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Spreadsheet Dating – Excel, Sheets or Calc to Find Love

Office Geeks and Spreadsheet Power-User Nerds need Love too

You have to get married. You have no choice. Either that, or you will for hear the rest of your life the question “Why did you not get married?”. To simply avoid this question is not the reason to get married but it tells you something about why we are really here.

I know there are a series of rationalizations you can put forth, how you do not believe in marriage or you just want to ‘co-parent’ or you were married and it did not work, or you can tell stories about the one that got away. However, the bottom line is that talk is for rationalizers, players or cowards.

Everyone can get married. If you do not feel you are attractive enough or women have changed, you are wrong. You are attractive and women want to get married.

You have to get married and this post tells you how to use an Excel or LibreCalc spreadsheet to put your dating into high gear and increase your probability.

I know this is a very left brain male approach. It is not the only way. It is just an idea, that is all. But from this you can get some perspective. Even just creating the spreadsheet might give you some insight to what you really want in life and what you do not want.

Dating with a Spreadsheet

I know this is Anti-Romantic. However, whenever I have a problem in life, I take it to Microsoft Excel. I actually use Libreoffice Calc for my spreadsheet because it is free and all you need. Things I have done with a spreadsheet include:

  • I designed my whole urban farm/garden
  • My Ph.D. thesis
  • My income and expenses
  • Calander of important events
  • Ideas for entrepreneurial activities
  • Websites mapped out
  • Complex investment accounting consulting

Spreadsheets are nothing more than a tool to help you organize. Word does little for the organization of ideas, you need to clarify in a linear way. How is Excell or LibreOffice Calc different from a “little black book” from the old days?

I know girls use little pink scapebook books of dreams and doodles but guy’s brains think different. That is why Excel (Google Sheets, Libre Office Calc) works for me. Maybe I will add some color to the rows and columns. Or use a diferent font. But for a guy, you need to organize your ideas or life will take you somewhere else.

  • The reason I like a spreadsheet is it forces you to be brief and concise in your ideas.
  • Any Dating site or Dating app is just an SQL database anyway, better you be the one who designs your vision.

If I was at the point where I was not married and in my 40s (or 20s or 30s and nothing is working), I would try everything. I would pull out all stops. I would sign up for every online dating website I could. Even though this contradicts my general advice of meeting women (or guys) in person.

My advice or columns or dating sites might not be yours. However, these exercises clarifies priorities. Girls might dislike this ideas, but, you see how women often think. They will be Doctors and go out with some biker guy. They often do not think things through when it comes to romance.

What dating sites would I try

I would even do Tinder. Better might be International dating sites. But best is I would sign up for Christian dating, Catholic dating, and organize my plan before just clicking. I know this seems to contradict much of my luddite advice, but you do not want to get the question of ‘why you never choose to marry’ for the rest of your life.

Being buried with your pet

You do not want to die alone or be buried with your pet as now is the trend among some of the ultra lonely who project everything on their pets. I see a number of people bring pets into grocery stores and in baby carriages. Some people have pets in the bedroom (could be OK but better is a woman).

For me, someone who is married with a family is a sign that they are willing to take risks and do things others will not. So do not let anyone intimidate you into thinking putting your dating life on a spreadsheet is strange, it is not. It might not be romantic but if it gets you to find true love you can delete the whole thing and never look back.

What I would put on column headers

I would format it like this:

  • First Name – You do not need much other biographical information. Looking online often does not yield relevant information like you might think. My wife to this day does not have a Facebook account. If I did not have websites I would delete mine. Sometimes you can find information, but better is to simply ask.
  • Cell phone number – once you have this you do not need a score of other contact information.
  • Physical attractiveness – Go for what you personally like. For me this has to be fantasy level. The good news is everyone can be attractive.
  • Religion – I think the same religion does matter, at least for me, but in theory, I could marry a woman from another religious entirely as long as she authentically into it.
  • Religious commitment – That is, does she go to service weekly and/or really walk the walk or in name only. This might be the most important entry on your spreadsheet. If you have a household not governed by the widsom of God, and your kids raised with the morals of the public schools, you will have an empty life. Maybe not at first, but you know how life is.
  • Virtue – How humble, compassionate and good listener they are. So many people, even “religious people”, swear, are headstrong, opinionated or generally not sweet. Someone who is empathetic towards the struggles in your life and can balance this out with wisdom an be a good listener than your days will be pleseant. Someone who says they are sorry a lot and is humble.
  • Money – Do they care about money? In my book, money is almost the opposite of love. Once you are married you might need to pay some of your bills. But my goodness, when you are young you should be full of piss and vinegar and be able to take Rt. 66 from Chicago to LA in a convertible that has the check engine light (putting a tape over it is effective) on or on your bike, or hike the Appalachian trail. Anyone who cares about money, I would heavely discount, or else you will be a slave to her your whole life, even if you do not stay married.
  • Education – It is a sign that someone can make a commitmit and follow through.
  • Earthiness – Do they know anything about agriculture or nature or are they hyperconsumptive buying things in packages.
  • Romantic – Someone who believes in love and its mystical quality.

That is it. Perhaps it could be faith, beauty and virtue. Keep it simple.

Get the raw numbers

Try as many approaches as you can. If you had 100 girls on a spreadsheet, there is one that will be a 10,10,10 for faith, beauty and virtue.

Sign up for dating sites, free ones, paid ones, it does not matter. Approach girls on the street. I would, as the pain in my life broke much of my inhibitions. Do you really care what other people think of you, I do not.

Ultimately once your clarify what you are looking for and have practiced this in your spreadsheet, you can delete it and find the love of your life.

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Cell Phone Apps to Meet Girls or Wisdom?

I am so out of the game. I do not want to mislead you. However, my knowledge is relevant more than ever.

Great knowledge is often forgotten

Yes I am aware of all the chatting apps to meet strangers and girls on your cell phone. Apps like:

  • Chatous
  • Bandoo
  • Tinder
  • Zoosk
  • Hily
  • Hindge
  • Match
  • OKCupid
  • Moco

These are to name a few. I may review some of these someday. I am not against technology. However, real power comes from somewhere else besides the Playstore or the Apple Store.

Don’t be too proud of this technology…The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Darth Vader

What I have learned in my PhD research

For example, I started researching monetary theory for my PhD. I read scores of articles in modern literature. However, now I am a reading few modern economists, rather researching the classics Why? Because classic writers of the last two centuries had greater insights into monetary theory than the minds of today. In fact, modern information I find on the web is vastly inferior.

Knut Wickell, or Ludwig Von Mises or Carl Menger, for example, are eons beyond Paul Krugman or something you find on a web search. These minds of the past penetrated deeper into the reality of our current day economics, than the noise that streams through modern technology, like our cell phone.

If Bobby Fisher were alive today and starting out, he could dominate chess, with or without the current technology. He started out on chess board bought at the old Five and Dime store, with a sometimes homeless single mother. The key thing is he was interested in chess and his ability to take risks (more on that latter). Metaphorically and literally, often technology makes us weak. If you drive everywhere we get fat. If we use dating apps and social media too much, we get authentically feeble and so do the girls we meet.

Do not let technology deny you of your birthright. Be the great person that you are.

Mark Biernat

I coach chess and can beat the other coaches hands down. They use Fritz, one of the best phone app and computer-based chess coaches. I just use my brain. Old school still works. I improved the most taking simply a minor piece on a board and moving it until the patterns became embedded in my mind and I could visualize the board.

The key here is, not if your approach to getting dates, you will always get dates, but do you get the right ones. Try grounding yourself in the real-world or use technology as an ‘after thought’ rather than your hook, line and sinker. If you really want win, and I mean the love of your life be willing to try unconventional methods.

What effect has this technology had on making you a better human being? What effect has this technology had on you, or as important, ‘the girl who catches your eye’ a better human being? That is all that matters.

So how is this different than anything in life? If not real more fun the virtual? To feel pain and disappointment better than to be dropped by a chick digentally. I want real. I want to feel pain.

Better to feel pain than nothing at all

If the best stock traders of the past, were to be placed back into the stock market game today, I image with a little updating, they would do well. What is Shakespeare were alive, would the cell phone enhance the beauty of his words?

Da Vinci would not need digital software to create masterpieces, and if he had would they have been timeless works of art? What about Mozart who contrary to popular myth did not create music out of thin air, but studied it since infancy.

Besides the cloaking -physically are they not the same girl, but one would cause you trouble and another marital happiness?

Yes use your phone and social media to find girls

My point is the wisdom you need to meet the love of your life has little to do if you use technology or not. Yes, use your phone if you want. Yes, use dating websites. It is OK. Call girls on their mobile phones. It is fine as long as you know what is real and what is not.

  • Once you get strong again, like you were as a child full of imagination and hope, you might want to discard the crutches.

Remember, the key determinate criteria if you will meet the girl of your dreams is the technology of your brain and heart. The heart thinks and not just metaphorically, but it beyond the scope of this article. These two organs are better than any cell phone connection.

I remember this poor Chinese teen that sold one of his kidney’s to buy an iPhone 1. Where is that technology now compared to the priceless part of his body?

Relay on your own hardware and software. Develop and update that software rather than your phone or the next app or social media advice.

Awareness equated with dating power

What is real? How do you define real ‘? If you’re talking about what you can feel what you can smell what you can taste and see then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain?


Try to understand what is real and what is not. That has been a recurrent theme that I write about.

Because what is real will get you to marital bliss. What is not real is a house built on sand.

You build your house on what is not real, it will be washed away.

If a girl is obsessed with her phone now, do you think she will be different when you are married? The kids will be crying and dinner will be burning and she will be on Facebook or checking her mobile phone or taking a selfie.

You might consider a girl who for some reason is not on her phone too much or uses it, but is not overwhelmed by it. I do not know if my wife is the ultimate yardstick for everyone, but she dislikes having any images of herself on the web. I basically forced her once to do a YouTube video on a Chromebook, as an experiment, but that was it.

Perhaps consider someone who does not put themselves out there.

I even saw a Mennonite woman who did a YouTube on her morning routine. I understand, they are a new family and need to generate web income. But I lost a little respect for her.

Think of the 1960s and 1970s, during the Sexual revolution. People were connecting left and right before technology. Or the 14th Century France with the ideal of courtly love. What do you think the Middle Ages was about? People had fewer distractions so whatever were they doing, you know the people who had 14 kids and all? I do not see too many people having that many kids today.

Not to mention the huge decline in male ‘seed count’ over the last fifty years. I wonder if that has anything to do directly or indirectly with technology?

An acquaintance of mine runs a dating website

The guy runs one of the largest dating websites and cell phone apps in the world. I will not say which one. I use to work with him. Fifteen years of running it he is still not married. He wants to get married, but girls do not stay with him. In stark contrast, I see a lot of guys who are humble, poor locals, with do lawn care who know who to sweet talk a girl without a phone or technology get married and stay married have children and live happily ever after.

How I would meet a girl today

Do you want a happy life? Find a chick who is not putting herself out there. Meet her in a club or in Church or on some charity project or in school. Most of my students still meet in school. Take a class in foraging food in the wild. Join a permaculture group or a cooking class, travel. Go aboard and meet women.

I am going to Europe in a few weeks for my school. If I was not married, and I am 100% married, do you think I would have any trouble meeting women everywhere I go? I do not even bring my cell phone when I travel. The airport, the youth hostel, the street, the market? All without a phone.

Friends, meeting a girl has to do with where you are in your life. If you have “wisdom” in the old-school sense. Meeting the love of your life will just happen, when you have been tested and tried in life. technology come with improving technological devices or flirting techniques or advice from others on the web who are not married themselves on where and how to connect with women. My advice is wisdom trumps all of this.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

1 Corinthians 1:25

In fact, I am writing part of my Ph.D. on this premise in economics. Specifically improved econometric techniques and computing power have not to lead us to money macro equilibrium or optimal economic income diversity or high growth.

Attitude determines altitude

I promise you the power of your spiritual level will determine your mate. So if I were you, I would work this unseen intangible side and you will be running from the girls who are chasing you. This depends not on what you look like or how much money you have in your bank account or cell phone apps you have. Take the attitude that this world is largely illusionary and the things people focus on like money and looks are not what is real. It is like the matrix or Plato’s Allegory of the caves. Once you realize this, you will be unstoppable and be able to get chicks movies stars cannot.

What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets? – Neo
No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to. – Morpheus

Look at me, in my basic clothes, and not having two nickels to rub together, I would get dates from top looking women all day long. That is not a boast it is a fact. I do not want to, nothing would be more unappealing to me.

What if your life thus far has been pretty sucky?

What is if you have an average or boring or a painfully lonely life so far? What if you tried everything and God does not seem to answer your prayers (God hears, he is saying learn patience). You tried and you are tired of it all. Great you have the red badge of courage, the battle scars of life. You will be stronger for it.

I would be able to get the dates not because of my texting ability and agility, but because much of my life was pain, suffering and lament. This raised my awareness. People look at me say ‘you are so happy’, what could you have gone through? It does not matter.

Take your suffering and offer it up to God.

Start to realize your power, and see yourself for who you really are, a great spiritual being. A strand of energy between heaven and earth and on a mission to do something beyond great in this world, something people do not do now days. I don’t know something crazy, like having a family and raising children with more importance than your career or fame.

Additionally, I am well read. I read books with paper pages. Books, you know the classics or modern writers who read the classics.

I take risks like living in other countries, including where I do not speak the language. Taking small risks at first and then build to bigger risks.

Take a day of rest. Go off the grid every Sunday (or Saturday). Do not shop or spend money or work, rather go on a day trip in nature after service once a week.

I believe in prayer. I believe in humility as one of the sweetest virtues. I travel in my imagination during the day and daydream a lot.

All this sums up to a person that women and others respond to and they do not know why. It is this intangible quality of life that attracts women.

Just think about it OK?

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Education and Marriage Success

I am a college economics professor and getting PhD, and I am a school chess coach. I can with good authority say, that education is one of the best ways to live a successful, happy fulfilled life. Further, it can get you married and get you to stay married.

there are two fairly significant correlations with regards to education. One is you will earn more income. This is pretty straightforward. The second is you will be more likely to stay together in marriage. Yes, you can show me exceptions to the rule and point to people who have done it without and I think that is great. But the reality is the more educated you are, generally you will make more and stay married.

Evidence of the positive effect of education on life and relationships

You can research yourself but here is some data:

Do not be surprised if beauty and virtue are synonymous

How education can be your dating strategy

I think the above correlations make sense in the content that education is painful. It takes commitment and it takes perseverance. It takes cognitive diligence and the ability to overcome circumstances. You need to be able to go through with a commitment. You have to stick with it even though it has ups and downs. Therefore I think it is no coincidence, especially with the data to support my argument, that women and men with only high school educations are more likely to split. In contrast men and women with a college education are less likely to break up. If you have a couple with Masters degree or PhDs they usually stay together.

The idea is the ‘consistency of behavior’. If someone can be trusted in little things they can be trusted with big things. That is if someone consistency with regards to going to class and actually getting their degrees, then I think there is a greater chance they will stick it out when times are hard in a relationship.

Education is almost a stamp of persistence and dedication

How does this translate into a search for a spouse

Forget the endogenous and exogenous variables what do these studies mean for you? Here is what it means. Look for someone who is educated at least to your level.

Yes, on one level educational achievement never mattered to me, because people have different ideas and circumstances about how to live their life. On the other hand:

a tree will be known by its fruit

Luke 6:44

For example, when I meet my wife I did not know or ask her level of education. I thought my wife had a high school degree for a year into dating. However, she had a Masters and a medical college. I did not base my rapport with her on her resume, but rather all the subtle hints my subconsciousness received that she had an elevated mind.

Love sees with the heart and not with the eyes

My relationship with my wife while dating was captivating for me partially because she loved to read and converse on topics in-depth and with an intellectual curiosity. Just her vocabulary and her ability to analyze issues were indications that she was an educated person.

In contrast, with exceptions, you can tell an uneducated person within a few minutes of speaking to them. Often these are the people you will encounter at a party or social gathering or when you are interacting, and within a few sentences your subconscious brain knows who you are dealing with. When having a tête-à-tête with an uneducated girl you often want to escape from the conversation and their nonsense. In your mind, you say to yourself ‘at some level, this person has nothing more to offer’ and the enchantment of their beauty disappears.

Education is easy pickings for critics and cynics

I know there is a lot of criticisms of our education system. I am often education’s largest critic. However, considering the positives and the negatives, education or at least the people who educate themselves are more stable in relationships and in my experience are more interesting to be around. Their minds seem to possess a little more intellectual curiosity and have a little more objectivity.

Often those in the limelight, whether it be on Youtube or in the entertainment industry, people who have the spotlight, are not educated. Some might even tout you do not need an education. You might draw a conclusion from these flexers that education is not an essential ingredient to life success. My rebuttal is – I would rather have my life than theirs.

People in my class have class

For example, I noted that in my PhD program the people have a calm, relaxed and cheerful demeanor. They are reserved in their opinions and if they have them, they are cautious and listen to your opinion with interest and consideration, rather than reacting. When I am in class I am happy and feel refreshed. Then, when I go back home and am shopping at Walmart or interacting with some rude or an opinionated customer service person, I feel depressed.

If you extrapolate that approach to interpersonal relationships, would you not want a spouse who is intelligent? You want a partner who is not reactive, but rather cool, calm and collective, a problem-solver and tries to see issues with objectivity?

Classroom of life

  • In the classroom of life, specifically when you are married, it seems like it is a series of tests that require patience and problem solving skills.

For example, not that marriage is a test, or a challenge – it is not, marriage is easy, rather life sometimes puts you through challenges. For example, life challenges are choosing a house or a job based on commute time, versus income or a school for your child, or budgeting. What will you do when something breaks and you do not have the money? If you are educated you have a better change to navigate through these problems. Are you going to give up or react, or are you going to with a calm, objective mind, be persistent in trying to solve the problem? When you have a partner who does this it makes life easier. You want to marry someone who is educated and this will make your life go smoother (generally).

Education trains your mind, but also helps you in mate selection. It helps you determine who has this ability to follow through with long terms goals and plans despite adversity.

  • My warning however, is not to collapse this into an Americanized version of simply adding this filter to a dating app or website. Rather just beware of the influence of education, particularly a liberal arts education at a graduate level life quality.

A stable home often leads to a stable future marriage

Perhaps it might be as simple as people who are educated generally come from a more stable home environment and therefore, are more emotionally stable. I do not want to be pedantic. However, if I am selfish and honest I want to couple with a smart person in life.

I know my message to you about choosing an educated person sounds like a bold statement, but I wold refer back to the statistics on income, crime, longevity, marital success. Granted it is only one variable, but I am saying, if you are going to spend the next fifty plus years with someone day in and day out, choose someone who excites the largest organ of arousal in your body, your brain.

You want your genes to propagate

When choosing a spouse on a subconscious level I also think you are choosing someone who will raise a good family. There is evidence that when the parents are educated the children do better in life and have a higher IQ. You want your genes to survive so why not choose a mate that will facilitate this and according to it looks like someone who is educated.

Another strategy for gene propagation is to live in a double-wide and have eight kids. However, you could live in trailer and have eight kids and be educated. Would that not be better?

You can be a slacker as long as you are educated and the same goes for your spouse.

My ancestry comes from Eastern Europe and one of the reason the Ashkenazi Jews fared well was their culture stressed education. Even with surmountable odds against them, they somehow survived because they educated themselves. Maybe circumstances are not so extreme today but maybe they are on an analogous level for the time, when you consider how much the country in going into debt and how the Gini coefficient shows an increasing stratification of income.

Weird urban single hermits

Are people who have an education snobs? Maybe some are, but I think it is no worse than what a lot of people do, that is become some weird urban hermits that belittle education or careerists whose ego defense mechanisms weave a world of opinions to justify their hermitage and single-hood. At least in school you are participating in life.

Education is so conventional

Never confuse school with your education

Mark Twain

You can be unconventional and educated. The two are not mutually exclusive. For example, I grow my own food on an organic homestead, see myself as an online entrepreneur, traveled the world on a backpack, literally hitchhiking and camping out in parks, I am basically Peter Pan. Few of my ideas are conventional, for example, I personally think we do not need US currency rather a classic commodity standard would bring price stability and higher growth than the Federal Reserve. I would do a yoga retreat anytime or walk the Appalachian trail, the whole thing, if the opportunity avails.

Stretch your mind and your life experience will change

Yet, when it comes to education, as enlighten and aware as think I am, I believe other people can still teach me something. I believe my brain needs to be challenged and stretched in ways that go beyond my solitary quest and exploitation of this existence.

It is very easy to poke fun at our schooling. However, the truth is, even if one in ten of your professors are worth your tuition, when you can get a professor who is life changing or has an influence on you it elevates you. Who is not inspired by stories of beautiful minds?

What does this meaning when choosing a husband or wife? You want someone who is always inspired and excited about ideas. Not trivial and base things like money and prestige, but impressed by eternal things like virtue and the mind.

We all add up to one hundred percent and are all children of God, so going through a formalized education system does not matter. Yet on a humanistic level, rather than spiritual level I just enjoy spending my time around people who challenge me intellectually. It is not the facts you learn but the who idea of learning that makes education important.

Its really about you life experience

Education has another benefit, that is, it expands and trains your mind if you have good professors. If your school is about multiple choice questions and standardized tests, I would switch schools. If your school is about online courses, I would switch schools. If your school has teachers that really challenge your brain and draw information out with the Socratic method, than this will benefit you, your whole life.

Anyone who does not live at the height of their culture, swindles themselves out of their own life.

Its funny how the more you educate yourself, the people you find attractive are more intelligent

Good news about School – It is where the hot girls are

Both as a teacher and a student, I can unequivocally say that there, is an infinite stream of attractive women you want to marry who are in school. I would say one in twenty of my students has an Instagram account. Most people in my Ph.D. program post to their Facebook, once a year or so. In my hundreds and hundreds of students, I have really only a couple that has a Youtube account. My point is if you are looking online for girls to marry, why not consider an alternative reality, school. The ones that are more offline than online are women you want to marry. If you want to be counter culture and buck the trend, find a sweetheart in school or who educated.

  • As a college professor I can say people meet in my class and date.

If a girl spends time online tending to her social media compared to her education, chances are when you are married she will spend more time on social media.

What type of Education is optimal for mating and life fulfillment?

My recommendation is go for an education. I know it seems long run and boring and a waste but it is not. You will develop and meet people, that will change you world.

What types of education do I recommend? I think a classical education or home school or a parochial school is best for K-12. Public school is good if the child is enrolled in after school chess for example and goes to tournaments on the weekend.

For a college the best are small liberal arts schools or if you can not afford it a small state school over the big factory universities. A school that does not interfere with your education, that is gives you just enough structure without being an institution.

Forget practical, go for that liberal arts girl

For Master, best is not an MBA or a Law Degree. Education can lead to arrogance if it is coupled with a false sense of elevation based on what society though income matrix gives feedback on. However, as a note my counter to that is uneducated people can also be arrogant. Mental power needs to be tempered with wisdom.

To get this combination of education and wisdom, my recommendation is rather than focus on the practical, focus on a broad liberal arts experience. For example better is to major in Economics, Psychology, political science, English or Philosophy, again, liberal arts. Education is not about getting the degree, but about the exam of life. So if you educate yourself for money itself, it is a waste of time. If you educate yourself or choose someone who educates themselves for wisdom and learning in and of itself than you will win and choose a winner.

Find that liberal arts girls who looks amazing for you. Educate yourself, not with an online MBA or a nursing degree or something practical, but educate yourself with something impractical but you love, like philosophy or art history and do it with real brick and mortar classes. The amount of time and mental energy you spend on looking for a girlfriend, boyfriend or wife would be better spend in class where it could happen magically for you anyway.

Too old or in a career?

What if you are in your career and too old? I would recommend pick out a burial plot and call it a day. Just be honest – you are waiting for the measureless gulf of eternity to shallow you and wipe your seed from the face of the earth.

Are we clear? Do not take council of your fears, but rather educate yourself and move forward in your life in some remarkable way, start to think of ways to improve your life for the long term.

In conclusion

I would put religion as #1, looks #2 and education as #3 for criteria for selecting a mate you can spend your life with. Why ignore the wisdom of the ages that proclaims: Mens sana in corpore sano?

All things mind and body

If you do not know where to start looking for a wife or husband or how to continue your education, write me in the comment or to my contact.

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Prayer vs. Law of Attraction for Love

 Prayer compared to Law of Attraction for love and marriage

In this post, I am looking at two ideas, prayer and the law of attraction and asking the question, are they essentially the same for finding the love of your life.

As a corollary to this question there is another question: are traditional religions coupled with prayer different than the modern version of spirituality and the laws of attraction in the context of marriage? I am not here to be nice to you or be politically correct or proselytize. I am not my brother’s keeper. I am already married and happy. Let us look at this objectively as the above questions are relevant to your dating life.

Yield to the logic of the situation

Mr. Spock

Consider this powerful idea

Deeply embedded in every religion is the idea of creation. I am not talking about the creation of the cosmos, that is debatable, rather, procreation. Procreation is not debatable. That is creation, through a Divine union entailing intimate physical relations.

This underlying premise in religion, lives in people’s subconsciousness and dwarfs any conflicting messages they may have from their generation’s social mores.

It is a powerful message when your religion tells you ‘you should be fruitful and multiply’. This ancient message can contradict modern messages of  ‘you do not need to get married or you can do it alone and enjoy your life’.

Even if you are a mess in your head, your faith tells you, having physical relations in the context of marriage is not only guilt-free but good, even required.  You are told it is your oblation to have relations frequently and freely, in the content of marriage. How is that for being direct and to the point?

There is no, if, or buts. That is a central part of being married if you are religious. Further, it is recommended you do not use artificial barriers. If this is part of your religion, a core part, then you better believe it, religious people are motivated to get married.

People who are specifically religious, rather than spiritual want to get married and have a family.

The marriage solution – I know 0.00% hot looking religious people who are not married or on their way to married.

This combo and looks plus religion is what I call the marriage solution. Before you escape, read on, I will look at this objectively. Consider the power of transcendent ideals coupled with homo sapiens’s need for physical contact. Then add something called prayer.

Yes, you can marry this beauty, but will her ‘spiritual’ belief system result in a lifelong committed marriage? Or despite her being a ‘good person’, ultimately are you one step along her fluid personal journey?

Why not just be spiritual?

Lets first look at the idea of religion compared to the popular culture idea of laws of attractions. Laws of attraction is the straw man which represents pop culture general spirituality. That is a positive idea or set of ideas that seem to emulate religion without all the bureaucracy and nonsense. Even I like this free thinking idea. I even recommend techniques to find love here that are similar, such as visualisation to find love or image your ideal princess or prince.

The issues there is no strong commitment to an ideal on par with ‘crossing the desert’ or ‘carrying the cross’, ‘giving up your life for a higher calling’, ‘a life of self-denial’.  On the contrary, spirituality today is often messed with the idea of what is best for you at the time. Therefore, people who are ‘spiritual’ tend not to be as committed to marriage to the same degree as prayerful people in the pews.

Further, even if people consider these two things synonymous,  the power of laws of attraction for some reason is not as strong as traditional prayer.

What is the Law of attraction?

Law of Attraction is a resurrection of the ideas of Joseph Murphy’s Power of the Subconscious Mind, which is a reinstatement of ideas that go back further. The idea is your subconscious mind communicates to the universe to help you find love. I do not have an issue with this, even if it is wrapped in a New Age cloak because many people today are not traditionally religious. I understand and respect that and recommend Joseph Murphy’s book. I have never read The Secret as frankly, it seems like too much nonsense, someone’s own way to make money.

Law of Attraction results

Objectively it would be challenging to compile statistics to determine if the of attraction works. However, I would say there are a lot of Youtubers promoting it and making claims so we might cautiously say there is anecdotal evidence.

However, I would also like to point out it seems the Youtubers promoting the LOA are themselves single and are not actually married, just dating or with a significant other.

That does not mean it is not effective, it just says, despite the popularity of the concept I do not see overwhelming scientific validation that it is better than being a farmer or a sports fan for example.

I can not say definitively there is a cause-effect relationship with the law of attraction and finding love. For example, if you look at farmers or sports fans statically are they worse off then people who use of attraction to find a spouse? You would have to filter out too many variables and do a cross-sociological study to determine if there is any evidence to support the use of the law of attraction alone as a determinant factor. Anecdotal evidence is intriguing but I can not say either way beyond personal experience.

Who has more of a relationship commitment probability?

Is prayer effective in finding love?

Prayer coupled with traitional religion works. Here is some evidence that religion is associated with marriage and a lower divorce rate.

Even these statistics have issues. Also, the degree of commitment is not reflected in this study.  For example, people could be lukewarm and ‘in name only’ association to an affiliation and this might skew the statistics of people in contrast to people who are, example, Amish.

However, based on we can conclude that the devoted and service goers are generally married and less likely to break up. The people I know that are to their faith are happy in marriage. The ones that are lukewarm are lukewarm in marriage.

What about just being spiritual and praying? The stats do not pan out the same. It is something about having a commitment to a core set of (with all their imperfections) that go beyond the conventional wisdom of being spiritual.

In religion it is about giving up yourself. Some people are willing to die for their religion. However, spirituality is often whatever suits your needs. Therefore, when it comes to marriage partners who will be more committed, and , with you not if things get rough but when things get rough?

Sad story of a spiritual woman

For example, I know a woman personally, who went on a Tony Robbins empowerment seminar in Mexico with her husband.  She met another man there who started a Tequila business and ran off with him. His net worth was ten times more than the current husband. She chalked it up to ‘different partners at different times in our journey’. Let us be real, the man sells a drug, called alcohol. He ran off with another man’s wife. Now she is back in town giving seminars on empowerment and spiritual LOA type talk.

Guys can you now see my point? Open your eyes. Women who are spiritual, but not , are for marriage as and they have a high flight .

Give me a character out of Fiddler on the Roof any day over that lady. I know what love and marriage are about and it indeed is not that lady’s set of beliefs.

“Give me that old-time religion
It’s good enough for me” – Gospel Song 1873 – Traditional religious commitment is correlated to relationship commitment

What about prayer to find love?

Based on my personal experience in life nothing compares to a simple prayer. Forget all the mumbo jumbo, just ask God for a wife or husband. This might be something you want to explore if you are looking for love. Eventually, you may find yourself jettisoning the rules and karmic based thoughts of the Laws of Attraction and your ‘paralysis through analysis’ and replace it with a simpler idea. Specifically asking the all-loving God to help you find your soul mate.

The simple reveals itself after the complex has been exhausted

Again I have no major issue with the laws of attraction. But for me, prayer is like a key that opens the door in the morning and closes it in the evening.  Ironically there are no rituals needed, no purification of your thoughts or long minutes spent in meditation. It can be as simple as asking for help. When you have a busy schedule and are metaphorically ADD like me. A 1-minute ask is easier than doing the whole Zen thing.

If you are hiking in the forest even better in my experience as you can feel some transcendence.

What if you do not believe in God? OK, I understand that. You can still pray, something might happen.

A match of a spiritual person with a religious person

Should you marry someone with different beliefs? Here is a rational answer: Non-religious and religious marriage.

My answer is less rational more to the point. OK, you might say, Mark, ‘I am not religious but I should get a good religious girl right?’ Wrong, you do not have the right to do that to someone. You need to choose someone as idealistic as you are. If you are not that idealistic maybe you should consider a hobby like collecting than marriage. The whole idea of marriage is based on ideal that not make sense to the modern culture we live in.


Because of our traditions, we’ve kept our balance for many, many years. Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything… How to sleep, how to eat… how to work… how to wear clothes. For instance, we always keep our heads covered, and always wear a little prayer shawl that shows our constant devotion to God. You may ask, “How did this tradition get started?” I’ll tell you! …I don’t know. But it’s a tradition… and because of our traditions… Every one of us knows who he is and what God expects him to do.

Tevye – Fiddler on the Roof

I meet a couple of girls in Amsterdam staying in my room. They were with long-term boyfriends but not married.  They said they might never get married. I asked them if they were religious, the answer was not at all, but they had beliefs and ideal, just not about God the ultimate reality. They even meditated and did affirmations. In the they said they did not see marriage in their future.

In contrast to spirituality, I know countless and I mean countless people of faith from all religions who are happily married. Think of all the pious humble, Muslims, Jews, Christians from the prophetic religions of Isreal or Hindus and Buddhists from the mystical religions of India that are married and have a family. How many traditional people are married? Billions.

I am just asking you to put the thoughts which are in the Western Collective unconsciousness in perspective of the world and history.

  • With all the issues with religion, that does not negate the power of prayer.

In my personal life, I asked God to help me find true love. When I met my wife, I put this in God’s hands, even if I was still asking. I am married.

Why not tap into the ultimate source of love and compassion in the Universe. Why leave it to your own responsibility and burden? Why carry that weight, you are already doing everything you can now to find true love. Why not start down a path that Billions of people have taken before that leads them to marriage?

Why prayer does work and Law of Attraction might not?

There are a lot of components to this analysis. For example, LOA works on one level, that is it taps into the great ocean of the collective consciousness which we are all connected and sends and message through this bio-psychological ether to communicate with your other half and brings destiny and reality together like gravity.

My thesis is prayer does that also. However, there is an additional benefit. Prayer usually involves a community. Your church, synagogue or temple or mosque. Even if you are not active, you are still somehow communing with people that beyond individual efforts.

In other words, even if you are not religious and do not attend service,  I believe somehow, praying within a construct of belief, somehow gives a little more power to that ask.

What if you are agnostic or atheist?

This means you might be an agnostic former Catholic, Methodist or Jew, but still, in the deep parts of your you have a question, not your faith but your doubts.

You questioned and lost your faith years ago.  ‘You put away childish things’, right? The notion that there is this projection that is a father figure in a flowing white suit on a chair watching mostly our actions with regards to our intimate choces.

But what did not go away were your doubts. This fundamental existential

You rationally cannot swallow the fairy-tale. Yet, you have doubts. Not doubts about faith. Rather subconscious doubts about agnosticism and atheism. Like before he left the Maxtix, the question was burning in him.

It is beyond the scope of this article, but just be open to the idea that your subconscious doubts are haunts you.

That maybe there is a complex stratification of reality. Maybe there is an ultimate reality beyond these Platonic caves we hide out in.

What if you have tried prayer and it is not working?

It will work, patience, .  Sometimes at this time, the answer is no. I thank God for all the people God spared me from. See my discussion : When God is not answering your prayers for a soulmate.

Pay attention to your own looks. Make yourself as beautiful as you can while you wait for your soulmate. I think people underestimate looks. Looks are critical. I made a video here on how to be good looking.

Keep up your prayer. Prayer is like a chain, each day it strengthens your power. Why not tap into the ultimate power for help?

Get a Wife or Husband

Having a foreign wife in America

The subtleties of interpersonal relationships are felt by the sensitive. This is manifest in one particular aspect of my life, I am married to a foreign bride. The post will look as strange vibes I get because I have an international marriage and live in the United States. However, if anything, it confirms my view that I made the right choice not to marry the girl next door, but across the big pond

My recommendation is marry someone beyond the boarders

My strong personal recommendation is married someone from another country, if your country is not congruent with your social values. It does not matter what place in the world you choose, South America, Europe, Africa, Asia you want to marry a girl from another world. Find a world which fits your vision of love, where romantics our number career people.

I even go a step further and recommend a girl from the village.  The girl could be living in the city because she is going to school and working. However, you want her to have roots in the agrarian-based small town.

Cataclysmic mistake of marrying someone who lives near you

In my subjective opinion, it is a cataclysmic mistake to marry a girl from the city or any suburb of America who does not evince extreme ideals, unless they are from some overriding subculture. I do not know like they are Amish or something. I am not a strict cultural determinist.  However,  cultures and micro-cultures shape our personalities in our formative years. These ideals are a bond for the relationship.

  Why try to teach a girl about values and culture. Better is to marry one who is already there, and you grow together. The US immigration visa issues can be worked out.

Note I am not categorically putting down American women at all. I know a lot of people get sucked into the negativity of this. Rather, you need to understand that culture plays a huge role in determining personality and relationships. I think American is an a non-romantic epoch currently. It might swing back someday, but today we live in a goal orientated society. I am not, I am a romantic. If you are too find a dreamy idealistic – materialistic romantic also.

After all, the chief business of the American people is business

Calvin Coolidge

My experience in America marrying a girl from abroad

When I am at the playground and in my social circles here in America, and I am with my wife Kasia from Poland, I sometimes get some weird vibes from American women. They assume that I found her online, or that she is a simple girl who is uneducated. They surmise that about me too because I could not for some reason get a girl here. Yes, I found my wife aboard but there is more to the story.

Therefore, I went online to order a bride. The American women I encountered,  try to find ways to ‘one-up’ me in the social pecking order I guess. Their husbands even snicker a little, like ‘oh this guy married a foreigner.’ They do this to feel better about themselves, or to compensate. However, I suspect there is some jealousy as my wife is beautiful and their wives are more often than not are, let us be honest, portly from consuming and store-bought ready-made inorganic diet.

American women generally are not my cultural style and they judge me.

Aware, intelligent people have the opposite effect, they are inquisitive and polite and they are not competing with ego.

With tangential acquaintances, it mostly does not affect either way.

We have been socially ostracized in a subtle passive-aggressive way in many relationships. I would have no problem with if I married the girl next door in America with conforming values to their social norms.

What is so wrong with wanting to marry a beautiful idealistic girl?

Some things we do different than Amerian wives

  • We grow much of our food. This is what people in the village do back home. I have a small orchard of fruit trees, about twenty-five, from apples to Avocados to pomegranates to olives. We have a mini-vineyard of muscadines. I have several fields where I grow greens and vegetables. These greens are most of the production. We have chickens for eggs. We go to Wholefoods to supplement with milk, butter, oils and treats for our daughter as well as some meat now and then.
  • We cook 100% of our meals. We do not buy packaged food.
  • We do not use a microwave.
  • We do everything ourselves. From haircuts to makeing fences  to making wallpaper glue.
  • We go to the Doctor only when needed, and would use a drug only if required, which is let us be honest never. Most cases herbs do the trick.
  • My wife sews clothes and makes cool looking styles rather than just buying the newest item from Target.
  • My daughter does not engage in the typical soccer mom after-school programs. She plays chess, or we prefer her to have unstructured time so she can be in her imagination and be a child.  Running barefoot and playing with other children in the stream is better than Karate classes for example.
  • We always have a book in our hands, philosophy, literature, and prefer not to engage in excessive ideal small talk.  We are not arrogant; it is just our style.
  • We have never put career above family. I am making little to no money, but my wife and my daughter shave me all the time, and these are crucial years. We will never get them back.  In villages, people spend more time at home than in their careers. In America, economic, social order determines how people relate to you. In the village, not as much.
  • We speak different languages at home.
  • We are church-going Catholics. You would be surprised how this is two strikes against us in this politically correct America.
  • My wife is skinny. I am skinny. If this does not stir up tension, I do not know what does.
  • We do not eat in restaurants. The food is never as good.
  • We do not like sports.
  • Politically, I would rather not touch this as it is too divisive, but we do not fit in with the ethos of the Moms and Dads at the playground from either political party. But you can ask me if you are curious.
  • Our daughter does to a parochial school. No way would I send our daughter to an American public school. I will homeschool her if we run out of money.
  • The list goes on.

What is really important to my wife

However, the above list is just surface behavior really. What it comes down to is this, my wife is very humble. She does not care about surface things like careers, girls night out,  mani-pedi or taking cruises or impressing people. She cares about God. She cares about taking care of her family.  That is it. God and family, not money. the end that is all that matters.

So when I show up at the park with my wife, who is skinny, with hair people judge. My latest theory is they are jealous that they are not thin, stylish and articulate.

People judge us, make assumptions and it is actually quite funny.

The truth verses reality

  • What is perceived: They think we are uneducated. I have comments thinking we went only to high school.
  • Reality: I am getting a Ph.D. and my wife has a Masters with several years of school post graduate.
  • What is perceived: We can not get a job or do not want to because we can not afford to participate at the school bake sales and symbolism over substance rah-rah events, and we do not keep up with the Jones.
  • Reality: At my peak, I was making close to 200k. I choose to be a college economics professor now as I am studying for my Ph.D. My wife is working on software at home as an entrepreneurial venture. We both compete in USCF chess tournaments.
  • What is perceived: Online catalog wife.
  • Reality: I was traveling, I met my wife in person, she did not want to go out with me, so I stayed in the country and won her heart. I have roots in Poland and Ukraine, my parent’s second language was English. I have an interest in the country and learned the language as an adult. I was not browsing online, found my wife and click. click, I ordered her. It would be no different than you dating someone from another state.

In a word, my wife is from abroad and I am thrilled.

Mark Biernat

OK this is not anything against American women. Many are wonderful, it is just that since I came from a European culture growing up, traditional values, faith in God, it made sense to be married to someone that see the world the way I do.

Boarders are not national.

I recommend you do the same. Do not worry what others will say or think if you want to find a foreign wife. You can do it online, yes, I did not and recommend travel over online brides, but get your feet wet and try something different and out of the box. If you are single, think outside the box and outside the boarders that are only self imposed.

If you want to know how to find a foreign bride, comment or contact me or read articles on my site and follow me on YouTube.

Get a Wife or Husband

How to stay positive when single

That’s the hardest thing of all,never to become cynical, never to lose faith, never to become indifferent.

– Sergei Lukyanenko, Сумеречный Дозор

When a bee is removed from the colony it can not survive. Similarly when humans do not have a critical level of social and physical interaction, life does not go as well. So the question is, how do you stay positive when you are single?

Lewis Thomas in his book Lives of a Cell – Notes from a Biology Watcher notes this phenomenon in all life forms, even cells. There is an interdependence that reaches beyond the functional. You do not have to be life of the party but you need some interaction to keep you normal. It could even be online interaction.

In some species, the members are so tied to each other and interdependent as to seem the loosely conjoined cells of a tissue.  In other species, less compulsively social, the members make their homes together, pool resources, travel in packs or schools, and share the food, but any single one can survive solitary, detached from the rest.

– Lewis Thomas

We are not bees but the metaphor is clear. There is a component to our life that is not strictly functional and one dimensional, even if we can survive as a solitary detached organism. Man is a social animal. To stay positive be aware of the people you are interacting with. This painful admission is from someone who is an introvert.

When I lived aboard I was lucky to meet people I connected with, and I did not mind spending time with. Often you meet people that are nice, but to spend time with them is a different idea. However, I went through long periods of aloneness. I was thinking, ‘what am I doing here’.  This makes no sense.

Talk it out or else you will obsess about all things great and small.

So what is the answer to negative people and social interaction? It depends on the who you are interacting with. Some people, even me, are complainers, but I am not on the darkside. However, some people just have the aura of malintent around them. It depends on their core nature, are they good or bad.  Good people with depression and negativity do not affect me. Bad people with a false smile do.

If you attach to cynical or negative people, you will absorb their energy.  In contreast, if you attach to positive people you will like two companion plants in a garden, symbiotically help each other, just by being you. Two plants next to each other have benefits a mono-crop does not. Mono crop farmers end up with diseased plants and they have to apply chemicals to compensate. And so it is with humans.

Fake happy is so exhausting

When I say positive and happy, I do not mean fake happy like you might see on Youtubers who are flexing. I mean trying to generally, be upbeat  in my approach to life.  Even if  a small percentage of time I feel better than neutral bouency or a smile, at least I have a good heart.

You want to develop your own internal dialogues and filters for the positive and try not to be influenced by negative energies. This is a form of behavioral therapy in a sense.

The habit of positive thinking plus airing our your fears with a friend

Therefore, how to stay positive when you are single has more to do with the non-relationship, relationships than the having a mate right now. You might spend 1 minute a month with that person, but that person is there for you.  It has more to do with the energy of the relationship and cultivating normal positive filters in your brain.

With this person you can be honest and air out your fears and issues. This is normal. We all do this. I do this with my wife all the time and my wife with me. Once you let it air out, often you just feel better.

You also need to realize no matter how bad it seems, there is a solution to every problem. Sometimes you just have to wait until the answer reveals itself.

I do not believe in the no win scenario.

– Capitan James T. Kirk of the star ship Enterprise.


It does not mean read every self help book out there or get hooked on the dopamine rush of the online marketers flexing and presenting a false sense of happiness. It means cultivating an attitude  like a garden, and remove the weeds. Your body, including your brain is an organism like every other life organism, it grows and progresses gradually. Just make sure what you are cultivating is not dark side energy.

People’s energy will attach to you. It does not matter if you believe it or not.

Dark side attachments from social interactions

Without getting metaphysical there is something to Karma and people’s energies. Do not let these attachments cling to you and start to feed on you. Ask God to free you, or whatever you do if you are a non-believer, burn incense or just be aware.

What about the physical body?

Easy solution. Get a therapeutic massages on a regular basis. I am not talking anything dirty here, but your body as a person needs contact. If you do not have the money join a yoga studio, it almost does the same. Therapeutic massages can be as good as physical relationships in terms of health of the body. Maybe an Epsom salt bath can help too. I usually get a card at a place like massage envy or a groupon special.  Walking in nature in the woods can help also. Ultimately I think the touching of the skin serves a purpose in itself to make you happy and normal.

Yoga in a class (not alone) stimulates the body like ‘relations’. It can help singles transmute energy.


What if the weight of life is heavy?

What if your life circumstances are getting you down with money and job in addition to being single with no one to communicate with. I could write more on this as I often stress about this myself. However, my only reply is this, without getting on my pulpit with a homily.

There’s the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

– Mary Poppins

Youtube as a solution for depression

A temporary fix you can help cultivate the garden of your brain, by watching  select Youtubers. This you can do in your cave. Find a few channels you like that do not overstimulate you. I have one classical or soothing music channel, some people like brainwave channels. I have one religious channel I follow, its pretty good. Brain Holdsworth for example is a calm rational and somewhat upbeat voice on the web. But that is me, and this will only appeal to a few of you. My point is find something similar that fits you. Some high quality content creator that is authentic and honest.

Online friends work in the modern world. That is what Skype is for.

What is the answer?

I know you want some definitive trick to be positive. But life is complex and multi-layered. My solutions and answer to the question, how to stay positive when single is nothing more than learning to cultivate a reasonable positive attitude. Do this by interacting with upbeat people and using some of that good energy to fuel your positive thinking.  Also reading positive books or listening to peaceful (not pump you up) things help.

  • Understand that no man is an island so it is a two fold process, you habits and your interactions.

How does that get me out of single to into a relationship?

If you can do the above, you will attract a better caliber of girl. Girls are by their nature, yin, dark, moody mysterious and are attracted. Contrary to mainstream belief, women are not necessarily attracted to the summum bonum of pop culture psychology: “self confidence”. Rather, women are attracted more to simply a sunny disposition and authenticity.

Therefore, without going through years of psychotherapy and dwelling your parents mistakes, trying to puff your chest out with self-confidence like a roaster, better is to  focus on the positive and be real coupled with a light and breezy attitude, until it becomes a mental habit. When you meet the girl of your dreams, and all the drama she will send you, you will be on better footing to keep your wits about you. That is it.


Get a Wife or Husband

If you want a wife – try harder

If you want to get married,  guys you have to chase girls. The purpose of this post is to motivate you to find a wife by not giving up. You can not get discouraged as your girl is out there I promise. The main thing is you have to chase her and be willing to give everything up to get her. Can you do that?

If you think you can Snapchat your way to a good wife or find your soulmate on Tinder, read this.

There is no way, technology overrides one million years of evolution.

If it was that easy I would never have met my wife.  Yes, some people meet that way but it is like 1 in 50 for a real quality girl.  If I tried mobile dating, I would have met someone, but not my humble, modest model like girl who became my wife.

  • Imagine that “the grid” no longer exists and you now have to find a mate, because women will not have “relations” with you until you are married. If you do this, you will see your real hormones kick into gear.
If you want a wife that looks like an Instagram model – you can, you simply can not be a wimp.

You want to meet the girl who could be an Instagram model, but does not want to be,  because she is not vain. Take my advice, chase a girl basically until you are somewhere between Romeo and in modern feminist speak a stalker. Do it in real life not in a virtual world.

  • If you are not meeting the girl of your dreams I will give you the same advice I give my students not doing well in my Economics class: ‘try harder’.

You have to step out of your comfort zones, be humiliated and made the fool. If you have not done that for love than you are an amateur.

What do girls want?

Newsflash, contrary to the media’s twisted image they try to paint or society’s feminist minority:

  • Hot girls and super models all want love to get married.
  • They want a lot of physical intimacy because it is in their nature.
  • They ultimately,  metaphorically or literally, want to be barefoot and pregnant stirring a pot of borscht.
  • Women are by design programmed to find a mate so they can have babies and take on the most important job in the world, being a mother and wife so the next generation of human DNA continues.
Secretly every woman’s face says catch me if you can. I want you to prove your worthiness by withstanding my craziness.

Women are the ones catching you.  So if you want  your princess to love and honor you all the days of your life,  you chase and catch her and drag her back kicking and screaming to your castle until she can do nothing else but make soup.  Then you will both be in lala land.

Why?  This is what women want,  despite her air of indifference,  disdain or nonsensical ideas she might espouse, it is all about catching you for love and being locked down in marriage Yes, that super hot chick, she wants you.

  • Their power is their coyness and look.
  • Your power is your persistence and not worrying about being made the fool.

Why settle? Get the love you desire

My goal here is not to give advice on how to find a date, anyone can do that, it is how to find the love of your life.

The proverb :

 The boy chases the girl until the girl catches the boy

is true today as it was in caveman times. However, you the man must have the motivation to catch her. You have to try.

You have to literally catch a bride

My wife’s advice to girls if they want to get married is “run”.  Run from the guy, and give him a little but of a hard time.  Now she did not consciously do this with me, but she did this. She broke up with me so many times and was rude, mean and hurtful without even thinking about it. You have to try harder.

It is only with persistence and determination, not looks for brains that you will get a girl.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Ecclesiastes 1:9

I was a Jason Bourne, International man of mystery traveling the world as an American guy. No one was going to lock me down. Until I met a girl that was uncatchable, my wife. Not only was she way out of my league in terms of looks, she was sweet humble and classy. I traveled the world, there is no way I was going to let her get away.

I thought it was simple, I would charm her. Wrong, every step of they way she was hot and cold. In her own words during the whole dating process:

I do not even know if I was that nice to you. – Kasia

  • It took about nine months before we even went on real heart-to-heart walk together. It was no coincidence it was after we met coincidently during Mass that day.
  • Today people remark we are the happiest couple we know.

This is not about playing games. “A man chases a girl until she catches him”. It is simply the female method of distancing guys is really a test.   A test to see if, they have the ability to stay with them during good times and bad. Paradoxically it also sends a signal to the guy that if you want me you better show me what you are made of. You have to put more effort forth.

Everyone wants to belong to a club that would not have them as a member. – Woody Allen

How to find a hot girl who is interested in you

Because here I am describing the marathon of dating, it does not mean you  can not find a girl who is easy to catch, that is,  just wants to date and get married. You might and she may be the perfect match for you.

However more often you have to chase them in a prolonged dramatic process . This was my personal experience.

Go for a humble girl rather than an egotistical girl

Hot girls get tons of suitors. So there is a lot of competition. Best is to find a girl who does not know she is hot. This is usually not in the USA as American culture is all about pumping people up with self esteem. Confidence is the new virtue of this time.  Let me give you a hint, it is not.  Humility and patience and compassion are virtues, self confidence is closely connected to ego.

  • Find a hot girl who runs away because she does not think she is worthy of you, not because she thinks she has all the options in the world.

Do not chase any girl

Chase ones that are worthy, someone what has a developed practice of virtue and purification. If could be manifest in terms of religion or reading the Bible, or some ritual and purification and self denial based on ideals.

Marrying a clever monkey vs marrying a girl not of this world

With humans there has to be some moral base, or left to our own devices the clever monkeys we are will get into trouble.  You do not want to marry a clever monkey. You want to marry someone who has the Holy Spirit (expresses in different ways and in different religions such as ruach hakodesh in Hebrew) as their compass. If you chase a girl who is not filled with the spirit of God, you will end up in divorce court latter.

What if she calls you a stalker

Are you a stalker? If no than do not worry about it, women love to use these terms.  My friend was seven years dating a girl and they broke up, he sent flowers and she called him a stalker.

This is girl speak to intimidate and get attention. It gives them something to talk about loudly with their girlfriends at work, making them feel there is a paparazzi atmosphere around them.

In contrast real stalkers are something totally different, they can not differentiate reality from some twisted idea they have in their head, but these are exceptions. More often, the word is employed when  girls try to distant guys if they feel they are not worthy.

  • So if you are called a stalker and you are not really a stalker, take it as a badge of courage.

Women are trapped in a castle

Their subconscious will throw everything in their arsenal to keep the prince away.  They will humiliate you and metaphorically dump boiling oil down the walls as you scale try to breach the walls of their defense.

Is she a princess or a someone who will cause you pain?

You know there will be a battle so why waste your precious  God given resource of  time on women that are base, swear, smoke, drink have tattoos, care about money or if you ultimately and the only real important idea is:

Do they have the love of God in their heart?

It is a simple question.

Are you worthy?

Why are you worthy?  Money has nothing to do with it. Women that care about money are reptilian base polluting their cognitive thinking.

You are worthy if you have a pure heart. If you have courage to give up your life, your job your everything for the pearl of great price.  This is what I think.

If you work her around your schedule, you are not chasing her.  If you put your job and house before your girl, you will marry someone but not the woman of your dreams.

You have to chase and try to catch her.  It can not be a halfway battle. If you stroll half-hearted into battle with a woman you will be defeated.  Battles are one by the heart and desire to win, not by the number of troops in the field. You have to fight for her to win her.

But be cool about it

If you really are committed to win, do not charge up the center of an open battle field like Pickett’s charge or into a trap like Custer’s last stand. Be cool about it.  Dress super sharp and get in top shape. Play a little hard to get.  Put it out there that you are a one of a kind good catch because of your moral fiber. Be romantic and read her poems, or learn her language if she is from a foreign country. Smile and charm her and be the person that one million years of evolution has made you, that is charming enough and smart enough to outfox her and woo her heart.

She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is a woman, therefore to be won. – William Shakespeare

In the end, there is no try either you do it and lose and fall on your face or you win the girl of your dreams. But if you do not chase her and fight the good fight, you will not get a wife you always dreamed of.

Get a Wife or Husband

Cell phone or book – Check your girl’s bed

If you want to know what your girl is thinking inside,  check out what is on her nightstand or bed.  This will tell a lot of what is going on in her inner realm because what you are thinking before you go to bed feeds your subconscious.

Many guys write me and ask me if their potential bride is a scammer.  Or how you know if a girl is good or just saying she is good. Here is my advice:

  • Try to get into her bedroom.

I know, what you thinking, but I mean in an innocent way. You could ask her for a tour of her apartment or to see photos of her room. If you are on a wecam or snapchat or Skype you can get a good picture of what her nightstand looks like. What is on her nightstand will tell you a lot about a girl’s inner world.

You marry a girl’s inner world.

You want girls like these, whose beauty is only exceeded by their virtue. There are just as many hot girls who follow a good path as hot girls that will turn you life upside down. There is no correlation. So why do you not make a good choice a date a good one?


  • If a girl has no books by her bedside, ask yourself why?

Books are key indicators of intellectual and spiritual development. Sure literacy rates around the world are sky high, but there is a big difference between knowing how to read and reading.

In contrast this girl is totally wired and distracted. She is self-absorbed in her coffee, cell phone and computer on her bed. No deep thinking there, just a life of consumption. There is nothing attractive here.

Reading develops cognitive skills like mental diligence. Reading requires work and and patience, in contrast to the five word snap chat messages. If someone is not reading books, I mean real books not magazines and the web, I have a problem with that.

It shows they lack the intellectual curiosity to explore life at a deeper level. It shows they might not have the metal diligence to complete tasks that require thought and work. This potentially equates to being a less than optimal mother for your children.

My wife has read to my daughter every night as she falls asleep since she was a child. My daughter’s readings skills are better than mine.

Does this apply to men as well?

It is more important that a girl reads than a guy, because women are the carriers of culture and will be raising your children. You have to understand the importance of females being the guardians of culture and ethics and how they are responsible to transmit this to the next generation.

Do you not want a moral person to marry? Honestly, you guys tell me. I married a church goer and I am happy. My friend married a post modern female and he is unhappy. Please listen to wisdom.

If a woman has a mess in her inner world and attaches to ideas and energies that are less than idealistic and eternal, than she she will bring that chaos into your life eventually.

More about books as indicators

Reading, and I mean books, is so important to life and the internal thought processes. Why? It takes seconds to write  a chat message. It takes years to write a book and often months to read it. So much pain and wisdom goes into a book, so much life experience. Text messages are nothing but surface. Where does your girl live in her heart and mind?

Will she delete you?

  • Will your girl delete you like a text message during a mood swing? Or does she have the stamina to finish a novel like Persuasion by Jane Austen?

To date a girl who is not using her brain, and we all have, is so unhigh. You can take the most beautiful girl in the world but if she has nothing to talk about and discuss, the relationship will be superficial and boring.

Therefore, ask yourself what is your girl reading.  You had better discuss it with her.

My experiences as a college professor

When I teach, my class is based on discussion of the reading for the week. What I observe is there are people who read and discuss (or at least actively listening) and those who are bored. People who are bored are boring. To spend a lifetime with such a person is a hard life. They sit chaotically in their chairs and can not focus on simple ideas. In contrast there are students who really try in life.

Quick test for your girl

As a quick test of cultural depth and awareness is you could almost ask a girl if she has ever read The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky or least knows this book.  It is about free will and God and ethics and personal morality versus morality of your society.  If she has never even heard of this book,  wow.  If she is from a Non-European or American culture, choose an equivalent author from her culture and discuss.

Again this is not to sound elitist but what is your girl thinking about in her head? Do you want to spend your life with someone who has not thought to deep about life? Who is not aware of the complex moral issues and hopefully answered them with a morality that includes love and commitment. If she is not examining ideas and morality it will be a hard life for you.

You can not tell on face value if this girl is good or bad. You need to see what resides behind that pretty little face of hers. I recommend check her bedroom.

Religious icons or prayer beads

Many of my friends that are female have crosses of their beds, or images of religious figures from the Bible or other sacred text. I know this sounds like a fanatic rant, but it is not, here me out. These women do not desire money and power and do not fall pray to the temptations of the is world. Rather than live humble lives centered on their family. Is this not what you want? I live this way and we are happy. You want to be and marry someone what is immersed in the ideas of self improvement. Not the self improvement of pop psychology and self confidence but the self improvement that came thousands of years before this post modern culture. That is virtue.

If this sounds chauvinistic it is not. I do the same.  I focus my life on humility and virtue.  For example, I have always put my family before my career or anything else.

The reward is an amazing family life and happiness.

  • Therefore,  if a girl has the Bible by her bedside or a Holy book, and she reads it, this is a good indicator she would be a pleasant person to be around, rather than some crazy, self-rigorous, conniving, post modern feminist career woman.

What about other indicators like her browsing history?

People surf all kind of junk as a form of decompressing from the day. Therefore, this is not a good indicator. Better than her browser history is what she reads at night. We are not looking for saints necessarily.

Indicators that a woman is trouble

Special box – If she has a little box for of ‘protection’ or anything like that in her bedside draw.

Plugged in – She has electronic devices at her bedside, cell phones etc. Electronics in the bedroom mean less room for other activities latter. Do you want to commit to a life of companionship? I am have never been looking for companionship. I want passion.

Random books – Books are fine but a lot of nonsense is written these days. If she has eclectic post modern liberal literature, this is no good. It just means she has the power of intellect but not wisdom.

Books connected to work – Career women equate to women readying her life for making money rather than spending their time with the family.

New age –  Similarly good but if she has  new age type things or feminist literature, were a woman finds her freedom after a train wreck of relationships for example, this is an indicator that she could have subjective values based on cultural norms rather than full commitment.

Every ‘spiritual’ girl I know would have no problem leaving a guy in marriage if she was not happy in that moment.

Untidiness – If she can not clean for herself, who will she take care of a child and you?

Pets – Many girls sleep with their pets, it would be a lifetime of competition in the bedroom, why do you need that. Let some other fool go for that.

What my wife has by her bedside now

  • Bible in the Polish language.
  • The Confessions of Saint Augustine in the English language.
  • A book about a Polish explorer who lived in the Amazon with the indigenous people in the Polish language.

You basically want to find a runway model who reads the Bible at night or sacred text from your belief system.  Is that too much to ask for?

What  to look for in a girl to marry?

I mean come on, is a girl who reads the Bible or Sacred books before sleep going to wreck your life or give you happiness?  Your mission is to find a super hot chick who has a bedside nightstand with books that feed her intellectual and moral life.

Get a Wife or Husband

What is it like being married? from a married man

I believe that all happiness and unhappiness comes from the relationships.  Go back over your life. Think about your greatest sorrows and greatest joys. Are they not connected to people?  Money is like water it comes and goes. Health is something that is up and down until the end. However, relationships are what make the world go around.

For example, I am a professor and write about economics and when I do I get a few hundred views if I write something good. However, if I write about love on this website, I have thousands of views from men and women for one article.

What marriage is really like

Therefore, I wanted to tell you what marriage is really like from a married man’s perspective.

The Internet will tell you some cautionary tale or pros and cons of marriage. I am here to tell you there are no pros and cons, only pros. I mean that with all my heart as God is my witness.

I have never regretted for one day I have been with my wife. I have never wanted anything other than to be with my wife.  All the days when I was single does not equate to one day with my family.

Why I know something about a good marriage

I walk the walk. I quit my corporate job to spend more time with my family. I now teach economics, write programs at home and homestead.

With marriage there is no nagging in my house. With marriage there is no compromising and long conversations about how we can communicate better. We just live our fairy-tale.

To live a fairy-tale you need a wife who transcends.

It is all the adolescent fantasies come true and the incarnation of what others want from love and search for.  Remember your fantasies? Marriage is even better.

What is the secrete to marriage?  My parents have been married over 65 years and they would say it is God as the center. I have been married 10 and  I would say God is the center.

If you see the world the same way, that is as a practice of spiritual purification and repentance, then what is the problem? No humanistic commonality or psychological spin on marriage comes close.

  • I was not born yesterday.  I have seen the world. I know when girls strive for humility and when girls strive for worldly desires.

Is marriage a partnership?

Not really, it is more like laying your life down for another person so you might have a greater life. However, this is an unconscious process. You do not feel it because you are so high on love. Love gives you so much juice that you are not thinking in terms of partnership and negotiation, but hero and princess.


Love makes all burdens light  (its true you know)

Is marriage work? Is it sacrifice?

No. For me, I have had a lot of challenges in my life, but marriage is easy and makes all challenges when you are married feel easy.  I do not feel like I am giving anything up or making sacrifices. Why?

I am living like I always have, a positive, prayerful life.

With all the nonsense and plurality of messages society gives you, why not keep it simple. Why not find someone whose life is a practice in humility and who is so super hot?

Finding a super hot chick who is humble is not only possible, it is probable. I think the ancient Greeks to some extent were correct that beauty and virtue are synonymous. If you have questions about this write me or comment.

What human experience about

Once you open your eyes to what this world is about, a purgatory or a school which includes commitment until graduation (the great beyond),  than it becomes easier to you meet other worldly women who were once only a dream.

  • Last I checked the hottest girls are in school.

Women who are not in school, are in a word ‘trashy’.  They live their life based on self interest and like a succubus or sirens (Ulysses) will drive your life into peril.

We have all been there

  1. If you have tried to date women who are arrogant, selfish, lack humility,  want money, and play their options, and you are just one of their options, I know how you feel.
  2. If you feel it will not get any better because you are painfully lonely, I know how you feel.
  3. If this cycle of rejection, loneliness and despair has lasted years, so you feel there is something wrong with you,  join the club.

You do not have bragging rights for loneliness and despair until it has been at least five years of this cycle of pain and desperation.

I know people in the 30s who have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I know people who have been left after relationships over five years. I know people whose partners steal money and their heart.

If you are depressed and lonely and at your end, welcome the real world. The good news is there is a solution.  What is it? Marriage.

Marriage will make you normal and happy if you find your partner who is your other half. It is that simple.

My recommendation for a partner

  1. Super hot – someone that is a model like and out of your league. The good news is, I have never met a girl who does not have potential to be super hot. It is all about style and fitness.  One million years of evolution has taken care of the rest, as nature has honed people to be more than anything else, attractive or the genes would not continue.
  2. Striving for humility – good signs are self abasement, asking for forgiveness, a Bible or holy scripture by her bedside she reads nightly before her closing prayers. This is in start contrast to someone who proclaims themselves ‘spiritual’ which means nothing and is an empty self-proclamation to relive themselves of the responsibility of bad choice. You want the humble one who is trying to purify her soul not the the spiritual one putting her self out there as ‘enlightened’.
  3. Morally better than you – The person you bond with for life should be a person who is not necessarily nice. Nice is not the same as good. Good implies a deep level of selflessness and a striving.  You want good because who you mate with will influence your moral ideas. If you have a partner who is lukewarm about ideals you will be also.  You do not want to be trying to teach them. You want someone who as a daily prayer life and who would pray with you and encourage you to pray more.

What is marriage like?

I get up in the morning and there is this model like chick walking around my bedroom who actually loves me.  We go on road trips like we were single, weekends we go to the beach, natural spring, we have a lot of fun cooking, working in the garden and most of all spend time with our daughter. On weekends we go to church. Sunday we keep as a day of rest and try not to shop or work and just relax. We exchange ideas about life, science, the universe or philosophy.  I use Linux my wife uses a Mac and we are always helping the other with work and tech stuff.  There is a lot more. What would we argue about?  We both know why we are here, to glorify God.

We are gifts to each other for all the suffering we have gone through in our lives. Now is the time for you to find your gift.

Do you think rules and dating advice have anything to do with this place? Do you think that is air you are breathing? Awareness is almost synonymous with free will. When you are aware of the complex stratification of reality your life choices become clearer. The rules of dating and everything you have ever learned or heard about dating and marriage does not apply.

Where to meet someone

Where can you meet people like this to have this perfect harmony?  Why not Church?   I have known several people who met this way and they are happy.




Get a Wife or Husband

The one – a simple test to determine if you met your soulmate

Simple test to determine who is your soulmate

Everyone wants to know if the person they are dating is their soulmate. Is this person the one? Online dating companies have detailed psychological and even genetic screens for matchmaking and compatibility. However, this does not definitively tell you, if this person is truly the right one.

Every user of, POF or Tinder knows how to craft a profile and filter selection criteria based on interests and compatibility. Yet, it often does not work. What is going on here?

The purpose of this post if to tell you a simple test of when you have met the right person you will spend the rest of your life with.

I believe in fairy-tales, not just finding a good partner and calling her the one. I believe in the only and only, but to get there you have to jettison the notion.

The test is this:

Hold up your hand and have the girl who you are dating hold up her hand. If she has a wedding ring on and so do you, that person is the one. If there is no ring on your fingers, you are just dating.

The key idea here is I want you to get the notion of “the one” out of your head and start living your life like there is no tomorrow.  I 100% believe in “the one and only”.  However, on the quest people get stuck thinking too rationally about it, and it slows them down.

You have to get the mess out of your head.   I am a romantic and believe in fairy-tales, but do not want this idealistic quest for “the one” from stopping you from finding the one and only true girl of your dreams.

You will have confirmed you are with “the one” when you are married. That is it. Until that time all bets are off.

When have you found your twin soul? When you can not can not help but asking some lucky girl, for her hand in marriage and you actually go through with it. Before that time, live your life and go do crazy things irrespective on your career and life plan until you get to that point. Take chances and be like Prince Harry in Shakespeare’s Henry the IV part 2. He was reckless in his living, until it was his time for responsibility.

The questions and answers around the one comes down to two ideas:

  1. cravings of your genes
  2. destiny/ the meaning of life

Lets look at both these ideas.

Too many choices leads to stress and the unconfirmed premise there is not one person

Conventional dating advice for finding “the one” is bunk – Look at her tight jeans to understand your genes

I believe in human evolution so strongly and the ability at a subconscious, sub atomic level, for your genes to choose a mate in ways human conciseness will never be able to analysis and steer. Scientific or sociological tests are monuments to man’s stupidity when it comes to the world of mate selection. We can not even predict the weather three days in advance, how can science predict who should be your mate. We can not do it because there are too many endogenous and exogenous variables.

Finding your lifetime optimal mate is somewhat in your genes and somewhat how she looks in jeans and do you have the stones to play to win.

Go for someone who you can not resist physically, this is what your genes are telling you to go for.

But it is not just about looks.  Life is more complex and even a genetic model of dating encompasses this. If you know natural selection often genetic drift comes into play. For example, when the availability of male or female DNA is not optimal in your immediate environment you might choose someone who is not your understanding of the Alpha. Since no human I have ever met has an optimal life circumstance, I think the idea of genetic drift is almost synonymous with the idea of destiny. This random element of life cancels a lot of the science of dating.

For example, ignore what you know about the Alpha mate selection. Alpha dating is ridiculous. If girls are looking for an traditional Alpha, that is money, muscles and aggression, then I would say those girls are Deltas and do not deserve you. What was relevant in the past is not true today. Put a gorilla in a cage with a man and who would win a fight, but, who would a girl want to spend time with. Intellect and most of all sensitivity is the Alpha traits for a human.

Traits like sensitivity and compassion are highly sought after, rather than money and power. Do you personally want to date a tiger or brute or a career person?

Further, because everyone is chasing their careers, genetic drift, rather than alpha dating is fully in play. This is  because of the restrictions of our careerist gilded cage world we live in. Both genders are back to simply trying to find a compassionate beautiful person that is right for them, within a geographically desirable and career area.

Which girl would you rather be with?  Just a friendly reminder do not go for beautiful, rather, go for hot. This is what your genes want, and what will make you happy in marriage. Beauty is boring (the girl on the left). Hot (the girl on the right) gets your juices flowing.

What is my point? My point is do not get too hung up on all the nonsense written about dating on the web or in books.  Know that your genes are searching for, an attractive person (and everyone can be attractive physically) that they can cooperate with, trust this. However, the next step is to find  someone that is real, that is transcendent, that is humble.  Dating advice falls short because they stress psychology and compatibility over genes and meaning of life. Interests and compatibility which is the center of this modern analysis for finding a match is non-sense. Genes and meaning is where it is at.

I am was never looking for companionship, that is for really old people with low hormone levels.

Have the Stones to take chances

Therefore, prove to yourself you do not have low hormones, will betray your birthright to find a wife and have family by taking radical chances for your genes sake. If our world is dominated by chicks that live in a careerist gilded cage, than my advice is why not pull out all stops and go international to find your true happiness.  Have the T levels to break the rules and look outside your box will increase the odds. The women I know in careers usually have weight issues and have learned to prioritize their life rather than live it.  I do not want to one of many priorities. I would not personally want to date that girl.

Now the Destiny/Meaning of life part of find your bride – Do this exercise:

Turn off all your electronic devices. Go to a room and close the door. Turn off all lights and and open the blinds and curtains so the room has natural light. You know so you can see the dust float buy type light. Something out of a Rembrandt painting. If you do not know Rembrandt look up his paintings online.

See life as it is by simply looking around you, not in a ritualistic or self help way, simply look.

Now do not mediate or do anything, just try to look and really see the things around you. Try to see the surreal nature of the world we live in. Just look around the room and look at things. See reality as it is. See that life is complex has multiple layers. It is not simply about swiping a dating app and you will find a partner. Life has a flow of its own.  If dating apps were so effective, in themselves, why are there so many people unhappy about their dating life?

If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.  William Blake

See the canvas around you.

Life is not a Prophylaxis excises that can be solved with a system or approach. You just have to have a little trust that something else is at play here.

What does this excise have to do with finding a hot chick? Everything. You need to see and believe that there is a complex stratification of reality and that destiny and the way of life is often not as it appears on the surface.

Marry a bride that understands what it means to transcend to climb above cell phones and snap chat.

If you do not have crazy drama in dating you are not trying

It is about finding your destiny not about filtering criteria and thinking too hard about all this.

You have to let the dating process play out. You have to accept the drama in dating and know the whole point in dating is to get to the alter and have offspring. No one will be able to tell you at a conscious level how to do this, you just have to accept the fact it will be a challenge.

How about all the guys and girls that ‘think’ this person is the one

The key idea here is you think it, it makes sense to you at the time, but it is not real. Love is about living it with all the chaos and uncertainly that is coupled with dating. Nothing about love makes sense. It just has to happen. You have to have the drama, the arguing the hot and cold cycles, the pendulum that swings between pain and ecstasy. No one I personally know, rationally came to the conclusion that this is the person they should marry.

You need to find a smoking hot girl who is on a path of humbling herself or she will eventually annoy you with her ego.

OK so how do you hone in on “the One”?

The longest distance on earth is between the head and the heart

You can not figure out who is the one, by critical thinking and analysis. You just have to feel it.

Being the one is just like being in love. No one can tell you your in love, you just know it. Through and through. Stones to bones. – Oracle The Matrix

Before I get into the specifics lets talk about the past. It seems so many people are hung up on the past.

If you want to dwell on the past read a history book, not your personal past.

What if you have been dating for five or more years?

Is this not the one? These years and intense feelings do they not count? My question is why have you not take action?Perhaps you have low hormones or something, or better explanation is the girl has not inspired you.

Something is holding you back. Mating by nature is reckless and impulsive. If you have been dating for five years plus where is the romance there?

People in your past?

They were stepping stones. They are not the one. If they were, you would have  put a ring on their figure.

Every person you went on a date with before you were married, does not count. When you are married, you will not go back in your mind and reminiscence or wonder if you should have married that person because you let them go. It is almost a criteria or test, that is if you can let people go then you can get married.

What if you were married in the past?

It takes two to make a commitment. If you were married and had no and I mean zero kids, it might not count depending on the circumstances. For example, even in the eyes of the Roman Catholic Church you both people would have to be open to the possibles of children, if not it is a fake, not real, just a date you brought to a wedding rather than you getting married.

Erase that relationship out of your brain like all your past relationships. It is so lame when a guy or girl thinks about their relationship that did not work out. Maybe they are lonely or trying to figure it out. But there is nothing to figure out, it was the incorrect answer for your genes and her genes to pair off.

Can you go back to an old relationship? I would not recommend it because it ended for a reason. If you go back in your mind to an old relationship it is your ego trying to figure out why you were rejected or why you did something wrong. Which is normal, but better is to say simply it was not meant to be and understand the universe has your real path ahead.

If you get fixated on a past relationship that did not work it will not help you move forward to your real one and only.

Ask God to help release you from the chains of your past.

Who is the one? The one is the person who you marry and have a family with.

How do you know? How do you choose?

I believe:

Birds of a feather flock together

You want your worldview Doppelgänger. Someone who is just like you from the opposite gender from a moral point of view.

From a looks standpoint they just have to be super hot. Common interests are not a big factor – if you find someone who see the world from the same way, then interests will develop.

For me ethics is connected to religion, Plato, Meaning of life, idealism and Romanticism. You might forge your own ethic, but the person you mate with you need to have this commonality of ethics.

If interests are the same and all the check boxes are there, but ethical ideas are off you will find yourself in a Nash prisoner’s dilemma scenario eventually and the outcome will be tragic.

So how do you find your soul mate?

Pray, meditate and put yourself out there. Do dating apps or travel the world (recommended) but put yourself in the game. Let nature play out. Get rejected and your heart broken and have a lot of drama. But if you do that, combine the transcendence with action, you will find your mate. Doing only dating apps or travel and not the transcendent aspects is the sound one one hand clapping. Also just visualizing and not circulating yourself is the sound of one hand clapping. You have to do both, the whole thing, pray and action. You have to accumulate some battle scars of life in the dating world.

How much should I risk in finding love?

I’ve seen an Agent punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be. – The Matrix – Morpheus conversation to Neo.

Dating sites and psychology and advice from friends or from the web are all based on limited ideas, lists, quizzes and rules. When it comes to finding the one, you have to pull out all stops, and not break the rules, but ignore them and live like there are no rules.

I have always felt the rules do not apply to me – Mark Biernat

If the girl you are suppose to be with blows you off, show up at her window at 2 am in the morning with a guitar playing it in the rain.  If she calls you a stalker, thank her for the complement, because that is her really saying ‘wow no guy ever did this and my limited brain and universe can not processes his greatness’. At least you play to win, you are a man.

Travel the world do what you have to. If you are swiping too many dating apps, throw your phone into the crusher. The crusher is a good play for many electronic devices if inordinate time using them is dissipating your zest for the real world.

If you want the moon and the stars you have to live like there is no tomorrow

 Life is too short to spend online

Live your life.

All these wounds will heal instantly once you find the one

So again you want a conclusion, a simple formula. I have given you one. Pray, meditate or visualize and have the stones to travel and search and be prepared to have drama and get burned many times.  If women are not milking you for cash, cheating on your and calling you a stalker you have never really dated. However, somehow, somewhere when you least expect it you will be standing at the alter. All is drama will dissipate  in your memory and you will simply wondering how did I marry such a hot chick.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke