rather trying to understand where you are coming from in terms of your dating.”

            It is hard to explain when you are on the opposite side of the spectrum. For my looks, are you asking about height, weight, eye color, hair color, skin tone, etc? I need you to be more specific. Confidence comes with a formula that has taken me years to figure out. Can you tell me what that formula is, Katya? For me it isn’t a question of confidence, but more an issue of being realistic. Since you are asking about general information about me, I can honestly tell you that I’m not sure what information you are looking for since I am never asked that. Perhaps some history about me and where I intend to go professionally, and maybe some personal ambitions?

            I just thought of another question for for you, Katya. Theoretically, if I were to get a date with a girl in Russia after meeting her. What are some guidelines that the Russian people tend to follow? For example, I hear it is considered rude if you do not fill the glass of a choice beverage for the person you are with in a social situation. Is that true?

          7. Without too much over analysis, as people who are single and do not date tend to over analysis and criticize themselves too much, girls included, what happens every time you chat with a girl?

            Ok lets say you see a pretty girl, Russian or not. Then you walk up to her and chat with her. What happens?

  11. “good girlfriends and good wives do not talk about their men to other women, except in an exceptional way.”

    Yeah, well I agree on that one. But the same goes for men. No disrespecting your wives. That means you don’t hang out in str_ p clubs when you’re out with your buddies.

    A note on this, I followed this rule with my husband until very recently, until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to break it, and had to talk to my parents and my best friend. Trust me it was a very serious situation, I needed help and advice, desperately. Short of this, though, I highly agree: no gossip to the girlfriends always whining and gossiping about your spouse. Have a little respect, both genders.

    1. I personally do not go out with my friends but stay with my wife 24/7 so there is no problem like this. If there is anything to talk about I talk to my wife about it, not my buddies and I certainly do not go to any clubs.

  12. To Guyver.
    Russia is not an agricultural country. We want but we can not buy russian vegetables such as potatoes, carrots, etc. We eat low quality chinese garlic. Our fields are weedy.

    About girls and guys.
    IMHO there are lots of attractive girls and guys in Moscow but not for ‘true love’. Do not visit russian villages. You have no chance to meet your ‘princess’ there. Try small towns about 10^6 of people. If you want a princess who was born after 1990 do not visit Russia. You should look for a princess who was ‘made in USSR’.

    Sincerely,
    Obezyan

    1. Ukraine is the bread basket, but Russia is cold and many people have small summer guardens in Russia with lots of vegetables.
      About girls, the best are small towns but many small town girls move to Moscow or St. Petersburg. St. Petersburg is very cultual and you can meet many girls working in a lab or something that are very nice.

  13. ‘Russia is cold.’ It is a typical american myth, that Russia has no anything except snow and vodka. First, Russia is big. Our climate and areas make it possible to produce enough potatoes to feed the world. It was so ‘cold’ in Moscow last summer that polish and canadian embassies escaped. 🙂
    A small garden is the best but too expensive solution for the average russian.
    ‘Many small town girls move to Moscow or St. Petersburg’. I think some (not many) girls move to Moscow – who has wealthy parents or husband. For the better understanding compare costs of square meters in Moscow and incomings in small russian towns.
    I have not seen any difference of culture levels between young people of Moscow and St. Petersburg.

  14. Obezyan,

    Thank you for your advice on where to go to meet that special someone in Russia. I do appreciate it. When I said that it is agricultural, I didn’t mean all of it but maybe a certain percentage. It was a broad statement. Why do you say look for a girl who is born before 1990? Do you think that Russian girls born after this have become too materialistic like the western girls in my country? I’m interested to hear your thoughts on this.

  15. Why 1990? It is the experimental fact.
    I can try to give you some theoretical = philosophical = disputable foundations.

    1. It is well known that the moral values are going down step-by-step not only in Russia. It is a global tendency. I think the moral values of each person depend on what this person do after school hours. Different hobby groups were popular in Soviet Union. Now we have alcoholic kiosks at each school and university where schoolchildren can buy anything. Let’s consider the nearest Moscow school for example. There are 5 (!) alcoholic kiosks at 85, 110, 120, 160 and 170 meters’ distance from the school. Young people absolutely legally can buy synthetic drugs (spice that was developed in the US) at 160 meters’ distance from the school. These drugs are very cheap. We do want chinese laws. 🙂 Western materialistic values are imposed on people by the media. Remember american serials. Girls do like serials. From this point of view participation in hobby groups (music for example) is not cool. Of course not all of young people are drug addicts but ~99% of them share western materialistic values. Why do they go to the alcoholic kiosk? They have excess of energy and time. Binge is easier and cooler than music or something else.

    2. The demographic crisis arose in Russia in 1990. It is the fact (not a philosophy). There is little probability that you will meet a girl described by Mark. In my opinion the reason of the demographic crisis (not only in Russia) is intrusion of materialistic values. In this connection it is not profitably to keep more than one child.

    3. Wide spread occurrence of computers (since 2002) and broadband internet with free local traffic (since 2003) in Moscow caused a great wave of unwanted information. Children 10-12 years old were the most vulnerable.

    ‘… in my country’
    Are you from US?

    ‘Do you think that Russian girls born after this have become too materialistic like the western girls’?

    I think yes but with specifics. Russian bad girls do not strive for independence. They pump money out of the husband until he becomes a bankrupt. They think that american guys draw dollars every night. It is difficult for detection. Be careful. 🙂

    Sorry for probable grammatical mistakes.

  16. Your English is actually pretty good, Obezyan. Your insight is valuable to me. Yes, I am from the US. It’s a shame to hear about that current generation of Russian girls have adopted western values in terms of materialism. The women in my country have abandoned traditional values and have become unfit for marriage.

    Response to your theories:

    1) I had no idea that kiosks had alcohol available to teenagers and the like close to the schools there. Your government allows this? It doesn’t seem very wise to me. That would be completely illegal over here and people would go to jail.

    2) I agree that materialism is a bad thing especially when you want to have children. It is very expensive to have a child in the US because the greed of capitalism drains the parents of everything they have unless they are rich.

    3) The internet is otherwise known as the information super highway. It is no surprise to me that children there living in an area with access to it would provide them with things they don’t need to know. Probably also linked to materialism. You also have the huge problem with social network websites where teens and kids can exchange information rapidly.

    Thank you for your cautions about Russian bad girls, Obezyan. Another question for you, I heard there is a cultural difference between eastern and western Russia which also reflects on the women. Is this true? Or is there more to it? Thank you :).

    1. Kiosks sell bus tickets, children’s magazines, women’s magazines, crossword books that old ladies sit and do when they sell things in the market, notebooks and toothpaste etc. However, strong drinks are sold at separate shops. Everyone is drinking energy drinks nowdays. Some people drink and some people do not. I think the Russian sterotype of drinking is for the older communist generation people and youth whose parents do not care and live in blocks of flats and parents do not care when they are out of the flats. But this is all over the world in every small town and large
      My friends do not behave in this way at all. Russian youths are postive, all without exception wired to the Internet. Many use it for postive things, for example the person who created google.com is Russian, Sergey Brin.
      Why do westerners have such silly sterotypes about Russia. If you want hang out with lost youths you find them in every city in the world.
      But Russia is a special place and the girls here are in a word exquisite.

  17. Just thought I would make a little guide on how to be a good boyfriend, too. A lot things that make a good girlfriend could refer to men as well. Cooking, a little bit of jealousy and not talking about your ex are things that any girl will like about a guy.

    Personally I think that ‘little things’ are very important and make your relationship one of a kind. I asked my sister what makes her so crazy about her boyfriend of 4 years. Along with good manners and intelligence she mentioned a bunch of little things like ‘he always knows how much syrup I want in my tea’ or ‘he gives up the crust on his chicken strip to give it to me’. One time, back when we were in high school she was having a really bad, stressful day and he just showed up at our apartment unexpectedly with 8 bars of her favorite strawberry chocolate. She doesn’t do as many sweet things for him, because he’s the guy, but she does make his favorite cupcakes or cooks Mexican food that he loves every now and then.

    Every girl, or at least every girl I know loves surprises. It doesn’t have to be anything big, it’s the thought that counts and with creativity you can surprise her every day. Come pick her up or walk her home when she gets off work, bring her lunch or write her a song. You can hide a note in her purse or just steal her and take her for a road trip. Spontaneous things are the most fun and a great way to keep you from getting bored with the relationship after a couple of years. Every girl wants a boyfriend who is spontaneous.

    Be a good observer. She will not be happy if you do not notice that she got a haircut or bought some new clothes. When she’s in a bad mood, even if it doesn’t seem like she wants to talk about it, still try to talk to her. Show her that you noticed and care.

    A good boyfriend has to be patient, too. Just accept the fact that it takes forever for your girl to get ready to leave in the morning, almost all of us are like that and for most of us it will never change. Shopping in a mall might be a challenge for you, girls can be very picky and again it takes a long time to find a decent dress, so be prepared for long hours on your feet.

    Other than that, just be a friend to her. You should be able to talk about everything with your significant other. This is what defines a real relationship.

  18. To be a good girlfriend – do:

    Compliment him
    Guys like compliments too. Just because they don’t show it doesn’t mean they can’t be insecure just like girls, maybe not as bad and not in a girly way, but they still are. Let your guy know that he is special to you.

    Make your needs and feelings known
    Leaving things unsaid and hoping he will figure it out on his own is not the best idea- in most cases he won’t, you will eventually become frustrated and so will he. Guys like clear situations , they do not do all that excessive thinking that women do. If he did something wrong or you expect him to do something, the best way to get what you want is to go ahead and tell him.

    Display your affection
    Not only if it’s just you and him, but also in public, except for situations in which such behavior is considered improper, or could cause other people to feel awkward, of course. Other than that, feel free to show your affection, he will love it.

    To be a good girlfriend – don’t:

    Ask him weird questions
    Constant asking your boyfriend whether he thinks you’re fat or if your cellulite is very visible or not annoys him like nothing else. Think about it- he’s dating / married to you, so apparently you are attractive to him. There is no point in asking these questions because there is no good answer to them.

    Criticize his friends, family or hobbies
    If you don’t like his friends or family I recommend that you keep it to yourself. Criticizing people he cares about can’t cause anything but trouble. If you share this with him he will be trapped and feel like he has to choose between you and them. You don’t want him to feel guilty every time he talks to a friend. This also applies to his hobbies and interests- even if you are not crazy about it, at least try to understand that it gets his blood running. Wouldn’t you feel bad if he gave up on doing something he loves just because you didn’t like it? I guess the only exception here is gambling addiction.

    Check his phone/e-mail
    Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, if you feel the need of checking his phone or email then you should probably stop and think what you are doing with this guy in the first place.

    Listen to your friends’ advice
    If you do everything that your friends advise you to do, I promise you will die alone. It’s great to have friends you can complain to, but they tend to be partial to you and come up with too radical solutions. Listen to your intuition rather than your friends, after all you’re the one who knows best what is right for you.

  19. You forgot one! STAY IN SHAPE!!! I don’t know how it is in Eastern Europe, but here in America, some women let go after they get married. They figure, “Oh, I have the guy who will love me unconditionally, I can lose the gym now.” For me, now that I’m married, I’m actually more inclined to stay in shape, not get out of it. I want my husband to be proud to have me, and I will help that by continuing to look good for him. Only healthy cooking in our house! 🙂

  20. “Ok lets say you see a pretty girl, Russian or not. Then you walk up to her and chat with her. What happens?”

    Assuming that you are talking about her being by herself, I may ask her a few questions about herself. Try to get to know her. Sometimes I would be nervous and sometimes not. I physically stand about 5 feet from her. Most of the time, she would become extremely rude to me and basically give off the vibe that she wants me to get away from her. I have seen it happen to other men too so it is not just me. Other times, the conversation might go well, BUT somewhere in there she would mention a boyfriend. I would find out later that she would be lying about that. Why girls lie about being with someone goes beyond me. I have also noticed that many girls didn’t like to keep eye contact with me when I talked to them. Eventually, I just gave up trying. There really wasn’t any point to it anymore. Katya, I honestly don’t hardly remember the rest of it since it has been a long time since I even tried.

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