Plato believed that everything on this earth corresponded to a form, an ideal archetype of a concrete object on this planet. To contemplate these forms would bring a greater awareness to this life and happiness.
Similarly pop culture has had a parade of self help recommendations about visualizing your ideal partner.
In contrast, there are those that argue that you should not not have an ideal vision of a wife (or husband) or type because your real mate might be something totally different than you could have ever imaged. If you subconsciously filter out potential partners based on preconceived notions, then you might miss your other half.
My preconceived notions consistently get shattered with life broadening experiences.
The people and ideas that are distant or unconformable in your life, are often what you embrace closest to your heart. That being said, I believe imagining an ideal will help you sift out the wheat from the chaff. The reason is there are 3.7 Billion women in the world and 1.3 Billion single women of dating age.
Why dating sites do not work well
I am a believer in dating sites, but I question is this the best approach. That is playing the numbers game with a dating site, and going on dates until you find the right one. Yes many people do that, but it can wear you down. Thinking people use the three basic methods below.
- Advance searches – You could argue that all you have to do is refine your search criteria on a dating site like match.com under advanced searches. Filter people out until there are really only a handful of people in your criteria.
- Brute-force attack – By calculating and checking every possible potential mate as fast as you can on a dating site with visual screening. Even if you have the fastest right hand index figure on Tinder you would never really find the right one for you.
- Logical way or interest based dating sites – Similarly, you can be the logician and think your way out of singleness. You can use sites that are not dating per say but more interest sites. Using your brain and do what your friends say, like meet people based on clubs of mutual interest, work setting and getting set up. If I was a girl I would personally be on chess.com.
All the above are nice ideas but limited in effectiveness. Life does not work that way.
Better is to fantasizes your ideal mate and go about your life and she will appear. Sounds crazy right, but it works. Try creative visualization and prayer to send out a message to the web of the collective unconsciousness. This is much more effective in my personal experience. You can use dating sites as an adjunct to visualization, but you would be better off spending more of your time in your imagination, the imaginary web, than on the dating sites on the real web. I am writing this because it worked for me, and writing this for you.
Is visualizing New Age hocus pocus?
I do not care if you do not believe me, I am not my brothers keeper. My question for you is, are you happily married? I am. Just be open to the idea that something that sounds like esoteric gnosticism, might work.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. – Shakespeare
I tried everything and I believe a combination of prayer and visual fantasies bought my dream girl to reality. I do not believe in hocus pocus or new age thinking. I can not give you a statistical study or proof imagining your ideal wife will work. In fact, I am a cohesive skeptic and have for years followed the Skeptical Inquirer: www.csicop.org/si
I do not believe in anything, and certainly nothing supernatural. However, I believe in the human spirit, God, and prayer. This is real.
There is a complex stratification of reality. – Hans Kung
The reason is God is not a super magician, but rather than objective working in the subjective. This is another conversation, but trust me, prayer does work. Even if you have little faith, perhaps the size of a mustard seed, if you say to the mountain move, it will move.
I tested it on a small scale and a large scale. It works beyond the realm of coincidence and beyond anything you could ever imagine. If it were tested under the lens of science, I am sure it would not pass. Dr. Lary Dossey writes extensively on the subject if you would like to follow up. However, if you are a skeptic, remember, life is subjective and relative, and it did work for me and others I know. If you are talking about a law of physics that is one thing, but we are talking about love and the human spirit. If you want to really get married, try it.
Here is a previous post on techniques for imagining your spouses. This goes a little more into some techniques in my list of seventeen or so methods. My most recommended method is simply imagining a fantasy that speaks from your own myths.
For me it was connected to a time and place I used to image when I was a teen, for example, Eastern Europe in a time long ago.
Patience is a virtue not a girl’s nick on Tinder
People will say they tried this but it does not work. Because it is not a magic trick. It takes patience. In our society people want something today or at least next week like an Amazon order. The universe does not work that way. God’s ways are not man’s ways.
God not only plays dice with the Universe, he sometimes throws them when you are not looking
Many guys write me and want to have their wife appear with nothing more than a click on a dating or brides site. Again this is the Amazon.com mentality of: I have the cash and I expect my order to be here sooner than latter. First you do not have the cash, as the karmic cash needed to achieve the results in the spiritual realm are earned though prayer and meditation. Second, God exists outside the time-space continuum and is not on our schedule.
Therefore, better than any dating app is developing a sensory rich and active image of the husband or wife you want. Use your brain which was created by a million years of evolution. To use your brain to think and image and explore out of the box ways to find a mate.
Thinking is the hardest work there is, that is why so few people do it
Why am I writing this?
Because, man, wake up, you should be a romantic conquistador seeking a princess, not some metro-boy, pop culture, Tinder using, corn addicted (I mean the other word), settling for endless dates with mediocre women. Stop wielding your cell phone in your left hand and replace it with a metaphorical sword and find your damsel. Go on that quest.
If you have no idea what I mean, choose a cheesy or deep romantic book or film epic to snap you out of your daze. Anything that inspires you personally like:
- Last of the Mohegans
- Romeo and Juliet
- Lord of the Rings (not romantic in the traditional sense but, dreamy and courageous)
Start feeding your mind with ideas that will snap you out of the pack of lies that you have been sold by society. Be the champion that you are.
How to conceptualize your ideal wife?
Do not think your ideal wife, imagine her. See her in a rich sensory fantasy where you interact with her and win her. It should be fun not another technique. If it is a technique, I do not think it is as effective as if it comes from your heart. Do not have a list of determinate criteria that she has to fulfill, rather, fantasizes, feel, image, visualize, mediate and pray. See her in your mind’s eye in fantasy where you win her in some scenario.
Thinking is not imagining
The greatest distance is between the heart and the head
Thinking gets in the way. Some people say that in the next life the logical analytical thinking is not needed and goes away and at your core true essence only feeling imaginative thinking is retained. Your imagination is the link between your soul and this world, all generated by the physical brain, mind you, but none the less valid.
If you want a more academic psychological scientific understanding of what imagination really is I recommend Imagination and sensory experien
I prefer more spiritual books on the subject. However, before you choose a book, also read about the author to see if they are walking the walk before reading their books. For example I see relationship authors who are not happily married themselves. In my humble opinion they are not experts on life. So much junk is published these days. However, usually the written word in the form of a book that takes years to write and the person is married, is of good quality.
The two page novelette Circular Ruins by Jorge Borges where the shaman dreams a human to reality, only to realize that he himself is a dream of another. Reality is multilayer, become aware of this. Do not be intimated by chants of the Richard Dawkins crowd. Their arguments are nothing more than rehashes of philosophical schools discussed for centuries and with less rigors than the Ancient Greek thinkers. Create your own reality.
But in the end you do not need a book. Simply try what I say. Imagine yourself in a romantic dream that you win your girl. Do this as you fall asleep.
What really prevents this image of your wife or partner materializing in reality?
The answer is, too much time on the web/phone, let me explain why.
Love in the time of technology
Call it karma or something else, however, watching corn on the Internet or too many pictures in an image search, that over excites the brain detracts, from the power of your imagination. This includes spending too much time randomly browsing dating sites like, Grindr, Tinder, OKCupid, or POF. The reason is the brain needs sensory deprivation to start to create and visualize. When you give the brain the image, its done. There is no need to work and sending out a message to the Universe. It tells, the Universe, OK this guy is happy, he has an object of adoration and move on to people who really need love. Those who practiced asceticism and monasticism in centuries past knew this. It heightened their sense and imagination, and power. It was like the original Internet.
Think about it, for one reason or another, in developing countries or even among the Amish, basically everyone gets married. In the USA or the UK there is lower marriage rate and marital success rate. The reason is temptation is everywhere as are images.
I live and breath technology myself. But I asked an Amish acquittance, why they do not use electricity. His reply stuck with me and I could not argue with it.
Electricity corrupts the youth – Amish cart driver
I contrast the Amish family with smiles on their faces playing with their children and American hyper consumptive and instant gratification behavior.
I am not recommending to become Amish or giving up your mobile phone, but rather use these tool in a way that it does not block your imagination. I am semi addicted to technology myself. Rather, use technology to play chess or learn something, listen to classical music, rather than fill the void. When the void is filled with countless hours browsing your phone or on snapchat or whatsapp, then there is no room for anything else to come in. My recommendation is, rejoice in the pains of loneness and the darkness and emptiness will allow your imagination and fantasies take over, in a positive proactive way. Gently guide these images to interaction with your ideal in your imagination.
It is in the darkness that light appears
Why hormones lead us to wrong choices?
Where id is, there shall ego be. – Sigmund Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis, 1932
If you are like me, healthy, your hormones are raging. Not raging like I say, ‘yes women are nice looking’, rather, driving you to the point of obsession (not in a certified psycho way, mind you). I am talking honestly how strong our physical needs and drives truly are, and they move us to do great and wondrousness things.
Sigmund Freud’s theories have not stood up well to academic research, however, his main thesis, I believe is true. Most human action and notation is initiated by the ‘Id’ or drive for reproduction and exists at the subconscious level.
Nature makes it this way or the human race would not procreate and continue. Lets be honest here, unless you are seriously repressed, every waking moment of the day you fantasizes or at least think about the opposite gender on the subconscious level. Even when you are not thinking about women, you are thinking about them. If you are honest it is like an intense hunger or thirst that drives you. This lies at the heart of the problem, your drive is so strong you might end up with the wrong woman. Your judgment is clouded because you need physical relations. Your ability to make a right choice is not clear.
Some people learn to became perpetual players using the Craiglist or match.com for example or browsing POF late at night and using Snapchat to seal the deal for hook ups. However, when you do this, you are opening doors that can not be closed. With time you would have plucked the petals off the beautiful flower and mystery of life and find yourself feeling empty and depressed in middle age. Every time you loose your seed in some type of frivolous encounter, this weakens your ability to visualizes, as your creative energies have been dissipated.
Midway along the journey of our life – I woke to find myself in a dark wood…this wood of wilderness, savage and stubborn…a bitter place, Death could scarce be bitterer. – Dante
Lets be honest, if physical relations are you want, being a single player, is an inefficient way to get it, with all the drama and risks connected with being a player. If you do not notice some strange rash while showing, or knock some girl up who has so many issues they would have to be check into a clinic in Vienna, Austria for psychotherapy for her to be normal.
Using your body like a roller coaster
Having a physical relationship with yourself every evening does not do it either. There is nothing ethically wrong with that. It is silly people feel guilty. However, you might feel tired and depressed and regretful, or just unfulfilled. It is fine for a urgent quick fix is your urges get too intense, as long as it does not dissipate your drive for human intimacy.
Post coitum omne animalium triste est – Latin Proverb
The above quote is true only with non marital relations including ‘self relations’. After the moment of truth, you want to be around someone you are totally into.
Better is to marry a hot chick with good values and than you have a VIP card of unrestricted access, additionally you have your best friend.
Wrong channels for libidinal drives
Challenging your energy into chasing money will not end well, like the classic movie Citizen Kane.
Some people transmute this libidinal energy into career or education or recreation. However, once you are in your mid-20s, I recommend you first get the girl then focus on your career. The reason is you do not really start living until you are married. This changes everything. Family is more important than careers. Do not let your parents or society con you.
Therefore, my purpose above has been to convince you to try visualization for love. Try it with the full power using positive thoughts and avoiding distractions and things that would dissipate your creative Kundalinic energies if you will.
Below I will give you a framework for finding that ideal girl simply by listing the qualities I think you want to look for. I am not an expert on life and all ideals and vision of beauty vary. However, if you hear another persons ideal, it might get you to reflect on yours.
If you read my site you already know my emphasis on finding an idealistic wife/husband, however it is worth reviewing:
Must answer the meaning of life question
OK, here it is, if I were to use criteria for screening girls it is this, a girl who is or has ideals lifting her up. They could be in poverty or a Ph.D from Harvard, it does not matter, what matters is they are idealist and live their life not for the here and now, but something greater. Discussing the meaning of life with them, would be one of my first steps. This is so basic. You have to talk to your potential life partner early on about life. Forget careers and level of education, talk to them indirectly or directly about the meaning of life.
The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things – Rilke
For example, a strong active faith in God if you are a believer. If you are an atheist or agnostic or free thinker, your woman needs to have to have a strong ideal pushing them upward. I can not emphasis this enough. In the end the meaning of life question, is the only question that is relevant in a relationship. Love elevates you and transcends you.
Often people do not articulate this in a formula like
Ad mariom dei glorium
Rather convey something like this:
But, you know, I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don’t really appeal to me, I imagine. What interests me is being a man. The Plague by Albert Camus
My point is you want your choice to be aware and striving toward transcendence. Do you understand how important this is. It affects their actions past present and future. They must be living a raison d’être that you can share.
The girl has to be going not in circles but on a spiral stair case upward.
People ask me questions about if a girl is a scammer or if she will divorce, or make a good wife. Better is to have a lot of conversations here and there in the relationship about the meaning of life and the purpose of human existence. See the sincerity in their voice and passion as they talk about elevated things. You are looking for a life partner not a hook up. You have to live with this person all the day of your life so you had better choose right on this one criteria.
All women have magic. However some women have very little magic, like .01% – Mark Biernat
Think of the cliché Jersey girl (hyper consumptive, Facebook addict, cell phone junkie) might have their magic set at .01%.
You do not want to marry a girl with a low level of j’en sais quoi. The way you screen for this is find a women who is aware and walking the walk. She does not have to be doing anything greater than living a prayerful life for example.
How often we confuse beauty with virtue.
Guys like to rate girl from 1 to 10, trust me, many women (and men) are below 1.
In the end, this is all that matters. That the person is a person you connect with, on a meaning of life level. That is it.
Start to visualize or pray before bed. I like prayer as I am too ADD for meditation. If you can meditate than more power to you. I can not do it consistently, although the times I have I like it. Maybe at the end of yoga class when I can not move anyway, but even then. However, prayer does not require any rules or formulas. St. Ignatius favorite position was laying down with his head facing Jerusalem. Others use essential oil candles. Others just close the door for a few minutes. Find what works for you.
If you are a non-believer, just fantasizes before you go to bed in a dynamic way, and be patient. For example, be creative like see her lost in a open void and you find her, or in a forest with mist and you have to fight off villains to bring her to safety.
Be patient, finding love is not instant, like pinging and Uber ride. It is more like chipping away at a block of granite, to create a Michaelangelo stature, it takes time, the end result is something beautiful.