Author: Mark Biernat

The subtleties of interpersonal relationships are felt by the sensitive. This is manifest in one particular aspect of my life, I am married to a foreign lady friend. The post will look as strange vibes I get because I have an international marriage and live in the United States. However, if anything, it confirms my view that I made the right choice not to marry the girl next door, but across the big pond

My recommendation is marry someone beyond the boarders

My strong personal recommendation is married someone from another country, if your country is not congruent with your social values. It does not matter what place in the world you choose, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia you want to marry a girl from another world. Find a world which fits your vision of love, where romantics our number career people.

I even go a step further and recommend a girl from the village.  The girl could be living in the city because she is going to school and working. However, you want her to have roots in the agrarian-based small town.

Cataclysmic mistake of marrying someone who lives near you

In my subjective opinion, it is a cataclysmic mistake to marry a girl from the city or any suburb of America who does not evince extreme ideals, unless they are from some overriding subculture. I do not know like they are Amish or something. I am not a strict cultural determinist.  However,  cultures and micro-cultures shape our personalities in our formative years. These ideals are a bond for the relationship.

  Why try to teach a girl about values and culture. Better is to marry one who is already there, and you grow together. The US immigration visa issues can be worked out.

Note I am not categorically putting down American women at all. I know a lot of people get ed into the negativity of this. Rather, you need to understand that culture plays a huge role in determining personality and relationships. I think American is an a non-romantic epoch currently. It might swing back someday, but today we live in a goal orientated society. I am not, I am a romantic. If you are too find a dreamy idealistic – materialistic romantic also.

After all, the chief business of the American people is business

Calvin Coolidge

My experience in America marrying a girl from abroad

When I am at the playground and in my social circles here in America, and I am with my wife Kasia from Poland, I sometimes get some weird vibes from American women. They assume that I found her online, or that she is a simple girl who is uneducated. They surmise that about me too because I could not for some reason get a girl here. Yes, I found my wife aboard but there is more to the story.

Therefore, I went online to order a lady friend. The American women I encountered,  try to find ways to ‘one-up’ me in the social pecking order I guess. Their husbands even snicker a little, like ‘oh this guy married a foreigner.’ They do this to feel better about themselves, or to compensate. However, I suspect there is some jealousy as my wife is beautiful and their wives are more often than not are, let us be honest, portly from consuming and store-bought ready-made inorganic diet.

Aware, intelligent people have the opposite effect, they are inquisitive and polite and they are not competing with ego.

With tangential acquaintances, it mostly does not affect either way.

We have been socially ostracized in a subtle passive-aggressive way in many relationships. I would have no problem with if I married the girl next door in America with conforming values to their social norms.

Some things we do different than Amerian wives

• We grow much of our food. This is what people in the village do back home. I have a small orchard of fruit trees, about twenty-five, from apples to Avocados to pomegranates to olives. We have a mini-vineyard of muscadines. I have several fields where I grow greens and vegetables. These greens are most of the production. We have ladyens for eggs. We go to Wholefoods to supplement with milk, butter, oils and treats for our daughter as well as some meat now and then.
  
• We cook 100% of our meals. We do not buy packaged food.
• We do not use a microwave.
• We do everything ourselves. From haircuts to makeing fences  to making wallpaper glue.
• We go to the Doctor only when needed, and would use a drug only if required, which is let us be honest never. Most cases herbs do the trick.
• My wife sews clothes and makes cool looking styles rather than just buying the newest item from Target.
• My daughter does not engage in the typical soccer mom after-school programs. She plays chess, or we prefer her to have unstructured time so she can be in her imagination and be a child.  Running barefoot and playing with other children in the stream is better than Karate classes for example.
  
• We always have a book in our hands, philosophy, literature, and prefer not to engage in excessive ideal small talk.  We are not arrogant; it is just our style.
• We have never put career above family. I am making little to no money, but my wife and my daughter shave me all the time, and these are crucial years. We will never get them back.  In villages, people spend more time at home than in their careers. In America, economic, social order determines how people relate to you. In the village, not as much.
• We speak different languages at home.
• We are church-going Catholics. You would be surprised how this is two strikes against us in this politically correct America.
• My wife is skinny. I am skinny. If this does not stir up tension, I do not know what does.
  
• We do not eat in restaurants. The food is never as good.
  
• We do not like sports.
• Politically, I would rather not touch this as it is too divisive, but we do not fit in with the ethos of the Moms and Dads at the playground from either political party. But you can ask me if you are curious.
  
• Our daughter does to a parochial school. No way would I send our daughter to an American public school. I will homeschool her if we run out of money.
  
• The list goes on.

What is really important to my wife

However, the above list is just surface behavior really. What it comes down to is this, my wife is very humble. She does not care about surface things like careers, girls night out,  mani-pedi or taking cruises or impressing people. She cares about God. She cares about taking care of her family.  That is it. God and family, not money. the end that is all that matters.

So when I show up at the park with my wife, who is skinny, with hair people judge. My latest theory is they are jealous that they are not thin, stylish and articulate.

People judge us, make assumptions and it is actually quite funny.

The truth verses reality

• What is perceived: They think we are uneducated. I have comments thinking we went only to high school.
• Reality: I am getting a Ph.D. and my wife has a Masters with several years of school post graduate.
• What is perceived: We can not get a job or do not want to because we can not afford to participate at the school bake sales and symbolism over substance rah-rah events, and we do not keep up with the Jones.
• Reality: At my peak, I was making close to 200k. I choose to be a college economics professor now as I am studying for my Ph.D. My wife is working on software at home as an entrepreneurial venture. We both compete in USCF chess tournaments.
• What is perceived: Online catalog wife.
• Reality: I was traveling, I met my wife in person, she did not want to go out with me, so I stayed in the country and won her heart. I have roots in Poland and Ukraine, my parent’s second language was English. I have an interest in the country and learned the language as an adult. I was not browsing online, found my wife and click. click, I ordered her. It would be no different than you dating someone from another state.

In a word, my wife is from abroad and I am thrilled.

Mark Biernat

OK this is not anything against American women. Many are wonderful, it is just that since I came from a European culture growing up, traditional values, faith in God, it made sense to be married to someone that see the world the way I do.

Boarders are not national.

I recommend you do the same. Do not worry what others will say or think if you want to find a foreign wife. You can do it online, yes, I did not and recommend travel over online lady friends, but get your feet wet and try something different and out of the box. If you are single, think outside the box and outside the boarders that are only self imposed.

If you want to know how to find a foreign lady friend, comment or contact me or read articles on my site and follow me on YouTube.

The purpose of this post to to give show you How to stop gaslighting in relationships so you can be happily married (like I am). The definition of ‘gaslighting in relationships’ is emotional abuse of power. It is a form of physiological manipulation. It is an idiomatic expression that has appeared in the collective unconsciousness of those seeking authentic interpersonal relationships. My premise is, it is not stickily a psychological issue but has an energetic component. If you are not aware of this energetic componet the processes of healing will be longer.

I have the cure. I am happily married and I have some wisdom that will help you. However, you have to stick with me and read, not just take the assumption you know what I am about. Read as I would like to help.

The origin of this relationship issue is as old as mankind, but the phraseology first appeared in Patrick Hamilton play Gaslight in 1938 and subsequent film adaptations in 1940 and 1944. It popped up in academic literature in the 1990s e.g.  Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation, and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psyccordialherapy and Psychoanalysis (Dorpat, 1996) and When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships (Jacobson, Gottman, 1998).

Today social media channels outlined the issues:

• Meredith Miller from Inner Integration – Gaslighting the Narcissistic favorite tool 
• Jordan Peterson with his discussions on narcissism
• I highly recommend you spend a few minutes listening to the above.

These personalities are noteworthy mind you, and I am not taking anything away from them, and can even recommend these two at least as a first step. I believe you can solve many problems in your life with Youtube as the personalities authentically try to help people based on life experience.

I would like to say I am truly sorry you had anyone make you feel unworthy or doubt yourself or question your sanity. The good news is most people in the world are not manipulative. Most people are like you, sincere and wish the best on others. It may not seem like that now, but I have been happily married for years and so have my friends, and so can you.

We all have been in a relationship – often playing both roles

We all have narcissistic tendencies and all have to some extent been in a gaslight relationships, it is just the matter of degree for both.

Whether it was your spouse, partner, work, even children or parents. Often for men, it is their work relationship and for women from it is the interpersonal dating relationship.

The key thing is there is a solution and there is a way out of both, narcissism and being a victim of this.

When Psychology misleads you in relationships

If I am brutally honest, the psychological advice that is offered is often not radical enough. I still think there is a bit of Platonic sophistry in modern psychology as it is a cottage industry unto itself.

I know, I know the first thing, I should write is, ‘find the courage to see the patterns and then eventually leave, even depend on the strength of your friends’. However, it not just about psychology, it is about and energetic connection and the meaning of your life.

As a disclaimer I am not a trained counselor and you should always seek professional advice. I am simply a commentator or some observed aspects of Western Culture.

The good suffer in gaslight relationships

When someone manipulates you because they have power in a relationship, the good ones suffer, they are not victims but trusting people who get catch in a web. The innocent and the idealists suffer and the primitive reptilian ones win, for the time being. But in the end, they lose.

Never take revenge, because God will always carry out justice better than you, and if you are really good, he will let you watch.

You have to simply trust that this is not your person to fix or analysis.  You are not your brother’s keeper. Your mission in life is not to help or fix or prove anything to a narcissistic person.

If you want to enlighten someone, help poor children in Africa or something. However, do not try to bring awareness to a gas-lighter. This is not your life mission. God will bring justice or healing in this world or the next to a person who abuses the power that they have.

• God’s justice is this. God will show them unconditional love. If someone is narcissistic this will be very painful. It is an undescribable pain of purification for someone so far removed from God to feel unconditional love and acceptance.
  

Think about yourself. Is that not true for you? If someone totally accepted and loved every aspect about you, it would be almost too hard to deal with, and if you are a reader, you are pretty together I am surmising.

Power of the narcissist

Any power people have comes from above, we know this. And if someone abuses this power with a manipulation tactic they will someday have to own it. The reason they abuse their power is they come under some energetic dark-side energy that could have to do with Karma or generational inherited energy passed down or simply most likely pride. However, the reason you are susceptible to that is you do not see your own power or worth.

• The reason you fall under their spell is one reason you do not feel good about yourself.

It comes from patterns when you were a child. You do not feel worthy at some level. Perhaps your partner is better looking or has more money or a career or simply more confidence (the latter is usually the case). Their abuse of power taints you for the next healthy relationship. After you leave and it is hard to image you can regain that sense of worth. Just understand, they have the problem. It is them not you.

I still have the solution. You can spend the next ten years or more healing or listen to my solution.

Choose your rut carefully, you will be in it for the next ten miles.

Road sign on a highway construction site

Before I give you my solution for gaslighting – some questions

First, objectively determine if the current situation you are in is real or convenient self-delusion. If it is self-delusion, then without address the bitter truth, you will find your life on a trajectory that will be less than optimal.

You have to differential between gaslighting which is real and those perceived. Often people use a new found term to get out of a committed relationship. Often people will grab as psychological idea from the web, like gaslighting or narcissistic and conveniently apply it to their life.

But if you are not married, it does not matter I suppose, if you feel this way leave.

What if you are married with children?

Second, consider if you are married and have children, this is different and the term does not apply in the same way to you. You need professional help, preferably from a trained Priest, Rabbi or Minister. 

The reason is often one spouse is looking to bend their psychological perspective, even subconsciously to fit the narrative. This is tragic. Relationship quitters when kids are involved make a train-wreck out of the family and children because they get pumped.

Metaphorically, like astrology, people fit the terms to their circumstance, no matter how general the characteristics are and no matter what the situation. They project themselves into this situation, however, that does not mean it is real. They do it so they have permission to quit their family responsibilities because times are a little shaky.  You have to be objective. You have to see it from all angles.

Is the person physically beating you? Or rather are they just obnoxious and manipulative in a passive-aggressive way?  If they are hurting you physically, well you know your answer?

If you are married with children and you feel the person is manipulating you, then it is something else.  This person is your spouse, you brought children into this world with them. You work with them to fix it, rather than get a divorce like modern culture will tell you.  I am sorry but that is what marriage is about, work it out. It is insane the amount of adults can not calmly sit down and talk to people they brought children into this world with. I understand a lot but I do not understand that.

Gaslighting in a dating relationship solution

However, in every other relationship, from interpersonal to work, the solution is simple, leave.   Drop them like a bad habit. If you do not like your job, quit. There are many narcissistic bosses.  I do not care you have bills to pay, just leave. Write me and I can give you hints what to do next.

Do not think about it, do not over analysis it just leave. Start a new life. Move to a new city. Where is your sense of adventure? Move to Europe and teach English, just leave the whole toxic area.

The central ingredient to the cure for gaslighting that others do not tell you

Always ask God for help. Ask God to remove and disconnect the attachment. I am not one to believe in any form of supernatural. I am a corrosive rationalist skeptic.  However, I can not deny:

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. your philosophy

William Shakespeare

Negative people are controlled themselves

I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life. When these things happen directed from aggressive people the residual energy attaches to you. I do not care if you think it is psychological or supernatural, it seems to be real. It is like a demon is probing your weaknesses and working on you.

Observe a negative person, their faces are distorted. They themselves are under some energetic control. Take it metaphorically or literally, net, net it is the same. I recommend the book Unbound by Neal Lozano. You can research this yourself or use other ways.

Take that for what it is worth. But the bottom line is if you want full healing, you need to ask God to remove this energy from you. You can go to psychoanalysis this for the next twenty years like Woody Allen or you can accept that life is about energy. We are strands of energy between heaven and earth and all cannot be explain and cured by the followers of the prophets of psychology and self-help. Sometimes, you need a higher power to clear this energy. You need to ask the Holy Spirit or Ruaḥ Hakodesh to intervene with deliverance.

100% No contact – Forever

Then you need to remove yourself physically from this person, Geographically, get far away, even if it sets your career back. Your career I can coach you on, as I am an Economics Professor, just write me. The main thing is get away from them.

Do not call them, do not contact them, do not check them on the Internet. If you do that you are not breaking free. You have to go total radio silence. Zero. How long? Forever. I know this is a hard pill to swallow but they are renting space in your brain for free.

If you are checking them online they are energetically connecting to you and being an energy vampire. If you check them only once a year, that is not no contact.

Go on Survivor or something

Then do things that build your confidence when you leave that relationship. Get a PhD, travel the world, go on the TV show Survivor, Jeff Provost would love to try to snuff your touch.  But do something as an ideal minds invites temptation. The main thing is start to see your worth as a human being.

No matter how strong the pull and how many years wasted in the relationship, the solution is the same. You have to ask yourself this:

What is the meaning of your life?

Meaning of life question

The problem for people today in relationships is they have not asked themselves this question to the deepest end. People are not radical enough in their examination of life. They do not bring this question into the relationship. My God, you have to ask your partner this question. How could you be with someone, even intimate and not have this conversation?

When you are intimate you are exchanging energy and connecting. Yet you do not know where they stand etherically and philosophically?

You are a child of God. You are a miracle from heaven. Why would you put yourself in a relationship where the other person does not see you this way?

Why are you in a relationship with a person you do not sit on  a park bench, hold hands and talk philosophy with?

Mark Biernat

You need to have deep philosophical conversations with your partner or you not be in a relationship with them. Take it from a happily married man, you need to converse about the meaning of life.

If you do not know where you are going, you will end up somewhere else.

Metaphorical self flagellation

Why would you be in a relationship with a person who is not chastising themselves to achieve a higher level of humility? Does the other have a routine of prayer and some manifestation s of spiritual asceticism, not for physical beauty, but to make themselves a more humble person. Or at least some element of the spirit of denial for a greater purpose, preferably in an organized religion like Judaism or Christianity or others. I believe in rituals as people that are too new tend to lack this aspect of radical humility.

What would Alexander Solzhenitsyn think of narcissists?

At the Start of the Day
At sunrise thirty young people ran out into the clearing; they spread out, their faces turned towards the sun, and began to bend down, to drop to their knees, to bow, to lie flat on their faces, to stretch out their arms, to lift up their hands, and then to drop back on their knees again. All this lasted for a quarter of an hour.
From a you might have thought they were praying.
Yet in this time we live in people cherish their bodies and with determination and patience practice this body- daily.
But they would be mocked and laughed at if they paid the same regard to their souls.
No, these people are not praying. They are doing their morning exercises.

Russian author Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Prison break

Here is the solution. If you are bonding with a partner who is not this path of asceticism to achieve a greater humility, rather one a path about themselves as illustrated in the above poem, I would recommend you escape.  If they are about a career or something stupid like that, leave. If they can not engage you in deep philosophical questions about the meaning of life, run. Make a prison break and run for the woods. When the floodlights hit you, you may freeze for a second but keep running.  God will protect you if you ask him. Say ‘Lord give me strength’ and keep running. Ask God to remove the negative energy of that person. Pray for the good of that person with a sincere heart.  Then move on and remember, forgiving is forgetting. People say I forgive but they do not forget, forgiving is forgetting.  It is that simple.

How to meet a woman and court her is easy if you know the secret. I know what I am talking about because I am happily married to the girl of my dreams. I do not know too many people nowadays that can say that.

Since the days of Fiddler on the Roof and matchmakers are a footnote in history, then what is a man to do, or a woman for that matter?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
catch me a catch
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match

Fiddler on the Roof

The secret to your mate

The secret for finding not just someone to marry, but the right damsel is found in two basic ideas, evolution and corpulente. This post will the first idea in practical terms so you can get married.

First things first, I would do is not put too much credence in online advice. Much advice is written by unimaginative single people, trying to make money online or just single people, “the blind leading the blind”.  Sorry but that is the truth. In contrast, I am married and do this for supplemental income, however, my primary income, I teach economics and even getting a PhD.  I reluctantly write this blog for a pittance, but I do hope it helps some people. I can speak with some authority not because of my degrees, but because I am married to a beautiful wife.

If you follow my advice to the tee, you will not just get married, anyone can get married, but get married to the girl of your dreams. However, there is one caveat.  My advice will take thinking out of the box and will question your personal beliefs which you might not like. If you can roll with that, then we are good to go.

If I were single today

How would I meet girl today? If I was single today, that means now, in the time of excess personal technology people and generations in the West who are generally spiritual but not religious, in a world of non-committal Millennials, Gen Z, Xers and Boomers trying again,  how would I meet a woman and make her my lady friend?

Since I am married, I will never meet a girl in my life again. We will never break up and if I was alone I would play chess and hang out with my friends but would not be interested in anyone else. That being said this guide is for you.

There are two issues I see, one is technology and the second is people are generally spiritual and are not connected to the ultimate power in the universe. These two issues are interrelated. The first is much easier to address, that is technology and the focus of this post.

Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. 

Darth Vader Star Wars A New Hope

Technology makes people shallow or at least the addiction to it does. Faith in technology takes away your real power.  Do we all agree? 

I am a college Professor. In my observation, the students that use their phones the most, are the ones that have the least depth in their thought when they articulate ideas on paper. They circle and loop in their brain with basic ideas rather than probe deeper. Why? Not everything can be crystallized into “5 easy steps”. Information is the lowest form of knowledge, which the Internet is partial towards.

Many articles are written by blog writers/ Internet journalists that do not lead you to challenge yourself and your thinking at a more subtle level. It is this subtle level which is decisive. Do not believe me, consider the game of chess.

Chess as an illustration for deeper and subtle thinking

Chess is a simple game in a closed system. There is no luck nor exogenous variables unless you argue distractions need to be factored in. Chess is a subtle game. That means it looks simple, but it is not. Everything is about the art of discerning what seems to be a simple move into lines that have implications that stretch into infinity. My point is you can not read a post about ‘how to win chess in five simple steps’ and expect to win. And you certainly can not win with a cell phone in your hand. 

Similarly, if you are living under the cognitive illusion that love and human interaction and the world we live in is less complex than a silly game of chess, you are in for a rude awakening. My point is you need to rely on your own brain more for mating rather than information or the distraction of technology. Every subtle move you make is the difference between being married to a fairy-tale or losing.

Human evolution and mating is finely honed

You need to realize how complex and subtle mating for life is. The female brain and the million years of evolution behind it designed for mate selection will checkmate you (send you on your way) before you even mate her.  The solution is you need to,  perfect the subtle art wooing her heart courting a girl.

This is where technology comes into play. Technology creates cognitive dissonance between your basic drives to find a mate and reality. It distorts your vision and mate selection becomes less than optimal.  I met my wife in the time of technology, but I met her face to face.

How I met my wife

I walked right up to her and started talking out of the blue. I looked her in the eyes and spoke to her, a complete stranger. When I was filled with fear of rejection or embarrassment, I held my ground. You need to have confidence and courage.

As crazy as it sounds, in the times of swiping dating apps, texting and women calling everyone a freak who approaches them, talking face to face, is what women are programmed to respond. Women’s DNA is not programmed for some digital chat or convoluted introduction.

Real life princesses respond to a prince who will conquer her fears with bravery and be willing to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune for them. They will sent the guards to dump boiling oil over the castle walls, as you try to scale the walls. But you need to press on and rescue her from her tower.

In that millisecond, the girl may think you are a weirdo and even tell her friends that, whoever, if you hold your ground and are charming and cool, she will ask herself, ‘who is this guy?’ That is a man. That is real guts. You do not have to be six feet tall and have muscles, you have to be what a million years of evolution has programmed into you.

If you want a fairy-tale princess you need the courage to do this. You need to be able to woe her in real life from start to finish. If not go back to surfing ‘corn’ and doing whatever you do while you do that.

How to break the technology addiction with that relates to dating

Take a deep breath, you do not have to give up your phone or the computer. Just do not put too much credence in dating apps and try to unplug a little. Structure your online time and do not dissipate your libidinal energies there. Technology is a metaphorical hormone disrupter. You can use it all day long as long as it does not become the way you meet girls, at least exclusively. Yes you will get more numbers with technology, but that is not what you want. You want your one and only.

Learn to chat up women by perfecting the art of charm, lose weight (I am 6′ and 169 lbs), dress like a model with cheap clothes and read books, real books not digital books. Then travel the world. Abandon your house or whatever illusion of stability you have, pause or quit your career.  It worked for me. The most important point actually was having the courage to approach women in real life, the other points are helpful.

My point is you need to be radical. This includes countering the ADD technology use with more traditional ways to nourish your brain. Anything, go hiking every day for a couple of hours in the wood, go to church daily or read classics with a paper, not on your phone. I go to the beach almost every day. You need to unplug, and this advice is so simple, but it is important. The painful loneliness you feel when you are unplugged will make you over time a little deeper and see the subtleties of life.

From there your brain can start to kick back into instinct mode. mode is the male version of 1 million years of evolution. That is better than any dating app, or advice from the web, you personally know better based on the hardwiring of your biology.

Why ‘zex tips’ are boring

Analogously, don’t you think articles and advice on euphemistically ‘roll in the hay’ tips are boring and not needed? Of course, they are boring, why? Because you always know that stuff and can do better than anything is written just based on instinct. You do not need a manual to show you how to ‘roll in the hay’, it is hard-wired into your organism. You are better off just to follow your instincts then think about some tip you read or saw somewhere on the web.

People who have Youtube channels on how to meet girls are boring too in my opinion, because deep down you already know to connect with women, it is in your biological program or there would be no human race.

Why do you think there are so many people in the world because people follow advice on YouTube and use dating apps?  Negative, it is because humans have the power to find their mate if you just tap into it.

Instinct disruptors

We were at the zoo this weekend. I observed all kinds of animals.  My question to you is, do you think any of the 8.7 million species and the trillions of living creatures and the 7.5 billion people go here on this planet because of online dating and Instagram? What about all over history and evolution, it seems like nature does fine without technology.  Perhaps this generation has been sold down the river by people with this faith in technology.

Yield to the logic of my argument, one of the two main you are single you are not listing to your biology, rather you are plugged into instinct disruptors like cells phones.

OK here are some tips

You stuck with me this long on my homily, I can give you some simple tips.

• Write letters – You need to write letters to a girl who you like. If you want to impress her, try to write some letters on stationary. It takes effort and thought and but if you are playing to win rather than playing and you really love her, I would do this. It is better than any gift, spending money on her or a text message no matter how clever and cute. Girls do not marry cute they marry someone who conquers them. Read letters of the past or take inspiration from Les Liaisons .
• Be Skinny and stylish – Buy mustard color pants, get a good haircut, be 5 lbs underweight. I know this takes effort but I am telling you what gets girls. Do you not also like women that are like this?
• Only meet girls face to face – Practice meeting women face to face and skip online apps. Get a Master’s degree or take courses somewhere, do what you need to, go to Church, go clubbing in Europe. My goodness, I bought a ticket to Iceland for $230, I flew back from Amsterdam for $250, I stayed in a hostel with girls in my room in the beds next to me.  Forget, online dating these are real women. Book a flight somewhere, stay in a hostel and go site seeing. You will spend more money spinning your wheels around town buying prepared meals or useless stuff that will sit in your closet.  Better is to learn to bake your own bread and have a garden and the $800 dollars a month saves is travel money every month. When you travel, I take a Chromebook not a phone. This way I am not plugged in, only check emails. Rely on your instincts to get around and ask females directions instead of being glued to your GPS.
  

Guys do you hear me? Girls sleeping in the bed next to me in Europe, one studying to be a Doctor anther was biking across Europe, neither one was online looking for dates. The best ones are offline. They dis technology because they are superior choices for mate selection. The ones online are not as good in my opinion.

If you can not try one idea above

If you can not do the above three things to start I would check your urinary levels of testosterone (T) and epitestosterone (E), this can be done at a walk-in lab in any city, USA. Maybe you are still drinking from plastic bottles, a soy user or are unaware of other hormone disruptors.

Therefore, in conclusion, do not get all negative and blame society or American girls, that things are different today or whatever your deal is. That is the dark side that will lead you to wake up at 45 years old and still being single.

Better is, to be honest with yourself and know what you are. I said what you are not who you are. You are not a cyborg, that is a cybernetic organism, half man, half machine. What you are relates to being a product of a million years of human evolution finely tuned to find the woman of your dreams. If you can not understand this you are swindling yourself out of your own life.

The genesis of my view on women

When I was in high school I thought women were ethereal beings like angelic vessels. They were examples of virtue, goodness and gentleness on this earth. Females radiated with a light and beauty that was almost unobtainable to us mere mortal men.

I had a rude awakening.

However, my initial premise was correct. This is what guys want, a fairy-tale, a vision, an incarnation of a fantasy.

Of course my idealism was probably connected to the fact I grew up in an old world Catholic family and went to an all boys school, where I was steeped in romantic literature. When I went to college at Wake Forest it was still run by the Baptists, where it confirmed my world view. When I went to Trinity for graduate studies, I was so involved in my work and school, I really had not had adequate exposure to women to understand the world around me had changed.

Once my career (does anyone really have this anymore) was underway, I learn that my visions of the goodness of women did not really exist, or so I thought.

Somehow through the grace of God I met my wife in Poland and we are living happily ever after.

What is the point? My point is my original vision was correct. It was a vision that has been transmitted through the generations and centuries in our collective unconsciousness. It is the primordial archetype for single females.  The takeaway for women is to follow my line of thinking about how to get there.

Advice to girls

One critical piece of advice I am going to give to womenkind is this: “understand your worth”. I know it seems simple and cliché but it is not. It is real. Women do not see their real value.

When women compromise this leads to fundamental unhappiness. They go through life a little bit miserable like someone who can not shake a low-grade fever. Why? Because they never see their worth and power in the true spirit of the idea.

Seeing your value is not synonymous with empowerment in a materialistic sense, because people confuse women’s liberation with the genuine liberation of women.

Seeing your worth as a woman simply means as a female you have the power. It means you have the power of choice. You can choose to get your knight in shining armor. You do not have to grasp whatever is out there. You have magic that guys do not have. You have this certain je ne sais quoi.

You need to understand this je ne sais quoi power. You do not want to be a compromiser. Do not date ‘cool guys’ and feel like someone cares about you and loves you even if he is a bit of a man-boy. My recommendation is to marry a prince.

As a rule, women do not see their worth. It is crucial that you start seeing your worth as a female. This amazing value comes from the Divine as a gift. It is a free gift. It is not earned but you have it already. You can reject this idea but people who misuse their gift pay a heavy karmic price and often live tragic lives.

Let’s be honest here, up until middle school and sometimes beyond, even in college, girls rule. They generally study harder, are more responsible and have been taught self-confidence (maybe too much by our society), and tend to make good choices. Then hormones kick in and like a big storm washes away anything but the most solid foundations.

Too good for any man – Enter Hormones

These hormones override much of their rational thinking and female self-esteem plummets. I do not know if it is part of the evolutionary program or not. Because women are superior in so many ways from a behavioral standpoint at that juncture, that without these hormonal changes women would probability perceive themselves as ‘too good for any men’.

Some women are drunk with ego feel this way until they are 30 years old and then it is too late.

Why is this? Nature sets women up to take care of the family, and be responsible earlier. That is why they are given so much. Then it is time to start thinking about mate selection for later life.

These hormones which are unbridled often drive women to go for guys that they should not be involved with. They comprise their values because they do not see their worth.

• Romantic love brings people together than never should be brought together.

There is one solution, that will correct your course. You want to jettison modern values and be that fairy-tale princess who we as humans all have in our collective unconsciousness.

Once you realize your power starts to shape and harness it. Refine it or you will be an amorphous blob of unactualized potential.

How to be a princess

• If you do not know how to start, do this: develop a prayer routine. With prayer you will move mountains.
  

  It could be coupled with regular church attendance. If you have a problem with that, I can not help you as God is the source of all love and if you do not want to even build your connection to the primal source then I do not know what ideas will attach to you and guide your life.

Better than the “laws of attraction” is to read the Bible in the evening before bed. I am sorry if you think it sounds fanatical but it is not, it is you taping into the infinite source of love.

Women, see your worth as a Divine gift from God to humanity. Do not cheapen yourself because of appetitive drives or feelings of low self-worth. Do not go for the first guy that pays attention to you. If you have done this, breaking the pattern and finding redemption is your commitment to your core values.

Stop the online dating addiction

One idea is to stay off meeting guys online. If you meet a guy online, they will not respect you. This study hints at why people prefer online relationships over face-to-face risk-taking. Since so many people modify their images these days the time efficiency argument is not as strong. When you meet them they are often not cordial.

Self esteem and online relationships

The above study suggests a correlation between online interpersonal relationships and self-esteem. I think the results are interesting.

Place your phone in the driveway under your car

Better yet. Take your phone, put it in your driveway, and run over it. Now you do not have a pacifier to keep you happy. You can keep a piece of it and make jewelry out of it to remind you of the dark love relationship you had with your cell phone. You might have even watched ‘corn’ on it. Your cell phone is keeping you from self-development as you are too ADD to contemplate life anymore.

Meeting a guy online does not make the guy work enough for you. He has to earn it to be graced by your presence. He earns it by having the courage to approach you in person rather than behind the safety of a digital screen.

Dating apps are is safe but gutless

And you, feel so safe with dating apps as you can screen out people that do not match your criteria efficiency and get some ego gratification while you at it. You are in full control. In my mind that is gutless. Coward.

Live like there is no tomorrow and put away  Tinder and Snapchat.

Retro ideas that work

Play to win and take risks and put yourself in physical places you will meet guys:
• Church – You will not go wrong here
• College classes – no matter what age you will surround yourself with educated people and your life will improve
• Travel to Europe or anywhere around the world – Better is to quit your job and camp out by a volcano for a month or something.
• Join a permaculture group – a lot of ecofriendly aware guys
• Join a chess club – lots of smart guys
• Landmark Forum – People striving to better themselves
• Baptiste Yoga teacher training – Hipster guys with a heart

You will have to start to think of radical action to change your life. If you do not, you will lose.

How to refine yourself

Make yourself a princess by refining yourself.  I give a lot of ideas on this site, however, the most important point, online dating coaches and online shrinks will not tell you, is to pray. Pray that God in heaven will help you improve yourself and refine yourself in ways that will help your life and lead to the love of your life.

Buying flowers or a dinner is not romantic. You will spend money, feel frustrated.  The most important point is you will feel empty (besides your wallet) and you will not know why. Anything that involves spending money is not romantic. It can not be, because Romanticism by definition is a rebellion against classic conceptions.

Today our society is markedly rational and anti-romantic. The skyscrapers are linear in construction and more functional. Few people are building anything Baroque, rather, homes are more cookie cutter than Victorian for example.

There is a high premium on functionality and optimal utilization of scares personal resources. Similarly people find practical, efficient ways to find a date, like a dating app.

However, if you are quixotic and joust a few windmills you will get the girl or guy and feel better about yourself.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing

Helen Keller

You want to be someone who takes out a newspaper ad like this:

Wanted: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

-Safety Not Guaranteed

You want to be a eccentric, genius, bold and beautiful. Reader, listen to me, you are a young man. You are sitting on your computer. You have the whole world ahead of you. I am asking you to be a man and try.

For example, a friend of mine, recently pulled out all stops and moved to Kiev. That is living a life of adventure. That is the start of a romantic life. He left safety and stability behind. He has skin in the game.

• I recommend you play for more than you can afford to lose, than you will learn the game.

If you want to  get the girl or if you are female and want to find a husband, be romantic. Its not a thought but a life. Do something radical like move to another country. Not a vacation mind you, but pack up a move. You do not have to move, but wake up and change your life in a radical way, a way of adventure and Romanticism, that is lasting. Build a Cordwood house in the wilderness, bike across the country, walk the Appalachian trail, build a time machine, but change your life.

After sometime you will wake up and see the world with new eyes.

Now look with your… new eyes

What did you see?
No words can describe it.
Might as well ask Heaven what it sees.
No human can know.
The world had changed,
yet stayed the same.

Like a new born vampire weeping at the beauty of the night.

Anne Rice

Romantic dating vs Realistic dating

Both genders complain about dating today. Yet the conceptual framework they have been given, has been handed to them by psychologists, popular cultural mores and relationship advisors.

People think in terms of alpha males and rules and tips for dating or conventions about how other people date and interact.  Others think in terms of how to fit traditional roles into the dating context, such as, the man should make the decisions and be the breadwinner, and use words like, ‘genetics’ and ‘evolution’ as evidence to support their thesis.

• I am not saying that some of the ideas are not without merit, rather, they will  fill your head with ideas, and still no wife or husband or at least not the prince or princess of your adolescent fantasies.
• Why? Because romantic love is always a subconscious fantasy come to life.
• It can not come to life by thinking about it. You must come to life.
  

The farthest distance is between the head and the heart

What about money? Money seem to have become the magic pixie dust people use to attract a mate.  Guys think since they have a stable job they deserve a girl. Some even go as far as flashing their ‘blue passport’ and subconsciously dangle this as bait.

Let me be perfectly clear. The Excel spreadsheets or cube job or whatever way you make your living has nothing to do with love and finding your mate, nor does your house you own or any stability you put out there. Those jobs mean nothing. You think they are important but they actually might imped your Pilgrims Progress.

• Being stabe when you are single is actually a little sad.

Be the last of the Romantics

If you want to really get the girl or guy, you need to jettison these classical sterile conceptions that are arguments to your rational brain, and look no further than the Romantic movement for inspiration.

Romanticism was a latter 18th Century and Early 19th Century movement in most recent times. However, the society generally oscillates every few centuries between rationalism and Romanticism in some form. That is beyond the scope of this discussion, but a worthy study, or something to be contemplated.

How to be a Romantic in the 21st Century

You can not imitate the past verbatim. You have to take inspiration and forge a new meaning of Romanticism today. Going to an art museum and meditating on paintings of Albert Bierstadt or any great artist, reading Emerson, Thoreau, Stoker, Tolstoy or Austen or any such authors listed here: Romanticism and idealism  or understanding what it mean here What is Romanticism – This will have greater influence on your dating life than yet another right swipe with your index finger on your cell phone.

Study the past to create some distance from the present so we can understand our present in all dimensions and take up arms against the ennui of our time.

Then start contemplating some great escape from your current life.

Romanticism appeals to the subconscious.

Here is a scene from Last of the Mohegans. When a proper high society girl finds herself in a savage wildness with perils all around her.

You are right, Mr. Poe. We do not
understand what is happening here.
And it is not as I imagined it would be,
thinking of it in Boston and London …

Cora (beautiful young lady)

Sorry to disappoint you …

Hawkeye

On the contrary. It is more deeply stirring …
to my blood …
… than any imagining could possibly have
been …

Cora

You want to be that. That is your 1 step.

You do not want to know it in your mind,  but live it in your heart and life in reality. 

Better to be living in a cabin in the wildness with the girl of your dreams than trapped in a relationship under the bars of convention and the ‘best choice’.

The founder of Burt’s Bees meet his future wife hitchhiking and lived in a cabin in Maine. Contrast this with the Wall Street execs or even an Excel superuser or someone who dangles their stable life as bait to some woman.

What life do you really want?  Yes, once you are married you build the nest, but not before. Think about being the last of the romantics and like Hawkeye and not fall for the conventions of the society that uses you.

OK, Mark so how do I:

‘How to be Romantic in 12 simple steps’, so I can get the girl’?

That is the paradox, you do not. Stay off Wikihow. Another symptom that we are living in a world of realism is the web has become the largest reciprocal for ‘how to’ advice.

In fact, in its current iteration, that is all it basically is, a how to book. This is based on user experience algorithms, that supposedly lead users to efficient sequestering of information.  I wonder if I just bought a set of World Book Encyclopedias from a thrift shop, instead of the Internet, I would be better off?

The web has become ADD and practical because it is designed by programmers, and subsequently shaped by AI. So the sites they serve on the SERP (search engine result pages) are, yes, the ones the programmers  and AI think you should see based on their determinate criteria that deem important.

By default, programmers and soulless machines are giving your dating advice

Yes, that is it.  So you are basically taking dating advice from programmers when you search the web?  Yes. The practical, realistic pages are what people are reading and the mobile dating apps are designed this way and there you have it. They are influencing your subconscious and reinforcing the paradigm.

You get more of what you reinforce

– first law of psychology

• The world is reinforcing the paradigm of rationalism.

I foresee that man will resign himself each day to new abominations, and soon that only bandits and soldiers will be left.

-Jorge Luis Borges

Become aware of the art of rebellion

The hopeless romantics are in full retreat or do not exist anymore. Like Jedi Knights, they have faded into our mythology.

People have resign themselves to the philosophy of ‘the best we can do is find a wife or husband on a dating app that fits our criteria the best, optimize our selection when it is our time, and move forward with marriage’. This is a bit utilitarian for me.

Me, I would rather be single or a Trappist monk. At least those guys have a soul.

So how do we change all this and shift the paradigm, get the girl and live happily ever after? We do not. I am not on some crusade to shift the paradigm of extreme rationalism, the matrix we live in today.

I am simply here to make you aware that a veil has been pulled over your eyes.

My suggestion to you is study what Romanticism is about. Nature, transcendence, the individual over the needs of the many and most important imagination. You do not have to be Lord Byron or Gothic. Rather, I simply do not shallow the pill of rationalism so quickly.

Maybe there is more in heaven and earth that our science and philosophy has not dreamed of. Maybe you want to live the life in the spirit of two centuries ago and go on some crusade to save your soul from the godless machine of our time.

 

So Kenneth why are you looking for a partner? The world is full of jenkholes. But I believe there are purists out there, that is why I put that ad in the paper.

Safety No Guaranteed

Feel the fear and do it anyway and take risks. Your eyes will be open and you will see beauty where others do not.

There is a strange beauty in dis-proportionality.

You will discover the people society think beautiful are subconsciously grotesque, and the ones people never look at, because of some dis-proportionality of character or form, are enchanting, like characters in a fairy-tale.

Anyone who does not dream their life away is wasting their life.

Mark Biernat

If you radically transform your life, and live as the idealist, the romantic, the rebel,  the dreamer, your life might not be on such a smooth course as it is now.

However, once you radically transform your life, the hardest decision will be who do you marry?… Snow White, Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty?

 

 

A winning strategy for courting a girl – if things go wrong online or offline

I have one trick to win a girl back that trumps ever other self-help or psychological technique or dating tip or relationship advice out there. This comes from a pro in messing up relationships, that is me. Your humble author and relationship advisor. Yes, I am the king of making a perfectly good relationship sour.  Yet, I prevailed. I did it. I am married to the person who broke up with me multiple times. When defeat was certain I turned the tide and won her heart back.

Ex-girlfriends long gone are not the same as fresh breakups

First, I am not a believer in winning a girl back from an old relationship gone by. I am talking about winning a girl back who you are in a relationship with and you have had a blowout or a breakup.

Partners from past relationships broke it up for a reason. Those reasons might seem small from a distance, but my goodness, think about it, if you were to jump back in, even if you were the one who was wronged, it would be disastrous in most cases.

Dating is like chess. It is the subtle moves that make the difference between a Grand Master and a C class player. The subtle things in the old relationship would drive you crazy again.

Win back the one and only love of your life

However, if you have just had a breakup, but you feel in your heart objectively this was the one, because of a deep spiritual connection for example, you can win her back. If you want to understand this more, who is the love of your life, read more on this site.

We broke up

My wife and I broke up a score of times during the dating phase. We argued all the time. There was so much drama, however, we always came back to each other. A lot of it was the adolescent mentalities conflicting and breaking down the ego of I to become the we.

The reason, I felt my wife Kasia was the one for me, was everything. For me I was physically attractive combined with humility. She was saying she was sorry all the time. Before Kasia, I can count on my left hand, I have ever heard someone apologize to me in my life sincerely. When someone has a contrite heart, this is the person you want to as a mate. A contrite heart opens the possibility of being forgiven and forgiving, that is one of the most powerful things.

There is a power in being powerless

So how do you win your ex-girlfriend back?

There is not such thing as chasing a lady too hard. But it is how you define hard. There is not such thing as a no win situation.

Yes, pull out all stops and play to win. That means stop the online communication. Chasing a lady with a cell phone or email messages generally is not the way to go. Women will label it as stalking, even if you have been dating them. It is one of their tricks or weapons or defenses against men in general. So ditch the cell phone and pull out the wand.

Be the Wizard

Instead of going in there with a primitive frontal assault. What you need to do is, take a deep breath, and let them know you care and you are real. Real is not a text message or a Snapchat. That is not real. Real is not buying a card or a gift. Do not listen to lame advice like buy her flowers or take her to dinner, that is just buying her. That might work, but it might not and it is buying her. You always need to appeal to a higher ideal. Ideals are the realm of magic. You need to create the dream and rise above this mundane existence.

What is real to a girl?

Real is authenticity. It is honestly. Honest communication can be face to face, however, in many cases that is not possible or too dangerous. However, there is a better way.

One trick to win a girl back found mentioned nowhere else

This is hard – writing a letter and waiting for her reply.   Yes a real letter with pen and paper.  I personally did with my wife. I wrote an old fashion physical letter.  A well thought out letter by hand and sealed with wax and some rose petals contained within.  With eloquent words and poetry you can win her heart.  It needs to be on stationary. It needs to be with an ink pen, not a common pen you get at Walmart.

She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is a woman, therefore to be won

– William Shakespeare Henry VI, Part I

Romance wins over Flexing

That is called romance. This is what girls want.  That is difficult but this effort will put you in a league above others with money and looks and who are flexing whatever they think they have.

  Hard is not going in swinging and sending endless text messages, but like in chess playing to win with eloquent creative play.

One well crafted letter sent is better than 100 calls or chats.

Watch the move Kate and Leopold if you have  not. Every Harlequin romance is based on this type or courting. Remember the scene where Leopold shames her flexing boss? If you have not seen this movie I would revisit it.

I know it sounds crazy, and old fashion but when I play with Grandmasters that is how they play chess. They play it subtly and with eloquence. Not a frontal attack or obvious moves. It is the behind the scenes development that counts.

• Make these creative patient moves on your ex-girlfriend so she can not help being mated, checkmated that is.

What about flowers?

Flowers are good.  However, it is buying the problem away to some extent. Even if it works, it does not solve the issue. The issue is not just the girl, but with you inside. (I mean that in good way, you have stuff repressed). That is why you need to write. Writing is a form of therapy.

Each word has to be reflected on. What if you can not write? I would practice and read books classic romantic literature and poetry. I would try very hard if you care about this girl.

What if you can not write?

Listen to classical music.  I like Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Liszt, the type that moves the soul, and find some dark candle lite corner of the house and perhaps try the twilight hours. Read books and take inspiration.

If you have bad handwriting go to a second hand store and buy a retro or vintage typewriter and sign it. I know this seems like work, but it is easier than impressing a girl with a million bucks, right? And she will love you for it.

When you write you express your inner soul in a way that she can relate to. Not just lofty Elizabethan English, something that she understands, about the pain of loneness, or whatever your Karmic connection is.  So she says, yes I feel this way to. This requires you to be honest.  This is real life. This is what dreams are made of. Read what others wrote in history and take inspiration.

If it takes time lad, let it take time

Mr. Scott Star Trek

Years latter she will remember your efforts

What you do will echo though eternity. So if you do something do it with consequence and thought and eloquence. When you are married she will recant the story of your written correspondences with others and make them jealous and you feel good. This is better than any flexing their husbands can do. You win her back and you win on the appeal to higher ideal front.

In life to win you need to always take the higher ground.

Time can play on your side.  If you write a letter every other day or one time a month, no way she would reject you if God wants you to be together.

I know, I know it sounds crazy but it worked for me.

I know you want a solution now to win your ex-girlfriend back today.  But this is a solution, that works, it just takes patience.

That’s the hardest thing of all,never to become cynical, never to lose faith, never to become indifferent.

– Sergei Lukyanenko, Сумеречный Дозор

When a bee is removed from the colony it can not survive. Similarly when humans do not have a critical level of social and physical interaction, life does not go as well. So the question is, how do you stay positive when you are single?

Lewis Thomas in his book Lives of a Cell – Notes from a Biology Watcher notes this phenomenon in all life forms, even cells. There is an interdependence that reaches beyond the functional. You do not have to be life of the party but you need some interaction to keep you normal. It could even be online interaction.

In some species, the members are so tied to each other and interdependent as to seem the loosely conjoined cells of a tissue.  In other species, less compulsively social, the members make their homes together, pool resources, travel in packs or schools, and share the food, but any single one can survive solitary, detached from the rest.

– Lewis Thomas

We are not bees but the metaphor is clear. There is a component to our life that is not strictly functional and one dimensional, even if we can survive as a solitary detached organism. Man is a social animal. To stay positive be aware of the people you are interacting with. This painful admission is from someone who is an introvert.

When I lived aboard I was lucky to meet people I connected with, and I did not mind spending time with. Often you meet people that are nice, but to spend time with them is a different idea. However, I went through long periods of aloneness. I was thinking, ‘what am I doing here’.  This makes no sense.

So what is the answer to negative people and social interaction? It depends on the who you are interacting with. Some people, even me, are complainers, but I am not on the darkside. However, some people just have the aura of malintent around them. It depends on their core nature, are they good or bad.  Good people with depression and negativity do not affect me. Bad people with a false smile do.

If you attach to cynical or negative people, you will absorb their energy.  In contreast, if you attach to positive people you will like two companion plants in a garden, symbiotically help each other, just by being you. Two plants next to each other have benefits a mono-crop does not. Mono crop farmers end up with diseased plants and they have to apply chemicals to compensate. And so it is with humans.

Fake happy is so exhausting

When I say positive and happy, I do not mean fake happy like you might see on Youtubers who are flexing. I mean trying to generally, be upbeat  in my approach to life.  Even if  a small percentage of time I feel better than neutral bouency or a smile, at least I have a good heart.

You want to develop your own internal dialogues and filters for the positive and try not to be influenced by negative energies. This is a form of behavioral therapy in a sense.

The habit of positive thinking plus airing our your fears with a friend

Therefore, how to stay positive when you are single has more to do with the non-relationship, relationships than the having a mate right now. You might spend 1 minute a month with that person, but that person is there for you.  It has more to do with the energy of the relationship and cultivating normal positive filters in your brain.

With this person you can be honest and air out your fears and issues. This is normal. We all do this. I do this with my wife all the time and my wife with me. Once you let it air out, often you just feel better.

You also need to realize no matter how bad it seems, there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes you just have to wait until the answer reveals itself.

I do not believe in the no win scenario.

– Capitan James T. Kirk of the star ship Enterprise.

 

It does not mean read every self help book out there or get hooked on the dopamine rush of the online marketers flexing and presenting a false sense of happiness. It means cultivating an attitude  like a garden, and remove the weeds. Your body, including your brain is an organism like every other life organism, it grows and progresses gradually. Just make sure what you are cultivating is not dark side energy.

Dark side attachments from social interactions

Without getting metaphysical there is something to Karma and people’s energies. Do not let these attachments cling to you and start to feed on you. Ask God to free you, or whatever you do if you are a non-believer, burn incense or just be aware.

What about the physical body?

Easy solution. Get a therapeutic massages on a regular basis. I am not talking anything dirty here, but your body as a person needs contact. If you do not have the money join a yoga studio, it almost does the same. Therapeutic massages can be as good as physical relationships in terms of health of the body. Maybe an Epsom salt bath can help too. I usually get a card at a place like massage envy or a groupon special.  Walking in nature in the woods can help also. Ultimately I think the touching of the skin serves a purpose in itself to make you happy and normal.

 

What if the weight of life is heavy?

What if your life circumstances are getting you down with money and job in addition to being single with no one to communicate with. I could write more on this as I often stress about this myself. However, my only reply is this, without getting on my pulpit with a homily.

There’s the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

– Mary Poppins

Youtube as a solution for depression

A temporary fix you can help cultivate the garden of your brain, by watching  select Youtubers. This you can do in your cave. Find a few channels you like that do not overstimulate you. I have one classical or soothing music channel, some people like brainwave channels. I have one religious channel I follow, its pretty good. Brain Holdsworth for example is a calm rational and somewhat upbeat voice on the web. But that is me, and this will only appeal to a few of you. My point is find something similar that fits you. Some high quality content creator that is authentic and honest.

What is the answer?

I know you want some definitive trick to be positive. But life is complex and multi-layered. My solutions and answer to the question, how to stay positive when single is nothing more than learning to cultivate a reasonable positive attitude. Do this by interacting with upbeat people and using some of that good energy to fuel your positive thinking.  Also reading positive books or listening to peaceful (not pump you up) things help.

• Understand that no man is an island so it is a two fold process, you habits and your interactions.

How does that get me out of single to into a relationship?

If you can do the above, you will attract a better caliber of girl. Girls are by their nature, yin, dark, moody mysterious and are attracted. Contrary to mainstream belief, women are not necessarily attracted to the summum bonum of pop culture psychology: “self confidence”. Rather, women are attracted more to simply a sunny disposition and authenticity.

Therefore, without going through years of psyccordialherapy and dwelling your parents mistakes, trying to puff your chest out with self-confidence like a roaster, better is to  focus on the positive and be real coupled with a light and breezy attitude, until it becomes a mental habit. When you meet the girl of your dreams, and all the drama she will send you, you will be on better footing to keep your wits about you. That is it.

 

The question of “Why am I not married?” echos in the thoughts of every single who is honest. It begs another questions, where and who is the girl or guy I am suppose to be with? I have the answer to both. If you want to get married, take this advice from a hopeless romantic who is married.

The prince is never going to come. Everyone knows that; and maybe sleeping beauty’s dead.

Lestat the Vampire

People who want to find true love, get married and have a normal family life, in my mind, are ethically superior and happier than people who  are perpetual players.  This is based on my feeling that life has a purpose beyond  people using people for their own ego gratification. There is one exception, if you are single and are dedicating your life to the poor suffering souls of this world, than that is a different story.  However, generally, those who aspire to the ideal of marriage and want to find a wife or husband, I respect you and say that is a more worthy goal than pursuing a career and money or other ego gratifying gods of this world.

Fate has a strange sense of irony

The paradox is, if you are fishing for a wife, it does not work as well as if you are hoping for a  dreamy romantic girl who lives in your imaginative world.

Like you, I wanted to be set free from the pain of loneliness and always encroaching  darkness and despair.

What is a fairy-tale marriage made of?

The answer to this pain of aloneness combined with existential anxiety, is not to find a wife or husband. The answer is to seriously consider if you believe in the idea of romantic love. Romantic adolescence primitive urges couple with a belief in true love and suffering, and the Source of all love, are the stuff great marriages are made of.

Love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and therefore loving, for a long time ahead and far on into life, is: solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves.

Rilke – Letters to a Young Poet

You need to seek romantic love, rather than a wife.  To seek romantic love is the greatest of all tasks.

To seek romantic love, you have to believe in romantic love.  You have to take this task seriously. I personally believe all love comes from God. If you are a not believer, you can have a happy marriage, however, I do not have any personal experience with anyone who still has magic in their love without God after so many years. It is like you are cut off from the Source of all love, whether, you know it or not. Maybe I am wrong and admittedly I have limited experience in this world, so I could be wrong. I have been with my wife for many years and it is better than the day I met her. That is all I can say. I can say that with a good conscious.

What is the question?

Therefore, you have to seriously ask yourself, do you believe in romantic love? You know the adolescent type feeling of nativity and magic as well as the mature romantic love of Chopin Nocturnes or Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. Do you believe not in marriage but the magic of love?

Seduction of the dopamine rush of the modern world that destroys love

Or is your brain burnt out with the dopamine rush of the modern world? Online ‘corn’ addiction or too many swipes on Tinder or meaningless chats on snapchat?

People swindle themselves our of their own lives.

I do not care, I am not my brothers keeper, I am just asking the question. Be honest with yourself. Do you believe in romantic love? I do not care what your answer is.

Mark Biernat

If you do not believe,  that is your choice. If you do, no matter how lonely you are, and impossible it seems and how used and recycled your feel, you will find your one and only true love.

What is the reward? Somehow, somewhere, when you least expect it your one true love will walk into your life, out of nowhere. It will be so shocking when you realize this and even surreal because you might be living that relationship now. You might not even know it at first, but at some point in time, you will be living it.

Contrary to cynics marriage is great

People who want to get married will live a happier richer life than their counterparts that do not want to pass their genes.  Those who want to get married will have more ‘physical relations’, laugh more and feel more fulfilled than those whose seed will be wiped from the face of the earth. They will also statistically earn more – but that does not matter.

If what you are doing now does not work – do the opposite

Jerry Seinfeld: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. George Costanza: Yes, I will do the opposite.

If you are looking for a wife you might be reducing your chances. Maybe uninstalling dating apps from your phone are worth a try.  Maybe trying something crazy like trying to meet in person and only in person for a while if worth a try. Instead of searching for a husband or wife, ask yourself do you believe specifically in something called “romantic love”.

Wife or Princess

What I mean is I know a lot of guys and girls that put marriage over love. Practical people. Love is not about practical, it is about being bold and beautiful and living like you are nothing else matters but finding not a wife but a princess.

Guys are looking for a wife. Women are looking for a husband. Nothing wrong with this. I wanted this also. I am there with you. However, at the core, my fantasies were not about a wife. It was not about a lifestyle. It was not about having a family.  I was looking for this dreamy hypnotic girl who would love me like I loved her.

This is a huge difference to wanting to find a wife or husband. I wanted romantic love. It did not even matter if it ended in marriage or not. I did not care and was not consciously thinking like that, at least not fully. Women are not objects that fit into my conceptual life framework. They are not an aspect of my life.

I wanted to find a woman who was my life and felt the pain of the long sobs of the violins of autumn that wound my heart with a monotonous languor.

If you are  single you want to get a person to fall in love with you and you want to fall in love. You need this hypnotic magic that makes the moon appear in the sky and the stars shine at night, rather than ‘shopping for a wife’.

No girl wants to be shopped.

Mark Biernat

Conversely, no guy wants to be a girl’s solution for her singlehood. No guy wants to be the babymaker after she had her fun or tried to spin her psychological web and lock down so many other guys,  right? How unhigh is that to be someone’s last chance hope. I would rather live a quite life of desperation.

You want to be special. You want this eternal partner to mean something besides a good choice. Again there is no blame here. Most of us want to get married. However, we are human not AI. We are not optimizing our chances at a particular time. We want love, which is something an AI computer can not feel. No dating app, or bridal website will get you to love, no matter how well they are designed. What will get you to love is one thing. The ideal that true love exists. The ideal that love is more important than money or looks or cultural divide.

What is the solution and how to find a wife?

I can only tell you based on my experience. I am happily married for many years.  Many players and meet artist out there still scratching their heads and philosophizing, many online marriage sites trying to sell. Me – I am telling you like it is. You have to be a romantic. You have to be the meet artist who only wants one girl.

Evil is always possible. And goodness is eternally difficult.

Interview with a Vampire

You have to be the romantic.

1. Be honest with yourself. Do you believe in romantic love? If you do not I have got nothing for you.
2. I fantasized about romantic love not a wife. I imaged her in my fantasies before I went to bed. Not as a technique like laws of attraction, but this was my fantasy. Listen to classical music or something besides pop music. Listen to sounds that deepen your feelings. Read books that are from the romantic genre of literature. Do what you have to, unplug and discover what romanticism is about.
   
3. I prayed for love.  Hands down this will work. However, it takes time, it is not like putting an Amazon order in. If you can not wait, I have nothing for you.
   
4.  Be a good “duck” – insert an ‘f ‘where I wrote ‘d’.  I made myself attractive. Being OK looking and thinking you made money, so you are OK, is so unhigh.  You have to look like a good ‘duck’. I would buy stylish (cheap) clothes and make sure I was in top shape with a good haircut, being 5 underweight is not bad, so you are ripped a little. I would learn to chat up girls in person. You have to be a heart throb. I do not mean a pretty boy, I never was one of those, but you have to learn to be charming. You have to learn to be a pick-up artist, but use it for the pursuit of romantic love, not ‘action’. Be irresistible. Look like a good “f” when someone of the opposite gender sees you, but in reality be a hopeless romantic.  Be a good ‘duck’ but really someone who believes in eternal love.
5. Weekly church goer – Me, personally, I would not consider someone who was not a weekly church goer, but that is me. Why would I bond with someone who believes all roads end at the grave, when in my heart I know the biggest lie of our society is that there is that one is like Herbert Marcuse wrote, you are a One-Dimensional Man
   
6. You might say I am old school but I am not, I am new school.  Old school is using dating apps. New school is the real world.  Talk and meet girls in person. This is our relationship program from 1 million years of evolution. Do you think you are so smart you can override your hard-wiring with some little dating app? Be brave and courageous.

Let me know if you have questions. Contact me, subscribe, comment. I want you to find love.

A lot of guys tell me they can not go to one country or the other because they do not speak the language of that country.  Incorrect logic.

When I meet my wife I had been in Poland for about a month and did not speak Polish, except what I learned in  a little here and there, and she did not speak English except what she heard on songs and movies growing up. We could not speak the same language. I do not know how but we communicated. Something about attraction transcends languages.  Snapchat, meaningful texting was out, spending time with her and learning to communicate was in play.

The good thing, ironically was she did not want to go out with me. It gave me time to learn a little Polish and her to learn a little English why I tried. At first we spoke Polish then I got lazy or her English took off and and then I got lazy. I tend to think for evolutionary reasons women can meet a language easier (because women were required to transcend culture for marriage purposes and raising the children).

Therefore, the last thing you have to worry about is language.

More important than language

Worry if she believes in God and is walking the walk. Worry if she has intellectual curiosity. Worry if she is super cordial and will stay cordial (determining if a girl will stay cordial is another story).

But language, not an issue.  Language is a cipher. It is not something real, but a man made tool. And with all tools you can improvise.

Think of it like a recipe, if you do not have sugar, you can improvise. The other day I made homemade frozen yogurt and we were low in sugar, so,  I used other sweeteners like honey and stevia (I need to grow this plant). You similarly can sweeten the pot with other things besides fluent communication in a language. What about just walking and holding hands. What about teaching each other words, that is one of the best non-scary ways to get to know someone.

Origin of language in a philosophical sense

Existentialist philosopher say the genesis of language is the primordial scream of man when he first discovered he was alone in this universe in the wild. He became aware and needed to start to communicate beyond survival. I believe language is overrated, and that is coming from someone who creates language learning programs. What is behind the language is what counts. It is the awareness of life that matters not how one expresses it.

Religion is like a language. We are all expressing our belief in the Ultimate reality and are longing to be whole in our own ways of expression.  What matters in religion is the authenticity of the person behind the rituals.  Similarly what matters behind the language, is the feelings and person.

Many people speak the language but do not understand and many people speak different languages and communicate perfectly.  Stretching it a little is that not what Jesus was saying? He was communicating with not only the Jews but the Samaritans and people not in his culture.

They have eyes but they do not see, they have ears but do not hear – Mark 8:18

Hearing and having words is different from understanding.

What language does God speak? All and none. It does not matter. So the same applies to earthy love

What does it matters that language in dating is not a barrier mate selection?

It matters.  If you are a man or women, you are basically saying there are no limits. And this is the way it should be. We are going for the love of your life, not someone who makes sense. Love never makes sense. Love is always upside down and all wrong to start. It is one of the rites of passages to be able to overcome this. If you are not willing to suffer for love, than you are not worthy to be called a lover. Where is your piss and vinegar? Where is your zeal for the surreal experience of this life?

If you love someone what does it matter the language they speak or the culture they come from.  In fact it is beautiful to hear someone speak another language that you do not understand, it is like music.

What matters is you both are committed to each other, that you will be gentle not competitive. You will be patient. Love does not know ambition. Love is not about money, career or standard of living, but about love of each others as you are on your journey to the source of all love, God.

The math of dating a uni-linguistic person

More mathematically, lets say there are 375 million native English speakers. Lets say 1/4 of them are single females. That is 93.75 million women. I know my numbers are way off, but this estimate is to make a point.  If there are 7.6 billion people in the world then 1/4 of that is 1.9 billion single women in total. That means if you do not worry about language you will get a 501% increase in the number of single girls to date if you ignore this one aspect. That is a lot.  I personally think the best ones are outside the realm of native English speakers and there is less competition for one reason or anther. That means you personally could marry a 10. Yes you, if you jettison your hang ups.

Are you telling me you are that defeated by life that you can not find the girl for you out of a pool of 2 billion girls? Do you know how much a billion is? If every girls was on Tinder, and you observed theirphotofor a second, it would take

How many seconds in 2 Billion? 63 years,  138 days 5 minutes and 49.5686 seconds.   And here is the kicker, there are new girls coming on the market everyday, so even that statistic is understated.  Also you have to sleep and do other things.  It would take more than a lifetime.

Zeno’s Paradox of the Tortoise and Achilles and dating

My point is if you accept my premise that language does not matter, in one second you increase your chances of meeting your other half.  If you know calculus as the limit approaches a number, it becomes that number.  This explains Zeno’s Paradox of the Tortoise and Achilles. The take away is the more you remove the mental restrictions from your brain,  the math says with great certainty (and patience) you will 100% meet your mate.  If you understand the paradox and I suggest you read up on it.

What would be your strategy in a languageless world?

Look for girls that you think are cordial, in cultures you think are cordial. For example, for me personally I had always like brunettes with a snow white look. Maybe I read too many fairy-tales,   maybe because I come from a family of blonds.  When I met my wife she had really dark hair, yet blue eyes and almost pale, like the Snow White look. I did not think I would meet her when I was traveling through Poland. I was not trying to meet a girl, rather, my family came from Poland and I had an interest in history.  Eastern Europe has a lot of variation in looks because it is Slavic mixed with Jewish and Tartar, even me.

Go for what you like. If you like blonds, or redheads focus your travels on countries that a high percentage of this look. If you like the curves of Latin America, go for that. If you like South America but like blonds go for Argentina. There is something for everyone, as long as you do not restrict yourself by the language you speak.