Comments on: Pakistani brides

By: admin

admin — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:46:11 +0000

I understand what you are saying and I do not disagree with arranged marriage in that content is all are willing and it is free will. However, think of Romeo and Juliet. Your parents and families are often the last people who should have a say in your love life.

Romeo and Juliet were destroyed by families getting involved. The greatest way you can honor your mother and father is live your own life. Little birds are kicked out of the nest to learn to fly. Parents need to let their children make their own mistakes in life.

So if the culture in Pakistan is based on arrange marriage I respect that and I even admire it as there are few divorces and brides are loyal and following God’s law. However, this always has to be based on free will or the marriage is not authentic. So arrange marriages are fine as long as free will, which I believe is given by God is intact.

Arranged marriages are good in that they promote stability as a whole in a culture but they are bad in that young people often are chosing life partners based on other people’s influence. I do not want to be influenced by others. I want to make sure that the mistakes I make are my mistakes. I want my wife and bride to feel the same. That is she will love be with free will. I know arranged marriages are free will but for me they are culturally not what I grew up with. So nothing against them just does not feel right with me.

When I was young I use to fantasies about having an arranged marriage as it makes life easier. You have one partner who is chosen for you and you can focus on other aspects of your life. It puts all the nonsense of dating behind you. Adolescence is a painful process. However, in retrospect all the nonsense of dating, and it is nonsense until you meet your one and only true love of your life was a learning experience. That is now in my mind I have no question I want to be with my wife and no one else ever. I love her freely and with all my heart.

I think my parents would have loved me to marry some rich girl from my own culture, but I married some girls from another culture from across the globe who was not rich at all. However, I believe if you seek love first everything else will be granted to you by God in terms of wisdom. And wisdom is the real riches of the Universe.

Although I am religious and believe in God and I believe the way you honor and respect your parents is not follow tradition nor your family’s will, but follow what God speaks to you in your heart, your calling in life. Some might have a more traditional way and others a more mystical or independent way but we are all children of God and our great and powerful father in heaven will love us either way we choose. And so it is with love. Some choose the traditional way with arranged marriages, but I prefer to choose not listen to my parents or family or friends and choose who I love in my heart. This is just me.

By: sara 4rm england

sara 4rm england — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 16:27:47 +0000

Now after reading all of these articles I can clearly say a few of you don’t seem to understand the whole concept of arranged or love marriage. Yes a lot of parents don’t feel that there is a need to ask their children as to who they would prefer to marry. I have seen this happen to a lot of people. as someone has written times have changed those uncles and aunts who once upon a time had sworn that love marriages were a sin, a person would be terrified to actually mention this topic,have now agreed for their own kids to have which is really unfair. All I can say is strict arranged marriages are still taking place, but alot of parents want to see their chilren happy plus have agreed to love marriages. Look around you; love marriages have proven to be most popular and that’s a fact, arranged is also still and will remain popular especially in Pakistan. Receiving your parents blessings is the key to happiness. Thanks by way,salaams

By: Alfitar

Alfitar — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 03:55:25 +0000

It’s very common. Do not trust someone from Pakistan as a marriage partner if you are a US citizen. Ask yourself this question: why would they marry someone from a completely different country and culture? and then ask her/him this question: Will you apply for citizenship first and than marry me after you’re approved.

If either of those answers are, maybe, I’m not sure, Beware. You are getting yourself into deep trouble.

People there are desperate, forget that your American idealism applies there.

By: Junaid

Junaid — Mon, 23 May 2011 01:41:51 +0000

i as a British born Pakistani agree with admin. Pakistani marriage culture is more based on hindu ritual e.g mehndi, dancing, music/ songs(sangeet), drums (dholki)etc. 75% of the rituals are from Hindu culture. probably that cause our ancesters were hindu before converting to Islam 500 yrs ago, well thats another topic. the only thing different is the 7 rounds in hindu culture and the nikah in Muslim.
the admins question should of been more like why don’t the pakistani do their marriages more of the Islamic way according to the hadith and Quran or how come all different muslim countries differ from each others marriage ritual (except for the nikah part).
we Muslims need to understand our own religious way of marriage then pointing at the admin or our hindu friends.

By: Anjali

Anjali — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 21:12:11 +0000

@varun

There is lot of wrong information you have got sir. you cannot stereotype a nation because of your one off casual encounter.
In Pakistan, people do not force their women to cover their face or things like that, its a personal choice of a lady that she makes.
Some women prefer it and some do not so you cannot say that women who cover themselves are not happy.

At least people in Pakistan do not kill their daughter before their birth. You can check the recent Indian census where there are only 897 women for 1000 Indian men. Because in India, women are thought of as bad luck. They are given low priority in social setup in India.
Every year millions of female fetuses are disposed/aborted when the Indian parents find that the upcoming child is female.
Another bad cultural stigma that Indian society has is the dowry, thousands of Indian brides are killed by their in-laws because they were not able to bring dowry with them. Readers can google ‘Indian dowry cases’ and ‘Indian female fetus loss’ for more info.
Peace to all.

By: Ling Ling

Ling Ling — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 18:06:32 +0000

salaam/namaste,

I agree completely with ‘Mehrooz’ on the whole thing and also it’s not admin’s fault at all!
Message for ‘FYI’: To be honest we were all one country before and just up until the partition, people were no longer calling themselves just indian, but pakistani and hindu.
Personally I don’t see the difference, we are all people at the end of the day and we are all Indians. Even though the two religions are different, the traditions and cultural values are almost the same, that goes with marriage too.

Arranged marriages are more of a traditional approach. Every woman still has a choice whether they are to pursue or not, regardless of whether their parents pressure them to get married.
As previously mentioned, within indian culture marriage is a sacred act of love between the man and woman. With arranged marriages, they tend to have a higher success rate and divorces a lower one. Within the culture, divorces are mostly frowned upon.
It really depends on your parents and family, and what their values are.

I would personally, like a love marriage and I have spoken about it with my family and made them see my point of view.
I currently have an islamic boyfriend and I am a hindu girl.
As traditional concepts of marriage are arranged and usually from the same religion,the concept is normally for your parents happiness.

I have shown my family that it is important to see the son/daughter’s happiness too.
But that’s another issue for another time.

I hope this clarifies things admin.
If you have any other questions, do ask.

Shukriyan

By: Mehrooz

Mehrooz — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 05:31:06 +0000

Its not admins’ fault if he is talking in such a way. Its just that people don’t know the culture of Pakistan and india. But one thing that stands out the most is the divorced rate which is extremly low in both the countries. This should be the ground for any infernce of being able to find a good compelling partner in these countries rather than the arranged marriage thing. The reason for that is we all consider Marriages as a sacred act & as our parents have spent time and gain valuable experience; therfore it makees them a suitable candidate for selecting our partners but the point you miss is after a thorugh discussion with us their children, the ultimate decison is put in our hands. If we accept it; then it translates into a arranged marriage concept automatically.
Jazakallah
TC

By: gul bano

gul bano — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 14:38:43 +0000

First, its nice to see a Western taking interest in anything related to Pakistan when the image of our country is shattered beyond repair.
before criticizing the writer of this blog, people should understand that he’s seven seas away, probably never been to Pakistan. whatever information he can have about our country is the traditional talk set for ages. It is right that times are changing and Pakistan is growing to be more and more modern in terms of marriages but the conservative families are still there.
and trust me, you will never find a nice Pakistani girl on these any of the relationship websites.
and for Hindus, they should butt out of this blog its totally not relevant to them!
i have more to say on the subject of this blog!

By: Shazia

Shazia — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 10:02:07 +0000

I’m think most of the people that have commented on this article are male.
I am a muslim Pakistani female.
It is true that men have much more choice and go to people’s homes for dinner with their parents in order to view potential brides.
However, the girls have very little choice; they cannot go to people’s homes specifically for this purpose and are not supposed to be the ‘viewing’ party. It is frowned upon.
They are the ‘viewed’ party. In addition, once someone asks their hand, the parents put a lot of pressure on the girls to accept the offer, regardless of whether or not the girl is happy.
This is because the parents are afraid that there may not be more offers and that the girl could become a burden if left with them etc.
When I was 19, I was shipped off to Pakistan and forced to marry a poor cousin whom I had nothing in common with.
My cousin is a beautiful and educated banker and at the the age of 30, she was forced to marry an illegal Pakistani relative (who was not great looking at all). She was not allowed to ask for his photo beforehand (in case she looked desperate) and did not see his face until all the preparations had been made and his mother had come over to stay.
The ‘groom’ on the other hand, a chicken shop worker, insisted a on picture of the bride before the marraige. All this when he was getting the much better deal in every way!
So, yes, arranged marraiges do happen and it is mostly the females that bear the brunt.
Only a very few women are happy with arranged marraiges and most of these have been where they have secretly met and chosen the guy beforehand.
I completely agree with the author of this article and yes, the forced narraiges are still happening to this generation! It will take atleast another 2 generations to be rid of this ‘forced’ culture.
Thanks for reading,
Shazia, London, UK.

By: admin

admin — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 12:44:58 +0000

Yonatan, thanks as always for the update on this, I am a little surprised, but on the other hand I am not as Pakistan is a poor country. I would have hope the morals would have been stronger than less noble motives.